Please help - boys' dad is being awful over their hobby

[OhMoreDrama]

Partner and I split about 18mo ago. We have two boys together, one nine, one six. They have been going horse riding since last summer. The lessons take place on a sat afternoon - this is part of the issue. I pick them up from their dad's, take them riding and drop them back off. It's usually about three hours on an afternoon.

Their dad picks them up on a Friday evening and drops them back off on a Sunday afternoon. I never have them on a weekend and do all of the school runs, appointments and so on by myself. Their dad literally does not see them at all unless it's between 4pm Friday and 4pm Sunday. This is his choice - he lives about fifteen minutes away and could easily see them in the week but refuses because he's been at work.

The arrangement means I have very little free time to do fun stuff with them - I'm literally just doing the routine stuff, maybe with a visit to the park or beach after school if the weather is decent. I work too so drop them off at breakfast club at 7am then pick them up from after school club at 4pm which means I have 4 hours to feed, bathe, do any homework and then get them to bed at 8pm. I feel like I barely get to see them!

He's now being absolutely awful about me taking them riding in "his time" - I have tried and tried to find lessons after school but there's nowhere in my area doing group lessons through the week - it's just private and would be £100 per week rather than £40 for weekend lessons. They boys also find it too much after a long day at school.

I have a been called a cunt, a fucking bitch, told he's going to take me to court for sole custody, that I'm a terrible person and a terrible mother, and more. I also "don't do anything for the boys" and he sorts everything out. That's just this week too.

I'm so utterly fed up with it now that I feel like just giving in and stopping the lessons but they really love it and it's helping so much with their confidence and physically too.

I'm sorry, I've written all of this and I'm not quite sure what my question is - aibu to want to be able to do an activity with my kids even though it's in their dad's time?

You hadn’t hence your response to my post! 😆

Get yourself to court and sue for full custody of your children. He sounds a pretty toxic sort. Once you gave a court ordered custody you can then organise fair access with their dad.

Unless the children are in danger of harm this is a no go. And unlikely they’ll consider being a twat as a danger to the children - although I fully believe it has a long term negative impact on them.

My ex took me to court for 50/50 out of spite and because he didn’t want to pay the money. Didn’t realise that they’d be looking at every aspect of his life in miniscule detail and he filled out the forms incorrectly and lied about his work hours, commuting time, the fact that he clearly expected his new partner to carry the load and various suggestions along the lines of if he or she was not available at short notice (which often happens) then I’d have to step in.
He got told in no uncertain terms that he was box ticking, there was zero benefit to the children in his plans as they wouldn’t have more time with him, just be in his house with his new partner. The magistrate also told him that expecting me to be relief childcare was idiotic when he clearly thought I was a terrible parent. That the way he spoke to me was unacceptable. The end result was that things stayed as they were AND they put in a contact book order to prevent his barrage of verbal abuse and interference. I’d love to say that was the end of it but he’s since had to have two written reminders.

less than zero chance of “sole custody” 🙄

Sigh. There is no concept of ‘Custody’ anymore. Courts order where the child(ren) should live and with who they should Spend Time.

Is there a ‘banging head against a brick wall’ emoji ?

You need to sort this as co parenting amicably is no longer a possibility. I would go to mediation and either suggest 1. He has every weekend contact and you take them horse riding during this (you would pay for the horse riding as it would be "your time") or, what I would do, every other weekend contact with say half the holidays (for dad) and you then get every other weekend and half the holidays to do ACTUAL FUN THINGS. During this mediation raise how important the horse riding is for the boys and ask that this continues on his weekends for the sake of the children. (He would have to pay on his time and take them there).

Full disclosure- I am a step mum and my DH's ex signed the kids up for an every week hobby which it was ridiculous for DH to take them to on his weekend due to distance (when they first split) to try and reduce his contact time. So this has to be a proven long term hobby.

Don't punish the boys by taking their lessons away. The man is a prat.

Surely the dad didn’t have a distance issue when he was with the mum? Why should the children miss out on weekly clubs/activities because he chose to move away?

Sorry for not replying. I'm trying to catch up with the thread but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by the amount of replies!

The boys stayed home in Friday night. I told their dad they were staying with me because I was taking them riding. We agreed he'd have them from Sat tea time to midday Monday.

I'm going to discuss things going forwards with him on Monday.

all sounds very reasonable and civil 😕

She moved.....

Great it sounds like it's worked out. Hope he agrees to changing permanently

Your well named 'grumpygrape'. No need for that. A simple correction would suffice. Thanks for your input though! 😆 🤣 😂

why would you advise on something so important as custody when you patently have bugger all knowdledge about it though @Retiredfromearlyyears

Just remember to follow up your conversations with messages you can keep a record. Keep them friendly and polite no matter how he responds.

That way if it's necessary you can demonstrate what you've offered/agreed.

Yeah, I am pretty grumpy when I've been separated from Grape Juice for a while... 😉🍷 I'm OK now though, it's after wine time.

However, I had already made the point a while ago. It doesn't seem to have stopped people banging on about 'Custody' though. I'll chill 😋 🍷

Not sure if that is aimed at me or Retiredfromearlyyearsso not sure which of us you feel have bugger all knowledge

Just to clarify - there is no longer a concept of 'Custody' in the UK. The Courts use the term 'Live with' and that may be either or both parents. They then Order to spend time with 'which used to be referred to as 'Access'.

Damn, I said I was going to chill... 🤔

@grumpygrape

quire clearly it’s @Retiredfromearlyyears that has bugger all knowledge

i thought that was abundantly clear in my response 🤷

My apologies steamedisbest

I’m still fairly new to Mumsnet and feeling my way. As Retiredfromearlyyears chastised me but then thanked me for my input I made the (stupid) assumption they had some sort of authority. Silly me.

Do you also work during the week OP? Not that it matters, but if you do you can use the same argument back at him. Every weekend is awful to not be able to be with your kids, apart from school hols.

I do agree the horse riding lessons are of value and it's your ex who has insisted on weekends only. Can't he take them, watch them and be a part of it? Xx

Enjoy your wine! I've had a few Champers myself! Very tasty!! Lol 😆

Did you read the guidelines on staying respectful on this site. !!! Clearly not given your use of bad language. Unnecessary and ignorant. You can correct and advise without being nasty.

clearly

maybe….slow down?

This is a wind up isn’t it?

I hate dragging threads away from their subject but would you point us to the post where there is lack of respect, bad language and ignorance ?

My understanding is it’s good netiquette to quote a post you are challenging.

@Retiredfromearlyyears

Can you pack it in please? Go and start your own thread if you want to create arguments. I have enough drama in my life without you adding to it.