Husband doesn't make me my 'best self'

[holybaloni]

Such a wanky phrase I know. But true.
I love my dh dearly. He's a good man and a good father. But I don't feel like he encourages me to be a better person. He supports me with work and things like that but in our private life he's just dull and has bad habits that rub off on me. He's a big drinker which makes me drink. And I know that sounds weak but I do enjoy drinking and when someone around you does it, you find yourself following their lead. He buys booze for us and I just have it.
He doesn't particularly care about socialising and he is happy to look after the kids while I see friends but I end up feeling guilty about it. We rarely go out as a couple. We have fallen into a rut of a bottle of wine and Netflix.
Mostly we just sit on phones on separate sofas.
I'm not saying that I'd be better off without him but I do feel like without his influence I'd probably create a healthier, more productive routine. And people will say 'well do it anyway' but it's hard to break out of bad habits when the person who you're around 24/7 is happy with the easy, boring option.
On the other hand I have a friend who has gotten into a relationship with a really great guy and they are forever going on hikes and holidays and weekends away. I just feel like that zest for fun has gone with us, granted we have kids and very little childcare but I just need to find a way to break out of the rut.
I don't feel like I've outgrown him but I've definitely outgrown this depressing lifestyle.

I hear you.

It's not his fault! Don't want to drink, don't, want to socialise do it, you can't together much, you've not got childcare, at least he's fine with you going off and doing whatever and he's not golfing/cycling/insert boring hobby here for 16 hours every weekend
If your life is boring it's not for anyone else to make it different, that's on you

If you really can’t do things that are interesting, healthy etc without someone requiring you to, clearly you need to end your marriage and seek out a teetotal, sociable health freak who will inspire you to be your best self.

I don't think you're taking enough responsibility for yourself.

You don't have to drink just because he is (and yes I know it makes it harder), and you don't have to stay home just because he wants to, you can arrange your own social life.

It all depends on how much you want to change.

I hear you.
My DH is also very dull with no get up and go.
I do things anyway but it means we are very separate and I'm acutely aware how mismatched we have become because he is happy to stagnate and I want to constantly improve and challenge myself. Plus we have no shared interests.

This is a you problem. It’s not his responsibility to make you your best self. He’s happy the way he is but you’re not happy with the way you are, that’s up to you to fix.

I think if you need someone for something then you have lost already, sure it is nice to do joint things but we are each own person no one is responsible for another adult, children yes of course

Do you inspire him to be his best self? It works both ways.

It seems you're blaming him for not being adventurous, but he's helping you with the childcare so that you can do what you want.

You have that freedom to be adventurous and go on a hike either by yourself or with a fell walking group, while he looks after the children.

Sort out your own life if you're bored.

If he's always been a dull heavy drinking couch potato, he's not going to change

You've mentioned he doesn't like socialising, but have you suggested things like walks, trips etc? Have you spoken to him about how you feel? It might be that there is some balance where you spend some time chilling with wine and netflix but you agree that maybe one weekend a month you'll do more active things and start from there. It might also be worth asking him if there's a reason why he doesn't feel inspired to do things - does he work long hours or have a tiring job, or does he lack in self esteem hence not wanting to socialise? It sounds like you love him, you just need to insert a bit of energy into things, perhaps give it a try? If he cares about your feelings, I hope he'll make some effort for you and it'll grow from there. Let us know how it goes!

What a cowardly attitude. You and only you are responsible for your actions. So stop blaming your husband, who may or many not his own issues, pull the finger out and address whatever issues that need addressing.

Oh boy… I’m sure what I really want to say would get my post moderated… So I’ll stick with this.

You’re a grown ass woman with agency. Any of your shortcomings is in your own head. Take some responsibility and make yourself the better person.

What do you do to make him his best self and support him to be a better person?

I also know people and relationships are different, but it sounds like the sort of things you want him to do are things that others would call controlling in a husband. So he might not even dare suggest you cut out the wine, go to the gym, or leave the house for a hobby.

What do you do to make him his best self?

When's the last time you arranged a hike or adventure?

If he's happy with the "easy, boring option" and you're not why is it on him to make changes?

Sounds like you need to sort your own shit out

You’d probably be equally pissed off with him if you fancied a lazy night in and a glass of wine and he was being disapproving because you weren’t going to the gym and then coming home to a lovely protein shake.

There’s somewhere in between never going out together and expecting him to motivate you to become the amazing creature you can’t or won’t motivate yourself to be.

Small steps. Choose one thing you’d like to change and then make it happen. In 6 months’ time, do another. Be tenacious and assertive and independent.

He's a useless arse. But you're using that as a excuse for you to be a useless arse. Get some gumption and dig yourself out of your rut. Create your own healthier, more productive routine. You're choosing to sit and fester and while your life away because that's what the person sitting on the opposite sofa does?

I can understand you asking for help in how to motivate yourself out of your rut. But to blame OH....Nah. Fuck that shit. If nothing else your post has made me feel very proud of my own life and who I am.

I agree with the others, start being the good influence on the relationship and hopefully it will drag both of you out of the rut. Don't lose a good man over this.

You don't need a new partner to persuade you to go on hikes, join a walking group or go with a friend, or google some family friendly hikes and all go together. I think you do need some good outside nudges, but try to create those through friendships, podcasts, a gym class, instagram - whatever you find motivating.

Also, how old are your kids? Surely there's some little adventures you could go on with them, and they can bring the excitement!

Oh come on, it's not his job to "make you your best self", stop blaming him because you like to sit on your bum drinking wine and watching netflix!

I say this as someone who can happily remain sofa bound all weekend eating takis and demolishing wine - either own it or do something about it, don't push the blame onto someone else who is clearly quite content to live how he pleases.

Find your best self on your own. For god's sake I thought we'd stopped allowing the men in our lives to define who we are?

Sounds like the real problem is your anxiety and lack of self-control/self-motivation.

You are the only person that can please yourself

Making life changes and breaking habits (especially comfortable ones) is very very hard, and takes a long time. If you want too however pick achievable things that are small- because ultimately its the consistency that pays off.

Find a pub quiz team, a singing group, knitting/sewing.. something that you will have to interact with other outside your circle.

You do not need DH to be the best version of yourself
You need to work on self reliance and look
Into what's around you ?
Gym, swimming , martial arts Rock choir
Take yourself off to the nearest town and buy a new lipstick
Anything that reignites your interest in like
DH may well be interested enough to join you

Nice and easy, when dissatisfied with life, to look at the "reason" you're not happy enough as being your partner. That can be easily changed, by getting rid of them. Or you can avoid change, by not getting rid of them and just blaming them (as you are currently doing).

The alternative, which is much harder, is to acknowledge that you're responsible for yourself. No one makes you drink, you choose to. It actually isn't that difficult to stop drinking if you want to - and I speak as someone who drank heavily, daily, for years. It was also a feature of my marriage, like yours. In the end I got sick and tired of thinking about it all the time, promising myself I wouldn't and then letting myself down, the money I was spending, the health concerns. I just stopped. And to make sure I stayed stopped, I got a sober coach. Which costs, yes, but doesn't cost more than I was spending on alcohol at the time.

Not drinking will change your life and give you the energy to address the other things you're unhappy with.

Stop blaming your hapless DH and look at your own behaviour.