To be a bit upset that my mum doesn't know who inherits the house?

[chillyolives]

My mum is 55. My step dad is 44 (don't call him that, to me he's my real dad)

Anyway, I asked her casually what happens to the house if she and my dad were to die.

She said it's being left to the kids. So assuming me, and my 3 technically half siblings

I said, is she sure I would even get something since I am probably not named as one of the kids, as I'm not my dads biological etc etc

She said really absent mindedly 'oh I don't know actually, I'm sure you are included surely'

And then changed the subject.

Does anyone know if I would actually get a share of the house or not?

My mum is a lovely, lovely woman but has raging ADHD and avoids any direct, pressing issues she'd aerially have to go and find out via a 3 step process of more etc

So it's not that she's avoiding the truth on purpose, I'm sure.

My dad is a man of few words. To everyone. And I feel too awkward asking him

Have you ever experienced loss where you are expected to sort through things with no knowledge......because of course having those discussions is greedy and grubby right ...

You can die any age
If you have children/a house.... no age is too young to ask

Fantastic idea!

I really don’t understand this view that it’s none of your business what’s in your parents’ will. Perhaps you are all financially secure and have the luxury of not needing to know.

I know what my mum’s will says and she talks about it because she wants to know I won’t be homeless. Obviously that could still happen. My own DC know that I have life insurance and where the policies are because I want them to feel secure financially. Maybe I watch too many Jane Austen films!

I know the OP’s motivation isn’t financial security but if it was, everyone would be saying the same thing.

I didn’t ’waffle on’ about leaving your siblings homeless. I pointed out what could be a very real scenario that you didn’t seem to have thought about.
It’s just so tasteless to be discussing who gets what when your parent dies, especially when said parent is so young!

It’s a tricky one. I don’t think you’re rude to ask your Mum about her will. I’ve asked my parents but theirs is less complicated as there are no stepchildren. But my DH is executor.

Firstly at 44, he may not even have a will, but if he’s as unwell as you say, he really needs to get this stuff in order. Next time he talks about his health or a hospital appointment I would ask ‘Dad who is executor of your will?’ If he hasn’t got one you need to sort it, it’s very complicated as even if he does split it evenly between you and the other children, they’re are children, surely the money will need to go in a trust, offer to be executor as your Mum couldn’t deal with it.

You need to be open and honest, but at 44 he may not have even considered all this.

Can you explain what’s so offensive about asking, or knowing?

For me, it's because it's their money and their house. I just don't think it's any of my business what my parents are going to do with their money.

I'd expect them to talk to me if they wanted me to care for younger siblings because I don't think that should be something a person is expected to do without a discussion about money.

I wouldn't say to my parents that I didn't think they spend their money on holidays or anything else. As far as I'm concerned they have raised me and my siblings, made sure we had everything that they wanted and needed and that's where my involvement with their money ended.

I also would be startled if my adult daughter asked me at the age of 55 what was happening to my house when I and my 44 year old husband died.

But you ARE his stepfather. Are you saying there’s something wrong with that? It’s not an insult you know.

I am going to buck the trend here.

My mum and dad and my in-laws have both talked to us as a family about their wills and wishes. In neither case instigated but us - with both have siblings and they have been spoken to as well, because they wanted us to be aware of their wishes and plans and so they could do all we could to make things easier when the time comes that they aren’t with us.

In turn our children are too aware of our wishes - not necessarily specifics but things like what we want to happen to the house / to specific items etc.

I’m sorry you are in this position OP and can’t help with an answer but you definitely aren’t wrong to think it’s useful to know what your mum and dad want - and also to try to make sure they understand that if they want some to happen specifically with their house / money etc then they need to legally make sure it’s sorted.

I can’t understand why people are saying it’s not right to know - how do you know what your parents want, are you just going to guess what to do if they haven’t made a will or it isn’t clear ?

Hope you manage to get it sorted OP.

Op you are not going to win here. Mumsnet manages to hold opposite viewpoints simultaneously.

They recognise your inheritance is yours to do with as you please whilst also recognising that younger people are absolutely fucked financially unless the older generation releases some funds downwards to help younger people get on the ladder.

They also recognise that blended families are incredibly hard to make work and step children are at a huge disadvantage while also berating step children for assuming the role of the natal child.

They also like to attack step mothers for not seeing their husband’s children as their own until such a time that they overstep by treating the step child as they’re own and are whipped back behind the line as the biological mother takes precedence.

Why do people think you have to be old to die? You don't. Young people die all the time from all sorts of illness and disease to accidents.

We know the contents of FIL's will as it is a mirror will of MIL and she died 10 years ago aged 62. My Mum died, also aged 62. Our own children know that the house and everything we own is going to them both are now adults but they did get a say in who they wanted to live with if both of us died when they were younger.

I take it you don't have any stepchildren in the mix. That's what makes this tricky. Every year on MN there are several threads asking for advice, or just venting, and they all go something like this:

My Mum died many years ago. My Dad married again last year. My stepmother moved in with him to what had been our family home, which Mum and Dad bought together. The mortgage was paid off from the life insurance Dad got when Mum died. Now my Dad has died. We have just found out that Dad never made a will and his old will is not valid now because of the remarriage. Our stepmother will inherit the house and all his savings. We will get nothing. I can't believe it. My Mum would be so upset to know this is how things have turned out.

Would it have been unreasonable for my fictional OP to ask her Dad if he'd made a new will after his marriage? I'd say not.

This. My DC know what’s in our will and who would look after them if we weren’t here to do that.

If your mum has not made a will and she dies first, in my jurisdiction, her spouse alone is likely to inherit, especially if they are joint tenants or if the house is community property. Her spouse can then leave the house to the persons of his choice in his will. If he dies without making a will, you will be unlikely to inherit, because you are not one of his heirs. If he dies first, same situation in reverse, with the step sibs potentially getting nothing. The whole thing would spend years in probate and much of value of any assets will be dissipated in fees and taxes. I think it is perfectly reasonable to be concerned about this situation, because it is unlikely to reflect your mom's wishes.

Crazy not having a will when you are in poor health and have 3 children under 11. Even if you aren’t in poor health then you need to do something about it.

I have lived through this. It messes you up.

Would it have been unreasonable for my fictional OP to ask her Dad if he'd made a new will after his marriage? I'd say not.

It's not something I would do.

That's what marriage is. They have decided to join their lives and finances together. I think it's up to the person getting married to decide what they do with their money. I would not want my father to marry someone who he cared so little for that he wanted to lose their home if he died.

And I think in the OP's case the fact that her siblings are children changed the situation in that I would want to know what was going to happen to them if their parents died.

Op if you are genuinely concerned then you need to do the following. Sit both your mum and dad down and outline to them concerns if they passed away, which would include provision for your younger siblings. Indicate that they need to have a will in place. Indicate that you would ensure that your step siblings are cared for but to do that you may need financial support/house etc. Ask them to consider how they would like this to work. You cannot dictate what goes in the will and you may need to accept that they may indeed leave nothing to you. It is cruel and we may not like it, but it's not our choice. (I was told 15years ago that everything would be left to my DSis. With little explanation and with no family arguments/concerns. I think it was considered I was more settled. Worked hard, good job, settled down. Very different now as lost job, so would say financial situation would have evened itself out. My DSis however lives near my parents, I do not. So she is viewed as helping more and being on hand. It made me quite upset. I learnt to accept that I was on my own, which tbh I have been for my adult life. My DSis on the other hand didn't leave home until she was 32, didn't pay rent, saved enormous amounts etc etc. I'm currently looking at selling my house because we can't afford to live where we chose to make sure kids were in good schools.)

Posters on here are insulted that the topic would even come up, enough that they would disinherit their own children just for enquiring. Personally, I think parents should be open and talk about it before they’re old or ill so their kids don’t have to bring up the subject. My mum recently passed away I know exactly what’s in her will. I think I’d be pretty shocked and upset if she secretly left her assets to the cat society (no offence to cats).

Can you ask in the sense of asking him how to sort out your own will? It's something everyone should think of so you could say Dad, if something were to happen to you and mum, what would happen to your assets, house and all that? Is it automatic that it gets split between the 4 of us or do you have to actually make a will at a solicitors?

How do you go about it and decide what happens to everything? I've never really thought about what happens when I snuff it but it occurred to me that I really should and I guess I should really know what you and mum want too because imagine us trying to sort all that out while grieving, it would be horrible.

That's what I'd say.

Legally it somewhat depends on the ownership of the house, if they own as joint tenants then the share of the deceased passes on death to the co-owner, that cannot be altered by a will.

If they are tenants in common it passes according to the will, or if there is no will via the law of intestacy, unless its a very expensive house, if she has no will your dad would inherit and then it will pass according to his will or the law of intestacy.

It is a good idea to get this sorted early, ideally it should pass in equal shares to you and your siblings. a good protective method is that the ownership is split to tenants in common, on death of the first partner their share is made a life interest for the serving partner and then to the children absolutely with both wills mirroring. sensible also to name all dc's as joint executors so no one has all the power.

Also powers of attorney for heath and finance.

You should know where all this paperwork is and what it contains and who has to act when the need arises.

they are 55 and 44 FFS. Bit premature to have this conversation unless there is a backstory of a terminal illness or so. They may need the house for another 30-40 years.

Or she could die tomorrow. It happens.

If he hasn’t adopted you, you will receive nothing unless he has specifically provided for you in a will. I am in the same boat, not formally adopted but raised since the age of 4 by my (step) dad. I’m entitled to nothing. However, depending on whether your mum and he have a joint tenancy or tenancy in common (ie whether she owns 50% of the house or has an equal share in 100% of the house), you may be entitled to an equal share of her half one day.

Your step dad is 44 so has likely 30-40 years before it’s an issue. If I were you I’d proceed on the understanding you will likely receive nothing 9the house could be sold to fund social care in his old age for example) and financially plan/live my life on that basis. If he leaves you, or any of your kids, anything one day you can take it as a bonus.

Of course it's right to know.