To be a bit upset that my mum doesn't know who inherits the house?

[chillyolives]

My mum is 55. My step dad is 44 (don't call him that, to me he's my real dad)

Anyway, I asked her casually what happens to the house if she and my dad were to die.

She said it's being left to the kids. So assuming me, and my 3 technically half siblings

I said, is she sure I would even get something since I am probably not named as one of the kids, as I'm not my dads biological etc etc

She said really absent mindedly 'oh I don't know actually, I'm sure you are included surely'

And then changed the subject.

Does anyone know if I would actually get a share of the house or not?

My mum is a lovely, lovely woman but has raging ADHD and avoids any direct, pressing issues she'd aerially have to go and find out via a 3 step process of more etc

So it's not that she's avoiding the truth on purpose, I'm sure.

My dad is a man of few words. To everyone. And I feel too awkward asking him

@chillyolives there are some truly nasty individuals who frequent mumsnet, added to the fact they have willfully poor comprehension of what you have said...

The same people essentially telling you you to get over reoeatedly being called a step child (especially after your dad asked them not to) are probably the same people who would be furious if the very same happened to their little darlings.

There are a lot of grabby threads on here so I think many just blindly pile on.

Hope you sort it 💐

If my child had asked me that when I was only 55 I'd have told them they'd find out when I died. You sound very grabby OP.

Why does that matter?
People can pass away at any age
I'm 50. I've had a will for years. Updated it a few years ago and made sure that the people included in it all know about it and where it is.
It's sensible

My family is open like yours
My stepdad who has raised me has written his will to include me as I'm an only child and I'm not biologically his
I must admit I've not asked about wills but have discussed everything with both him and my mum

Given what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like either of them would have made wills. So I would look up the rules on intestacy.

Maybe suggest to them it would be a good idea to make one. I know I need to do this too and nearly your Mum’s age!

Where’s your biological father in this? Could he be contributing to your feelings of abandonment? Are you likely to get inheritance from him to even things out a bit?

my parents remarried when I was 6/7 and I was always referred to as a step child, which made perfect sense to me. I didn’t realise some would find that offensive! But I guess the difference is both my parents were still in my life?

Because maybe they believe its better to be open about the situation. I wasn't there. I don't know what other things they did to be hurtful so I am sorry for the hurt they caused. I also don't know the context of them referring to you as a stepchild. But it isn't hurtful in itself to call a child who is a step child a stepchild.

You should ask your mum/stepdad to ensure that she’s put you as guardian in her will to avoid the kids going to other members of the family if they are likely to fight for that.

At the same time you could ask them to consider the fact that should mum die first, then step dad will inherit. Unless he makes a will splitting it equally between all you kids and name you as well, it will automatically go to his kids and not you. Say obviously it’s up to them as to what their wishes are, but it’s important they consider this at the same time as addressing the guardianship issue.

You could also ask them if they want to do power of attorney, so that when they are ill there is someone advocating for them and it’s all easy. Google this if you aren’t sure what this is, op.

All this should be a general discussion. You can’t put pressure on them or you will appear grabby. But it’s an important conversation that sensible people have and needs to be considered. Mostly when they are older but given their health issues, it might not be a bad idea to discus’s now. If they seem resistant, back off though. They are still young. Our family is very open about this sort of thing. Peoples responses on here, show that many people aren’t.

I think a “Have you considered….” approach is best, with no pressure.

In a mental health unit for the last 20 or so years with severe schizophrenia. Don't see him. Don't think of him etc

Anyway, I'm not sure why that's relevant about you being called a step child. That wasn't what was being said - I know I am of course legally a step child. The conversation was about my step dad's family calling me a step daughter, repeatedly in front of us, when explicitly told not to do this by him

They could try and challenge the will but children don’t have a legal right to any of the assets if they’re not left anything in the will. People can choose not to leave anything to their children and unless there were circumstances such as not being of sound mind or being under undue pressure in writing their will, it’s quite possible the children wouldn’t win the challenge. And I was answering the op who seemed to assume she would automatically have a right to inherit just because she was a child of the deceased (which she would in some countries but not here).

Exactly. I got a will when I bought a house with my now husband to make sure the step kids would be looked after if I died

Ignore the PPs who say you shouldn't be interested in this. Of course you should! Inheritance shouldn't be a secret - talking now will save any surprises down the line, whatever your parents have chosen. Preparing for the future doesn't make you entitled fgs!

Could you maybe bring it up with your mum and dad in a "I'm not adopted" way so you wonder if that has any legal implications. Maybe share a "story of a friend" in a similar situation or something?

I feel for you. It's horrible not knowing where you stand. I had a similar experience and after the person sadly passed there was some ill feeling because things hadn't been clearly written in a will. Family relationships that I'd thought were good, suddenly changed.

im not sure I fully understand your OP, OP. Your mother was incredibly vague. When she said ‘I’m sure you are’, is it even clear whether there actually is a will? Surely she would remember whether or not she had made a will? Or does ‘I’m sure’ mean ‘your stepdad probably made one’? If so, given that you say he’s always treated you like his own child, surely you’ll be included in his will? Why would you think otherwise?

If you do want to discuss it OP I'd write your own will and power of attorney and then ask them to make sure they have theirs and let discussion go from there

I’m not sure what you want us to say. You either deal with the awkwardness now or deal with the pain when they’re both gone. Given their poor health and your mums ADHD, would talk to them both about their plans for their minor children. Where would they go, who would look after them?

OP, his family are clearly horrible people. But you not being his biological child could be relevant depending on how the will is worded.

e.g. if it says “I leave everything to my children,” and then names you all, there will be no issue. If it just says “I leave everything to my children,” but with no stipulations, then only his biological children will inherit.

There might not be a will, alcoholics are not famous for their planning and as you say your mother is avoidant. How about on a Sunday afternoon when your stepdad is mellow with drink, you have a chat with him keeping it light, just find out if there actually is a will.
The second step would be , not the same conversation, to ask them if they have guardians for the youngest siblings should the worst happen to protect them. You can have these conversations without talking about feeling left out and maybe see where the land lies.
It’s horrible being ‘other’ in your own family. My first stepmother always went on about how she treated us all as equal and how much she loved us even though my memories of her from when I was little were not particularly pleasant. When she died all her money when to her own three children, which was fine except her own children always go all misty eyed about how much she loved us. My second stepmother, who inherited my father’s estate, left half to her own child from a previous relationship and divided the other half between my sisters and I.
I don’t think anyone ever spoke about wills and death so you may not get anywhere.

I have half siblings and would never in a million years expect their grandparents to consider me their grandchild.

If you don’t want anything financial, just say to your parents that you don’t want part of the house left to you and to leave it to your siblings. Is there a sentimental item in the house you would like, could you say, ‘I’d really like that snow globe as a memento’, she may even give it to you early. Then you will have something to remember her by and you won’t be caught up in a financial gift you don’t want.

I think when there are step/half siblings involved it’s very important…if OP’s mum predeceases her husband with no will, her husband will inherit all, with the potential for OP to get nothing, and half siblings will inherit all from their dad, as although he is “socially” OP’s dad, in terms of inheritance, she’s not related to him

@Bobloblaw84 that's the thing. Even as a little girl, I never expected to be treated as a real grandchild. That wasn't the argument though

Again, the argument was that he called me his daughter and I called n dad. This was not respected. And they repeatedly made a point of calling me 'his step daughter' in front of both of us multiple times. Ignoring instructions not to do that.

It doesn't take that much of a brain to know why you'd just respect the man's wishes on that

Lol you sound surprised that most of the replies are harsh, I get why though because it's not like most of the posters start making up scenarios out of nowhere and then all of a sudden they become fact and the OP is made out to be the worst person on the planet is it? It's high horse syndrome and there is no cure

There are so many variables. How the property is registered, its value, outstanding mortgage arrangements, whether there are any valid wills, where in UK you are as rules differ, which of dm and sd dies first, if they then write a will and so on. For example, theoretically if dm died first , property could pass to sd and then only to his dc on his death under intestacy rules in England. Most people under pension age do not consider this though , so the vagueness may be part of that rather than indifference.

I think what the OP us trying to say is that they'd want her to have share of the house but chances are no-one has given it much thought so it might go to her siblings.

This is probably less about money but not wanting to be excluded as a non biological child of her dad.

I'm not sure why everyone is so tetchy about the contents of their will, people should have these conversations, maybe if they did there would be less estrangement and conflict over wills.

My parents have always discussed theirs with us, not the amount but how it will be divided. I'll be open with my kids too.

That happens when there is no will and the estate is worth over a certain amount - the spouse inherits the first 300k-ish then the remainder is divided between the spouse and the children.