My mum is ‘inviting’ herself on my family holiday and taking over my life AIBU?

[Whatthefuckwasthat]

I am sorry if this post seems rambled, I’m currently spiralling.
There’s a huge backstory to this which is why it may not make complete sense.

Growing up my mum was an alcoholic. She had long periods is sobriety and always tried to fight it but would always relapse and go on a bender for several days until she reached rock bottom and the cycle would continue.

When sober she is very loving, kind and thoughtful. She is intelligent, personable and goes out of her way to help people. When drunk is a very different person and has done and said some extreme awful/hurtful things. I have siblings but we are not close.

After university I moved to the other side of the country. Here, entirely from scratch, I built a career and made lots of friends who became my family. I met my DP and we’ve gone on to have 2 kids.

Through this my mum continued to be up and down with alcohol. When she was on the bottle she’d ring me and be volatile and cause chaos within the family back home. Then when she’d sober up she’d resume back to lovely daily phone calls and visits to see me.

When she was on drink I was so happy to have the distance and ‘new life’ I’d created for myself.

From 2017 - 21 she had several mental breakdowns which I supported but subsequently caused me a great deal of pain. Shes never had many friends and the few contacts she had she lost through her volatile drunken behaviour as well as a lot of the family which she’s never been able to reconcile.

Since then she’s drank less and less and now been a year sober and is into fitness and wellness. She then came into some money and decided to buy a house in my new town as well as keeping her other house the other side of the country to live between the two.
She said this was so we can be closer and she can see the grandchildren grow up.

In theory this is good as when she is sober we’re close and enjoy each others company. However now it’s happened issues are starting to show.

Shes pretty much latched onto me and the life I’ve built for myself as her ‘social’ life. Shes come to my partners family events and tried to befriend my in-laws.
Shes come to an event hosted by one of my friends.
Shes decided she’s going to spend Christmas up here and with me and my family without asking me just assuming it would be okay. Me and DP have either hosted or been hosted with his family every year and decided this year was just gonna be ‘us’, but she’s railroaded herself into this.

Dont get me wrong she’s the definition of ‘introvert’ so has never been one for friends outside of family and isn’t at mine at everyday or anything but expects to be invited to all events and occasions.

I can’t lie, I feel resentful. This is MY life and my sanctuary that I built when I had nothing. My issues as an adult have all stemmed from her and her drinking growing up. I feel torn. I love her so much but I feel such mixed emotions.

Me and DP booked our first family holiday abroad next year. I told her when she popped over as I was excited and she said ‘oh I’ll come, I don’t have anyone to holiday with’ and I had to say I don’t think it’s a good idea as I don’t think DP would appreciate me just tagging on his mother in-law. My mum then said she’d babysit a couple of nights so we could go out and keep to herself a lot and not expect to go on any days out but would be nice to have someone to sit near the pool by during the day as she’s found her solo holidays lonely.
I again reiterated I don’t think DP would buy it and she didn’t get the hint and so I said I’d ask him but don’t be offended if he says no. She said she wouldn’t be. This was on Friday.

Of course my DP said no. I wouldn’t expect him to ever say yes.

Now I’m going over there this afternoon and I’ve been sick with anxiety all weekend. Feeling guilty and worried she’ll be upset and feel like shit about herself.

I also feel low level anger for her putting me in this situation. Why invite yourself?!
I also have low level anger about a lot of shit from the past and how she’s now overtaking my future.

I was thinking this is the time that whilst I tell her about a no to the holiday I also tell her how I’m feeling and about how we go about the future. But how?!

How on earth do I word so that she understands without badly hurting her? I don’t want her to relapse but I need her to understand fully how the past has really affected me as an adult that I’m still healing from. That I need some boundaries. I just don’t know how to even explain it as it’s all so emotive.

On top of this I just feel so guilty and like a bad daughter. I just don’t know what to do. But I feel sick.

You really need to say no, you are being non committal by passing it to your DP.

If she invites herself along you need to say sorry you haven't been invited it's with DPs family/friends etc. By allowing it you have made her think it's OK. You need to also stop telling her where possible, 'not sure, catching up with friends when we're not sorting stuff at home' and leave it vague.

Or maybe you need to tell her outright?

Stop telling her your plans. She can't invite herself if she doesn't know.
If she brings up the holiday again (I wouldn't mention it first) just say you are keeping it as is. Don't get tied into discussions about it either -if she starts asking again, shut it down straight away. DON'T tell her where you are going or what you are doing. Or tell her you've changed your plans and haven't booked anything yet and just go.

You're oversharing op. I've been in a similar position with my own mother and tried to stop oversharing with her, which made her kick off massively. It was all or nothing with her. I wonder if your mum is the same?

I would feel resentful in your position too. She's ruined all her relationships and is now settling in to repeat the pattern in your life. You need to find a way to keep her at arm's length, and it will make you uncomfortable to do so, but this isn't going away without some work.

Say No to this one and maybe suggest you and her can go somewhere else together... a weekend away or something...so she has something to look forward to. She really needs some friends, encourage her to seek some through social events etc

Thank you for all your replies you are right.

@Toxicinlawz i get what your saying. But one thing I really worry about is if she gets close and friends with anyone in my life, if she relapses she will have access to them to become volatile.

Let’s say she stays sober another year or two and in that time entwined her life with mine. Is friendly with my in-laws (very big family), and my friends and becomes a ‘part’ of my circles. Then she relapses and goes on a bender. She would go off on anyone/everyone she is in contact with.
It would then affect/ruin my relationships that I’ve built. Shes a different person when drunk. It’s awful.

My best friends had her on social media and had to delete her on my request a few years back when she went on a rampage and started posting really nasty and worrying things on socials.

I would find it very easy to say in these instances that it isn’t your party / trip / outing and it isn’t your place to invite other people. And it isn’t - it would be pretty rude to turn up with someone not on the original list, whoever it is.

You have to start saying no. And for a while you need to be really vague about what you’re up to, so she can’t invite herself along.

I massively feel for you but you’re setting your partner up here too, which is unfair. You’ve painted him as the bad guy. It was never about asking him, you don’t even want her to go!

Be vague. “A BBQ at an old friends house.”, “Spain”, “A play date for your kid” whatever. Whatever helps you not to give away everything. And then practice saying no; that doesn’t work for you.

You’ll need to correct Christmas soon, too. Perhaps say you hadn’t fully made plans when you last spoke but you’re all still keen on a small Christmas and so you’ll see her on 22nd December or whatever to celebrate with her.

Then encourage her to find her own friends in either location. Message her about coffee morningS that you see advertised, etc. Some well meaning pressure could really help here.

it will feel hard, but your life (and your families), aren’t going to feel like they are yours until you do it.

Why is it unhelpful? Because it goes against the constant moans of the mumsnet police about setting boundaries. Ops mum is still a human being. Or did you.miss this. She's also in a good place and getting on with op. She is getting involved which is NORMAL . She's allowed to get to know the inlaws and she's allowed to want to go to events. NORMAL FAMILIES DO THIS. op has accepted her mum back , they are moving forward not backwards which is why I said what i said. If you are trying to improve something don't shit all over it is what I'm trying to say. Op is free to out with her friends and holiday and say no to her mum. Most kids don't take their parents with them where ever they go. What I said is if you're able to read and understand context is allow some time for mum to be involved so they can continue to grow. I'm sorry you're to arrogant to get this and you find it easier to push op into a pattern of setting boundaries that means treating this woman like crap.

But she’s not allowed to invite herself everywhere. The OP is entitled to a life and identity of her own. Presumably the in laws would have invited her to the BBQ if they wanted her there.
We do some occasions with both sides of in law together but the vast majority are not mingled. And in any case this is not a ‘normal’ mother daughter relationship given what has passed

OP, stop hinting and hit her with a NO the size of a boulder.

If you need and demo on this, there's an excellent scene in "Julie and Julia" where a friend of Julie stops her snacking on breadsticks with the exact type "NO!" you require right now. Go, watch, learn, apply.

You're welcome.

Entirely reasonable to say no to her! Please do as she's pushing your boundaries and this is a point where you have to say no, she can't just barge in and change the dynamics of your holiday, unacceptable

That sounds so stressful OP.

You're right that you should use this conversation as a more general nudge away from your circles.

Could you paint it as "we need time just us as a family. It will give you time to find your own feet around here. Now that you're settled, it would be best that you have your own circles rather than tagging along with ours."

Are your friends and in-laws aware of your complicated relationship with your mum? If not, I'd tell them and either way be explicit that you're not happy about your mum tagging along. They may think they're being helpful to you by involving her, they need to know that it's the opposite.

Let’s say she stays sober another year or two and in that time entwined her life with mine. Is friendly with my in-laws (very big family), and my friends and becomes a ‘part’ of my circles. Then she relapses and goes on a bender. She would go off on anyone/everyone she is in contact with.
It would then affect/ruin my relationships that I’ve built. Shes a different person when drunk. It’s awful.

OK but those people probably have much better boundaries than you do (not your fault but currently you don't) so would likely be much, much better at shutting down her bullshit if she pulls it. And I'm quite sure they're capable of mentally separating her from you, so if she does do something ghastly I doubt they'd hold it against you. They'd likely be sympathetic to you, in fact.

I'm not saying you should welcome her into those circles - far from it, and in fact I'd probably have your partner discreetly making his family aware of her past issues so they can make informed decisions about how much time to spend with her and whether they actually want to invite her to things - but I think you're worrying ahead to a scenario that is actually not likely to play out in the way you fear. You have real difficulty telling her to fuck off when the situation demands it, other people are much more likely to be willing to serve her up a large portion of any awkwardness she chooses to bring with her.

On which note - stop trying not to upset her. I don't mean 'try to upset her', that would be cruel and unnecessary, but you're effectively here asking 'how can I tell her these things which may be difficult to hear without them being difficult for her to hear?' and the end result of that approach is that you aren't actually telling her the things at all/sufficiently clearly to be understood. You're perceiving 'clearly communicating something I need her to know' as falling in the cruel and unnecessary category and it doesn't belong there.

I would say no to the holiday and unlike others I would blame it on your DH, she probably doesn’t have the front to wear him down. Just say ‘Look I’ve spoken to Greg and he says it’s a definite no I’m afraid. He has an awful lot on at work and he’s stressed up to the eyeballs. He really needs this downtime with just us.’

I would be wary about bringing up all the rest.

With regards to her tagging along, I would tell her nothing. Stop telling her about your friends and family. When she asks what the plans are, I’d say ‘nothing’. Maybe suggest a spa day to make up for the holiday, have her round the house for meals or go out to dinner together, but I would stop the integration with your circle. My Mum knows all my friends but she wouldn’t come out with us.

@Toxicinlawz have you actually read the ops posts? Have you read the last one?
Have you read where she goes full on destructive to everyone including those relationships OP has worked so hard to build?
So she gets a pass because she's a 'human being'. And a child ? What about a child who was a human being too, that had to grow up with an alcoholic and the trauma from that?
Op has time and again said how she ruined relationships with everyone around her, yet she must be given endless opportunities to destroy that.
So the OP needs to promise a holiday or some make up event if she says no?

Anyway, please don't engage with me further as you are clearly one of those 'but she's your mum' types and intent on disregarding what the op has been trying to say.

Whatever you say, you will never be responsible for her relapsing - that will always be her choice about how she deals with things and you should not spend your life tiptoeing around her.

You just need to spell it out calmly and politely “we’ve decided we don’t want anyone else coming on our holiday as it’s really important for our relationship that we have this time away as just us and our children”.

About the holiday abroad I would say 'we need to take this holiday alone, as a family. It's our time to bond away from work. Hope you understand that".

So explain things in terms of your needs.
With friends group you can try to explain... 'I spent ages and many very uncomfortable times forcing my anxiety to one side to make these friends. Its really important to me that I have friends separate from family. It makes me feel like a independent person. Can you understand that? ".

Then also, look for things she could join herself and maybe offer to go with her the first couple of times.

“Mum, it’s a no to joining us on holiday. We need time together and as parents with the kids, and that’s all there is to it really. To be honest I think you need your own social circle and friends… ways of using her fitness to make friends… go in a group walking holiday … wellness retreat… whatever”

This 💯

I think you should have counselling to help you process what you have been through in your earlier life.

Poor you OP, you have my sympathy.

No is a complete sentence. Stop feeling guilty. You really don't owe her. She knows how she's behaved.

She needs to get her own social circle. Stop giving her so much information.

I still socialise with adult dcs but I wouldn't dream of inviting myself.

Stop sharing all these events with her. Learn some stock phrases and trot them out when she asks what are you doing this weekend, what holidays are you thinking of doing etc.
You need to enforce strong boundaries and ensure your DP backs you up.

Perhaps have a look at Al-Anon for families.

OP

Put yourself in your mums shoes. This may help you understand her woes a little easier
I hope you guys can sort it out where you and mum is happy - ie a compromised
Take care

You need to be more honest. Your holding back because of fear she will relapse but you are not responsible for her reactions to things. If she drinks it's because she is choosing to drink. It's because she's using alcohol as a coping mechanism. I don't think it's fair to make your DH the bad guy. You don't want her on your family holiday. You need to say NO. I'm sorry you don't have anyone to holiday with but I'm going with my children and husband.

With the other events you need to say no she can't just invite herself. Maybe a shit sandwich would help.

Compliment
Shit
Compliment

Eg

You know I love spending time with you.
Unfortunately, you can't come to SIL BBQ.
However, I'd love to meet up on Tuesday for coffee and cake.

“Mum, I’m proud of you for being sober, but I can’t be your only person. It’s time for you to start getting out of your comfort zone and finding your own people. I love you, but we can’t continue being your only social life. On that note, you need to stop inviting yourself along to things. It has been making things awkward.”