Please help - boys' dad is being awful over their hobby

[OhMoreDrama]

Partner and I split about 18mo ago. We have two boys together, one nine, one six. They have been going horse riding since last summer. The lessons take place on a sat afternoon - this is part of the issue. I pick them up from their dad's, take them riding and drop them back off. It's usually about three hours on an afternoon.

Their dad picks them up on a Friday evening and drops them back off on a Sunday afternoon. I never have them on a weekend and do all of the school runs, appointments and so on by myself. Their dad literally does not see them at all unless it's between 4pm Friday and 4pm Sunday. This is his choice - he lives about fifteen minutes away and could easily see them in the week but refuses because he's been at work.

The arrangement means I have very little free time to do fun stuff with them - I'm literally just doing the routine stuff, maybe with a visit to the park or beach after school if the weather is decent. I work too so drop them off at breakfast club at 7am then pick them up from after school club at 4pm which means I have 4 hours to feed, bathe, do any homework and then get them to bed at 8pm. I feel like I barely get to see them!

He's now being absolutely awful about me taking them riding in "his time" - I have tried and tried to find lessons after school but there's nowhere in my area doing group lessons through the week - it's just private and would be £100 per week rather than £40 for weekend lessons. They boys also find it too much after a long day at school.

I have a been called a cunt, a fucking bitch, told he's going to take me to court for sole custody, that I'm a terrible person and a terrible mother, and more. I also "don't do anything for the boys" and he sorts everything out. That's just this week too.

I'm so utterly fed up with it now that I feel like just giving in and stopping the lessons but they really love it and it's helping so much with their confidence and physically too.

I'm sorry, I've written all of this and I'm not quite sure what my question is - aibu to want to be able to do an activity with my kids even though it's in their dad's time?

Fuck what he wants!!

You go to court and get what you want in writing. It’s not like you’re stopping access but this way isn’t fair on anyone.

I would offer Saturday after riding until Sunday evening. He is welcome to fight for sole custody but I suspect this is an empty threat as you could easily note that he's currently unable to take them until Tuesdays or do any weekdays due to work. If he could have a nanny, he could easily cover an until Tuesday split.

One of the most sensible posts so far.

Just a general observation. It’s no longer Custody and Access, it’s Living With and Spending Time With.

Separated Parents don’t have rights as such, the have Parental Responsibilities; it’s the children who have the right to spend time with each of their parents as appropriate and as they get older that means as they want. You can’t Order a child from probably about 12years onwards to spend time with a parent they don’t want to see; it causes too much distress all round.

If you go to Court it’s possible CAFCASS might speak to the children and ask them how much time they want to spend with each parent and why. Also, how important their riding is to them. Your Ex might discover he doesn’t have the right to have the boys for specific times at his convenience; the boys must want to spend time with him.

The focus needs to be on what is best for the children and why, not why each parent wants how much time with them. It has to be pointed out that the Family Courts do understand children need time with the resident parent which isn’t just about get up, go to school, home from school, food, homework, bath and bed. I hate the term ‘quality time’ but the children do need that or the non-resident parent can be seen as the fun parent (although that doesn’t necessarily seem to be the case here !) and the resident parent is seen as the boring routine parent who makes all the boring rules. The ‘fun time’ needs to be equal which is why many orders are for alternate weekends.

In my experience good non-resident parents (usually Dads) want to have their children for some time during the week because they want to be involved in homework, their children’s friends, after school activities etc. but that’s good non-resident parents…..

I don’t think you will have trouble focusing on what is best for the boys but try to remember to make sure that is the language you use and don’t ever refer to them as ‘my’ boys or ‘my’ children; as much as you might regret it they are ‘our boys’ or ‘our children’.

I would advise a discussion with a good Family Solicitor and take it from there. It might be to your advantage to get your ducks in a row and initiate the Court route rather than him using the threat to manipulate you.

By the way, there are some good co-parenting Apps which have facilities for diary, messaging etc. which can support communications and because they can’t be altered they can provide evidence of non-compliance if things get really bad. No need to use phone texts.

Sorry, should have said you might find the CAFCASS website useful, you don’t have to be going through the Court to have a look.

This is all brilliant advice.

I would also recommend using a parenting app - AppClose is free & works well for messaging. Nothing can be deleted or edited & it time stamps when messages are both sent & read. It also keeps them out of your normal apps.

I'd also recommend you export your WhatsApp conversation now (if you haven't already & that' what you've been using) - you can keep that safe if you ever need to refer to anything & he can't go back & delete/edit anything he wouldn't want a solicitor/court to see.

Finally, I'd really recommend keeping a log of your own - your phone calendar/an excel spreadsheet/notes app etc whatever works. If you do end up in the court system, they want to see facts & patterns of behaviour & you can't keep it all in your head. Keep a log & it's all there, again if you ever need it. I write anything my ex has done/said - no matter how small it seems at the time, it truly is like 'death by a thousand paper cuts' with these sorts of men. I also jot down fun things I've done with my son so it also works for nice things!

Try to be as emotionless & business-like in your dealings with him as much as you can - they thrive on emotion & getting a rise. It's like supply to them, you need to starve the supply!

Hope this weekend has been ok & things get better for you & your boys soon

Yup, all of the above from Marble20

Well yes it should be, but dicks like this dont think like that. All they think about is winning and if they can use the kids to do that then they will.

He is using "his" time with the kids to make sure that the OP never a) gets any weekend time with them and b) gets a weekend off.

As I said in a PP, he is punishing her for leaving him. He wont accept less than every weekend, refuses weekday contact as he works despite the fact that the OP works too, wont facilitate their sport so she has to, never actually does anything with them to the point that the kids dont really want to be there and is abusive when she refuses any of his demands. Its all about him and what he wants, and what he wants is to hurt her, hurting her matters more to him that his sons needs.

I have encountered arseholes like this before and I predict one of two things will happen when he meets someone else. Either he will turn into father of the year to prove his credentials to new woman, whilst also dropping to EOW so he can see her OR dropping the kids altogether until new woman fucks off and then he will demand his "rights" to see them again.

Keep taking the boys to their lessons as it’s good for their self esteem so they need it right now.

Communicate only via email with your ex. No phone calls or face to face discussions.

Issue form C100 to get your contact time formalised. You will be able to show the court how unreasonable be is by showing the communication. Don’t rise to his BS. He’s just trying to get a reaction out of you. Don’t give him
the satisfaction (he will use it against you in court).

Thank you for asking. I’m happy to be transparent.

I’m not married. I’m reticent to do so. I’m in a long term de facto relationship.

I won’t go too far into it but I have a background in family law so I know de facto property laws apply and how they apply.

We do have separate bedrooms and we are both happy with the arrangement.

I think my background very much does shape my view on how I see other relationships as well as my own.

Two separate houses means that children often miss out on financial resources and time with the other parent. For a parent to say “my children don’t miss out” they are deluding themselves.

I'm so sorry. I dealt with a very similar man, and in the end, decided that what he wanted didn't matter compared to my sons' well-being, took him to court, and got an order for more equitable time.

The wants of an ex are far less important than the happiness of your sons. Stand firm.

What's the reason you haven't gone to court? Have you got written evidence of his behaviour towards you? It's time you stuck up for yourself and your children. This is a bad situation for them as well and you will regret all the time you've missed with them if you don't do something about it.

She already said (it's quoted directly before your post!) that he didn't want to. Which makes his attempted threat thats he's 'going to take me to court for sole custody,' all the more silly and hollow.

Hopefully now the OP will take the advice of many here - especially @grumpygrape , such a clear explanation of how it works.

A friend of mine had an ex who wanted full custody - got 50:50 split - guess how often he has the child? Once in a blue moon for birthday and Christmas photos.

He should have her half the holidays ‘but is working’ even though friend is also working and now paying holiday care so she can - it’s been suggested he pays the other half and refuses.

Another friend ex also went for sole custody - guess how often he sees the baby? Never! Not even a birthday card! Taking him to court because ‘he can’t afford’ child maintenance, not his bank statements show otherwise.

That's great, good on you. I know how hard it is standing up to them, you and your boys deserve some time together

You need to sort the timing out so that it works better for you, and works better for your kids too. If the riding is during his time then he should be lifting & laying them.

Just a big hug. I’m so sorry you’re being spoken to in such an offensive horrendous way. It’s never acceptable. He has issues. Willing you lots of strength and resilience. You’re a wonderful mum.

I think ex is being unreasonable

I’m sorry OP but you are going to have to put your foot down and work out a schedule that is fairer to you. He should have them every other weekend so you have time with your kids. If you are struggling to manage it because of his behaviour then I would get some legal advice and go from there. He sounds like a total arsehole.

I didn’t mention this before but someone has brought up the subject of Child Maintenance. Family Courts do not get involved in CM. Payment of CM does not confer ‘rights’ to see the children, nor does non-payment deny ‘rights’ because there are no ‘rights’ except the children’s rights to have a relationship with both parents, as long as it safe for them and they want to.

I really think you need alternate weekends as a priority, then sort the riding lessons out around that if you can. Is it possible the riding centre would let you pay half to do alternate weeks if you explain the situation?

It's unfair on you and the boys if you never have a weekend together, especially as they're bored at their dad's

Hi I’m part of a blended family. We have my SS 50% alternate weekends and Monday and Wednesdays. His mum lives 15 mins down the road. We will drop SS at school she picks him up and vice versa. We all get along well btw this isn’t because we don’t want to see each other it just works out more stable for SS and for all of us. Are you in the UK. You can get free mediation to lay down what is right. If he refuses and is difficult it builds up as evidence for you to go to court. Document the evidence. What is he paying you in CSA as he should def be giving you money. It’s only in 50/50 cases you don’t receive anything. It sounds like an awful situation you get the stressful week and he gets weekends. Do you work also?
sorry for the long post.

Why don't people read the OP? Then read the rest of the OP's posts.
You have had some good advice, OP, from the people who have read your posts. Dealing with controlling, abusive men is daunting. I hope things work out for you and your boys.

I have no advice other than what you've already been given, but I had to have a huge smirk at Mr Nasty Hard Man telling his sons that equestrian sports are for 'sissies' whilst simultaneously being too afraid of horses to take them to the stables. 😂😂😂😂😂

Annoying isn't it.

OP - I’m so sorry you’re going through this, he sounds like a right bas*d!
I had to LOL though, where he said he’s going to go for sole custody - if he can’t even cope with seeing them in the week “because he works” what on earth does he think will happen if he goes for sole custody?! What a muppet!!! He’s bitter and twisted and annoyed that you dared to leave him and he’s taking all this out on you - so pathetic some men are!! Really hope you can get some legal help and I would actually take him to court to get him to agree to EOW and see them in the week for a few nights too! Xxx