My mum is ‘inviting’ herself on my family holiday and taking over my life AIBU?

[Whatthefuckwasthat]

I am sorry if this post seems rambled, I’m currently spiralling.
There’s a huge backstory to this which is why it may not make complete sense.

Growing up my mum was an alcoholic. She had long periods is sobriety and always tried to fight it but would always relapse and go on a bender for several days until she reached rock bottom and the cycle would continue.

When sober she is very loving, kind and thoughtful. She is intelligent, personable and goes out of her way to help people. When drunk is a very different person and has done and said some extreme awful/hurtful things. I have siblings but we are not close.

After university I moved to the other side of the country. Here, entirely from scratch, I built a career and made lots of friends who became my family. I met my DP and we’ve gone on to have 2 kids.

Through this my mum continued to be up and down with alcohol. When she was on the bottle she’d ring me and be volatile and cause chaos within the family back home. Then when she’d sober up she’d resume back to lovely daily phone calls and visits to see me.

When she was on drink I was so happy to have the distance and ‘new life’ I’d created for myself.

From 2017 - 21 she had several mental breakdowns which I supported but subsequently caused me a great deal of pain. Shes never had many friends and the few contacts she had she lost through her volatile drunken behaviour as well as a lot of the family which she’s never been able to reconcile.

Since then she’s drank less and less and now been a year sober and is into fitness and wellness. She then came into some money and decided to buy a house in my new town as well as keeping her other house the other side of the country to live between the two.
She said this was so we can be closer and she can see the grandchildren grow up.

In theory this is good as when she is sober we’re close and enjoy each others company. However now it’s happened issues are starting to show.

Shes pretty much latched onto me and the life I’ve built for myself as her ‘social’ life. Shes come to my partners family events and tried to befriend my in-laws.
Shes come to an event hosted by one of my friends.
Shes decided she’s going to spend Christmas up here and with me and my family without asking me just assuming it would be okay. Me and DP have either hosted or been hosted with his family every year and decided this year was just gonna be ‘us’, but she’s railroaded herself into this.

Dont get me wrong she’s the definition of ‘introvert’ so has never been one for friends outside of family and isn’t at mine at everyday or anything but expects to be invited to all events and occasions.

I can’t lie, I feel resentful. This is MY life and my sanctuary that I built when I had nothing. My issues as an adult have all stemmed from her and her drinking growing up. I feel torn. I love her so much but I feel such mixed emotions.

Me and DP booked our first family holiday abroad next year. I told her when she popped over as I was excited and she said ‘oh I’ll come, I don’t have anyone to holiday with’ and I had to say I don’t think it’s a good idea as I don’t think DP would appreciate me just tagging on his mother in-law. My mum then said she’d babysit a couple of nights so we could go out and keep to herself a lot and not expect to go on any days out but would be nice to have someone to sit near the pool by during the day as she’s found her solo holidays lonely.
I again reiterated I don’t think DP would buy it and she didn’t get the hint and so I said I’d ask him but don’t be offended if he says no. She said she wouldn’t be. This was on Friday.

Of course my DP said no. I wouldn’t expect him to ever say yes.

Now I’m going over there this afternoon and I’ve been sick with anxiety all weekend. Feeling guilty and worried she’ll be upset and feel like shit about herself.

I also feel low level anger for her putting me in this situation. Why invite yourself?!
I also have low level anger about a lot of shit from the past and how she’s now overtaking my future.

I was thinking this is the time that whilst I tell her about a no to the holiday I also tell her how I’m feeling and about how we go about the future. But how?!

How on earth do I word so that she understands without badly hurting her? I don’t want her to relapse but I need her to understand fully how the past has really affected me as an adult that I’m still healing from. That I need some boundaries. I just don’t know how to even explain it as it’s all so emotive.

On top of this I just feel so guilty and like a bad daughter. I just don’t know what to do. But I feel sick.

Sounds like apart from alcoholism, your mum has Main Character Syndrome. She only cares about her truth, not anyone else’s truth. It seems unlikely that that will change. She’s not going to suddenly wake up and be all evolved and respectful of you as a separate entity rather than a satellite of hers.

It sounded like a lot of your own therapy has been in crisis conditions. Would you consider getting back into therapy now (if not currently doing any), maybe even with a different therapist, to work purely on setting boundaries and your own “truth”?

if you need someone to blame for things, at least temporarily till you can own your decisions for yourself, you can cite your therapist instead of your partner.

Best of luck though, you’ve had lots of good suggestions on here.

"The holiday is a definite no. I love my MIL, but I wouldn't want her on our holiday and DP doesn't want his. <if necessary > Please dont cause trouble between us "

Remember the wise saying "We end up causing a war inside US, to preserve the peace for THEM".

Step away from your mother, protect your peace NOT hers.

You put your boundaries in place and be firm. Say “no sorry but not possible” and keep repeating, I’ve had to do the same with my mother. Keep repeating until she gets the message.

I wouldn’t say anything about the past as she will most likely to try emotional blackmail.

You are a good daughter for putting up with her shit and still keeping in touch.

agree with all PPs about firm "no's"

Do you have time to find social /hobby things that she might enjoy on her own, possibly with people her own age, maybe going along with her for he first visit?

Practice saying- no, that doesn’t work for us.

You are not a bad daughter and now that you are a mother you need to put your children first. They, and you, have a good family. Both you and DP need to firm and stand up to her. Her social life is not your responsibility.

I think you just need to get a back bone and say no,

I don’t know if she’ll read your message OP. Whenever I’ve tried to do something similar my mum will tell me that she just deletes my messages without reading them. She’ll just shut out that sort of honesty because her self image is fragile and without that image I think her brain would explode.

I don’t think you’ve talked about her reaction to you maintaining boundaries. If you’re anxious then I imagine she usually manipulates and gaslights. My mum is a covert narc but I’ve only just worked it out and I’m 51. My armchair diagnosis of your mother would be EUPD and I’ll no doubt get told off for saying that but i think it would help you to do some research and perhaps go to the Stately Homes thread. I think it’s so so important to educate yourself on personality disorders….it’s hard enough to cope with these people even if you know all their tactics so without that knowledge you’re very vulnerable.

I live with my mother and I recognise the anxiety of having to enforce boundaries….it’s so so difficult when they guilt trip you. I’ve got the problem of trying to navigate the power dynamics while living in her house…how does one maintain firm boundaries with someone they’re beholden to? But you’re not in that situation and you don’t owe your mother anything. She’s inviting herself rather than asking so that you can’t say no….it’s something my mum does all the time.

You wrote this @Whatthefuckwasthat "Shes decided she’s going to spend Christmas up here and with me and my family without asking me just assuming it would be okay. Me and DP have either hosted or been hosted with his family every year and decided this year was just gonna be ‘us’, but she’s railroaded herself into this."

She has railroaded herself because YOU ALLOW IT.
Stop allowing it.
First step is to put her on an information diet where she is told ONLY what she absolutely needs to know. Stop telling her you're going on holiday or doing things with your friends and social group. She is a grown woman and can start to make her own friendship grouping herself. She will have to.

You have to put a stop to her tagging her along. She won't do it until you put a stop to it. It's going to be hard having that initial conversation with her but you have to have it.

Tell her that she isn't invited to join you on your holiday. It's a holiday for you and your DH and your kids ONLY.
Tell her that she isn't invited to join you for Christmas. Jesus, it's 7 months away and she's already planning that far ahead to just land herself on you or your inlaws. How cheeky of her.
Tell her that if she continues doing this, you will have to seriously curtail the frequency of your visits and also cut back significantly on her involvement in your family life.

Simpler.
"No. I love you but I dont trust you ( with that)"
Slightly longer.
"I love you but I quite reasonably dont trust you enough to let you do that.
If you'd like to discuss changing how much access you have to my life / relationships etc then Im open to discussion on how we might move forward but only with an impartial arbiter, such as a therapist, present. But until we do that and have an agreed set of boundaries in place, which work for both of us, I am not going to trust you further or let you into my life any further than our simple one to one relationship "

I'd like to add to my post, don't feel guilty or try to sugar coat the issue - she certainly isn't doing that and doesn't mind if she is causing you hurt or possibly doing damage to your relationship with your DH because he is having to have her around even though he may not (probably doesn't) want her there.

It's one thing being a grandparent and arranging to see your grandkids on a regular basis. It's a whole other ball game foisting yourself on your kids and grandkids whether they want you there or not and this is what she is doing.

Be brave. It's like ripping off a plaster. It may sting at the beginning but you have to see this as a means to an end.

Great post. Self-preservation must prevail OP, for your own sake and that of your family. Boundaries boundaries boundaries. She will likely kick off/cry/argue/try and manipulate as that is always the initial response to new boundaries being introduced in a relationship with this dynamic. If you can remain calm but firm in your resolve she will eventually accept and come to terms with it. But it will take time. Therapy will help you to manage and process the feelings of guilt and sadness that accompany this process, but honestly once you are out the other side your quality of life and mental well being will have improved significantly.

Also, you don’t have to go to great lengths to justify anything here and if you do that will likely backfire anyway. Keep it short, simple, to the point. Get used to calmly repeating your boundaries and then walking away from the interaction if it becomes unpleasant, emotionally manipulative or aggressive. Rinse and repeat.

Based on this post - you need to stop telling her the things you're getting up to, yes, that includes going to the shops because if she thinks you're having a boring life, she won't want to be part of it. She is joining your family (in-laws and all) because you keep sharing stuff with her and she inserts herself into those plans.
You'll need to be firm but you can still be kind.
If she was never an alcoholic that wouldn't even be a factor in what you'd be doing to stop these repeat situations.

I think I remember you posting a few years ago about her but you need to be assertive and firm but you don't have to be mean or rude while enforcing your boundaries. I am not a fan of this analogy but if you treat her like a toddler who is naughty, there are repercussions such as the naughty step or time outs or whatever - start using that sort of consequence for her behaviour. Good behaviour gets to see you (under your conditions) but her trampling over your boundaries gets her nothing - you pull right back.

She is obviously lonely - which is NOT your fault or your problem to fix

My Mum latched on to my social life for a while - she would invite herself to my husband family events etc - and then spend the whole time slagging everyone off and moaning to leave. This went on for a few months before I started just not telling her our plans

NOwadays i wouldnt mention about the holiday - it does mean you share less and less of yourself with her

I'm with others who say you shouldn't have played good cop/bad cop and made it out to be your DP's decision about the holiday. You should have said 'no' yourself. Now she's going to think that you wanted her to come and he said no, so he's the bad guy.

In other areas, well if you don't tell her about things, then she won't be able to turn up, will she? You will have to learn to be much more non-committal about what you are doing. If she doesn't know, she can't invite herself.

The other thing that might make your life easier is if you take control and decide to invite her to specific things, on a date and time of your choosing.

I think that's too long. She is responsible for herself and you are responsible for keeping yourself and your family safe from her.

You don't need to be nasty but you can be firm and clean. 'No Mum, it's not going to work, please listen.' You don't have to take her calls or visits if she's trampling all over your boundaries.

"So when she is sober it is so difficult to talk to her about the things she’s said and done when she is drunk. It would be much easier if she were similarly nasty or a certain way when drunk/sober. "

She is only one person though. The 'sober' version of her needs to take responsibility for the drunk version. Because it's the sober version that decides to drink knowing the chaos it causes.

I agree you need to minimise her effect on your life by making it clear that she needs to join group holidays or make friends to holiday with. She can't just piggy back on your life.

[also adult children, I go to things I'm invited to]

Information diet, stop telling her your plans and if she does hear, you tell her she’s not invited. Who takes their mother to everything? It’s not the norm except in very enmeshed families.

YABU for making DH be the bad cop. You’re letting your mum think that you’d be ok with it if he is too.

also YABU for writing such a long essay. Simply say it how it is - mum, we love having you along to some things, but others we need just for us. We will of course invite you to things but we need time for ourselves as a family, including holidays.

About her inviting herself to the things that you are doing (either as your own family or with your friends)

Her: what are plans this weekend?
Me: oh my friend Louise is in a show at the local theatre I’m going to see Saturday.
Her: oh I love the theatre! What time? I’ll get some tickets.
YOU: Well you're welcome to get tickets but I'm not bringing you and this wasn't an invite for you to come with me. Of course you are free to go to whatever theatre events you wish, but by yourself though.

or

me: I need to leave soon before the shop shuts
her: buying anything nice?
me: It’s DPs sister birthday this weekend. So I said I’d make a salad and cake for the bbq so I better get going.
Her: oh on Saturday? I can do with some socialising actually. Tell her I’ll bring some kebabs.
YOU: Unfortunately you're not invited to this event. It's SiL's friends only and I'm only going as DH's wife so you can't come.
or
YOU: Oh, I'm just dropping the food off - I'm not staying. I just said that I'd make salad and a cake for them. So if I'm not going, you are certainly not going.
(Then on the day, you can say that they invited you in for a few minutes and time got away from you)

Or simply "I'm sorry mum, you can't come, you're not invited"

‘It’s our first ever holiday overseas and we will be going on our own this time, as we are looking forward to spending some time together’

And stick to it.

Follow up with

‘We already have plans for Christmas so maybe we can see you on x,y and z instead? Which one works for you’

You have to get a grip op. She is using you and you are rightly very wary given the history. You are not her mother, she will have to make other plans.

When she guilts you simply acknowledge

I can hear you are disappointed/upset/ Mum. And don’t budge an inch. It’s your life not hers.

And stop telling her your plans. Just be vague and busy, you are sharing too much.

I have had to also put things in place to protect myself from my family. I live hundreds of miles away from all of them as I could not cope when I was nearer.

You need to say no to holiday and no to everything else. You need boundaries in place so for example you see your mum say once a week for a cup of tea and a chat and that’s it. If she tries to invite herself to anything you make it clear that she is not included, for example it’s SIL’s birthday and it’s invites or her family only. That sort of thing.

The one thing that might help the most is to not go into too much detail or tell her anything until after you have done something. So you can then chat about it but she cannot ruin it in some way.

I have had to set these sorts of boundaries so I know it’s so hard and mine are just so I can survive the phone calls. I still end up in tears after many of them with my mum but I have limited them to two short calls a week and chat about things after I have done them. In my case I’m NC with siblings so if the conversation turns in that direction I end the phone call as soon as possible. Things still slip through and upset me though. Currently I have a big birthday coming up and as my family won’t ever visit me or include me I have saved up for a few years for something for my garden/hobby. I’ve mentioned it after I bought and ordered it as my partner and I have been assembling it and then things still got twisted so that even though I’ve saved up and it’s my present to myself as I don’t expect to get anything as didn’t at Christmas that she’s now sending me money towards the item so she doesn’t have to get me an actual gift. I’ve said thank you in advance if you decide to send me money and been polite but it has taken the shine off of it for me as it’s my present to myself and a project for myself and my partner to do together.

Sorry I don’t have any better advice to give but I know how it feels.

I bet your friends and DP's family are saying "I wish @Whatthefuckwasthat would stop bringing her tiresome mum along when she hasn't been invited".

I agree with what everyone else has posted except Christmas. If you spend every Christmas with your DP's family couldn't you find it in yourself to have your mum over every other Christmas?