To be a bit upset that my mum doesn't know who inherits the house?

[chillyolives]

My mum is 55. My step dad is 44 (don't call him that, to me he's my real dad)

Anyway, I asked her casually what happens to the house if she and my dad were to die.

She said it's being left to the kids. So assuming me, and my 3 technically half siblings

I said, is she sure I would even get something since I am probably not named as one of the kids, as I'm not my dads biological etc etc

She said really absent mindedly 'oh I don't know actually, I'm sure you are included surely'

And then changed the subject.

Does anyone know if I would actually get a share of the house or not?

My mum is a lovely, lovely woman but has raging ADHD and avoids any direct, pressing issues she'd aerially have to go and find out via a 3 step process of more etc

So it's not that she's avoiding the truth on purpose, I'm sure.

My dad is a man of few words. To everyone. And I feel too awkward asking him

Completely agree. Also amazed about the disingenuousness of all those saying they don't care about potentially inheriting a quarter share of a house. That's a useful sum of money for most of us. Many of those slamming her for being greedy seem to be suggesting that if they found themselves in a similar position and ended up inheriting nothing from their parents after decades of being ignored by one half of the extended family, while their siblings shared the inheritance, they'd be absolutely fine about it. Really? I wouldn't.

I think that your demand avoidant mum will not surprise you by doing something sensible, you are right to be wary, OP.

No inheritance will not mean you are not worthy, or unlovable or all the negative things, it's that Mum is hopeless at stuff, sticks her head in the sand.

You have been told several times to look up the rules of intestacy. My understanding if you are in England, is if someone dies without a will their spouse gets something like the first £350,000 ( too lazy to look it up) then biological ( or adopted) kids get half of subsequent money and spouse gets other half. A step child could challenge if they could prove they were dependent on deceased. Given your age you wouldn’t be successful in this.
If there is not a will and your mother dies first it will be your stepdad who inherits up to a certain level then your half siblings; you will get nothing. If he dies first, when your mother dies you will be entitled to an equal share with your half siblings.
We are transparent in our family, my share between both my sons and younger son inherits his father’s share.
I think anybody, especially those with health problems and young children should have wills and guardians set up.
Do you want to raise your half siblings in the event of their parents’ deaths, if so a conversation needs to be had or your stepdad’s siblings etc could step forward.
The law is only interested in facts not whether your stepdad calls you a daughter.

I think if your parents have mirror wills, you'll be included. If not, the question is whether your mum or dad dies first and how clear his will is saying children or naming you.

Of course it is. This isn't about money-although that helps with life but about regard.

Hmm. There is no getting past the fact that people equate money with love. You can try not to but it's there. I read a true account of children who received an inheritance. One child got much less because she was financially better off. She was devastated. On one level because it felt as though she was loved less and on another because she's worked and saved and a sibling was feckless so in need of more help. These are not my thoughts, I am merely quoting. There is nothing like a will for creating resentment.

Not comparable to the OP's situation, I assume. She is concerned about her mother and stepfather not having made wills, and even if they have, possibly not having worded the wills to take into account the fact that she is her father's stepdaughter, not biological daughter, which makes a difference legally. Seems perfectly reasonable to me. There are any number of threads on MN every week which show that most people have a very shaky grasp of the law and a great many people find it next door to impossible to discuss difficult subjects, so just stick their heads in the sand and hope it will all go away. It doesn't, and that often leaves their nearest and so called dearest having to deal with a mess later on. Far better to find a tactful way to raise the subject and get it properly sorted out now, while it's still possible. Talking about guardianship and power of attorney is a very good way in, as mentioned by several people already.

My parents made new wills some years ago and told me exactly what was in them because they wanted me to act as executor and they also wanted to get power of attorney drawn up, naming me as the attorney. If we'd had a complicated family set up I'd have been keen to make sure that was all reflected in the wording.

Depends on who owns the house and what is written in their wills.

All those who are saying you should keep out of it, none of your business etc, I can only imagine you’ve never had to take a deceased parents estate through probate. Of course you should know the details in advance of the parent dying. What a fucking nightmare if they die and you dont know what they own and where the will is. Could Cost you a fortune in solicitors fees.

I'd be hurt too in your position @chillyolives if my half siblings inherited everything. I presume you grew up with them as a blended family.
How long was it just you, your Mum and stepdad ?
Your Mum really should make a will.
Sad that your young stepdad is drinking his life away.

I think that given your siblings are very young it’s more important that a will is made. Also, perhaps an easier way of opening the conversation with your stepdad. The issues for them are who is appointed guardian and whether they should receive any inheritance at 18y or if it should be kept until they are 21 or 25 say.

If their health is bad, then Powers of Attorney (medical & legal) are also important to put in place.

I think the only relevant question here to both your mum and your 'dad' is "Have you each made a will?" If the answer is yes, then whatever they have specified in their will is what they want to happen. If the answer is no, then what they would like to happen may not be what actually happens. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask either of them if they have made a will (and where it is stored, in case anything should happen).

OP, I think you are getting a very unfair time here.

All this extremist 'it's none of your business stuff' is rubbish. No, you are not entitled to inheritance, but yes, it is very understandably an emotional issue if there is inequity between children.

I think that as the adult, who will have to provide for your siblings, administer everything administratively, and possibly delay accessing your state of wealth for the sake of your sibling's stability, if your parents die, it's absolute madness for you not to know the details of their wishes. While at their age, this wouldn't normally be something to worry about, it makes sense to worry if their health is already poor and they tend to be disorganised about these things.

I will say though, that money is not the same as love. There is an argument that if the house was bought with your dad's money - made by him before he met you, and his other kids are younger, more vulnerable, in more need, then it would make sense for them to be left more. But this should be thought through and ideally explained to you, if that were the decision... .

Interesting there's another thread where everyone is telling the OP grandchildren should be treated all the same and here OP is being called grabby and being told she's not entitled to anything. It seems though what she actually wants is to know after the shitty way her Dad's (step) family have treated her is that she is valued just as much as her siblings. Im sorry you're getting a kicking OP. I do think a PPs suggestion of counselling might be more useful to you in the long run. Ultimately the only thing you can control is your own actions and the only things you can change are those directly under you control like getting counselling to help you process how you've been treated and move forward.

eta: if you want to know legally what would happen if your Dad died last and without a will there are a couple of knowledgeable posters in the legal section who might be able to tell you how intestate rules work with relation to step children.

Even if they told you, it might not necessarily happen.

My friend was always told by her (incredibly wealthy) DF that her stepmother would have a life interest in their house, plus enough to live on, but that friend and her brother would get a chunk of his money and, on stepmother's death, the property would be sold and the proceeds split equally between them and their half-sibling.

When he died, everything, every penny, went to the stepmother. He had made a new will when they sold the house and never mentioned it. Friend and her DB weren't mentioned in the will at all, it was as though they didn't exist. Total value of the estate was over £10m.

Indeed

And its their house, their choice

I would have never have dreamt of asking

My mum did very young and dad remaiired, I too have half siblings three of them - dad talked about his Will often - I, my siblings were not interested - we told him to look after his new family as half siblings younger then my kids - day wanted to leave us (this is 20 years ago) about 70k each - we all said not thanks - he left us a plot of land in our motherland - that is still in our step-mums name and we don't care

Sorry but threads like this make me cringe

While it's rather early to be considering future inheritances, the OP does have a point & it's quite a brutal one.
It happens with depressing frequency that children from the 1st family receive nothing if their biological parent has remarried then dies first.

The OP is a result of her DM's 1st marriage & her 1st spouse.
With the DM's 2nd marriage, more children have been born with her 2nd spouse.
The 2nd marriage couple do mirror wills.
The OP's DM dies & everything the DM has passes to the 2nd spouse. This could include money inherited from 1st family relations.

The 2nd spouse then changes their Will leaving everything to their biological children or family & nothing to the children of the 1st marriage.

Likewise if the OP's DM dies without a will specifying leaving things to the OP, everything from the DM will automatically pass to the OP's stepfather.
If he doesn't leave a will then on death everything will go to the stepfather's biological children.
The OP is only linked to him by her DM's 2nd marriage so will receive nothing even though there could be some of her DM's assets in there.

There might not even be any inheritance to have, all spent on retirement & cars!

However as we see in many threads, wills mean much more than money, they can be emotionally damaging, children feeling that their parent doesn't love them.

With a stepparent's lack of integrity, children of the 1st marriage are left discovering that any relationship with their stepparent doesn't mean shit even if they viewed them as a parent.
It might even seem to them that their own parent didn't care enough to consider them either.

It happens with monotonous regularity, we see it on here all the time.
Whilst we can say the OP is being grabby & it's way too early to be talking about wills, she could be left in the future situation that feels like no-one cares about her.

I really don't understand some posters' coyness about wills.

DS1 asked me just yesterday if I had a Will (for context he's 28 and I'm 55, so hoping not to shuffle off this mortal coil for a good number of years). DS2 was also there.

I just said yes, I do, and everything in my estate is left equally to him and his brother (they're actually half brothers). Although obviously it might be needed for my care in old age.

It's just paperwork to me (after all, I'll be dead) but potentially extremely emotive to those left behind. Why not set their minds at rest now?

Straightforward and sensible. What a contrast to the person earlier who said if one of her children asked her about her will the will would be re-written to leave that child's share to a hedgehog sancturary.

I have had very open conversations with my children about my will and have encouraged them to ask me questions and tell me what matters to them. I want them to know that I have thought about what happens when I die, that I have protected the assets that I feel are morally theirs (money I inherited myself that I want to hand on) and that I will treat them equally.

If you’re still there OP - I’m step mum to a dd who is significantly older than her siblings, and I will make sure she gets an equal share in the will because otherwise I worry that she will feel that she was less valued and loved by us. I completely understand that you may feel this to be a way that your parents can express their love of you in the difficult family dynamic you describe. Have you also thought about what you will do for your siblings if the worst happens? I hope my step daughter would still be a significant part of my children’s lives if something happened to me and their dad - might be something to talk through with your DM?

I know it's hard but, for peace of mind at least, I would bring it up with your dad.

I have no rights giving this advice really as I'm in a similar situation and haven't yet plucked up the courage. My mum and her husband don't own a house, but my mum was left a significant amount by her dad (my lovely grandad) who couldn't stand her husband. My mum has no will so if she goes first I believe that all of her father's money essentially will go to the husband he detested (with good reason) and then onto his own children. So my brother and I will be effectively cut out.

Really? We talked with my mum quite a lot about her will, seemed normal to all of us (including my mum, who brought the subject up herself on several occasions). In fact we were all privy to the contents via a copy. My kids already know they’re getting left everything of mine (such as it is) and an equal percentage of their dad’s (he has other kids). Why would any of this be taboo?

Sorry but I have to disagree. If you have children of your own surely you would want them to inherit something?
Yes their money may be all used up in care home fees; but if they own an average price house this is statistically likely.
DH and I recently made our wills and went through them with our adult DC’s so they know what is happening.
I find this secrecy around money strange; when not just discuss in a matter of fact way?

Yep. Our kids are only teens but we’ve already told them everything will be equally split between them.
Our parents have also told us they plan to split everything equally, even where there are blended families involved (in this situation, a payment of inheritance has already been made to ‘first family’ so that step siblings wouldn’t indirectly inherit from a family they weren’t part of, quite rightly).

You need to ask. Particularly as your mum thinks you are included and obviously intends you to be.