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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner having take away with his ex

130 replies

Stresshead54321 · 26/05/2024 02:10

My partner has gone to his ex gfs today to help with DIY. They have a child together. He came to mine for a cuppa early evening and when I asked him what he’d done he said he’d done the DIY but also watched TV with his daughter and ex and they’d shared a take away together. I realise trust is a thing and I should be ok with it but hey ho. Here I am, feeling dubious. I knew he was going there to do DIY today (fitting a kitchen) and was cool with that as he explained, it’s giving a better life for his daughter but he told me when he came over that she made him a sausage sandwich at lunch and they shared a take away together this afternoon and watched the football. He also laid her flooring in her bedroom. I didn’t know this would happen. AIBU to feel annoyed? He walked in to mine for a cuppa late afternoon (we live only 3 miles apart) and I told him to leave and said “it’s a bit weird”
He normally messages a lot (too much) but tonight he’s gone silent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stresshead54321 · 28/05/2024 03:26

Also, I was not the ‘other woman’ as someone asked. They’d been separated by over a year and at that time she was with someone else.

And just to say I realise it’s ok to have an ‘open door policy’ for a lot of people. I’m glad that people have that level of freedom for loved ones. It’s just not my thing. Only a very small amount of people let themselves in (some family and I’m good with that) but even then I have some sort of pre warning. Just the way I function as I like my space.

Everyone is different.

OP posts:
cultjarteriaky · 28/05/2024 08:33

Stresshead54321 · 28/05/2024 03:13

These responses are mostly interesting. Thank you for your views. I realise I may have overreacted but that’s not from a place of me being a ‘bad step Mum’ hence I’ve actually come on here for advice. If I was that bad, I’d just reign like a bitch not seeking outer perspectives.

Also some of you are just plain rude!

Get your venom out did you? Feel better for that? Lol.

So as a mature adult (who is allowed to have feelings - be they loving, jealous … we can’t help them) but it’s my responsibility to make sense of them and act like a mature adult. new partner and I have chatted and I explained to him that he texts me a lot during his normal work day or when he’s with his daughter alone (the consuming part as it’s feels quite constant throughout his working day or at least on his breaks) but on the one day he did put her bedroom, he went very quiet. Which left me feeling insecure. I’m happy for him to DIY there, just be nice to have it communicated that he was then having a take away and watching TV together.

He has reassured me. We chatted through it and I feel ok. Thanks to some kind words from emotionally intelligent minds on here.

i also will speak with him soon about walking in unannounced. I like a bit of a warning as my home is my sanctuary and feel weird about anyone just letting themselves in without SOME pre warning. Each to their own.

I don’t lock the door no, in the daytime. Should I? When I’m on my own I have never felt the need. People shouldn’t just walk in! Anyone that knows that about me knows this and I’m the same with friends of mine. People have boundaries and aside burglars or maniacs and I don’t live in fear of this. When I’m in the house? Maybe I’m naive. There’s not much crime here so I guess I’ve become a bit relaxed. I’ll take from this that maybe I will start locking myself in more. Would feel weird to start.

Yes he did all that work in a day! Two floors on the most part. Up before I was and the cuppa at mine was a break. He then went back to fix a wall problem. Guess he’s fast! He didn’t fit a whole kitchen, no! But made starts on it, or something to do with her kitchen.

Still annoyed by the bedroom floor laying bit for her room though.

What will be will be. If he goes back to her or if I decide it’s all a bit much, I’ll still have my plants and my cat for salvation. And raise my own independently.

Just trying to muddle through life.

Like everyone?

Where is he based?
I need a lot of work done and need sineine who works fast and is reliable
Two bedrooms, bathroom, kitchen and balcony
I will pay of course, he can bring his own food

FTPM1980 · 28/05/2024 08:44

Contrary to many opinions its not actually necessary for break-ups to be antagonistic and ex's to hate each other.

In fact I would suggest when people break up due to a falling out they may have unresolved issues. When two people decide amicably they aren't right for each other but can stay friends they are less likely to get back together.

GivingitToGod · 06/10/2024 16:54

MissJoGrant · 26/05/2024 02:32

There isn't a lot of detail here about the background but, given what you have said, his behaviour seems completely fine.

I think you need to get used to the fact that he has an amicable relationship with the mother of his child and that is a GOOD thing.

Ditto

MyPeppyCat · 06/03/2025 08:03

Lampshadeblue · 26/05/2024 15:35

I think some of the responses on here are a bit harsh. I’m torn on this one. I can understand why your partner acting in a capacity as he would if he were still with his ex (like taking care of the family home etc.) would feel uncomfortable. I think the test for me would be, if it was not about still playing happy families and just about being supportive in a platonic way, how about you and him going round to help out together? If the ex really just needs the DiY help, surely the more help the better?

Also bear in mind that understandably mumsnet is populated by a lot of first wives with children, so of course they will be more in favour of exes coming back to help with their DiY. If the ex wife lived with a new partner, I wonder how happy the new partner would be about another bloke coming into their home to do DIY?

But ultimately this situation may not change, so you need to decide whether this is something you are going to be ok with.

Excellent point about the MN demographic.

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