My mum is ‘inviting’ herself on my family holiday and taking over my life AIBU?

[Whatthefuckwasthat]

I am sorry if this post seems rambled, I’m currently spiralling.
There’s a huge backstory to this which is why it may not make complete sense.

Growing up my mum was an alcoholic. She had long periods is sobriety and always tried to fight it but would always relapse and go on a bender for several days until she reached rock bottom and the cycle would continue.

When sober she is very loving, kind and thoughtful. She is intelligent, personable and goes out of her way to help people. When drunk is a very different person and has done and said some extreme awful/hurtful things. I have siblings but we are not close.

After university I moved to the other side of the country. Here, entirely from scratch, I built a career and made lots of friends who became my family. I met my DP and we’ve gone on to have 2 kids.

Through this my mum continued to be up and down with alcohol. When she was on the bottle she’d ring me and be volatile and cause chaos within the family back home. Then when she’d sober up she’d resume back to lovely daily phone calls and visits to see me.

When she was on drink I was so happy to have the distance and ‘new life’ I’d created for myself.

From 2017 - 21 she had several mental breakdowns which I supported but subsequently caused me a great deal of pain. Shes never had many friends and the few contacts she had she lost through her volatile drunken behaviour as well as a lot of the family which she’s never been able to reconcile.

Since then she’s drank less and less and now been a year sober and is into fitness and wellness. She then came into some money and decided to buy a house in my new town as well as keeping her other house the other side of the country to live between the two.
She said this was so we can be closer and she can see the grandchildren grow up.

In theory this is good as when she is sober we’re close and enjoy each others company. However now it’s happened issues are starting to show.

Shes pretty much latched onto me and the life I’ve built for myself as her ‘social’ life. Shes come to my partners family events and tried to befriend my in-laws.
Shes come to an event hosted by one of my friends.
Shes decided she’s going to spend Christmas up here and with me and my family without asking me just assuming it would be okay. Me and DP have either hosted or been hosted with his family every year and decided this year was just gonna be ‘us’, but she’s railroaded herself into this.

Dont get me wrong she’s the definition of ‘introvert’ so has never been one for friends outside of family and isn’t at mine at everyday or anything but expects to be invited to all events and occasions.

I can’t lie, I feel resentful. This is MY life and my sanctuary that I built when I had nothing. My issues as an adult have all stemmed from her and her drinking growing up. I feel torn. I love her so much but I feel such mixed emotions.

Me and DP booked our first family holiday abroad next year. I told her when she popped over as I was excited and she said ‘oh I’ll come, I don’t have anyone to holiday with’ and I had to say I don’t think it’s a good idea as I don’t think DP would appreciate me just tagging on his mother in-law. My mum then said she’d babysit a couple of nights so we could go out and keep to herself a lot and not expect to go on any days out but would be nice to have someone to sit near the pool by during the day as she’s found her solo holidays lonely.
I again reiterated I don’t think DP would buy it and she didn’t get the hint and so I said I’d ask him but don’t be offended if he says no. She said she wouldn’t be. This was on Friday.

Of course my DP said no. I wouldn’t expect him to ever say yes.

Now I’m going over there this afternoon and I’ve been sick with anxiety all weekend. Feeling guilty and worried she’ll be upset and feel like shit about herself.

I also feel low level anger for her putting me in this situation. Why invite yourself?!
I also have low level anger about a lot of shit from the past and how she’s now overtaking my future.

I was thinking this is the time that whilst I tell her about a no to the holiday I also tell her how I’m feeling and about how we go about the future. But how?!

How on earth do I word so that she understands without badly hurting her? I don’t want her to relapse but I need her to understand fully how the past has really affected me as an adult that I’m still healing from. That I need some boundaries. I just don’t know how to even explain it as it’s all so emotive.

On top of this I just feel so guilty and like a bad daughter. I just don’t know what to do. But I feel sick.

I can understand you wanting to use this as the gateway to a larger discussion about boundaries in general. I don't think it's a terrible idea at all, but you need to think about what you want to say and clearly communicate what you want moving forwards, and firmly stick to what you want in future. Be prepared for the fact she might be very hurt and defensive. Try to be delicate, but don't pussyfoot around your expectations.

You may want to think about seeing a therapist of your own, just to understand your feelings and how to deal with these situations - I think it would be really beneficial for you.

I think giving it as a letter is a good idea. But first verbally say no to the holiday - non negotiable it has been decided by me and DH - then if she remembers one thing it’s that. Then next the letter and bigger conversation.
If you just read out what you have written, I think the message about - no you are not coming on holiday - might get lost in the much bigger important conversation to have about other things and you won’t achieve your primary near term objective.
it sounds really stressful and I have no idea if this will help you or not as I have no experience of it. I hope you can reclaim the peace you have built for yourself before she gatecrashed you.

@Whatthefuckwasthat you’re frightened of her, understandably, she’s been volatile all through your life and as you’ve recognised, you can’t control any of it.

ALL your thoughts and feelings are 100% valid. You have absolutely got the right to feel all of these and more.

boundaries. You need to work towards saying no - and potentially as someone has said, deal with holiday first and the rest afterwards, it’s more manageable for you. Less daunting.

so if you don’t want something, say so. Say ‘I don’t want that to happen’ and stick to it. Don’t ever bow to pressure. Say no, mean no and stay no.

No advice but watching with interest the suggestions you get as my sister, although not as extreme as your mum, is very similar to this. Makes me very anxious and has spoilt a number of special occasions for me.

Why does it catch you off guard?

She clearly does it frequently and you're feeding her!

Stop doing it! Keep it vague

I would start with just the conversation about the holiday, on the grounds that you want some family time alone with just your partner and children, and leave it at that. Then send your longer message saying the conversation about the holiday had brought up a lot of feelings and you want her to read this so that she can understand some things from your perspective.

Your letter is perfect.

You must stay strong and maintain strong boundaries. Your mother has no right to compromise your life in this way; she has not earned the right to be your responsibility. However, you are a generous and good daughter and have allowed her to move close to you, so you need to manage the situation in away which suits you.
Your DH, and obvs DC are your priority, not your mother and if she's getting between you and DH then things must change.
Have you considered doing family therapy with your mother?

I wouldn't read it out. It's too much to take in and it won't go well.

Don't over plan it. Just tell her no, it's family time for you and your DP.

And then tell her you've got anxiety over x y and z and properly talk together. Not at her.

Good luck.

The more reasons you give her, the more she'll try and unpick them and convince you everything will be fine. I'd deal with holiday today and get that resolved (and I agree with "we've decided.." not DH) then have a longer term think about how to tackle wider issues. Agree emailing something much better than discussing in person because then she can digest and respond in her own time. Also means you can refer back to the email in future: "I dealt with this in my email, Mum".

I understand the strong need to justify your feelings and "prove" they are worth listening to. It's been trained in you to prioritise your mother's feelings over your own - you even moved away because you couldn't easily do this with her nearby. But now you have to face it because it's going to impact your new family and wider network if you don't.

Use the holiday as a test to see how she reacts. Don't over explain yourself. It is normal to want a holiday with your partner and children. Boringly normal. What is not normal is inviting yourself along to someone else's holiday. This is not normal at all. Hold onto that, and tell her you don't want her to come. Choose your next conversation about the much bigger issue after you've laid down these boundaries first.

I agree that the message is too long and wordy.

A short "we have decided that it is just the four of us going on holiday" is sufficient. If she kicks back, just repeat as nauseum. Don't make excuses or explain because she will find a "solution".

I disagree with those saying it is too long and detailed - you clearly haven't ever said these things and need to say them for yourself as much as anything, even if she doesn't absorb it all - as long as you're prepared that she might not respond in the way you hope. But I'd take out the phrase 'love having you nearby' because it's not true and feeds into her unilateral decision making about when to foist herself on you. You could change to 'love spending time together' but also explain why you need your own space. Most parents would understand their adult children need some distance.

No to the letter, its too much.
Just say "no Mum you cant't come"
Stop trying to justify yourself

@Bringthejury1

Yes I’ve been thinking about all potential reactions.

One thing she currently is doing on her wellness journey is talking about her ‘truth’.
So shes trying to be honest with people whenever she is hurt/upset as and when it happens rather than bottling it up and then drinking and exploding.

So I was thinking this could be my gateway in to her. Tell her I’m taking her advice of what she’s been doing and telling her ‘my truth’ as this is how I’m feeling and she knows how toxic it can be when it’s bottled up.

I think because it’s factual (the christening and a million other things I’ve not written) she can see what did happen and that there were/are repercussions to those incidents. It doesn’t just ‘go away’ whenever she’s sober.

The thing is, OP, you can perfectly reasonably say no to your Mum coming in family holiday whether or not there is ‘history’.

My Mum was the most supportive, attentive, reliable loving parent anyone could wish for.

I would still have said no to her joining us on our only family holiday.

The thing is.., she wouldn’t have asked. Because she understood that.

What you have put in your statement is an important letter to yourself.

But whatever her drink / personality / chaos history, it is OK to say “No. I need that week to spend time with my DH and children, as our family”.

That is a NORMAL boundary.

I would establish that.

OP you don’t need to manage your mum, she’s not your responsibility. Her feelings are not your responsibility and if she relapses, it will be her fault. Never, ever yours.

FWIW, I have a friend who has a close relative who is a destructive alcoholic. It has never crossed my mind to blame my friend in any way for the alcoholic’s behaviour. I just want to support my friend. Don’t live in fear of what people will think of you because of your mum’s potential behaviour. You can never control that.

Your mum has never been a mum to you, she never will. Telling her your anxieties won’t get her to wake up because she, like all alcoholics, can’t see past the end of her own nose. Sorry. She is leaning on you for support- you don’t need to provide that. It’s not your problem if she has no holiday or places to go. She thinks you’re an extension of her and what’s yours is hers- it’s not.

Have you ever been to Alanon or another support group for the families of alcoholics. Even if Alanon isn't for you one or two meetings might help you see your situation more clearly.
You are the child of an alcoholic. That is not a shameful secret but a fact of life, and as running away hasn't sorted it being honest with people might help.
Even if she has been sober for a year she is still an alcoholic. She might even be a "dry drunk" at present.
You never had the chance to develop healthy boundaries with her. You need to do so now, therapy might help (even phone /online might be able to start the process).

If a random guy in the park started to ask you your plans for the weekend - would you tell him? You would say something non committal if trying to be polite.
Start doing this with her. Start saying No.

@Whatthefuckwasthat you need to just stop "mentioning" any of your plans, full stop!! she is always going to push herself into your company! tell her today that her coming on holiday is unacceptable because you want time with your kids and husband!

@Mamette yes she does think of me as an extension of her. Nail on the head. She thinks what’s mine is there for her taking.

I’ve noticed recently that she’s started talking about ‘we’ a lot.

So I was telling her about a general topic me and DP were divided on and she said ‘DP can’t say that, we have always believed in xyz, so we’re right’
or when discussing a doctor disagreeing with something I’d done she didn’t say ‘you did what you could with the information provided.’ She said ‘WE made the decision because of blah blah blah, we did our best’.

like wtf?! Why is it ‘we’??

It’s so complex.

I’ve had transactional analysis therapy and know that parentification is a real thing for me.

The problem with your plan is you're hoping for a reasonable reaction. But "reasonable" is unlikely, and maybe even impossible for your mum to offer. Your mum is putting her needs above yours, and that's incredibly painful.

I echo PP who said to look into adult children of alcoholics - this is one of their daily meditations about it being OK to set a boundary when you're not being heard.

https://adultchildren.org/meditation/?meditaion=MTcxMg==

Don't even mention the holiday.

If she brings it up just say I thought you were joking. That isn't going to happen.

She can't invite herself to things if you don't let her. Eg. Husband's sister's do. Mum you aren't invited it's just us going.

To be completely honest OP whilst I think you need to have that conversation I’m not entirely sure about your message/script. You need to establish boundaries but I’m not sure what boundary you are establishing aside from asking her to move away again? I think it’s going to be a hurtful conversation for her, so clarity is needed.

you need to be more clear eg we won’t spend every weekend together or we won’t talk everyday or I don’t want you coming over uninvited etc. something manageable if she does live nearby to you. You can’t really direct where she lives or whether she sells her property etc.

I think your husband needs to play his part and maybe ask his family/your in laws to remove her on social media or block her number, if there is a chance she may message them something horrible. He can just say something along the lines of strange messages were sent in past and perhaps allude to it being a hacker or scam she accidentally signed up to. Or just tell them the truth.

ultimately this conversation could trigger a relapse so you may need to anticipate her actions

Definitely stop giving her so much information about your life. Does she have any social life apart from trying to share yours? Does she go regularly to AA groups? That can be a support network in itself and hopefully she would meet friends there.

There's a complicated back story but do you actually need to reference that at all to say no to the holiday?

I would never in a month of Sundays want MIL on my family holiday despite her never having had any alcohol problems. Most people would not. She has occasionally hinted she'd like to be asked and we shut it down. We have been on UK long weekend breaks with her and that is the max I'll ever do. She is on her own and gets lonely but that doesn't mean I have to have my summer holiday ruined which is precious relaxation time to me. She's not even that bad it's just I'd feel I have to look after her and think about her and could not relax.

I would honestly just say that you have decided that you want the holiday to be just you, DH and DD and leave it at that no explanation required. The more explanation you give her the more possibilities for argument.

Then you can decide if you want to give her the letter later on but maybe you don't? Maybe that's more something to discuss in therapy for yourself?

Like any addict your mother is fundamentally very selfish.
You do not like that she moved near you and has appropriated YOUR life.
I think you need to stop focusing on her, her life, her wants and needs.
You are a real credit to yourself with all you have achieved DESPITE your mother and childhood.
You need to tell her nothing about your life and back off.
She is a CF to think she can come on your holiday, inveigl herself into the lives of your in laws.
You need to find your anger.
You need to find your anger, to protect your mental health.
You need serious space.
She is a loose canon in your life and you are 100% entitled to privacy in your life that YOU built.
Find your anger.