To consider pulling out of being MOH less than a fortnight before wedding?

[Rolomania]

Been best friends with the soon to be bride for well over 10 years. She’s always had a gob on her, putting her foot in it and is very opinionated. She has a lot of great qualities about her, which is why she is my best friend despite having to tell her to keep her opinions to herself sometimes.

I am her maid of honour in 12 days time… she has 2 other bridesmaids.

She has in my opinion taken it too far this time, and spread her judgemental opinions onto our other friend who is currently grieving a very close relative. To her face, other friend absolutely devastated with the lack of compassion and walked out.

I told best friend her comments were nasty and she seems not to care, said she can’t be bothered with someone dimming her shine with grief whilst she’s trying to focus on the wedding.

I just feel like pulling out of being maid of honour and telling her I’ve put up with some opinions from her for the last 10 years, but she’s taken it too far.

But because wedding is in 12 days, everything paid for, my dress, make up hair etc I just feel awful.

What would you do. I feel stuck

I was unsure until I read what she'd said to bridesmaid.

I'd say:

To (Bride from hell,
After your recent disgusting comments to grieving friend and your refusal of an apology, I've realised I can no longer have someone so heartless in my life.
I won't be coming to your wedding nor will we be speaking again.
Bye

Why are you friends with someone so foul?
I'd cut her out of my life right away, no wedding, no future contact.
Then I'd review my values and my friendship circle and check they still align.

She’s so wrapped up in the day.. thing is it’s just a day…. One day ….. she’s literally lost the plot with reality over her wedding. You need to message her and say she’s got to apologise or you can do it…. It’s simple really

“I told best friend her comments were nasty and she seems not to care, said she can’t be bothered with someone dimming her shine with grief whilst she’s trying to focus on the wedding.”

I am speechless, it doesn’t get nastier and more selfish than that.
I agree with a pp who said you tell her to apologise or your friendship and your role of MOH is over.
I’d drop her whichever way it goes, such a nasty minded person.

I did for a moment think it was a misguided attempt at dark humour but given what she said after to you and now isn’t speaking to you it clearly isn’t.

Over the years I have learned not to reward bad behaviour so I wouldn’t be going and would be supporting grieving friend instead. I would let her know now if that is what you decide to do and I would be drawing a line firmly under this friendship.

I'd pull out. Her wedding isn't all that important.

I often see it said that people turn into Bridezilla's. No, they don't. They are narcissistic a**holes to begin with.

Literally no one gives two craps about your wedding. People have their own lives and their own very real concerns.

Tell her to go f**k herself. Horrible behaviour. How could you stand there and make a speech about her.

What a horror. She would no longer be my friend and I’d not be going to the wedding.

Could still being a bridesmaid sour your relationship with the grieving friend?
Would it come across as you supporting the bride and therefore agreeing with what she said being okay?

It's no where near as cruel as what the bride to be has done!

It's simply a consequence of her appalling behaviour.

that is absolutely disgusting behaviour. Id be blocking her on all platforms and go see your friend who is suffering grief and be with her.

Your 'friend' is a nasty, cold, uncaring bitch.

Well said. Weddings dont turn otherwise lovely people into absolute bitches. Sure, people get caught up in the arrangements but it doesnt turn them nasty and cruel.

I can guarantee this "friend" has been repulsive for a long time, but people either chose to ignore it or laugh it off as in "thats just what she's like tee tee!" However, now she's gone too far and everyone is all WTF? - she's always been like this, it's just that before it was easier to brush it off or excuse it but now its so in your face and the words so disgusting you cant laugh it off or excuse it any more without you also appearing vile and uncaring.

I dont know why you were ever friends with this human piece of garbage. Look back, and I bet you'll find similar behaviour and similar patterns through the years from her only this time it's too awful and obvious to keep denying. If you continue with being her MOH then you really are no better than her.

Either way op, you need to tell her, ie you’re coming or you’re not.

She's genuinely horrible.

I opened the thread with an open mind and having read what she said to your friend, plus her history of selfish and hurtful remarks in general, I would be ending my friendship with her and as a consequence backing out of attending the wedding let alone being MOH.

Your other friend would be so hurt to see everyone celebrating the 'special' day of someone who had been so callous to her at a terrible, terrible time of grief.

I couldn't bear the thought of photos looking like I was supporting a bully.

Don't feel obliged just because it's late in the day. Some things aren't forgivable.

Really hope your other friend is ok bless her.

Whew, that's a bit much! I'm normally in the "grit teeth, do the thing, then distance self" camp but you'd not be unreasonable to sack it all off if she's being like that

I tend to agree with this approach. The dress/hair/makeup is all a sunk cost. Whether you use them or not does nt matter.

The question is: can you really bear to be a prop to this horrid bridezilla on her inevitably imperfect day? She will attack you for any perceived imperfections because she is built like that.

Make her an offer she will refuse: apologize to the friend in mourning. Don’t give any ultimatum. Let her “punish” you by firing you. Then she has no one to blame but herself.

Doesn't sound like an apology would be welcomed by the grieving friend, understandably. I'd leave it for bride to get in touch with you. Let her stew for at least a few days and see what she comes up with.

Are you good friends with the other bridesmaid? I'd you are, I'd say something. If the bride sticks to what she said, I'd step down.

It’s not a race to the bottom. If the op decides not to be her moh she needs to do the decent thing and tell her, she doesn’t get to be a right bitch in return.

I have been where your friend is. It is awful. Some people voiced how disgusted they were with the equivalent of bridezilla who felt I should just shut up when I was dealing with my mothers last illness and death. It blew a lot of friendships apart. I dont think I could MOH for someone who behaves like this.

You keep describing her as ‘opinionated’. She’s not opinionated — opinionated is when you’re prepared to argue yourself blue in the face that Dune 2 is better than Dune 1, or that Jacob Rees-Mogg is misunderstood. In this instance at least, she’s been cruel to someone bereaved

Yeah this is true. Opinionated is when you insist upon your opinions on a range of generic topics, its not telling one of your friends to get over their grief because STFU my wedding is more important than the loss of your parent and all parents die anyway so deal with it. Thats not opinionated, thats absolutely horrific.

If you go to her wedding you are basically sending her the message that its ok for her to bully others.

Back your friend

pull out of the wedding.

If the friendship is over I'd pull out. Why waste another second in the heartless woman?

If you think it can be salvaged I'd go.

She is sounding very immature with her shine dimming bollocks. As well as clearly very cruel.

I didn't suggest being a right bitch at all, @Sillystrumpet. Simply that the bride created the problem so it’s reasonable to give her some time to come up with a solution. It's not OP's problem to solve.

That isn’t opinionated. That’s self absorbed and nasty.