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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner having take away with his ex

130 replies

Stresshead54321 · 26/05/2024 02:10

My partner has gone to his ex gfs today to help with DIY. They have a child together. He came to mine for a cuppa early evening and when I asked him what he’d done he said he’d done the DIY but also watched TV with his daughter and ex and they’d shared a take away together. I realise trust is a thing and I should be ok with it but hey ho. Here I am, feeling dubious. I knew he was going there to do DIY today (fitting a kitchen) and was cool with that as he explained, it’s giving a better life for his daughter but he told me when he came over that she made him a sausage sandwich at lunch and they shared a take away together this afternoon and watched the football. He also laid her flooring in her bedroom. I didn’t know this would happen. AIBU to feel annoyed? He walked in to mine for a cuppa late afternoon (we live only 3 miles apart) and I told him to leave and said “it’s a bit weird”
He normally messages a lot (too much) but tonight he’s gone silent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stresshead54321 · 26/05/2024 05:03

Just the manner in which it was done

OP posts:
cerisepanther73 · 26/05/2024 05:04

@Stresshead54321

🤔 you knew what you were getting into having a relantship with someone who has a child by a previous relantship,

It's definitely a good enough thing they get on reasonably OK,

believe me you only have to look on the posts on mumsnet threads which harp on how nasty some ex wifes or husband's can be,
Thank your lucky stars his ex wife is not like one of them like that, !!!
What a relief that is, !,

Can you amagine what life would be like for yourselves as a couple and family unit,
if she his ex was a extremely needy insecure immature bit/or a lot envious type of person especially in regards of yourselves,?

Of course as a reasonably decent person 🙄 and a mum to his daughter,
she wanted to thank him for helping to install her new kitchen cabinets in her home and foster goodwill as a family ,
by watching some boring 😴 footie match on TV,

It's also reasonably doing this your husband or partner lost track of the time and didn't report back to you like you are his parole officer or something..

I wonder who the unreasonable one in this kind of set up then is..
I think it's you...

marie3e · 26/05/2024 05:06

I'm going to ask my sister to look at this

Crumpetsssss · 26/05/2024 05:06

Stresshead54321 · 26/05/2024 04:58

I don’t like anyone just to walk in to my house. Knock and wait if I don’t have warning. Family are different but a very new partner, no he cannot just walk in and expect a cuppa.

This bit I totally agree with. DP does it at my house and I have to bite my tongue (because in other ways he’s wonderful). I get that it means he’s comfortable here and that’s great, but I don’t like it at all.

But that’s not what you asked about: you asked about the takeaway.

Crucially too, you asked ‘AIBU to be annoyed?’ and posters have answered that: yes, you are. If you’d come on and ranted, or asked for help to feel better about it , you’d have got different responses.

Beezknees · 26/05/2024 05:18

I'd be absolutely fine with this. It's great that they can get on well enough to do that, it's rare with coparenting. If he was sleeping over there regularly I'd be concerned but just having a takeaway? Nah.

CheekyHobson · 26/05/2024 05:36

Stresshead54321 · 26/05/2024 04:58

I don’t like anyone just to walk in to my house. Knock and wait if I don’t have warning. Family are different but a very new partner, no he cannot just walk in and expect a cuppa.

You seem not to have gotten the validation you wanted on what you perceived as your partner doing wrong (having a takeout with his ex after doing some work at her house) so now you have changed tack to a whole different complaint (walking into your house and making a cuppa with an overly confident air).

You sound like hard work THB.

If he’s such a new partner that he shouldn’t be walking into your house without waiting to be invited, maybe he’s too new for you to be getting up in arms about him helping out and spending a little time with his child’s mother.

OldTinHat · 26/05/2024 05:47

I hear what you're saying, OP.

I had an XP who would say 'how high?' when his ex said 'jump'. They had DC who he saw regularly and he also maintained the house that his XP owned with her now DH. They were never married. He also had a very close female friend that he regularly went out with.

I had a male friend, but apparently I was cheating.

We were together for about 3yrs but he decided I was cheating at the same time I was diagnosed with a chronic condition.

Anyway, I'm rambling! But I hear you!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/05/2024 05:52

Yabu it's ok that she fed him while he was doing diy for her and their child. However if you are generally worried and have picked up on other clues that they might be romantic with each other then that's a different issue

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/05/2024 05:53

Stresshead54321 · 26/05/2024 04:36

I am all for him spending time with his daughter. It’s lovely. And believe me I need the break for my own child and myself as it can all get a bit consuming sometimes. It’s what is right and know he should help out where he can for his daughter. I also like him doing DIY for the family and would be happy with that. Just the way he wafted in after being fed up by his ex in to mine and watching a football match the two of them (a new sort of confident, knock and walk in) annoyed me.
What I’m iffy about is him walking in to my house and telling me he’s shared a take away with his ex and done all this DIY and then proceeding to make himself a cuppa in a new sort of arrogance. Just left me startled.
To label me as insecure is very generic. I’m not normally at all. Just a new situation and hence why I’ve come here?

He probably felt proud of his job well done

Aubree17 · 26/05/2024 06:04

I think had he gone there for a takeaway and to watch the football then it would be weird.

If it was the child's birthday or a special occasion, then not so weird but I would expect you to be invited to if you've been in his life a reasonable amount of time.

In this case what I see was he was doing a job for her and she fed him as a thank you. In isolation I don't think it's a big deal but I would be weighing up the bigger picture. Do they spend a lot of time together? Chat everyday on the phone?

I'm all for amicable co parenting but there does need to be a realisation that things are over and they are no longer together. Playing happy families together is no longer part of the deal (especially if he expects a new relationship with someone else) and in my view just confuses children further. Dad needs his life, mum needs hers.

I understand why your upset but I do think they need to look at the bigger picture.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 26/05/2024 06:16

Stresshead54321 · 26/05/2024 04:58

I don’t like anyone just to walk in to my house. Knock and wait if I don’t have warning. Family are different but a very new partner, no he cannot just walk in and expect a cuppa.

Well no wonder he had dinner with his ex if he can’t even make a cup of tea at yours.

Shiningout · 26/05/2024 06:21

How can you arrograntly make a cup of tea?? And you're changing the reasons why you're pissed off at him now, it's confusing. And you say it's a very new relationship and yet admit your child needs the break from him sometimes - maybe you've moved far too quickly op!

Wingingit11 · 26/05/2024 06:33

He sounds like a good man with the right priorities. You sound like you’re trying to find issues as you’re narked he has spent time with his ex to be honest. And his daughter and all around her should be the most important relationship of his life.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/05/2024 06:40

The only part I agree with is walking into your house without knocking. He’s obviously dedicated to you if he walked 3 miles after working all day on the house, which is tiring.

KomodoOhno · 26/05/2024 06:41

I can see how it could make you feel hmmm.After my dd father and I split and thank God for that, he came over to put a bed desk combo together. I bought some sandwiches and we all ate. But it meant nothing it was just time to eat so we did. I wouldn't worry to much unless you see other signs too.

marie3e · 26/05/2024 06:41

I think people are missing that he was, smarmy ? OP

BarHumbugs · 26/05/2024 06:42

I think it would be far weirder if he spent the day doing DIY for his ex then she unceremoniously threw him out! "No, you can't spend any quality time with your daughter after doing all this for me (I assume for free) and you can get your own dinner now you're too knackered to cook."

35mph · 26/05/2024 06:43

What I’m iffy about is him walking in to my house and telling me he’s shared a take away with his ex and done all this DIY and then proceeding to make himself a cuppa in a new sort of arrogance. Just left me startled

A new sort of arrogance? He was probably just acting normal because he'd done nothing wrong. I imagine he had no idea it would startle you.

My ex and I were divorced 30 years ago and I still take him out for a curry on his birthday. It's an ages old tradition. It doesn't startle my husband. Mind, he'd be a bit pissed off if I didn't bring him a curry home.

Coconutter24 · 26/05/2024 06:44

“I feel the boundaries are being blurred and he should’ve messaged me during the day. He normally messages or calls a lot and today went very quiet.”

Would he not of been quiet because he was busy fitting a kitchen and laying a floor, if he was texting during that it would take twice as long! You say he’s a new partner, how new? Weeks, months? If you don’t like people just walking in then lock the door so they can’t.

cryinglaughing · 26/05/2024 06:46

This sounds like more of a you problem than a him problem.

Shared experiences 😂, he was doing DIY. She repaid that kind by feeding him. What was be meant to do, shovel food into his mouth between banging in nails, or sit down and eat?

If you have a problem him walking into your house, lock your doors.
I am not surprised he's gone quiet on you, doesn't seem he can do right from wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️

SuncreamAndIceCream · 26/05/2024 06:47

I dunno. Would he spend all day fitting a kitchen in your house & laying a floor in your bedroom?

There is amicable and there is taking the piss. This is the kind of stuff you do for a partner or your own house, not someone who is an ex no matter how well you get on.

It's good he gets on with his ex but I'm not sure I'd be ok with this either.

TheTartfulLodger · 26/05/2024 06:49

Stresshead54321 · 26/05/2024 04:58

I don’t like anyone just to walk in to my house. Knock and wait if I don’t have warning. Family are different but a very new partner, no he cannot just walk in and expect a cuppa.

Wait a week or so then read your posts again. To be fair it sounds like he probably can't win with you whatever he does or doesn't do. You clearly have issues with trust.

renomeno · 26/05/2024 06:51

How long have you been together? By using the term partner I assume it's a while and the relationship is a partnership so would have no problem with him coming in and making himself a cup of tea etc... if it's a new relationship I guess it's different!

pinkdelight · 26/05/2024 06:52

What I’m iffy about is him walking in to my house and telling me he’s shared a take away with his ex and done all this DIY and then proceeding to make himself a cuppa in a new sort of arrogance. Just left me startled.

Nope, still not seeing the issue. You don't want him to feel at ease in your house and your pissed off he feels at ease in ex's house. The messaging expectation is ott too. This is an insecurity thing and you're never going to trust him and are already getting annoyed by how he makes a cup of tea. Just end it and have all the time you want with your DC instead of wasting it overthinking and worry about this stuff.

daisychain01 · 26/05/2024 06:54

Stresshead54321 · 26/05/2024 03:44

He’s started to lay a floor for his ex in her bedroom. Partway through sorting the kitchen. Take-away together, watching TV together. I think spending these shared experiences as a Unit feels distressing.
I am all of good parent-child relationships as we both have children from past relationships and my son sees his Dad regularly but it’s a bit more clear cut.
I feel the boundaries are being blurred and he should’ve messaged me during the day. He normally messages or calls a lot and today went very quiet.

You need to think about your boundaries and where they lie, not be influenced by people's boundaries on here, which vary enormously from "meh, what are you worried about" through "I bet it wasn't just flooring he was laying in her bedroom!"

you don't like the feelings that are coming up, knowing he's round at his ex having takeways and playing happy families.

Go with how you feel, he's hardly making you feel a great deal of confidence. If you feel like he'll be telling you they've decided to give their relationship another try, then that's probably because of the vibes he's giving you through his behaviour.

he doesn't sound like a catch to me, but then again I've seen too many situations like this with excessively blurred boundaries. If she can afford a new kitchen and flooring she can afford to get it installed by a fitter, but she's chosen her ex instead, how convenient.