Partner having take away with his ex

[Stresshead54321]

My partner has gone to his ex gfs today to help with DIY. They have a child together. He came to mine for a cuppa early evening and when I asked him what he’d done he said he’d done the DIY but also watched TV with his daughter and ex and they’d shared a take away together. I realise trust is a thing and I should be ok with it but hey ho. Here I am, feeling dubious. I knew he was going there to do DIY today (fitting a kitchen) and was cool with that as he explained, it’s giving a better life for his daughter but he told me when he came over that she made him a sausage sandwich at lunch and they shared a take away together this afternoon and watched the football. He also laid her flooring in her bedroom. I didn’t know this would happen. AIBU to feel annoyed? He walked in to mine for a cuppa late afternoon (we live only 3 miles apart) and I told him to leave and said “it’s a bit weird”
He normally messages a lot (too much) but tonight he’s gone silent.

@VJBR Exactly 👍🏻 I've been in OP's position and in the mum's position. There must be firm boundaries, otherwise it starts to become a weird 'pick me dance' that is not healthy at all.

I have an amicable relationship with my son’s dad and when he picks up our son we always have a cuppa. On occasions he will do some DIY and then I feed him if he is here at mealtimes. I also offer brunch or lunch on his birthday or fathers day, son’s birthday or Christmas morning. I do it because it’s nice for our son. This is lessening as son is getting older. The natural course of things. Ex has been with his partner for a few years now and she has an amicable relationship with her ex too so she thinks this is all pretty normal. He has recently taken me to some hospital appointments where I wasn’t able to drive after. I asked if she minded and he said of course not. I have just looked after their dog while they went on holiday. This give and take makes things nicer all round, especially for our son.

You are the one being weird here. He sounds like a nice bloke, he has an amicable relationship with his ex and presumably a good one with his child. He isn’t hiding anything from you and he came straight round after to see you after leaving theirs. I would choose this guy every time over the ones who don’t see their kids or who say nasty stuff about their ex.

As for him coming in and making himself a cuppa, you make it sound like your relationship is very new. Don’t you keep your door locked? Does he have a key? I am not sure what the issue is here. Once I am in a relationship with someone I wouldn’t object to them making a cuppa. It sounds like he wanted to see you and was in a good mood after having a productive day and spending some time with his child. If he hasn’t text since it is because you said you felt weird about what he thinks is normal. If this isn’t for you then say so and that’s fine but please don’t ruin the relationship he has with his daughter by being all clingy and expecting him to stop this sort of thing. He may of course not go along with that if you tried but many men do. They co-parent well with their ex until a new partner comes along saying they don’t like this or that.

You should be pleased he has such a good relationship with the mother of his child and is a good father to his child. You may find yourself to be the next ex with a child of his one day. At least the outlook for an amicable co-parenting situation is good.

I have been divorced for 10 years, my exH and his father always come and fix and decorate my house every time I move and BTW they also buy whatever is needed

I've been where you are. And I've felt the same, a bit overwhelmed with the friendliness. My partner has fitted them flooring, bathrooms. They have been out for breakfast when they had to go to the passport office together. At first I kind of had to grit my teeth and get on with it.

Now many years later I'm so glad I did, he's a fantastic dad, they have a good relationship, I also do with her. We've been to wedding's together, he will go over for kid's birthday's, have tea and cake. And it's so lovely to see how happy his kid's are. It's still tricky at time's because bottom line is they have shared something together we haven't and won't. But I've got to trust them both.

Your title suggests you’re upset he had a takeaway but later on you say you’re upset that he walked into your home without knowing.

I understand how you feel about the takeaway as it feels very relationship-like.

But if someone did DIY for me, then I’d absolutely make them food or order them a takeaway to say thanks and so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this.

It’s lovely he’s doing DIY for his ex but this could cause issues down the line if he doesn’t have strong boundaries and if he chooses her over you.

In regards to the front door.
Firstly, it should always be locked as anyone can walk in.

Secondly, you absolutely need to talk to him about it and tell him to not do it again.
He doesn’t live there and you may have been busy.
He has no right to just walk in like he lives there.

It was a takeaway and laying a floor - not laying his ex. He has a previous family, which will always be a part of his life.

Firm boundaries so he can’t do diy in his own kids home, help out, act like a family and co parent amicably together. That’s shocking. No we aren’t perfect because we understand what a healthy relationship looks like or use jealousy to try to control our partners. But we are a helluva lot more perfect than anyone who does.

the shame of it.

It’s definitely not something I’d be comfortable with. I’d much rather have clear boundaries and those feel muddled

He doesn't seem out of line here, OP

Dont pit yourself against his daughter, as you will lose

I think some of the responses on here are a bit harsh. I’m torn on this one. I can understand why your partner acting in a capacity as he would if he were still with his ex (like taking care of the family home etc.) would feel uncomfortable. I think the test for me would be, if it was not about still playing happy families and just about being supportive in a platonic way, how about you and him going round to help out together? If the ex really just needs the DiY help, surely the more help the better?

Also bear in mind that understandably mumsnet is populated by a lot of first wives with children, so of course they will be more in favour of exes coming back to help with their DiY. If the ex wife lived with a new partner, I wonder how happy the new partner would be about another bloke coming into their home to do DIY?

But ultimately this situation may not change, so you need to decide whether this is something you are going to be ok with.

I think it’s fine if she is accepting of you. If she isn’t then it’s a different matter.

My DH and I are in the process of separating. He will absolutely be helping out with DIY tasks that he is excellent at in order to prepare the house his children will be living in and save us both a hell of a lot of money.

I don't love him anymore but I don't have any ill feeling towards him, nor him me. We will be as amicable as possible and will help each other out where possible. I hope he meets someone else. But if she has a problem with him helping us out where he can and me buying him a bag of chips for his trouble then I can't imagine the relationship lasting long. He doesn't like being told what to do for one thing!

I wouldn't like that OP, especially him doing stuff in her bedroom, that is rather intimate, imo anyway, and she should hire someone else, any pay them. Given her history with her ex. The bedroom imo definitely takes it too far. I would feel VERY uncomfortable with that, especially.

Intimate? Laying some flooring

Did you read my post properly? doing stuff in her BEDROOM.

I just think it's an intimate PLACE to be for an ex. It's not really appropriate considering their former relationship.

@SoreAndTired1

Of course I read it, I would not be responding to it otherwise

It's not intimate to lay some flooring in her BEDROOM.

It’s just a room ffs. How does it matter if is her bedroom. Laying a floor in there isn’t intimate anymore than it was when my ex put up a new blind for me in mine. Seeing him in there didn’t make me want to jump him. I didn’t think anything other than I was happy to tick that job of my list.

For those saying she should pay for someone to do those jobs why if he is happy to do them. My ex doesn’t pay me anything (don’t go there I am over it) so where he offers to save me some money by doing some job or other I take it and am happy he is contributing something.

It is good for the child to see dad being a role model and do those jobs at home least she will grow up and get together with those men who can even pick up their dirty pants from the floor

if the bedroom in an intimate place does it mean women will lose control and have sex with the workmen that will be hired to do the jobs🤔🤔🤔

Well this is at the crux of it all if it's a very new relationship - you are in the early stages and haven't built anything solid yet.

If you knew one another better and had established trust then hopefully you would see the following for what they are (normal):

• Not being in touch during the day is because he was busy working
• It is good - as you have noted - that they have an amicable relationship for the sake of their child
• I imagine he is doing this for free, so probably the least the ex could do would feel that she should feed him lunch and tea
• He was probably exhausted after lots of manual labour, so putting his feet up and watching the football to get his energy back is normal
• You told him it was weird and he doesn't think it was, so now he doesn't know what to say to you, hence lack of contact.

All of that aside, if you don't like him just walking into the house, then tell him.

@Stresshead54321

I'm confused as to what exactly you're annoyed about? Maybe he is, too.

Are you cross that he was helping his child's mum or that he didn't text you enough while he did it?
Or are you fed up that he walked into your house with overfamiliarity & made himself a cuppa?

You told him everything was weird & asked him to leave - no wonder he's gone quiet!

FWIW I agree with you op. He’s still too invested with his ex. I’d walk away from this.

Do you mean boyfriend and not partner?

These responses are mostly interesting. Thank you for your views. I realise I may have overreacted but that’s not from a place of me being a ‘bad step Mum’ hence I’ve actually come on here for advice. If I was that bad, I’d just reign like a bitch not seeking outer perspectives.

Also some of you are just plain rude!

Get your venom out did you? Feel better for that? Lol.

So as a mature adult (who is allowed to have feelings - be they loving, jealous … we can’t help them) but it’s my responsibility to make sense of them and act like a mature adult. new partner and I have chatted and I explained to him that he texts me a lot during his normal work day or when he’s with his daughter alone (the consuming part as it’s feels quite constant throughout his working day or at least on his breaks) but on the one day he did put her bedroom, he went very quiet. Which left me feeling insecure. I’m happy for him to DIY there, just be nice to have it communicated that he was then having a take away and watching TV together.

He has reassured me. We chatted through it and I feel ok. Thanks to some kind words from emotionally intelligent minds on here.

i also will speak with him soon about walking in unannounced. I like a bit of a warning as my home is my sanctuary and feel weird about anyone just letting themselves in without SOME pre warning. Each to their own.

I don’t lock the door no, in the daytime. Should I? When I’m on my own I have never felt the need. People shouldn’t just walk in! Anyone that knows that about me knows this and I’m the same with friends of mine. People have boundaries and aside burglars or maniacs and I don’t live in fear of this. When I’m in the house? Maybe I’m naive. There’s not much crime here so I guess I’ve become a bit relaxed. I’ll take from this that maybe I will start locking myself in more. Would feel weird to start.

Yes he did all that work in a day! Two floors on the most part. Up before I was and the cuppa at mine was a break. He then went back to fix a wall problem. Guess he’s fast! He didn’t fit a whole kitchen, no! But made starts on it, or something to do with her kitchen.

Still annoyed by the bedroom floor laying bit for her room though.

What will be will be. If he goes back to her or if I decide it’s all a bit much, I’ll still have my plants and my cat for salvation. And raise my own independently.

Just trying to muddle through life.

Like everyone?