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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner having take away with his ex

130 replies

Stresshead54321 · 26/05/2024 02:10

My partner has gone to his ex gfs today to help with DIY. They have a child together. He came to mine for a cuppa early evening and when I asked him what he’d done he said he’d done the DIY but also watched TV with his daughter and ex and they’d shared a take away together. I realise trust is a thing and I should be ok with it but hey ho. Here I am, feeling dubious. I knew he was going there to do DIY today (fitting a kitchen) and was cool with that as he explained, it’s giving a better life for his daughter but he told me when he came over that she made him a sausage sandwich at lunch and they shared a take away together this afternoon and watched the football. He also laid her flooring in her bedroom. I didn’t know this would happen. AIBU to feel annoyed? He walked in to mine for a cuppa late afternoon (we live only 3 miles apart) and I told him to leave and said “it’s a bit weird”
He normally messages a lot (too much) but tonight he’s gone silent.

OP posts:

MissJoGrant · 26/05/2024 02:32

There isn't a lot of detail here about the background but, given what you have said, his behaviour seems completely fine.

I think you need to get used to the fact that he has an amicable relationship with the mother of his child and that is a GOOD thing.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/05/2024 03:10

You told him to leave because it was weird and you are wondering why he hasn't text you?

milesmachine · 26/05/2024 03:23

Seems fine to me and the fact he told you so flippantly like it was no big deal suggests exactly that-that is isn't a big deal

How wonderful for his daughter that both her parents recognise how important it is to support one another for her sake

Sorry OP but if you have a problem with this, I think it's on you.

Please don't be the new partner who starts to put ideas in his head that he shouldn't be doing this.

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 26/05/2024 03:23

you are in a relationship with a man who will forever have the mother of his child and a child in his life.
either you are okay with this idea or best to move on and find another fellow.

Original poster

Stresshead54321 · 26/05/2024 03:44

He’s started to lay a floor for his ex in her bedroom. Partway through sorting the kitchen. Take-away together, watching TV together. I think spending these shared experiences as a Unit feels distressing.
I am all of good parent-child relationships as we both have children from past relationships and my son sees his Dad regularly but it’s a bit more clear cut.
I feel the boundaries are being blurred and he should’ve messaged me during the day. He normally messages or calls a lot and today went very quiet.

OP posts:

Wolveryeti · 26/05/2024 03:56

You sound quite insecure in the relationship and should probably reflect whether it is your underlying belief structure or him that is the issue. You knew bf was going to do the diy (btw not just for his ex, but for his daughter to have a nice living space). His only crime seems to have been not checking in with you like you were his parole officer.

thedendrochronologist · 26/05/2024 03:56

Its fine to me

Of someone was kind enough to fit a kitchen I'd surely stump up for a sausage sandwich and a takeaway.

Although I feel you will disagree given your reaction to the PP who also say the same

Reugny · 26/05/2024 04:01

Your title and what is actually upsetting you are different.

Anyway if you think he has no boundaries then you need to split up.

BigDahliaFan · 26/05/2024 04:01

There’s not a lot of background here….if they split up last week you might be right to feel vulnerable.

my dh and his ex have gone away together and even shared a room together (due to visits his son in an emergency In hospital), I have no worries about this at all. I know her well and they parent well together.

you’ve got to set your own boundaries….

Original poster

Stresshead54321 · 26/05/2024 04:07

not at all, your views are really helpful. I worry I overthink and am neurotic and want this to work so am grateful for your insights

OP posts:

CheekyHobson · 26/05/2024 04:13

He normally messages a lot (too much) but tonight he’s gone silent.

Sorry to say that it’s probably because your behaviour is quite OTT and borderline controlling and he doesn’t know what to make of it.

He helped out the mother of his child, who he is amicable with, and shared a bit of food with her. But you’re acting like this means he’s at risk of shagging her in the walk-in wardrobe.

Listen to yourself. You don’t seem to trust him, but is that because he has actually done anything wrong, or because you just don’t like having any perceived competition?

milesmachine · 26/05/2024 04:18

I think spending these shared experiences as a Unit feels distressing.

Sorry but this reaction is way OTT.

I don't think there's anything wrong with still having shared experiences (not sure having some food counts as an 'experience') when you have. a Child together

I think you need to recalibrate your boundaries rather than enforce them-or split up as this won't change (nor should you try to change it)

cannonballz · 26/05/2024 04:23

personally, I dont think it is possible or necessary to be texting someone during DIY, or particularly appropriate to do so during a football match. I think he sounds like a great Dad. If I were him I would be seeing red flags waving madly around you right now.

Hiddenvoice · 26/05/2024 04:25

He hasn’t messaged you today because he’s been busy, when he isn’t laying floor or fitting a kitchen, he’s been spending time with his child.
He hasn’t been there to see his ex but as you’ve already said, there to make a better life for his child.
I think it’s quite nice that he’s done that and feel like the ex has provided lunch and dinner as a thank you for helping them out.
It would have been nice for the child to have both parents together for a little while.

If you feel like this is too much for you then I would end the relationship. If you feel you can’t trust him and this has upset you then this isn’t the right relationship for you as you can’t make him change what’s happened. You can’t make him choose between messaging you more or spending time with his child.

SamW98 · 26/05/2024 04:33

As someone who has a very amicable relationship with my ex, I can’t see anything wrong with the scenario at all and the think your reaction sounds insecure and controlling.

Original poster

Stresshead54321 · 26/05/2024 04:36

I am all for him spending time with his daughter. It’s lovely. And believe me I need the break for my own child and myself as it can all get a bit consuming sometimes. It’s what is right and know he should help out where he can for his daughter. I also like him doing DIY for the family and would be happy with that. Just the way he wafted in after being fed up by his ex in to mine and watching a football match the two of them (a new sort of confident, knock and walk in) annoyed me.
What I’m iffy about is him walking in to my house and telling me he’s shared a take away with his ex and done all this DIY and then proceeding to make himself a cuppa in a new sort of arrogance. Just left me startled.
To label me as insecure is very generic. I’m not normally at all. Just a new situation and hence why I’ve come here?

OP posts:

SpringerFall · 26/05/2024 04:37

I would think it was a positive not a negative thing

Abitorangelooking · 26/05/2024 04:41

Did you expect him to bring a packed lunch? I just think your behaviour is a bit weird. Either you can cope with him having a relationship with his dc and ex or you can’t (this is fine not everyone is cut out for playing second fiddle) I’m not sure I’d want to date someone with kids either.

marie3e · 26/05/2024 04:41

Maybe he was just happy ? I don't think it's weird how you reacted, it's natural, but isn't this just what it was likely to be like ?

AquaFurball · 26/05/2024 04:47

Stresshead54321 · 26/05/2024 04:36

He's not allowed to make himself a cuppa in your house after a long day of DIY and making the effort to come and see you afterwards? Don't be surprised if he doesn't text you again. You certainly seem like you're insecure and jealous.
No shade on that part to be fair, personally I wouldn't want my partner spending time with his ex which is why I don't date men with children.
Consider the position if he was to tell you any aspect of how you communicate with your child's dad was weird and act like you have today, posting about it and calling you arrogant, would you still want to be with him?

Original poster

Stresshead54321 · 26/05/2024 04:52

cor some of you are right keyboard warriors. Perfect lives y’all.

Lack of compassion and riding about on high horses, Lol. Attacky or what.

logged in to this site for some advice and guidance, met with some right judgemental ones. Mumsnet see ya! Gave it a try but I’ll stick with my actual real life friends in the future. Jeez.

OP posts:

Crumpetsssss · 26/05/2024 04:54

Twist this round.

Imagine he’d got back from fitting the kitchen, hungry and moaning about his ex.

How Inappropriate would it be for her to not feed him, when he’s helping her? If I had a tradesperson in my house at breakfast time. I’d offer food. (Admittedly, I wouldn’t settle them on the sofa with a takeaway when they finished, but I’d be paying them)

You’d be here asking “AIBU to think ex should have fed DP when he was there all day?”

The fact he has a good relationship with the mother of his child is a good thing. If you can’t deal with it, this isn’t the relationship for you.

marie3e · 26/05/2024 04:55

Don't leave lol

Original poster

Stresshead54321 · 26/05/2024 04:58

I don’t like anyone just to walk in to my house. Knock and wait if I don’t have warning. Family are different but a very new partner, no he cannot just walk in and expect a cuppa.

OP posts:

SpringerFall · 26/05/2024 04:59

Stresshead54321 · 26/05/2024 04:52

cor some of you are right keyboard warriors. Perfect lives y’all.

Lack of compassion and riding about on high horses, Lol. Attacky or what.

logged in to this site for some advice and guidance, met with some right judgemental ones. Mumsnet see ya! Gave it a try but I’ll stick with my actual real life friends in the future. Jeez.

So because we didn't go all 'how terrible you need to leave him immediately how could he do that to you' you now have an issue?

Why not just say 'only reply if you agree with me'

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