Another mum telling my child off

[WarriorPrincess24]

Took DS (2) and step son (6) to soft play this afternoon. Step son is quite happy to run off and play. My 2 year old though really struggles and he does have some delays and he much prefers to play on his own. I was really proud of him today before this incident because usually when we go he doesn't approach the soft play area and usually wanders about, playing with the balls and just generally entertaining himself, usually he cries and gets upset if I try to force him into the soft play bit. Anyway, he managed to go into th soft play bit and there's like a little ladder you can climb and sit on, he was happily climbing and stopping etc a little girl came and slid down, she could see DS was there but regardless just crashed straight into him (I'd say she was around 6/7 so considerable old enough to have some manners) she crashed straight into him and then shoved him, DS regained his balance and he just smacked her right in th face 😳 and she roared her eyes out. Fair enough, he shouldn't have done that. Before I had chance to get over there the little girls mum shot over there, grabbed my son by the arm and tanked him off the ladder and shouted at him. I was FUMING. Ordinarily I would hav apologies for my son's actions but I didn't and I went mad. Asked her who she thinks she is touching my son and she has no right to be shouting at a two year old. She didn't say anything but gave me dirty looks the rest of the time. DH is annoyed at me because he reckons that I would have been the same had it been the other way around and that I had no right to say anything to this other mum. AIBU?
Just to add, DS has some delays and after his 2 year review they are looking at getting us some support because it's clear he has a development delay and possibly could be on the spectrum for ASD. He genuinely doesn't understand that he is hurting when he smacks, I think because he can't talk it's his way of expression. I'm not making excuses for him, I know he shouldn't have hit the little girl but in a way I feel like he just reacted in one of the only ways he knows how. Hope this makes sense.

I haven't read the full thread but her 6 year old hurt your toddler then she put her hands on him too. If have gone mental. Yanbu.

I’m shocked at anyone defending the other mum! I don’t believe for a second this is the first softplay incident that would have occurred to her child at the age of 6/7 - she needs to get a grip - her daughter was in the baby area and knew what she doing, and whilst she didn’t deserve to get hit, she provoked. OPs son is not even two.

That said, and I think you realise this now OP, you need to be on your kid like shit on a stick at that age. It is hard to get the balance right - I can see you want to afford him some independence, but softplays are not the place when he is that young and prone to lashing out.

I have previously spoken to children that have hit or shoved my daughter, but have not touched any of them. Often times you can't see them all of the time in a soft play, but depending on the venue and how busy you can often tell if there is a child that is being rough to others. The other mum was out of order to touch your son in that way. If she thought he was going to hit her daughter again she should have stood between them or moved her daughter out of reach. At 6 or 7 she is old enough to know that she shouldn't be crashing into other children, especially when they are much younger than she is. From the perspective of your son, he was bumped into by an older child, so he was defending himself by hitting back - he could have thought she was going to hurt him again.

Yes in hindsight I can see it probably wasn't the wisest choice to pick this time to think I was doing him a favour by allowing his some independence and confidence building.

For future reference, that's far too far!

Without mobility issues you should have been in the frame with him. If not a quick mover you should have been in arms reach at all times. Definitely not sat at a table outside. Good grief.

He's not even 2 yet, you know he sometimes lashes out, and you are concerned about possible delays. You need to be next to him like a limpet, not trying to build independence!

##people with kids who lready know their kids can do stuff like this need to be nearer the kid and not let others so their work

The other mum was wrong to shout but the OP should have been much closer as she full well knows the behaviour of her child

Well if someone violently grabbed me I would have every right to have them done for assault. But laws don't protect two year olds? My children are teenagers now so I don't have to deal with this but if someone had "yanked" my children anywhere at age two I would have lamped them.

I’d smack someone if they shoved me! Poor lad

You sound like a lovely mum. I have been there (son with asd now 8)

I never wanted to be a helicopter parent but sadly had to become one. I used to narrate what he was doing and constantly anticipate what could happen (eg. If you were close you could have seen the girl come to the slide and preempted what could have happened) removed son or gently blocked girl from crashing into him.

Id be constantly with my son saying things like…

”You’re climbing up the steps now, the girl is coming down, let’s step to the side.
This boy will go down the slide first, then it’s our go…”

It was an exhausting time but very successful I only had one time when my son was on a play bus and I momentarily got distracted- Suddenly a granddad was shouting aggressively “you naughty little boy” etc. and was about to grab my sons arm- I immediately stepped in to block him and calmly asked what was happening- apparently he wouldn’t let his granddaughter come onto the bus (didn’t hurt her or anything- just told her to stay off) until he’d finished playing I guess.

It really shook me up. And never again.
The woman’s reaction to you and your son is totally out of line and some people can’t be reasoned with. So I would just suggest even if he looks like he is doing well don’t relax - things can happen in the split of a second.

My son is 8 now and does absolutely fantastically in these places and has done for a long time. Good luck!

It takes a village saying has a different meaning than getting physical with other people's kids

If you have a child you know lashes out at others, you should be right alongside him playing, not supervising from nearby that means another parent would get to him first. Especially at his age.

It’s so hard having a child with additional needs, but you have to protect both him and others around him.

Normally I'd say of course - discipline your son (so many don't).
However, he's 2! It happens. She had no right to grab your child. That's assault.

I don't even think this is about additional needs. Who leaves their one year old in soft play and goes and sits down at a table?

This

As former nursery worker and nanny I can tell you I've handled similar incidents some children are like that they'll dish it out but when they get it back cry their eyes out. Never underestimate a child and what they'll do or react.

@WarriorPrincess24 YANBU and I think you're unfairly getting a bad time off other posters for a start the other child shouldn't have been in the area that is for under 3's and HER MOTHER should have been supervising her she could have really hurt your son doing that but to then shove him as well I'm sorry but thats not on a child that age should know better than a toddler. As for the mother she was massively out of line I would have gone apeshit too shouting at him was bad enough but actually putting her hands on him is assault he is not her child and she should have taught her daughter some manners and to be gentle with younger childen no prizes for guessing why the other child behaved that way if that is the example the mother sets, I bet the mother is the type who's child is an angel and can do no wrong I've come across them many times. Don't beat yourself up OP your son will learn eventually a lot of toddlers go through the lashing out phase its normal and more common than you think at least you're actually trying to do something I've seen some parents not bother

I’ve told off children many a time in soft play OP, but there’s a way to do it. I’ve never touched a child, let alone grabbed them, I just crouch down and explain l that their behaviour isn’t kind etc. if a parent doesn’t arrive to intervene I will be the adult that does. You had every right to be fuming, I absolutely would be too. My youngest had developmental delays too (now learning difficulties) and he’s autistic so when he was much smaller he was non verbal and struggled to express himself so I completely understand but I think you need to watch him like a hawk in these types of situations.

I think I’d have been tempted to launch the other mum through the ceiling in your position, so I think you were actually very restrained. There’s a reason why 5+ and toddlers have different play areas. She shouldn’t have been in there, let alone pushing him. And, quite frankly, I don’t think I’d be upset with him for clumping her. Maybe she’ll think twice the next time she’s considering whether to shove someone half her size.

Having said that, you should have been in there with him, or at least on the floor near him. There are always older kids wandering into the babies section and not being mindful of the younger kids. And if he’s got a tendency to hit out when he’s frustrated, then you should have been there making sure he wasn’t lashing out at another baby who wasn’t old enough to know better. Two year olds can be irrational little buggers at the best of times and I think you were crediting him with having more of an ability to restrain himself than any two year old would have, and as a result, you’ve both had a horrible experience.

It can't be both ways that he's still just a baby, but no other adult should ever touch him as he's not their child. He can be lifted down to be stopped when something's happened they needs sorting.

And other adults should be able to step in to deal with behaviour. It's not just for a parent, because plenty of others are affected by kids, whether immediately (as in this situation) or indirectly later down the line when they haven't learned to conduct themselves properly.

She was completely wrong to grab your son.

There's only 1 reason she did that while she was fuming and that's for the intimidation factor.

Its obvious your child hit out because they lack the ability to communicate otherwise, and they had been frustrated by the young girl and I know the young girl is probably tok young to fully understand that.

In future you need to be closer to him, if not to stop him getting to the point of hitting out, but to stop other mums from deciding to assault your child.

I don't think it would get any where if you reported it to the police as a pp said but this was an assault, and you should do anything in your power otherwise to protect DS in future.

Do you mean you didn't go over straight away when you saw you'd chikd smack another in the face?
My 2 year old climbs up slides the wrong way, as soon as I see another child wanting to go down the slide, I hope over straight away and move my DC out of the way. You should have went over straight away. You should also be beside your son if he is known to hit. No question about that.

This !

2 yo smacks a 6 yo? I wonder what her face was doing so close to his hand?? She would be taller, out of range.
in any event, she hurt him first.
mother is a cow & that apple did not fall far from the tree

2 year olds don’t really play with each other, they play alongside.

2 yrs old, I think smack back when hurt is within realm of possible responses.

Delays at 2, are hardly noticeable but do spend time with him, find “social stories” to talk through how to behave. Use little toy people to create the scene and correct responses. Recommended are basic doll house, little people for “representative” play, showing how to do things in real life. Gentle hands etc.

I have an almost 3 year old and a 7 year old. I do stay with my youngest at softplay but mostly because she is still pretty fragile. I really can't imagine my 2 year old being strong enough to hurt a 6 year old. Nor can I imagine any of my eldest friends treating a 2 year old so roughly. I would imagine the kid is abit of a Veruca Salt and consequently a massive drama llama, all caused by the Mums parenting. As PPs have said, supervise closer in future but seriously don't worry about it.

I'd imagine lots of children may lash out at a child that has just hurt them. So when people say, you should be supervising closer, are those people also following their children around. Even when much older?

The woman should absolutely not have touched your child. No excuses. But you were not close enough to ‘get there first’ but then also claim the woman didn’t see it but somehow got there before you did despite you saying you were supervising closely. Your child is known to hit other children, you cannot let him out of arm’s length. Or you need to start attending specific sessions for ND children where parents will be much more understanding.

Was your dh there too?

It sounds like you carried on with the session after this ? Which personally i wouldnt have done - he just slapped a kid in the face he should have been taken home (or at least hopefully you were then constantly with him??

What did you actually say to him? And would you have moved him away from the girl if the mum hadnt intervened?

Obviously sounds like the girl was wrong. But did she possibly ask him to move or expect him to and he didnt pick up the cues?

Also (sorry) but being close by will help his development all the 'no dont do that' etc etc

Maybe the mum moved him if he didnt move away as i would expect most kids to move away after hitting someone.

The kid shouldnt have been in the area so i probably would have reminded the mum of that. As its because older kids are too rough.

Hopefully your ds can enjoy it more when its less busy.

I doubt you could have stopped a slap anyway as kids react so fast andunless it is very persistebt behaviour its unexpected.

Abyway would be interesting to see
If being shouted at and removed from the situation means your dc is less likely to hit?
And for the girl whether bashing into younger kids stops as she might realise they can hit her.though realistically both of those effects are probably dampened by their parents reactions.
I would have said to the girl well look if you push someone they may push/hit back - and harder.

As you can see if its your kid hitting they get blamed even if the other kid dud something first. At school age the never borhered finding out what happened first. And never corrected children for saying anything.
Nursery are unlikely to be able to get between kids with hitted (or biting) as so many kids there