My mum is ‘inviting’ herself on my family holiday and taking over my life AIBU?

[Whatthefuckwasthat]

I am sorry if this post seems rambled, I’m currently spiralling.
There’s a huge backstory to this which is why it may not make complete sense.

Growing up my mum was an alcoholic. She had long periods is sobriety and always tried to fight it but would always relapse and go on a bender for several days until she reached rock bottom and the cycle would continue.

When sober she is very loving, kind and thoughtful. She is intelligent, personable and goes out of her way to help people. When drunk is a very different person and has done and said some extreme awful/hurtful things. I have siblings but we are not close.

After university I moved to the other side of the country. Here, entirely from scratch, I built a career and made lots of friends who became my family. I met my DP and we’ve gone on to have 2 kids.

Through this my mum continued to be up and down with alcohol. When she was on the bottle she’d ring me and be volatile and cause chaos within the family back home. Then when she’d sober up she’d resume back to lovely daily phone calls and visits to see me.

When she was on drink I was so happy to have the distance and ‘new life’ I’d created for myself.

From 2017 - 21 she had several mental breakdowns which I supported but subsequently caused me a great deal of pain. Shes never had many friends and the few contacts she had she lost through her volatile drunken behaviour as well as a lot of the family which she’s never been able to reconcile.

Since then she’s drank less and less and now been a year sober and is into fitness and wellness. She then came into some money and decided to buy a house in my new town as well as keeping her other house the other side of the country to live between the two.
She said this was so we can be closer and she can see the grandchildren grow up.

In theory this is good as when she is sober we’re close and enjoy each others company. However now it’s happened issues are starting to show.

Shes pretty much latched onto me and the life I’ve built for myself as her ‘social’ life. Shes come to my partners family events and tried to befriend my in-laws.
Shes come to an event hosted by one of my friends.
Shes decided she’s going to spend Christmas up here and with me and my family without asking me just assuming it would be okay. Me and DP have either hosted or been hosted with his family every year and decided this year was just gonna be ‘us’, but she’s railroaded herself into this.

Dont get me wrong she’s the definition of ‘introvert’ so has never been one for friends outside of family and isn’t at mine at everyday or anything but expects to be invited to all events and occasions.

I can’t lie, I feel resentful. This is MY life and my sanctuary that I built when I had nothing. My issues as an adult have all stemmed from her and her drinking growing up. I feel torn. I love her so much but I feel such mixed emotions.

Me and DP booked our first family holiday abroad next year. I told her when she popped over as I was excited and she said ‘oh I’ll come, I don’t have anyone to holiday with’ and I had to say I don’t think it’s a good idea as I don’t think DP would appreciate me just tagging on his mother in-law. My mum then said she’d babysit a couple of nights so we could go out and keep to herself a lot and not expect to go on any days out but would be nice to have someone to sit near the pool by during the day as she’s found her solo holidays lonely.
I again reiterated I don’t think DP would buy it and she didn’t get the hint and so I said I’d ask him but don’t be offended if he says no. She said she wouldn’t be. This was on Friday.

Of course my DP said no. I wouldn’t expect him to ever say yes.

Now I’m going over there this afternoon and I’ve been sick with anxiety all weekend. Feeling guilty and worried she’ll be upset and feel like shit about herself.

I also feel low level anger for her putting me in this situation. Why invite yourself?!
I also have low level anger about a lot of shit from the past and how she’s now overtaking my future.

I was thinking this is the time that whilst I tell her about a no to the holiday I also tell her how I’m feeling and about how we go about the future. But how?!

How on earth do I word so that she understands without badly hurting her? I don’t want her to relapse but I need her to understand fully how the past has really affected me as an adult that I’m still healing from. That I need some boundaries. I just don’t know how to even explain it as it’s all so emotive.

On top of this I just feel so guilty and like a bad daughter. I just don’t know what to do. But I feel sick.

Oh, I honestly thought you were me … identical situation here. Except my mum is living with us and is completely taking over everything. I’m absolutely suffocated by her and to my absolute shame a horrible part of me wants her to die because I can’t bear it.

of course YANBU … it’s so difficult, if you’re not in that situation, it’s as if your life vanishes and you can’t do anything about it.

Can you try and support her into creating her own social network? She’s obviously struggling and sees you as her only person which is exhausting and stressful for you.

send her a message saying sorry but coming on the holiday is a no, a friend mentioned a solo holiday company she’s used, here’s a link.

I imagine your extended family have already got her measure and please understand that they will not judge you if and when she falls off the wagon. It would be embarrassing for you but if they are nice people they will support you not judge.

This is so similar to so many threads I see on mumsnet these days where the OP finds it difficult to be assertive to someone who is emotionally manipulative.

You have already had some good advice and I will just reiterate it - stop oversharing and telling your mum your plans. Be vague. Try and see if there is some kind of assertiveness training course.

And lastly just tell her that she is not coming on holiday with you.

It sounds like she is lonely. Can you signpost her to some local groups that she can join?

Thanks Everyone.

Ive written this out to say to her today. I’m thinking of reading it out to her. Please tell me what you think?

Hey mum I’ve spoke to DP and it’s a no go for holiday. To be honest I’ve been really anxious all weekend about this and I’ve had to really reflect and think why it’s affected me so much I think it’s best I just speak to you rather than stew.
I really like having you nearby and watching you do so well this past year. But I need to be honest here about my anxieties for the future. As you know I’ve been in therapy on and off for years and a big point was about our relationship which I’ve told you. I live in worry about you relapsing which i know I'm powerless to do anything about and I can’t change. But before, if you were to relapse the knock on effect would stop with me. But now with you close by I am so mindful that the more you have a presence in my everyday life, the knock on affect could potentially affect my actual everyday life and the life I’ve built. Before I could just cry and go to therapy and try to distance myself for a few weeks. But now that couldn’t happen. When you get upset/angry you lash out. I worry you’d kick off at DP, his family and anyone else up here. It’s a genuine fear. Holidays can be intense and stressful and family holidays in childhood you always ended up drinking at some point and it’d all kick off. I don’t say that to be hurtful, I say it from a place of honesty. Although you may now know yourself you’d never ever do that these days with hindsight. I live with the memories and it’s a very real fear for me.

I will give you this example as it’s the most tangible so maybe you can understand why things are so difficult for me.

When I tried to arrange DCs christening you caused me so much anxiety and upset. You said you didn’t want to come and didn’t agree with the christening which was fine. Then you changed your mind and wanted to come which was fine too. You were sober and well and even bought the christening dress and braclet which was lovely. I told everyone up here you were coming and I really looked forward to it. Then you changed your mind again and I accepted it and lied to everyone why you wouldn’t be able to make it. But then 2 days before the event you rang me drunk and said you were upset you weren’t coming, really wanted to come and were looking up trains but they were sold out. This sent me into a panic as you were so adamant you wanted to come and were so distressed by now not going. You even asked if I could see if a friend would bring you. In the back of my mind though I was so worried, would you still be drunk? Would you fall out with anyone if you attended? I then spent the next 48 hours stressed and managed to get you a lift only for you to then turn your phone off. You also didn’t contact me on the day. It almost ruined the christening. Over 100 people turned up including friends from all over the UK. It was so upsetting and embarrassing whenever people asked where you were.
Two weeks later you contact me again after going MIA and you were fine and sober and we picked up where we left off and neither of us addressed the christening. I didn’t want to cause you any upset or risk you relapsing again, so I buried it and carried on and tried to forget about it.
Why do I bring this up now?
Because it relates to how I feel now we are in close quarters. When things are good they are great. We have such a laugh and are so close. But when things were bad for you although it affected me, it only affected me. I could brush it off to others and make my excuses and be upset in private . But if it were to happen now it wouldn’t be so easy and actual tangible damage could be caused to my relationships. It was the distance that stopped you coming to the christening drunk and enabled me to make excuses. It was the distance that stopped people in my life up here seeing the worrying posts on social media you’d write or knowing personal details about our family.
I know you’re in a good place now and that’s brilliant for everyone and I’m so proud of you. But that doesn’t stop the very real anxiety for me. If you relapse again and so close to me, it could have very real repercussions for me. I need to tell you this because I want our relationship to continue to grow but I think we only can if we also acknowledge the past.

Look up the NACOA on web/insta/FB and start learning about how being brought up by an alcoholic has affected you. There is a lot of information and support there.

Ignore Toxicinlawz as she clearly
doesn’t understand the issues at play here.

It's great that you have explained in that piece how you feel. But reading it out to her - it will go in one ear and out the other. Can you email or post it?

I can only reiterate what everyone has said about oversharing. Stop! Keep your peronsal life much more private.

And most of all stop worrying about upsetting your mum. You are allowed to upset her if that's the only way to protect yourself. Keep telling yourself this - I am allowed to say no.

I agree with@Chamomileteaplease. Email or post it. Or just hand her the letter.

Stay strong. We've got your back 💐

I would tell her kindly but firmly today that she can't come on your family holiday. Use We decided ...not DH decided. Do it firmly but kindly ..a bit like @ChangeAgain2 suggests.
I wouldn't bring all the other stuff up today. Let her diguest the no holiday first. No need to link it to past events. It is perfectly reasonable for anyone, good relationship or not, to not want there mother on their family holiday.
You don't want an argument linking past events to today's refusal. Hopefully sticking to the holiday issue today won't trigger a relapse. If it does don't blame yourself.
When this issue is established you can begin gradually distancing yourself in a kind way. Explain she is welcome sometimes but she needs other friends. I am aither and grandma. It is hard when some mothers feel a sense of ownership of their daughter's. I am sure you will know how to move ahead sensitively one step at a time. I would use @ChangeAgain2 's tactic every time. Putting in the thing you can offer at the end. If she takes that up ..good. if she refuses you then say ...that's a shame. Never mind well do something another time then move the conversation on. 💐
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Oh and you probably know this but don't be surprised at emotional blackmail. Be prepared. You have your own family now. She messed you up remember.

I’m not saying you should, but we used to take my mum away on long weekends so she had some kind of holiday with us. We had our main longer holidays without her. Depends on her age etc but if fit and well there are organised group holidays she could go on, if she doesn’t want to, that’s her choice.
she does sound really difficult.

I wonder whether you could have joint therapy with your mother where you can talk through that kind of thing. What you have written is amazing. However if you just say it to her she won't take most of it in, she'll be dwelling on something you said earlier on. I think you should write it out and give it to her and then suggest counselling together.

It's not working out, her living near you.

It's causing you far too much anxiety. She needs to accept that everything she does has a price.

I am reading this with interest because my mother is similar. For example, this year I've not gone on holiday to Italy because I mentioned it to my mother last year, she said " oh, I'll come". So now I feel I can't go to Italy because I don't want her coming and if I go without her she will be offended/angry/bitchy.

Fyi, she's not the alcoholic in my family, my father was when I was growing up. He's been sober since my twenties.

OP, you need to try not to give her so much detail. Although I appreciate that these things come out of left field often.

Definitely don't read that out to her, far too long and she won't care.

Just tell her you've changed your holiday plans so no holiday.

And going forward, practice not telling her stuff. It's not a surprise she wants to be involved as you are currently telling her every detail of your life, it's a very mixed message.

Have some stock phrases ready when she asks what you are doing
Don't know, not decided yet
We'll just go with the flow
DP is coming up with something
No real plans at the moment even if you do

I am incredibly close to my 4 adult kids. I would never invite my self along to anything. You can reasonably tell her no.

Op you've explained yourself really well in that email, and have given her a solid example which she can't deny. However I would send this to her to read instead of you saying it directly to her . And I think more importantly you need to be prepared for the various scenarios of her reaction to it. If she kicks off what will you do, if she gets drunk are you going to blame yourself, if she emotionally manipulates you then what's your boundaries?
Be prepared.
I think this is also a good opportunity to now make it very clear to her that she needs to not depend on you so much and make her own way.

How can you be a mother to your own children when you have to sacrifice part of you to be a mother to your mother? That's not right and it should make you want to stand up for them and for yourself.

The reason I think I should open this up to a wider discussion is because it’s not just about the holiday.

Yes I can go and say no to the holiday but then next week it’s something else.

I was thinking if I used this holiday as an ‘opening’ for a wider conversation.

This anxiety is so very real for me and this weekend I’ve been spiralling and me and do have bickered non stop because I’m so stressed.

If I don’t say it now then when?

randonly on a Tuesday afternoon? ‘Hey mum, how’s it going? Btw here is a list of reasons why you are causing me anxiety’.

It’ll seem like a random attack.

I was thinking I could read it out to her and then forward it to her to reread and digest.

She is not a horrible person by any means. In fact the difficulty is that sober her and drunk her are such totally different people. So when she is sober it is so difficult to talk to her about the things she’s said and done when she is drunk. It would be much easier if she were similarly nasty or a certain way when drunk/sober.

People do not believe me when I tell them what she’s done/said when drunk who’ve never seen her like that.

Anyway, I do feel the holiday has ‘triggered’ me and brought up so much shit. It’s not just the holiday.

I thought if I use this for a real discussion then it will stop further issues arising or if they do, I can refer back to this discussion as a ‘base’.

what you think?

I think you are imagining her responding with 'I am so sorry, I had no idea. Please tell me how I can help you going forward'

Her behaviour over years and years has shown that this is not going to happen.

You can't change her, the only person you can change is yourself. You need to grieve for the mum you wish you had and accept the mum that you do have. Who is nice sometimes and awful a lot of the time.

@Whatthefuckwasthat I think just have to bite the bullet and say it’s not only DH saying ‘no’ but you just want some ‘you kids and him’ time somit’s a no from you, too. And additionally, this year you are doing Christmas just for your unit. Maybe depending how it goes you could say you are glad she’s turned her life around and you are glad she can see more of the children but she has to respect your boundaries and choices too.

I think you should keep your “no” short. Don’t ramble about your anxiety or her issues -all she will hear is blah blah blah and then still ask you about the holiday. My advice is to say that you are not coming on holiday with us. If she asks why - tell her you’ve made your decision and will not discuss it any further. Treat her like a toddler - no negotiation.

You have to learn to give nothing away in conversation….. no details of any plans!

and if she does cotton on then “sorry mum, you haven’t been invited”.

she clear can’t or won’t listen to more gentle approaches.

Look up some local socialising events (maybe tied in with exercise of some kind since she's into that), pretend you want her to go along to one with you, use it as a way to get her some friends. Have a quick word with the organisers, they'll get her integrated in a way that's easy for introverts to deal with.

She just needs some friends that aren't you. She will care about everything else a lot less that way and it'll be less worry for you as well.

Honestly, she sounds well-meaning but manipulative. I think there is immense value in what you said, but too many words for her to twist around and guilt trip you. My advice is to actually address one thing at a time, because she is going to feel under siege otherwise. (I would recommend separate occasions - the holiday first, and the other two when you get back.)

1. The holiday. Get that sorted. Tell her you and DP want to go as just a family. (Or to escape the wider family and spend some alone time with the kids.) Make sure she understands that she is not going with you.

2. Emotional Space: Address this. She needs to get her own social life and stop leaning on you. You are her daughter not her parent. You have your own kids and while she adds so much to your family now she’s well, you feel like she is parentifying you and over-stepping boundaries, ie in-laws.

3. Alcoholism - with a caveat… Have you discussed this with her before? How the thought of her slipping feels to you? Why you have been feeling responsible for her care and your anxiety is sky high as a result? You need to step back for your own MH.

It's going to be hard Op but until you're honest with your DM this will keep esculating. No need for long speeches, just tell her the truth_ she needs to make her own life, she's not entitled to take over yours.
It's not just the drink Op, I know several people who won't let their adult DC live their own lives because they're lonely/ in unhappy marriages, they can't see the damage it's doing to their relationship with their DC.

This - x 1,000,000

Far too long a justification for a simple No

For one thing, she'll not hear everything you say. For another, it panders to her sense of entitlement to come on holiday with, as well as to other events.

Even if you were to email it to her, she would then go through all your explanations and reasons to say why you're wrong/mistaken/not a good daughter/she'll change.

You just need to be clear about your boundaries - and family holidays and personal socialising are not for her to hijack.

Easier said than done though - especially after years of building FOG in you

I like a PP's suggestion that you could help her develop her own life by finding and suggesting coffee meet-ups, or leisure interests for her to get involved in. And maybe agree a regular day/evening/lunch with you so that she and you can continue a more constructive relationship.

Otherwise your resentment of her will continue to grow, which is not healthy for you.