My mum is ‘inviting’ herself on my family holiday and taking over my life AIBU?

[Whatthefuckwasthat]

I am sorry if this post seems rambled, I’m currently spiralling.
There’s a huge backstory to this which is why it may not make complete sense.

Growing up my mum was an alcoholic. She had long periods is sobriety and always tried to fight it but would always relapse and go on a bender for several days until she reached rock bottom and the cycle would continue.

When sober she is very loving, kind and thoughtful. She is intelligent, personable and goes out of her way to help people. When drunk is a very different person and has done and said some extreme awful/hurtful things. I have siblings but we are not close.

After university I moved to the other side of the country. Here, entirely from scratch, I built a career and made lots of friends who became my family. I met my DP and we’ve gone on to have 2 kids.

Through this my mum continued to be up and down with alcohol. When she was on the bottle she’d ring me and be volatile and cause chaos within the family back home. Then when she’d sober up she’d resume back to lovely daily phone calls and visits to see me.

When she was on drink I was so happy to have the distance and ‘new life’ I’d created for myself.

From 2017 - 21 she had several mental breakdowns which I supported but subsequently caused me a great deal of pain. Shes never had many friends and the few contacts she had she lost through her volatile drunken behaviour as well as a lot of the family which she’s never been able to reconcile.

Since then she’s drank less and less and now been a year sober and is into fitness and wellness. She then came into some money and decided to buy a house in my new town as well as keeping her other house the other side of the country to live between the two.
She said this was so we can be closer and she can see the grandchildren grow up.

In theory this is good as when she is sober we’re close and enjoy each others company. However now it’s happened issues are starting to show.

Shes pretty much latched onto me and the life I’ve built for myself as her ‘social’ life. Shes come to my partners family events and tried to befriend my in-laws.
Shes come to an event hosted by one of my friends.
Shes decided she’s going to spend Christmas up here and with me and my family without asking me just assuming it would be okay. Me and DP have either hosted or been hosted with his family every year and decided this year was just gonna be ‘us’, but she’s railroaded herself into this.

Dont get me wrong she’s the definition of ‘introvert’ so has never been one for friends outside of family and isn’t at mine at everyday or anything but expects to be invited to all events and occasions.

I can’t lie, I feel resentful. This is MY life and my sanctuary that I built when I had nothing. My issues as an adult have all stemmed from her and her drinking growing up. I feel torn. I love her so much but I feel such mixed emotions.

Me and DP booked our first family holiday abroad next year. I told her when she popped over as I was excited and she said ‘oh I’ll come, I don’t have anyone to holiday with’ and I had to say I don’t think it’s a good idea as I don’t think DP would appreciate me just tagging on his mother in-law. My mum then said she’d babysit a couple of nights so we could go out and keep to herself a lot and not expect to go on any days out but would be nice to have someone to sit near the pool by during the day as she’s found her solo holidays lonely.
I again reiterated I don’t think DP would buy it and she didn’t get the hint and so I said I’d ask him but don’t be offended if he says no. She said she wouldn’t be. This was on Friday.

Of course my DP said no. I wouldn’t expect him to ever say yes.

Now I’m going over there this afternoon and I’ve been sick with anxiety all weekend. Feeling guilty and worried she’ll be upset and feel like shit about herself.

I also feel low level anger for her putting me in this situation. Why invite yourself?!
I also have low level anger about a lot of shit from the past and how she’s now overtaking my future.

I was thinking this is the time that whilst I tell her about a no to the holiday I also tell her how I’m feeling and about how we go about the future. But how?!

How on earth do I word so that she understands without badly hurting her? I don’t want her to relapse but I need her to understand fully how the past has really affected me as an adult that I’m still healing from. That I need some boundaries. I just don’t know how to even explain it as it’s all so emotive.

On top of this I just feel so guilty and like a bad daughter. I just don’t know what to do. But I feel sick.

What are you up to at the weekend?
Not sure yet.
Where are you going on holiday?
Me and Dh can't agree so nothing booked for the us yet.
Any theatre trips planned?
Not so far.
You are constantly giving her an 'in' by telling her your plans. I get how it's happened, but you will have to be careful around her from now on. Any plans that she hears about and piggy backs on, have a stock response that gets you out of her going too. "It's just us that are going, mum" or "numbers are limited" or "not this time mum". Anything which gets the message across. If your husband's family wanted to invite her to things, they would have. I suspect they are being polite when she turns up out of courtesy to you. My sympathy

Plenty of good advice above on how to approach this - starting - but not ending - with the holiday.

Anyone who has had a parent who drank a lot and was capable of, for example, turning up drunk to a school concert or coming home very late when they were meant to be hosting a party, has st least some understanding of what you’re feeling. If she can stay sober and come out of this permanently, the tension you feel will, over time, reduce.

Start with the holiday - a clear no, as you’re going on your own. When she says she wants/needs … you need to push back and remind her that it’s not just about what she needs. It’s about what you and your DH need. When she’s says she can babysit so you can go out - say calmly - no, mum; we’re going on our own. Make sure she has no details of how you’re travelling or where you’re staying. Be vague.

Then you’re going to have to be less open about what you’re doing at the weekend, or you put your foot down and make it clear she’s not invited. ‘No, mum, she’s just having a tiny gathering…’; ‘No, mum, they’re having a difficult time with X and it’s not appropriate for anyone else to turn up.’

I'd go "grey rock". And kindly suggest she spends some time with her other kids as well as yourself. As a parent of an adult I'd never dream of behaving like this, it's overbearing and intrusive. She probably has a lot of guilt from past behaviour and feels as though she needs to make it up to you for all the lost times etc, but this isn't the way to go about it. Can you suggest therapy to her?

I read the long message you want to give to your mum and I understand why you want to and think it will be constructive. Particularly what I think you want to explain about the Christening and the impact it on you. Unfortunately I think you are not seeing the wider picture and your main priority. Your priority is protecting yourself and the life you created from what has been 'life long chaos'.

If you read this message to your mum then the emotional focus becomes, unintentionally, yet again about how she feels, how she reacts and what you empower her to project back on to you. This is not the way to go about protecting yourself.

In my experience, and mine is uncomfortably close, you need to prioritize your space, energy and your family. I do this by creating space, not over-sharing any personal information that can be weaponized or taken advantage of. The alcohol may be on the retreat but it is being replaced by another kind of negativity - enmeshment! You, your family and relationships is being siphoned off to fill the void. It is just a different kind of drug that people like your mother craves and feeds off. You are the object, and you are not being seen as a person.

You ask if you do not read this to her now, then when? The answer is likely never. The first priority for you is becoming stronger, creating separation and protecting yourself from what is often like being with an emotional vampire.

You have had plenty of good suggestions for stock phrases to use to create separation. It is essential. An alcohol relapse is highly likely. And very much more likely if you read your message and hand her the power to know her behaviour has the effect of getting and holding your attention. You must now adopt more grey rock type behaviour. You may also need to spend time reflecting, establishing boundaries once again in this new setting. The ways you previously held her at length when she lived far away need to be refined.

You need this space between you and your mum for your wellbeing. You focus on this and acknowledge that your mum is responsible for hers. You have to be tough, think through what and why you share information. It will really help you feel better about the whole situation. Please don't let her destroy the life you built.

It's unhelpful to tell someone who is struggling with boundaries and is possibly trauma bonded with her mother that she should cut her some slack, be kind comments and that this is all normal.

"she's a human being". What does that even mean, of course she is a human being, what else would she be - a dog? Such rubbish.

No - you are justifying it, as if you are being unreasonable - too many words. I know why you are justifying it, you want to assuage your guilt and are hoping it will make her feel not as bad. You can't control what she feels or if she listens.

I think the trouble with giving her the letter is that I doubt she will change her behaviour

The fantasy is that she will understand the effect it's having on you and behave differently but to be fair she's had a long long time to do that and she never put you first before. I suspect it will just be a painful argument for nothing. It's unlikely that she really understands or will accept how badly her drinking has impacted you.

The only persons behaviour you can ever really change is your own. I think I would skip the explanation and just go straight to putting in boundaries. Talk to your DP and get his help with making a firm plan. She can ask you for an explanation if she wants to.

If you want to be kind you could pair it with encouragement to get her own life. GPs often have 'social prescribers' or 'community navigators' these days who exist to put people in touch with the things in their local community. Maybe suggest that. If you take away the easy option of piggy backing on your life she might have to build more resources of her own.

I know it's hard but you need to stop telling her things.

The examples you give above show that you immediately tell her everything about your plans.

Your example about going to the shops, just say you're food shopping. There's no reason to mention that you're buying food for a party, what you're buying, whose party it is, when the party is.

I agree with PPs about some counselling to help set some boundaries.

I think based on your last post it’s not your mother so much but your fear of the chaos she may cause if she relapses. Can you explain to her that that she needs to stay away if she’s drinking? Have you had that conversation? (Haven’t read the whole thread, sorry)

Just to clarify I agree you don’t have to get her to understand why she has to stay away if drinking. Just tell her that this is, unfortunately, a condition of your relationship.

Doesn’t seem unreasonable if you have children of school age as they (as you know) won’t benefit from being exposed to such behaviour.

I understand there's a lot of other stuff going on, but tbh the thing that stood out to me is that, even if none of that had happened, the sort of things she is inviting herself to would still be inappropriate, and you'd be completely in your rights to feel annoyed about it even if you had a completely perfect relationship.

So even if you have the 'big' conversation with her, and after a few months she starts to invite herself to stuff again, if at times it's too much to bring up the whole past, or you don't want her to feel guilty, just react as you would if it was anyone else inviting themselves.

'Mum, don't' be silly, none of the other girls are bringing their parents to the show, I think I'm old enough now to go out without mummy!'

'It's just a small bbq so I would feel rude bringing anyone else. Perhaps DH and I will host something next month.'

'Mum, don't be silly. I don't invite myself along to your exercise classes/etc.'

Or just a blatant. 'Mum, you're not invited!' Or a slightly nicer. 'Mum, I always love seeing you when DH and I host things, but when I go to see my friends or my in-laws, nobody else brings their parents and you put me in an awkward position when you invite yourself along. I appreciate you don't know many people here, but you need to build a life that's separate to mine. If you want to meet more people why don't you try...'

Agree with the PPs, it's much too long.

You need to be really focussed, and repetitive.

No. We are looking forward to having some time on our own with the kids.

No. We are going on our own with the kids.

No. We want to go, just the four of us.

With other things-

No, I don't need the drama. I remember being so upset at the christening.

No. I want to keep my friends and DH's family separate.

No, I need to be able to do things without you.

No.

Because all the above statements are about you and what you want, she can't disagree/argue. I mean, she won't want to accept it but you don't need to get into a conversation about it.

If you say 'the way you behaved around the christening...' you give her the opportunity to swear she is different now.

No. I don't want it.
No, I want something else.

"Sorry, that's not going to work for us."
"This is just going to be a family holiday for the three of us."
"We're having a small, stay at home Christmas this year."
"It's just for DP's side of the family."
"Actually, I don't think you're invited, sorry."

I think your message is far too long. You do need to have a conversation with her, but that's just too much all at once and she won't take it in.
Start by putting boundaries in place about the holiday without any justification for not allowing her to go and without putting the blame on DH.
"I think there's been a misunderstanding about the holiday. It's the first holiday for me, DH and the children and we've decided it's going to be just us" And then suggest types of holidays she could go on if she claims the issue is because she has no one to go with. If she keeps going on about the holiday you just do the "stuck record" technique "As I've said, it's just me, DH and the children". Again and again, without emotion, without justification. You're putting a boundary in place.

Then stop oversharing details of weekend plans, events with inlaws etc.
Your example conversation:
Her: what are plans this weekend?
Me: We don't know yet. DH and I and the children will probably do something spontaneous.
Her: oh can I come along?
Me: As I said, we don't know what we are doing yet, but we will be doing something just the 4 of us (or however many of you there are)

me: I need to leave soon before the shop shuts
her: buying anything nice?
me: Just the usual

Stop saying stuff like you're getting salad for so and so's birthday BBQ because that's when she'll invite herself along.
Yes, it's hard and might feel a bit impolite, but by oversharing you are enabling to invite herself along to things she isn't invited to. Shut it down before it even starts.

Start with the word no as this is clear and you’ve made your point in the first moment. Just say no you can come on our family holiday because it is for me, my dp and our kids. It’s for us as a family unit. As she’s come into money suggest solo holidays and give her some links to follow up. Keep your boundary.

IF you read that or send it to her, you need to take your DP out of it entirely.

YOU need to own this decision, OP. It's a perfectly 100% reasonable position to take ('NO to joining you on your holiday'), but you need to make it clear that this is YOUR decision, and your decision only, for entirely valid reasons.

100% this.

Don't use him as a scapegoat or she'll turn on him. Be honest. No. That doesn't work for me.

You've had wonderful advice on here and I have nothing to add.
I just want to say I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds so tough. well done on creating a lovely new life for yourself.

I am in a similar situation OP so I empathise with how difficult it is to manage.

My Mum is very similar with alcohol. My situation escalated when my Dad died a few years ago. Mum now expects to be invited to everything and sulks/becomes aggressive when she isn’t. Last week my brother and I went for lunch together and when she found out she was sullen and snappy and aggressive to us both but never actually said anything. This happens constantly - if I say I’ve been anywhere she says ‘I would have loved to have done that but I never go anywhere’. It’s hard work.

You’ve been given lots of good advice and I hope it all works out.

Last week my brother and I went for lunch together and when she found out she was sullen and snappy and aggressive to us both

How did she find out?

Saw this on insta yesterday this morning and thought it was relevant to this thread

then don't tell her
"What are you doing this weekend?"
" oh jobs and stuff"
"I need to leave before the shops shut, I need to pick up some bits and pIeces"

I hope things go well this afternoon.Don't send the long message, it won't get the response you hope for. Has she ever genuinely apologised for the hurt and upset she has caused through the years because of her behaviour?
She is still in child mode with you as the organiser of her social life and sadly you're still desperately hoping she might become a proper Mum to you.
She is not a child though, and she needs to own her own sobriety. Practice saying no to individual requests starting with this holiday. At most "Mum DH and the DCs and I need time alone to relax together as a family. We will be going on our own." Don't justify yourself and say it as a joint decision DH and yourself. She needs to understand that you and DH are the unit not her and you.

So this is your problem:

Her: what are plans this weekend?
Me: oh my friend Louise is in a show at the local theatre I’m going to see Saturday. "I'm catching up with an old friend." Full stop, no more needed.
Her: oh I love the theatre! What time? I’ll get some tickets.
If she pushed "no, you are not invited."

me: I need to leave soon before the shop shuts
her: buying anything nice?
me: It’s DPs sister birthday this weekend. So I said I’d make a salad and cake for the bbq so I better get going. "Just getting a few groceries I need."
Her: oh on Saturday? I can do with some socialising actually. Tell her I’ll bring some kebabs.
If she pushes "no, you are not invited."

I think you are making the problem by over sharing.

You managed to move miles and miles away years ago

but now you can't manage to say the word NO

practice it in the mirror.

then say it, more than once if needed !

and stop telling her so much about your social life !