Partner having take away with his ex

[Stresshead54321]

My partner has gone to his ex gfs today to help with DIY. They have a child together. He came to mine for a cuppa early evening and when I asked him what he’d done he said he’d done the DIY but also watched TV with his daughter and ex and they’d shared a take away together. I realise trust is a thing and I should be ok with it but hey ho. Here I am, feeling dubious. I knew he was going there to do DIY today (fitting a kitchen) and was cool with that as he explained, it’s giving a better life for his daughter but he told me when he came over that she made him a sausage sandwich at lunch and they shared a take away together this afternoon and watched the football. He also laid her flooring in her bedroom. I didn’t know this would happen. AIBU to feel annoyed? He walked in to mine for a cuppa late afternoon (we live only 3 miles apart) and I told him to leave and said “it’s a bit weird”
He normally messages a lot (too much) but tonight he’s gone silent.

You call him a very new partner how long are you together?
I wouldn't like someone letting themselves into my home. Lock the door?
Regarding helping his ex, his child will always come first. It's great he has a good relationship with his ex and is putting the needs of his daughter first.

Yet again men are damned if they do and damned if they don't!

Poor chap is showing his child that mummy and daddy are decent people and although he doesn't live with them anymore, he's there to help.

The ex has been cordial and made food for him and then they have sat down as a family and ate a takeaway and spent time with their child together.

Or he could have told the ex no he will only ever see his daughter by picking her up at the door.

I think you should o our date people that don't have children as you are jealous, insecure and don't have any compassion.

I understand why you feel sidelined, but he sounds likeva good guy. Unless laying a floor is code for trying to get back together.

I dated a man who thought that he had to drop me every time his daughter rang him. No matter if it was his weekend or whether he could help bring her hamster back to life. It made me feel uneasy. Like I'd been cast in the role of pickmegirl or pick me later? It didn't work for me good father or not.

You sound incredibly insecure/controlling.

How long have you been with him? Calling him your partner in the op makes it seem a long term relationship, but you then say it’s very new, which indicates he’s not your partner at all.

you obviously are jealous and insecure, and telling him to leave due to it, is concerning, he obvs has a good relationship with his ex, and that’s great, but if you can’t deal with it, as you’re too jealous, then it’s best one of you ends this, as you are looking to cause some distance there if you can.

Just dump him

This is shocking. It is one thing for the op to be jealous and insecure, it’s her relationship, but you’re also showing yours a deeply insecure and jealous person and it’s not even your relationship.

Are you upset that you ex doesn’t support your child this way or that your just having second thoughts generally about the relationship? Either or both are fine - it’s hard to unpick what it is that you are unhappy about and offer advice if you yourself are not clear.

My DD’s dad lives in another city. When we do pick ups and drops offs we have lunch, look around shops etc If he picks up from our house I make lunch and we have it together with DD, we might watch a film. He might help with something in DD’s room or the rest of the house if needed.
This is totally normal for amicable co-parents. You are being very unreasonable and sound jealous and immature. What do you want? A horrid man who barely sees his child and treats his ex badly?

You're reaction is odd and immature. It's not surprising that he hasn't messaged.

He was working all day, was he not supposed to rest and eat at all over there at any point?

And no cuppa because he is a new partner? You are strange.

Tbh I can see what you mean. He went round to do DIY which is great but actually didn't finish what he was doing as they sat around watching TV and eating takeaway. That's not him helping out, thats family time.

It certainly wouldn't be a deal breaker unless there's backstory, but you need to chat about boundaries.

You sound too insecure. Probably best not to be in a relationship with a person who has an amicable relationship with his ex.

So you think he should have gone hungry the entire day?

If you feel his behaviour of popping over to say hi (and to show you that he was making time for you even when busy doing DIY) and making himself a cup of tea in your home seemed over familiar, then your relationship certainly isn't at the point where you have any say over how comfortable he is around anyone else eg his ex.

You can tell a lot about someone by how they treat their ex/es and the parent of their child. Sounds like he is a decent person, and he has gone quiet because you've shown him that you want to control under what circumstances he is allowed to manage his relationship with his child and ex.

At the very most I could understand being slightly jealous at the takeaway/TV but jt was some kind of footie final and presumably his child was watching it too. I wouldn't have said anything though as it would be a me problem.

The fact you even think her making him a sausage sandwich is of any concern is ridiculous. Was he supposed to take a packed lunch?

I’m now confused as you’re now okay-ish with the whole thing but now annoyed with how he entered your house? Why not tell him to not just enter? Why not lock your door and then he has to wait until you unlock?

I think you’re annoyed he’s spent the day with his ex. You’re annoyed that he’s not come over moaning about how bad it was and instead he’s come over on a good mood as he’s had a good day.
If you don’t like the situation and how amicable he is with his ex then end the relationship.
He’s barely messaged you since as he’s probably confused why you’re so angry and may now be questioning the relationship himself.

1. it is his daughters house - who is more important than her ?!
2. they are a new couple so even if he wouldn’t (and tbh why would he when helping himself to a cuppa is arrogant?! ) it’s. Or really good comparison.

i can’t believe how insecure people are of their relationships on here to be honest

And you can't dictate to him that he can't do a days DIY helping the mother of his child and be expected to eat separately from them. It's really intense, this relationship is doomed.

Sounds like they sre amicable, he did diy and she made a sandwich and bought a takeaway as least she could do for someone doing free kitchen/flooring.

Knocking and walking in asking for tea is not overfamiliar to me, if you don't like it fair enough let him know or lock the door but i dont think that is an issue for many people.

After asking him to leave I am not surprised he hasn't messaged. Have you messaged him?

I moderate on a free family law group and I can say there are thousands of members who's conciliatory and amicable relationship with their ex (and therefore their informal contact arrangements with their child) goes downhill and completely pear shaped when a new partner comes onto the scene, and starts throwing their weight around.

Don't be that new partner.

Text him back and say you're sorry you threw a hissy fit because he came directly to your house after spending the day with his family, and that you'd like to make him a cuppa. This isn't about how he "wafted" in and his "new found arrogance", or you would have said that off the bat. You just don't like the fact he spent the day with and had two meals with his ex.

I would imagine his kid was there too, no?

You are the red flag here

How do you know he didn't finish? Do you know how many days it takes to fit a kitchen?

I think it depends if what you describe is a regular pattern of behaviour or whether this current DIY help he is giving her is a one off.
If he is always at her beck and call and doing whatever jobs she wants done, and if he is regularly socialising as though they are still a family together then I think you are justified in being wary of his relationship with her.
If however this is just an isolated incidence of him helping with a particular home improvement job then I think you are being a bit unreasonable to begrudge him helping.

I wouldn't like it either OP. I'd be thinking why can't she get a handyman in to do the work, it would all seem far too cosy for my liking.

However, from his point of view he was probably just starving after some hard graft.

He fitted a kitchen, laid the bedroom floor, watched the FA cup final and was at yours by late afternoon for a cuppa - all in one day?

I do see your point.

Was he single when you met - or did he leave them for you? Is your response driven by guilt and anxiety? He's done it to her so he could do it to you?

Getting together with a man with a child means child and mother, a unit, will be in his and your lives probably forever in one way or another.

He is being present in his child's life, which is great, so it makes sense he's ensuring their home is comfortable. If he left them, guilt may be a factor that keeps him going back to help.

If you want to remain in this relationship you'll have to accept all that.

Giving him a meal in return for what could be expensive work otherwise seems reasonable.

But it could also mean she's considering taking him back.

Two domestic set ups must be very cosy and convenient for him. But you haven't yet reached the point when your space is shared and him just walking in feels like a presumption, and intrusive. Especially on top of your unease.

Telling him to go away? It seems that's the clearest thing you've said to him over all this, a specific statement of your feelings and wants, and he's listened.

So what you need to do is talk to him, use your words, tell him exactly how you feel.

And ask him the same thing.

Be careful - as we know, they can and do lie.