Partner having take away with his ex

[Stresshead54321]

My partner has gone to his ex gfs today to help with DIY. They have a child together. He came to mine for a cuppa early evening and when I asked him what he’d done he said he’d done the DIY but also watched TV with his daughter and ex and they’d shared a take away together. I realise trust is a thing and I should be ok with it but hey ho. Here I am, feeling dubious. I knew he was going there to do DIY today (fitting a kitchen) and was cool with that as he explained, it’s giving a better life for his daughter but he told me when he came over that she made him a sausage sandwich at lunch and they shared a take away together this afternoon and watched the football. He also laid her flooring in her bedroom. I didn’t know this would happen. AIBU to feel annoyed? He walked in to mine for a cuppa late afternoon (we live only 3 miles apart) and I told him to leave and said “it’s a bit weird”
He normally messages a lot (too much) but tonight he’s gone silent.

Ahh I can imagine that's not nice to hear.

I can see both sides but, equally, I w

I can see both sides but I wouldn't be happy about it either.

It's great they are so amicable and can still be in each other's company and co parent well, but yeah, I wouldn't love this.

You're being a bit contradictory and very dog-in-the-manger!

You feel threatened by his comfortable domestic intimacy with his ex, as he helps her improve the home in which she is raising his child. You also dislike his presumption of domesticity with you, just letting himself in and helping himself to a cup of tea.

You don't want that from him, but he can't have it with anyone else either?!

It's not logical, so something else is going on here, your insecurities, or maybe a gut feeling that this just isn't right for you.

What is your darkest imagining? That he screwed her (in front of their child, while fitting a kitchen and laying a floor) then swaggered into your house fresh from his conquest?

He shares a child with his ex, they are always going to be connected. However, a shared child is a strong motivator. If they wanted to be together, if their relationship worked at all, they still would be. It doesn't.

It's still best when separated co-parents are constructive, amicable, genuinely caring. He needs to be with someone who supports that.

Put it this way. How would you want him to treat you, when you are separated from him, and raising his child?

I understand where you’re coming from op because I’m a bit neurotic and insecure. This would bother me, and I’d rather have a relationship with less complicating factors.

I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong, and in this case it’s more your problem than him. But you’re also entitled to feel how you feel, so maybe this isn’t the right relationship for you.

But if he walked miles to have a cup of tea with you at the end of the day I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing.

It sounds like you are not the kind of person who can deal with your boyfriend’s situation. A lot of people aren’t. It’s probably best to recognise that.

Maybe stick to men without children or men with children who are grown up and have left the family home.

Sorry you got piled on OP. It's awful. There are a few sensible responses on the most recent page, asking how things are more generally in your relationship with him and also how much time he spends with his ex. You might have just had a wobble - it can happen, or it might be part of bigger and genuine concerns about his boundaries. I'm sure you just wanted some sensible feedback.

Plied on isn't the same as a number of people not agreeing with OP.

My ex-DH does DIY for me, we sometimes have a takeaway/I cook a meal together with the DC, I always take him out on his birthday and Father's day. My partner is fine with it.

@Stresshead54321 I am with the OP! I would not be happy with an ex going in to his ex's to fit a kitchen and to lay a floor! why cant she get someone else to do it like normal people do?? incidentally, how did he manage to do all of this in one day?? He shares a child with his ex, not a house!!

Whilst he hasn’t done anything wrong, I can completely understand why you are annoyed. I know I couldn’t cope with this. Thats why I would never have a relationship with a man who already had children. I just know I would be wound up constantly.

There’s literally nothing wrong with this. I think it’s a wonderful thing for their child to see, a healthy co-parenting relationship (for once!) and I would be more concerned if he had lied or tried to hide it. You sound very insecure, don’t be ruining or trying to interfere just because it’s not how you would do things - it’s not your child, it’s not your co-parenting relationship. If you’re not comfortable with this then either don’t date someone with a child or date someone with a bitter ex partner who they despise 🤷‍♀️

@Stresshead54321 I think it sounds like you need someone with clearer boundaries. I can see it’s not about him having a good relationship with his ex but more about things not being ‘structured’ e.g. fitted the kitchen but then did other stuff and then wafted into your house just like that. It’s nice that he feels comfortable to do that but, it might just not work for you.

Maybe because his child lives in that house and he wants to make it nice for them? You sound really immature.

So what exactly is it you’ve got an issue with because this is a completely different problem to your OO and thread title?

Have you ever fitted a kitchen? Or put down a floor? There's a lot going on there and texting and calling someone wouldn't be top of the priority list. My DH is handy and he barely speaks to me if he's in the middle of a job like that! It takes concentration.
I'm sure he didn't charge her for the workhe was doing, so she treated him to a takeaway to thank him for his efforts.
You are being very very unreasonable. If you can't handle that he and the mother of his child have a good relationship and are capable of being civil to each other then maybe this relationship isn't for you.

If the actual issue was walking in unannounced why start the thread off based on what he had been doing earlier in the day.

Maybe look at it this way.

He feels so happy and secure with you he thought he was able to walk in the way he did.

He feels so happy and secure with you he didn't even think that telling you what he had done earlier that day would be an issue for you because it didn't occur to him you would be jealous of what was basically a non event for him.

It's difficult I guess if you don't have that type of relationship with your own ex and makes you second guess what's going on with his. Whilst some may still want to be with their ex so many don't and do just have this friendship/co parent situation. So take a step back and think do you want to be with him long enough to work out which he is.

So are you bothered he had a takeaway and watched telly with his ex? Or are you bothered that he came in to your house and made himself a cup of tea?

How long are you together?

You’re on to a loser

As a child of separated parents, it can actually be really confusing and give false hope when your parents are too familiar. It can also be really painful to see what you're missing out on.

Doing repairs etc is borderline. Sitting down with a takeaway/watching TV together either gives false hope or makes you feel like crap because it's a false normal and almost rubbing your nose in what you'll never have.

How long have you been together?
How long have they been separated?
How old is the child?
Was the split amicable?
What's your relationship like with the mum, does she like you etc?

I think so many things are relevant in whether this is 'normal' or whether you should be worried. Everyone's piling on you OP but they only have a few paragraphs to go by, they don't know you, your OH or the ex. They don't know any background details, what his personality is like, what hers is like, what led them to separate, whether she still loves him, whether he loves her etc etc etc

Does she have a partner who's happy for her ex to do the DIY, watch footie and eat take outs together?

His ex gave him a sausage sandwich? You know that's a sex thing right? A man puts his dick in-between a woman's tits and wanks himself off! LTB😂😂😂😂

I’m sorry, but you sound like a very difficult person. The way you’re talking about ‘a new sort of confident knock and walk in’ just sounds so weird and paranoid.

Why shouldn’t he come straight round to yours after seeing his daughter and doing some DIY?! Why shouldn’t he put the kettle on? How is it arrogant to make a cuppa at your house? You’re his girlfriend - it’s normal to be comfortable in the house of someone you’re in a relationship with. He wasn’t visiting the vicar for afternoon tea.

You literally told him to leave because you were so ‘distressed’ by him having some food after doing a favour for his ex and his child. I’m not surprised he’s gone quiet because I’d have ended it by now if I were him.

I disagree with most PP here, them sharing a takeaway and doing the flooring in her bedroom was a step too far. Massively disrespectful to you OP

Your partner and his ex have shared a room together and you're fine with it? Open your eyes!!

I am with you OP. All these perfect women who don't even know what jealousy is. I would not like it. They are not together. She needs to find someone else to do her DIY. I would think carefully about this relationship. It sounds like he is already putting her before you.