To be a bit upset that my mum doesn't know who inherits the house?

[chillyolives]

My mum is 55. My step dad is 44 (don't call him that, to me he's my real dad)

Anyway, I asked her casually what happens to the house if she and my dad were to die.

She said it's being left to the kids. So assuming me, and my 3 technically half siblings

I said, is she sure I would even get something since I am probably not named as one of the kids, as I'm not my dads biological etc etc

She said really absent mindedly 'oh I don't know actually, I'm sure you are included surely'

And then changed the subject.

Does anyone know if I would actually get a share of the house or not?

My mum is a lovely, lovely woman but has raging ADHD and avoids any direct, pressing issues she'd aerially have to go and find out via a 3 step process of more etc

So it's not that she's avoiding the truth on purpose, I'm sure.

My dad is a man of few words. To everyone. And I feel too awkward asking him

I am in my 40s and DH in his 50s and all our children (blended family) know whats in our wills. Divided equally between all our children regardless whether biologically ours or not. We have stipulated this in our wills as its my understanding that step children do not automatically inherit - although I could be wrong. We have also made sure they know (youngest is 11) so they are all used to the idea that its an evem split.

That's a really strange view to me.

If you have kids, are you planning to spend all your money and leave them nothing? That's really sad.

My Grandparents were all really happy and proud at the thought that their houses would help their children after they were gone.

I don't find your thread is unreasonable, OP. I say that because I have seen so many "unfair" splits in what happened, where just one kid out of many got any of the parental wealth accrued into old age. Not by design, but thru all sorts of other scenarios. The money got frittered or spent on the favourite or the irresponsible grandchild, etc.

You could approach your parents with suggestion that if anything suddenly happened to either or both, do they want to make sure that all of the kids' possible inheritances are sorted. That's a good reason to have a will, it may protect interests of all the potential heirs & the clarity can protect their future relationships with each other. Your parents can do things like nominate who would be Guardian for the < 18s, can express preference about who manages the residue of their estate, etc. A simple mirror will be simple & relatively cheap to get, very common product.

If they can't take this idea on board , at least you know you tried, if things go very wrong later.

YABVU to even ask your mum this

its none of your business

The mother in this thread is 55. Another poster is saying something about needing money from the will. That would be money that wouldn’t be received in maybe 30-40 years.

I would leave my money to my children, yes. But I wouldn’t particularly expect them to expect it or ask me for it, and I would hope they were in a position where they didn’t need it.

one Of my siblings is waiting on an inheritance, for sure. He does fuck all and will burn through it ASAP, and then what??

an inheritance is something which happens when someone you love dies. Do people not understand this? Or that many elderly people will need years of expensive care so nothing may be left?

Read the full thread. OP's mother and stepfather are in poor health and have reduced life expectancy. They have three minor children. The OP is a relatively young adult with children of her own, but she has said that if anything happened to the parents, she would step in and act as guardian for the children. She would be the one sorting out all the financial and administrative issues. It therefore very much is her business whether her parents have made wills and whether they've got power of attorney documents drawn up that would help her and the other children if necessary.

My parents are well into their 80s and I have never once asked them about their wills or possible inheritance. I would, of course, be very upset if they left everything to my sister and cut me out, but I would still never ask them.

My parents have significant health conditions - mid 50s - I'm older than you.

I wouldn't dream of asking about their wills.Myself and siblings only know about the wills because they had serious operations and was told to get wills in place incase or worse case - so they told us what was in it as we was made guardians of the younger siblings.

You will obviously find out about the wills if and when one / both pass.
Even if they have left everything to the cats home - you can't tell them to change what they have stipulated.

Maybe you should find out if your mum actually has a will for if the worst happens not to find out what is in it - that's who you should be speaking to. She's your mum.

What your step dad has chosen to do with his money is his business - as heartbreaking as it may be to you to be left out (if you are) it's his money and his decision to include or not include you. I can't imagine he'd leave you out - considering you're saying your step dad has treated you like family.

Also if I wanted to spend all my money how is that sad? Why shouldn’t I? I genuinely would rather my mother spend her money on wonderful holidays and experiences over the next 20 years and leave me nothing. It would be sad if she didn’t do this because I had some sort of financial expectation or she felt some bizarre sense of obligation to help me although I’m a grown up in my 30s.

@chillyolives this is mumsnet at its worst. Please, please ignore some of the absolute idiots who have tried to make you feel bad here. I promise you, the vast, vast majority of people would feel as you do. You’re completely sane and reasonable (unlike some of the people gleefully sticking the boot in here) xx

@chillyolives I understand where you are coming from. With recomposed families, one or the other branch of a family can end up getting much more or much less, based on the random order in which people die, without that being intentional but rather the results of certain members of the older generation not willing to do the uncomfortable work of thinking about their own deaths, and then deciding what they want to happen to any surplus assets they might leave.

It sounds as though you are no worried they will have written wills that deliberately exclude you, but you are worried that they might inadvertently exclude you either by having no wills or by having wills that refer to his “children” without also including you.

You might be able to get a partial answer to your question by taking a bit of legal advice. Basically you would want to ask, what happens to the house if your parents die without a will, and does the order of the deaths matter?

One question that probably matters is, have you been legally adopted by your stepdad? If you have, I am no expert, but I am guessing that might mean you would get treated the same as his biological children, even in the absence of a will. But I am only guessing. A qualified lawyer would know.

If your dad (stepdad) passes and there’s no will saying that the house is being left to specific people then it will go to your mum. If your mum has passed then it will go to his three bio and stepchildren equally.

Your parents are so young! Why is it bothering you so much?

If there is an 11, 13 and 15 year difference, the youngest would be about 11. The oldest, 15 and the middle, 13.

**@chillyolives chillyolives · Today 07:47
For further context, there is 15, 13 and 11 years between me and my siblings

I am married. And don't live with any of them now**

I find it so strange the attitudes people have towards Wills and end of life generally. Death is a part of life and will come for everyone eventually, ensuring those you love are aware of your wishes and where to find that information is really important. Setting up Power of attorney is also sensible but that’s a separate issue.

I haven’t seen my parents Will but I know where it is should I need to see it. I know they will have given equal amounts to me and my siblings, whether that is the full estate or none of it. My siblings and I have no expectations of inheritance but we know our parents well enough to know whatever they have decided will be equal and that is all OP wants, to be treated the same as her siblings.

From what you’ve said @chillyolives it sounds like you aren’t entirely sure your parents have written a Will. This is really the issue you have, establishing whether your parents have made Wills and that they are up to date to reflect their current situation. If your mother pre-deceased your father, upon his death (if there is no Will) everything would likely be split between your siblings and you would be excluded because he is not your legal parent.

Every person over the age of 18 who has an asset or dependents should have a Will. Tomorrow is promised to no one and making life easier for those you leave behind by having your wishes legally recorded is just the responsible thing to do. Presuming things will just work out is naive, especially if there are more complex family relationships (divorce/remarriage/step children/half siblings/estrangement etc).

Dying without a Will is known as dying intestate and there are laws around how inheritance works in that situation.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/death-and-wills/who-can-inherit-if-there-is-no-will-the-rules-of-intestacy/#:~:text=A%20person%20who%20dies%20without,under%20the%20rules%20of%20intestacy.

A Will isn’t just about who gets what money but also can dictate guardianship of any minor children, which it sounds like your siblings currently are and your parents should be making provision for what should happen if they were to die before they reach adulthood.

Wills can also express wishes about what happens with the remains of the deceased. It can be helpful to know this in advance to help with funeral planning at a time when most people are very distressed and may not consider to check the Will for instructions in a timely manner.

A Will can also clearly outline if a person has been excluded from inheriting intentionally. If a spouse/child/sibling has been left out of a Will and the courts consider they had reasonable expectation to inherit, a Will can be overturned if it is contested and does not detail a person was left out intentionally.

Wills also dictate the executors, not everyone wants this responsibility so it’s sensible for those writing Wills to establish the person they nominate is happy to take this on. It can be complicated, there are tax issues to deal with as well as notification of all relevant parties and services, a straightforward probate can take about 6 months.

Having open conversations about these subjects is important, no one knows how long they have in this life and making things easier for everyone else by getting a Will written is the best way to avoid complications and upset after you are gone.

@chillyolives I would suggest approaching your Dad and just asking if he and your mum have Wills as it doesn’t sound like your mum knows. I would then ask if those Wills include provisions for guardianship of your minor siblings to ensure that is sorted. If he says they don’t have Will I’d outline the reasons I’ve listed above as to why you are concerned about what would happen in that situation. This isn’t about being money grabbing it’s about being seen as your fathers child, which he obviously views you as but the law doesn’t.

That is understandable.

But you need to talk to them. going by your updates it´s very likely that your mother is simply ignoring the issue. It´s also quite likeley that your (step)father didn´t think about this (seeing as he is 44!).

PP pointing out your parents´ relatively young age would usually be correct but your DP´s medical issues need to be considered. Just talk to them!

If your mum doesn’t have a will, you really should urge her to make one. Someone’s relatively young age really come into it - accidents and e.g. sudden fatal strokes do happen. If someone dies intestate, there are rules as to who gets whatever there is, and they may well not be what the person would have wished.

This is the important info

Why? That to me is so weird. It’s a totally open conversation in our house, just as it was in my parents.

You must really not like your children very much to have such a mind boggling response. Let’s hope you never need any kind of care or help from them (in any capacity) as one mention of it should mean instant NC from them.

Or may be you don’t actually have any children?

But would it be a taboo subject, or would you openly tell them (and hope that your parents would inform you?).

That must have been very hurtful.

And a situation where your half-siblings inherit and you are left with nothing / won´t be considered (due to not being legally recognised as your DF´s child) would probably open up old wounds and feel like an erasure of your place in this family.

I understand why you would want to talk to your parents (now).

And for those calling out OP: if she was your beloved daughter, wouldn´t you want her to talk to you? To tell you that she was worried about being left without any kind of inheritance (unlike her half-siblings) and how that would make her feel? That this would make your death even harder on her due to feeling like she wasn´t recognised as family member by her parent(s)?

That really isn’t what the thread is about. It’s about being informed which is a perfectly understandable.

The only reason I know what's in my mums will is that I'm her executive and so have a copy.

I think it's shameful your parents have allowed yours dads family to treat you like a "stain"

If you were in a blended family situation and one of your children was worried because you had a history of not sorting important documents etc and they thought you might have accidentally left them out, would you really be annoyed if they gently asked you about it?

Why would OP have any rights to challenge the will? She's not a dependent