Please help - boys' dad is being awful over their hobby

[OhMoreDrama]

Partner and I split about 18mo ago. We have two boys together, one nine, one six. They have been going horse riding since last summer. The lessons take place on a sat afternoon - this is part of the issue. I pick them up from their dad's, take them riding and drop them back off. It's usually about three hours on an afternoon.

Their dad picks them up on a Friday evening and drops them back off on a Sunday afternoon. I never have them on a weekend and do all of the school runs, appointments and so on by myself. Their dad literally does not see them at all unless it's between 4pm Friday and 4pm Sunday. This is his choice - he lives about fifteen minutes away and could easily see them in the week but refuses because he's been at work.

The arrangement means I have very little free time to do fun stuff with them - I'm literally just doing the routine stuff, maybe with a visit to the park or beach after school if the weather is decent. I work too so drop them off at breakfast club at 7am then pick them up from after school club at 4pm which means I have 4 hours to feed, bathe, do any homework and then get them to bed at 8pm. I feel like I barely get to see them!

He's now being absolutely awful about me taking them riding in "his time" - I have tried and tried to find lessons after school but there's nowhere in my area doing group lessons through the week - it's just private and would be £100 per week rather than £40 for weekend lessons. They boys also find it too much after a long day at school.

I have a been called a cunt, a fucking bitch, told he's going to take me to court for sole custody, that I'm a terrible person and a terrible mother, and more. I also "don't do anything for the boys" and he sorts everything out. That's just this week too.

I'm so utterly fed up with it now that I feel like just giving in and stopping the lessons but they really love it and it's helping so much with their confidence and physically too.

I'm sorry, I've written all of this and I'm not quite sure what my question is - aibu to want to be able to do an activity with my kids even though it's in their dad's time?

Quick thought-could Ex take them?

Oh lawd, sounds like you are married to my ex!! Exact same things with him. He would tell them they didn't have to come every weekend but the 1 time they tried he took the kids somewhere special just to be spiteful. I would keep taking them since it's the only time you have to do something special for them

i don’t see much “quick” in that post!

I only wrote one line!

think about it….

clue: there’s 14 pages of posts

What the hell?!!! Don’t let him treat you this way! Stop sending them and he can take you to court if he wants to see them. Unfair on the children I do appreciate that but that’s what I would do if I was getting this from my child’s Dad.

You need to involve the court I think. This custody arrangement is not good for you or the boys.

Have you kept contemporaneous notes of the name calling?

What happens for school holidays?

Imagine refusing to see your kids because you have been at work. I am rolling my eyes so hard, they hurt.

Just say he can have them from
after their lesson on Saturday and he has to bring them back Sunday evening by 7pm. Swing this as it gives him a Friday night every week to go for drinks etc and you can have Saturday nights with your friends. Or tell him he has to take them to their riding lessons. Go to court. You can get a court order saying he has to do this until the boys chose not to. He doesn’t have them 50:50 so maintenance payments would need to increase on his part.

I used to have this arrangement of the ex having the kids every weekend when we first split. I never got to see the kids properly either or doing anything fun with them. It all came to a head when I wanted to book a weekend away for the kids with me. We subsequently ended up going through the courts where he ended up wirh every other weekend. Defiantly worth looking again at contact.

You are fighting the wrong battle.

The horse riding is not worth your sons' mental health and emotional well-being.

However, you need to work out a custody arrangement.

1. School time is always going to happen.
2. Weekends are always going to happen.
3. Half terms, holidays and INSETT days are always going to happen.
4. BTW - Christmas and Easter is always going to happen.

So work out what you want?

1. Are you brilliant at supporting school work - so do you predominantly want the Mon-Fri, especially if you're able to pick your kids up at 4pm.
2. Do you want every other weekend for social time with your children?
3. Who/ what/ where can offer the best holiday care?
4. How are you going to split Christmas? (honestly it works out better if you alternate each year where the kids spend xmas and boxing day - rather than fight over them on xmas day or boxing day)
5. What about who takes the kids on holiday, when and for how long?

You're fighting the wrong battle because the kids can go riding at half-term and in holidays. They don't need to see you and dad fighting over it every weekend.

But it sounds like you haven't even begun an official custody negotiation discussion.

It sounds like you're still trying to be the "as you were" mum, instead of working out how your "real life is going to be" following the split and your children having two homes.

Your ex needs to be responsible and commited, rather than just entitled.

You need to go to Court for a custody agreement. The Court will direct you to a counselling/arbitration service to hash out who gets the children and when.

You can then keep a record of all the times he shows up or doesn't or cancels. If he doesn't fulfil his obligations, or is unrelaiable, you can get the custody agreement changed.

But also note - two boys - the Courts want dad in their lives. And you should too if you made two children with the man.

But do the custody arrangment now - because otherwise Dad can sweep in at any time and demand 50% of their time at any age. It's in your interests to get a legal agreement.

Children absolutely should be able to carry on with a hobby!!! It's being punished to stop. Why should they? Parents need to agree a way forward for the boys. Their mental health is harmed by arguing parents but even more if they cease to do what they enjoy because of warring adults. Go to court and get it sorted. Dc do have some voice in this.

Dads cannot demand anything that's unreasonable. They can ask but they don't always get. Welbeing of DC will be more important.

Good you have kept them with you. This makes more sense in that you get a day at the weekend and so does your ex. As he does nothing with them the chances are that the reason he is being so abusive over this is to wind you up. He sounds like a lazy disininterested father and anyone who has had to go to court to sort out custody will tell you it takes a massive amount of effort and form filling. Something tells me he won't bother as any solicitor will tell him that he stands no chance of getting further contact time especially as he has ruled out weekdays.

Hope the boys enjoyed their horse riding and I would be telling your ex under no circumstances does he get to call them sissies especially from someone scared of horses. That is abusive.

I know it might seem unfair to the boys, but I would just leave them with him for a week so he gets a reality check on how much work is involved.
You are being too reasonable, should he swear at me with names like that I would have a restraining order on him in a trice, so he never sees his children-end of.
Let him take you to court, explain to them his behaviour and language and it will be sorted, he'll be lucky to keep joint custody- you shouldn't enable behaviour like that, he is punishing you for having the temerity to realise he was an awful husband, and still is an awful father, make him see the truth.

There's no need to stop the boys lessons if they love it, not to pacify a grown adult.

Have a solicitor draft a letter to state that, if he is concerned about the lessons that the boys WANT to do cutting into his time then he is welcome to propose a couple of options for an extra 3-4 hours through the week for him to see them (he won't because it's not convenient for him) but he will be responsible for collection and drop off.

Also have the solicitor tell him that due to insults and profanities that he has subjected you to, all interactions (both in person and on the phone) will be recorded (he has been informed in writing in advance so it CAN be used in court) then I would just tell him he's more than welcome to take you to court if he wishes to.

If he does, get a letter from the riding school to say how much the boys love their lessons and how much they have advanced.

"His time" is when he should care for his dc and respect their wishes. It's not just about lolling around in his home doing nothing.

yes, understood!

I'm not sure it's worth talking to a solicitor at the moment, it would only be if he actually goes to court over this which I very much doubt. Unfortunately you have a dad who isn't really that interested in his kids. You'll need to decide if its better for them to spend any time with their dad or none. If any time, I would move to EOW, offering the mid week night (up to him take it or not), so that at least you get every other weekend with them too. He could always take you to court over this but I very much doubt he will, And if he did they're likely to say EOW and one mid-week night which you've already offered.

I'm confused, why doesn't their dad take them to riding lessons?

Ok, I've read through a few more comments of yours now and your ex is abusing you. At the very least its coersive control. Sounds like it started before you split up so well done for getting away from him, but I think you need to start doing more to protect your children from him. I'd suggest documenting, recording and saving every interaction you have with him, every text message etc and apply for sole custody of the children.

Surely in these situations it is never his or her time but always the children's time. They are living one life not two separate ones.

OP said that he thinks it's for sissys!

He sounds like a dick.

Im sure if he carries on like this the children will refuse to see him in a few years anyway.
Id get some legal advice especially over the way he is speaking to you, it’s not acceptable.

Gosh I’m so sorry for you after reading this❤️ My heart really goes out to you. If I were in your position, I’d go to mediation and work out a fairer schedule as this is NOT fair. Something fairer would look like you alternating weekend and then splitting up the weekdays depending on both of your jobs etc. The verbal abuse you are getting from him sounds absolutely horrible and I think you should also bring this up in meditation and lay out clear rules that you’re only to communicate about the children. If he doesn’t agree to mediation, I’d be taking him to court. In the meantime, could you suggest your DC tell their dad how much they enjoy riding and that they don’t want this to stop? I hope you get this sorted out as it sounds like you’ve got the short end of the stick here and do all the ‘hard’ work/school runs/homework/appointments/routine, and then their dad gets to have all the fun with them and chill at the weekends🫤 x