To consider pulling out of being MOH less than a fortnight before wedding?

[Rolomania]

Been best friends with the soon to be bride for well over 10 years. She’s always had a gob on her, putting her foot in it and is very opinionated. She has a lot of great qualities about her, which is why she is my best friend despite having to tell her to keep her opinions to herself sometimes.

I am her maid of honour in 12 days time… she has 2 other bridesmaids.

She has in my opinion taken it too far this time, and spread her judgemental opinions onto our other friend who is currently grieving a very close relative. To her face, other friend absolutely devastated with the lack of compassion and walked out.

I told best friend her comments were nasty and she seems not to care, said she can’t be bothered with someone dimming her shine with grief whilst she’s trying to focus on the wedding.

I just feel like pulling out of being maid of honour and telling her I’ve put up with some opinions from her for the last 10 years, but she’s taken it too far.

But because wedding is in 12 days, everything paid for, my dress, make up hair etc I just feel awful.

What would you do. I feel stuck

I'm in the pull out and block camp. Nasty piece of work

Three things..

1. You say your friend has always 'had a gob on her'. It really doesn't reflect well on you that you have remained friends with her for 10 years despite her obviously being a nasty piece of work. Something to think about maybe?

1. If you stay as MOH the wedding day is going to be horrendous . There will be rows and accusations. This isn't something you can 'just get through '.

1. You need to show solidarity with your poor grieving friend. Do the right think, choose the correct person to remain in contact with.

All in all, there's no plus side in remaining MOH. At best your grieving friend will get a reluctant non apology from this awful bride.

Ditch the horror, and choose better friends in future.

I've read the rest.

It would be done for me.

@CheeseWisely what happened with your friend? Hope you're okay.

I have long felt those who refer to themselves as 'opinionated' or 'telling it as it is' are in fact thick idiots lacking in the many qualities that make a person likeable.

I would not be her MOH and would tell her why before blocking without a backward glance.

Sounds like you pulling out would be natural justice. Fuck her.

FWIW I have a friend I used to be really close to. When my mother was dying our mutual 'friend' told me I should STFU because everyone had lost someone, she had lost her husband 7 years before. This is a woman who mentions being widowed in EVERY conversation. I am still friends with my friend, but we are not nearly as close because its hard for me to forget she felt the bitch 'friend' was 'just being herself' and I was being unreasonable for not accepting her being so nasty. It meant a lot when other people called out the behaviour.

What an unforgivable thing to say.

I would not be attending her wedding.

I would get on with it as it's far too late now to pull out. After the big day if she continues to be a pain tell her you're not putting up with her nonsense any longer. Or don't say anything just start distancing yourself.

I would say be MoH then deal with it later, but tbh I'd be glaring at her all day and creating an atmosphere.
She needs to sort this, make the necessary apologies, be accountable. If she's not willing to dobthat then I think I'd either cancel or be MoH and leave after the service or meal.

I would be done also.

@Rolomania , I think the bride has conditioned you with her unkind “opinions” to not know what an opinion shared between two friends should be. If this thread is an example, then she just makes nasty, cruel comments, and let me guess, follows up with, “That’s just my opinion though,” or tries to follow it up with a laugh? It doesn’t work like that. You don’t get to be cruel to people and laugh it off. Saying it’s your “opinion” doesn’t make it hurt them less.

She doesn’t have to SAY everything in her head. Maybe a few people would be a bit saddened that their friend will be grieving at their wedding BUT they’d keep that inside their heads and accept that it’s part of life and they’d want understanding friends when the shoe’s on the other foot. And NO ONE knows when that will be.

I just hate people who do that. Share something horrible and nasty and end it by somehow saying it’s just their opinion or try to laugh. Oh, ok, totally forgiven then??? No! It still wrecks friendships, because then what? You (as a third party) either agree with the person who said the shitty thing or you’re on the outside, too. Your grieving friend reached a limit - she was essentially told by the bride, “I’m getting married, and if you can’t put your grieving on hold, then you’re a selfish person who can’t be happy for me.” I get that maybe this IS an opinion, but at its heart, isn’t it just a horrific, cruel thing to say?!? And now here you are, having to choose sides.

If you’re not even speaking to bride friend, don’t be MOH. Just pull out with minimum of drama, block her, and move on with your life.

Do whatever, she is going to win anyway.
If you don't go she will play victim and will shine amongst all brides. If you go she will have her shine as planned before.
If I were you as my word was to be bridesmaid I would go at keep her at arms length for the rest of my life.
But is up to you, whatever you do she is not going to learn any lesson of it.

I cannot believe what I am reading. What an immature POS. I am so sorry for your friend and her mum. Pull out OP.

I cut my cousin out of my life in similar circumstances. Not only did she leave my uncle (her dad) in hospital in a serious condition and not update us, but she merrily continued with wedding and hen do plans when our beloved gran died in agony. No joke, she uploaded pics to instagram saying #livingmybestlife 4 days after her death. I wrote underneath ‘nice to see you picking out tarty clothes to go and celebrate yourself in. Today I chose an outfit for our gran to wear in her coffin.
Haven’t spoken since. What a weight off me.

Trying to make her apologise is a pointless empty gesture. If she does it will just because the wedding is imminent, not because she actually gives a shit. She has already made it clear she's not sorry. As others have said she is not "opinionated", she is cruel and lacking in empathy. People like that do not change their ways unless they see real consequences for their actions.

I would text the following:

Your Bridesmaids are supposed to be your best friends, not just props for your wedding pictures. What you said to X about her stepdad was horrible, and you're not even sorry. I just don't think we can get past this and I'm not going to be MOH for someone who isn't even speaking to me. I will send the dress back to you.

Then I would block the bitch and plan something really nice to do with my grieving friend on the day of the wedding instead.

don't blame her. how insensitive can you be! if I had such a close family member pass away so close to a wedding, I wouldn't even attend!

Thing is if you do it out of duty and the fall out/distance yourself from her you’ll be in wedding photos etc. I’d tell her that due to her being so insensitive and cruel I’d not be wanting to be part of her day. Save any long term awkwardness.

Wouldn’t give a shit about the money she’s (hopefully) spent. I’d pull out and never talk to her again, she’s behaved appallingly.

In support of your friend I think you should cut contact with the bride if you want to continue be friends with her and support her through her loss. Wedding or not you do not act so nasty to a friend that you supposedly value the friendship of that you have them in your wedding party. To be so rude and cutting to a friend grieving is disgusting and you can't think it's acceptable or you wouldn't be asking the question!

That’s really bad behaviour.

She can get married without bridesmaids or a maid of honour tbh, I would not have forgiven her for that.

exactly this. often the people around such nasty people indirectly become their enablers by not confronting them or remaining friends with them hence reinforcing their internal belief that their nasty opinions/selfishness is valid. hence they carry on their behaviour, and often escalate.
not blaming OP here. it is something that is very common.

I don’t blame her. I would do the same if I were you.

No way could I be MOH for someone after they’d said such hurtful things to someone they are supposed to love and care about. Friends should be there to support each other. Her wedding is just one day and she should be looking after her grieving friend.

My mum died a few weeks before my best friend’s wedding. She was with me as soon as she heard and cared for me and my family. Not once she she say anything about how it would affect her wedding and mum was supposed to be doing a reading on the day. She only had the one reading in the end as she didn’t want to replace my mum and pretend she was forgotten. We all had a drink for mum in the morning before the service. That is how friendship is supposed to be…

You are the company you keep.

Everyone will know you support your despicable friend if you do this.

She sounds like a heartless cow. Don't think I could be friends with someone who lacks compassion and empathy. It's not about being 'too sensitive.' It's about being human.

Like a PP has said, I would tell her she needs to apologise to other friend, or else I won't be attending the wedding.