To consider pulling out of being MOH less than a fortnight before wedding?

[Rolomania]

Been best friends with the soon to be bride for well over 10 years. She’s always had a gob on her, putting her foot in it and is very opinionated. She has a lot of great qualities about her, which is why she is my best friend despite having to tell her to keep her opinions to herself sometimes.

I am her maid of honour in 12 days time… she has 2 other bridesmaids.

She has in my opinion taken it too far this time, and spread her judgemental opinions onto our other friend who is currently grieving a very close relative. To her face, other friend absolutely devastated with the lack of compassion and walked out.

I told best friend her comments were nasty and she seems not to care, said she can’t be bothered with someone dimming her shine with grief whilst she’s trying to focus on the wedding.

I just feel like pulling out of being maid of honour and telling her I’ve put up with some opinions from her for the last 10 years, but she’s taken it too far.

But because wedding is in 12 days, everything paid for, my dress, make up hair etc I just feel awful.

What would you do. I feel stuck

My 22 year old son died 2 years ago this week and I was just starting to get back to a bit of normality and then 12 weeks ago I lost my fiancé and it floored me tbh and it was 3 weeks before a close relatives birthday so I thought I will go because it will do me good to be around family and it would be the first time in over 25 years that all of my siblings would be together at the same time so I really couldn't miss it. Nobody reached out to me during those 3 weeks and I have never felt so alone in all my life 😢 7 siblings and 2 parents who obviously felt uncomfortable having to be around me while grieving a second loss. We are a pretty close family but honestly it was bizarre, no problems with them or my fiancé or any reason to just (what seemed like) ignoring me (I did get a Temu request thing via text from one of them though lol) anyway long story short I didn't go to the fucking party because I was so angry and hurt and I told my mother that it was kind of the final straw for me so I hope they all have a lovely time but as for me I'm not getting involved. I would 100% pull out of being MOH and I would tell her to stick her wedding up her arse 🤨 what a thoughtless self absorbed twat your so called friend is and I hope it pisses down on her special day and she slips in dog shit. I do realise that I'm maybe being irrational because of my own recent losses but fuck her and fuck her wedding

Wow. She's just an awful human being. I would hate to have someone like that as a "friend".

I was going to say suck it up for one day. But that comment for me would be a friendship wrecker. I couldn't do anything for someone with so little empathy.

What a hateful, vile, nasty and malicious person she is OP, how have you lowered yourself to be friends with such an abhorrent person for so long? I don't care if she has her 'fun' moments, she is absolutely abhorrent and almost sociopathic with her lack of empathy. She will end up alienating every single friend she's ever had soon. I would have nothing more to do with her and I would block her on every social media/phone/email.

Derail the thread? I'm completely on topic. Do you know what derail the thread means? It means to change the conversation to be something different. It doesn't mean share alternative perspectives on the same situation. Which is the whole point of a discussion forum.

And no, that wasn't what I was about to say at all. I ask because sometimes when someone has been through something awful it can make them quite tough on similar issues eg if she's lost a parent as a young child and just had to handle it, and then (perceives) an adult making the loss of a step parent later in life out to be a major tragedy, that can be grating for some people. Whether you agree with that or not is by the by. It's a normal and fairly common human reaction. So that's why I was curious, because it could help explain the friends behaviour. Or it might not be that, she might just be really strange and insensitive. Thats why I said I was curious.

I'm so sorry for your losses @Ihopeithinkiknow

"Stooped low??

So the bride didn’t stoop low when she got mad at the friend for her step dad dying?

Wow. "@browneyes77

Huh? I wrote "also stooped low"... obviously the bride has stooped low here.

The reading comprehension on this thread...

Wow.

How has the OP stooped low in any way, though?

Glad you are okay @CheeseWisely

@Ihopeithinkiknow i am so sorry for your losses and that your family are being so rubbish.

I don't have any family and are devastated that only 3 of STBEH relatives have contacted me since we split to say anything at all. I've given so much to them so this hurts.

I don’t think I would have withdrawn as MoH with 2 weeks to go because I would have had plenty of time (years?) to have the measure of the friend’s behaviour and would have said no from the off.

The fact that your friend went too far this time suggests something else going on. I would have asked her if she was ok and said that what she said to the other friend wasn’t ok for me. But I would still have carried through with the role I had committed to.

(Bracibg myself for the avalanche of chastisement)

Bloody hell.

There are two very stressful situations at play here; the bereavement and the wedding. I would get through the wedding and try to get the bereaved friend back involved if possible. Once all the dust has settled, and emotions aren't running high, talk it through calmly with the bride. If she still doesn't see she has been unreasonable, that is the time to end the friendship.

Be true to herself and grieving friend pull out and make her realise there are consequences to her disposable actions The more you all put up with her outrageous behaviour the worse it gets as you have seen !

@TanteEule Read all of the OP's posts. She's tried talking to the bride, bride has doubled and tripled down. She genuinely does not at all see she has done nothing wrong, and doesn't care that OP has quit as MOH.

Just read your update WELL DONE!

We all say things we regret, either in jest, because we are stressed, in the heat of the moment, or because we haven’t the social awareness to think of the right thing to say at the time. To pull out of being MOH now would be a deliberate act of cruelty towards someone who has been your friend for ten years. Do it for the sake of the happy times you have shared. There’s no need to stay close after the wedding. Many friendships change once one of the parties gets married.

Give her the choice instead:

"Best friend, your comments to xxx were completely out of line and you have really upset her. I get that you can be opinionated but you've gone far too far this time.

I understand that your wedding is going to be a big and important day in your life and after that you can look forward to married/family life but xxx will carry this grief forever and will never have that person in her life again.

Please put yourself in her shoes and put things in perspective - you don't need to be cruel nor have others see you as a Bridezilla.

You're going to have to apologise otherwise I'm not sure I can be your MOH. I am really excited to be chosen for that role in your wedding but simply cannot sit back and just accept that level of cruelty and nastiness.

Xxx is grieving, just tell her you've been stressed over the wedding, apologise and make it right so we can all move forward"

i don’t feel the op has the moral high ground here because they have tolerated this behaviour for 10 years but suddenly pull out of the friend’s wedding with just over a week to go when they could go to the wedding and still support the grieving friend. The friend who says they don’t care may be putting on a front. They obviously rated op very highly to give them that role. Perhaps op is one of the few people they trust? I have come to understand that nothing is what it seems on the surface. Very few people are vile scum.

Since you are already not talking I’d just walk away.

We certainly don't all say such nasty things even in the heat of the moment.

OP has pulled out of being MOH and good for her. No way on earth should she change her mind about that.

If the bride is unhappy tough shit.

So so sorry for your losses ❤️ xx

Or she could just cancel the cheque

I mean the fact that you think OP has ‘stooped low’ tells me your reading comprehension is what’s off.