to think that this current batch of 18 year olds are REALLY messed up?

[WishIMite]

I try not to generalise about groups of people, but I can't help but think, looking at my children who span various ages, that the current batch of 18 year-olds are more of a mess than the other age groups.

So much drug-taking, unable to make eye contact, rudeness (which I think is social ineptness) and lack of socialising together. Just a total lack of social skills and resilience really. They don't even seem to have proper friendship groups and alliances.

Can't help but wonder if lockdown hit them at a really crucial age.

Do other parents of 18 yo wonder the same, or is it just that my 18 yo and friends are particularly shit?

My ds and his friends are nothing like this. They’re very sociable but it’s not alcohol or weed centred. They enjoy cooking roast dinners and making cakes, playing Risk, going on runs and bike rides, exploring new cities, climbing mountains, planning their future businesses and going to the gym! They all work alongside their A Levels.

Maybe some kids weren’t encouraged to get back out into normal life after lockdowns, but my two (now nearly 18 and 20) were desperate to take advantage of every loosening of the rules. When you were allowed to meet one person, ds was out playing football and roaming around with his best mate. Dd was in year 12 during the second lockdown and as soon as small gatherings were allowed they were having weekend parties in people’s back gardens. So I don’t really think either were much affected by Covid.

If I had a chance to do it all over again, as a PP said, I would have encouraged DD more into sport. DS is sporty and it really helps his MH and focus. DD isn't naturally so, but I could have done more to help her.

I am a big believer in sport and exercise now, and I wasn't before.

Re. the degree: there were in-person lectures after the second year, but by then the students had made their friendship groups with their locked-down dorms/flats. So they haven't mixed at all with their subject group. (And most students don't seem to attend the in-person lectures.)

So one DC is graduating and weirdly doesn't know a single person on their course/graduation day!

I think it's odd and a bit of a waste. I can understand why young people don't want THIS as their uni experience. Seems like a total waste of money!

This isn’t my experience with my 18 year-old DD and her friends.

In fact I have been surprised at how little drug taking and drinking goes on compared to what I was up to at 18 in the mid 90s 😬

My DD is really polite and good at engaging with people of all ages. She has good social skills and lots of friends.

She does have issues with organisation and concentration, but we suspect she has ADHD which would explain that.

I can definitely see the impact on my own DC of covid etc., but their friends don't seem any better. As I say, they have attended a more rural college than my other DC, so that may be an impact (much more poverty and drug taking perhaps?). It might just be that they have terrible choice of friends.

My ds is 18 and far from what you describe. He's loving, affectionate and very sociable. He's very empathetic and caring.
Definitely no drugs, he doesn't even drink or vape. He's sensible, trustworthy and very responsible. He has a lovely group of friends all polite and friendly. I have been complimented on ds's good manners since he was knee high. He's been able to hold a conversation with an adult since he was young He's a musician and music is his life. As a performer he's very confident. He's also extremely talented but very humble and hardworking. We are very proud of him.

My son is 19 and at uni and very sociable but a lot of our friends kids the same age are very antisocial. I think it's normal to become monosyllabic and retreat from your own parents in teenage years but a lot of the teens we know don't even socialise with each other. They stay in their rooms gaming and no interest at going out with friends, getting girlfriends etc. Dropped out of school and college. No idea if they smoke weed or not.

Nothing wrong with gaming. My kids like it too. But it seems to have become the whole life of some young people. I do think it was the only thing to do in lockdown and some of them seem stuck there.

Those are my observations but my 19 year old is my eldest so I don't have anything to compare to.

Judging by what I encounter at work (work in HE), there is a definite crisis. The last few cohorts have been really odd.

Despite everything being open and all teaching face to face the campus is dead, they all stay in their rooms and don’t do anything. It’s absolutely excruciating getting anything out of them. And they bloody whinge and whine about everything-no sense of accountability or responsibility, it’s all someone else’s fault and they need spoon feeding for just the basics.

My tipping point was when I found a large group all stood around the lifts and realised not one of them had actually pressed the call button. All just waiting for someone else to do it.

I’m not sure we can just blame Covid.

I don’t recognise your characterisation in my 18yo or the wider friendship groups. They are a lot more sensible, resilient and mature than I was at 18. It might just be luck, but they are more together than my eldest was, as well, and he’s mid 20s.

They drink less, fewer than a third of them smoke or even vape, drugs are mostly occasional weed with those doing harder drugs looked down on as losers.

Second hand clothes (mostly Vinted) and charity shopping is cool, brands are try-hard.

They date but anyone prioritising a boyfriend/girlfriend over prior commitments with mates gets short shrift from the rest.

We weren’t nearly as confident nor together at that age. I think they’re great.

That’s made me feel irritated and laugh at the same time @AlltheFs 😂

I don't have kids myself, but I don't think this describes any of the 18-year-olds I know personally. My nephew isn't the most sociable lad in the world, but he has a group of friends, plays football, goes to gigs with mates, has had girlfriends, goes to the gym. He drinks a bit, but nothing major really. No idea about drugs - he might smoke weed for all I know but the vast majority of his money goes on football, clothes and music. My friend's son is a bit socially awkward with new people, but he'[s autistic so I'm guessing there's a link there. He likes a beer but not drugs. Goes to the pub with a group of mates, likes outdoorsy, Scoutsy stuff, bit of an eco-warrior. Spends his holidays travelling with a couple of friends.

My son isn't like this. He's very career focussed & always he 'wants to do well in life'. He doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, - in-fact he won't even drink fizzy pop, he only drinks water. He spends a lot of his time studying and will go to the gym or play tennis to get out for a bit. He's very quiet, sensible & and stickler for rules! He has a small friend group who are very much the same as he is.

My tipping point was when I found a large group all stood around the lifts and realised not one of them had actually pressed the call button. All just waiting for someone else to do it.

OK, my middle ADHD one and his (also ADHD) best mates would DEFINITELY do that, and I’m having a good laugh picturing it 😂

I have DC18 & DC19. Both are nothing like you have described. Both have a good set of friends, no drugs (both are are vocally anti drug), able to speak to people, socialise etc. Both had part time jobs from 16 & younger DC who is taking a levels right now still works part time in a busy food place. Older DC works full time as an apprentice. Both able to have eye contact work alongside customers and able to apply for & interview well enough to get their jobs.

Both have always been sporty, played in various teams for their sport and still play now. We've travelled all over the south for their sports and they are both driven to do well & enjoy it even now.

Before people mention how covid messed up this age group (they were in years 9 & 10 in March 2020), both continued to meet up with friends when they were allowed out over the lockdowns, always kept in touch via playing games on xbox together, social media etc and as soon as school went back to 'normal', their lives carried on the same as before. Sleepovers, meeting friends to go to cinema, shopping etc.

Neither have either suffered with poor mental health and we have been lucky as a family to have never struggled with this either.

Both their friendship groups are the same, so I dont recognise your DC and their friends as a good example of typical 18 year olds. But I wish them well and hope they suceed in whatthey want to do now they are living college.

Glad I don't have to mix with them or be around them.
Full stop.

I’m a driving instructor so teach 1-1 so it gives me a unique insight. Parents don’t really know as I’m sure their teens become surly and non communicative with them, but with me they’re a delight. I do notice some parents unnecessarily worry about them doing what they need to do (turn up, pay me etc) but they all do it without prompting. I purposely don’t prompt them! Yes I do worry about the odd one and mental health - I think there’s a hell of lot of pressure academically - but most are absolutely sorted. Way more than I was at that age.

I do treat them as adults though so they rise to the challenge. My job needs a working relationship built on equality or it doesn’t work, so they do tend to grow up with me!

This is so lovely to read!

@bozzabollix I love this insight!! I wish you could teach me to drive. There’s no availability here (south west)

I work with a lot of young adults of this age in an industry known for partying hard because you end up with a decent income from the onset.

These 17-21 yr olds are pretty fucking boring. They may go on the piss very occasionally. If they do drugs, it's usually a one-off and the more expensive social drugs, if there's ever such a thing. It's not that I condone this, but I'm not ignorant having been there myself.

They would rather eat well, drink minimal alcohol, work hard and diligently, and they are gym obsessed.

They are a nightmare in other ways compared to 18-28 Yr old me who was on a come down until Tuesday and broke because I spent my wages on partying, clothes, and of course the girls' holidays.

They demand/expect high wages for their work, respect without warning it and are some of the most entitled people I've ever met. But, I can't isn't out one who isn't going to do well because of this. The brass balls on them is to admired in away. Although also, the bane of my existence.

If you saw my ds and his friends (16/17/18)because they come as a big group you’d possibly cross to the other side of the road and think they were too loud etc. If you dropped something they’d pick it up for you, if you were struggling with shopping they’d help, if you said hi they’d say hi back. They’re nice lads just over excitable together and they all dress in hoodies tracksuit bottoms etc.

In work all the 18yos are more clean cut looking and would actively say hi to you chat to you etc. personally I think it’s a hugely mixed bag but more nice than not

But not all socialisation happens at school.

Many clubs and youth activities closed for much longer than schools. Some never reopened. A particular issue were groups for or known for supporting disabled children who struggle to socialise otherwise. My son's main social world outside of the home and school at the time closed in March 2020, did not reopen at all until October 2021 and was patchy well into September 2022 when he aged out. His local friends were in families that were very over zealous about the rules, so he rarely had the experiences others describe.

My son was also one of those teenagers who was told to shut up and stop being upset when exams were canceled (he was literally reviewing a practice paper when the announcement happened, he was in a programme where he was to do some of his GCSEs in Year 10 and some in Year 11) because people dying meant he wasn't allowed to have emotions and when he did go back, the school's support and extracurriculars were decimated by funding issues and he spent an additional year on a part-time timetable for Year 11, only going in one day a week with the rest online when schools were open. Not common, but more common than is often discussed. It played a massive role in his depression that continued through Year 12 and 13.

Maybe I'm a piss poor parent who needs to grow a backbone, but yeah, my 19 year old is among those still affected. He's improved massively since leaving school, absolute delight to talk to most of the time, and I think he's been quite resilient considering his situation, but when it comes to social or with some of the executive function development, he and I both still see the effects and muddling through together with how to support him. It's not all lockdown, it's a piece though lockdown did rapidly increase the cultural push of everything down to a screen which is not helping either the social side or the executive function side of issues many are talking about.

I was supporting at a large job fair recently, and nearly all the employers were just having people use a QR code or put details in a tablet, the stall holders that would have an actual meaningful conversation with potential applicants I could count on my fingers - some of them it was like pulling teeth to get more than 'you can scan this QR code if you're interested', even asking how their day was going got monosyllables if that. I could see people walking around the whole thing, scanning and pushing buttons, without any connection with anyone and stall holders that were just staring at their laptops or phone. It was awful - and few on either side were young adults, many were middle age like me and older.

MillshakePickle
I love your post!! I worked with a lot like this too, they’d say ‘but why wouldn’t you’ if I was doing something to NOT rock the boat. They also actively asked for help where I’d try and work through it alone. Sometimes that worked for them, sometimes they’d get told it was their job to do it themselves but they shrugged that off. Lot of respect for the brass balls on them too!!

I have 3 that age, I think lockdown was disruptive for them all but they seem to have emerged ok. 19 year old has a job working lots of hours, is respectful, has a boyfriend and going on holiday soon. Does go out to the pub or club but certainly no more than I was at that age.

The younger two have pt jobs, nice boyfriends, working hard for a levels, about to start driving lessons.

None smoke or take drugs that I am aware.

I have known my DH since our teens and we were definitely out drinking at a younger age as no ID back them, and most of us smoked.

You’re not describing my ds or his friends, all of whom are well-mannered young people who are a delight to be around.

Yes they have fun but very few of them seem to get overly drunk (unlike dh and I when we were young) or take drugs. They seem to have a good sense of personal responsibility and a strong sense of self. And I know this because dh and I are the soft parents that pick them all up after a night out!! They are genuinely great kids.

I do think times and future outlook for 18 year olds is so much harder than say 30 years ago.

This creates a divide between those 18 year olds that feel they have to work that much harder to get ahead and therefore drink less, don't smoke weed, vape etc. But the downside being that they feel stressed and under pressure about the future and are therefore less happy.

And those 18 year olds that think "fuck it I'm never going to get ahead or don't see the point in even trying "
So I may as well drink, smoke weed and do whatever I like to make myself happy.