Husband doesn't make me my 'best self'

[holybaloni]

Such a wanky phrase I know. But true.
I love my dh dearly. He's a good man and a good father. But I don't feel like he encourages me to be a better person. He supports me with work and things like that but in our private life he's just dull and has bad habits that rub off on me. He's a big drinker which makes me drink. And I know that sounds weak but I do enjoy drinking and when someone around you does it, you find yourself following their lead. He buys booze for us and I just have it.
He doesn't particularly care about socialising and he is happy to look after the kids while I see friends but I end up feeling guilty about it. We rarely go out as a couple. We have fallen into a rut of a bottle of wine and Netflix.
Mostly we just sit on phones on separate sofas.
I'm not saying that I'd be better off without him but I do feel like without his influence I'd probably create a healthier, more productive routine. And people will say 'well do it anyway' but it's hard to break out of bad habits when the person who you're around 24/7 is happy with the easy, boring option.
On the other hand I have a friend who has gotten into a relationship with a really great guy and they are forever going on hikes and holidays and weekends away. I just feel like that zest for fun has gone with us, granted we have kids and very little childcare but I just need to find a way to break out of the rut.
I don't feel like I've outgrown him but I've definitely outgrown this depressing lifestyle.

You make your dh a better version of himself then.
Tell him you've made plans for the weekend and go out. Start there.
Take the kids out without him. He might get fomo and join in next time. He might not.

My dh is the same. Not with the drinking but he prefers staying at home. I get the frustration and the envy of other families having nice weekends.
I started taking my dc out by myself. I've taken them all over the country. We've done lots and seen lovely places. Sometimes dh comes and sometimes he doesn't. I feel like he's missed out. I haven't.

Sounds like you’re blaming someone else for your own lack of initiative.

I’m not sure you can blame your partner. Mine is similar (minus the drinking, but he does enjoy a few cigarettes of an evening), but I still go out and live my best life with my DC. I love DP dearly. He wouldn’t enjoy a lot of the things I do with DC, and it’s important that me and DC have time just the two of us. He then has “boys night” once or twice a month with DO while I’m out seeing friends.

It's not his fault it's yours, if you choose to follow people like a sheep instead of being your own person that's your choice not his.
Tell him you're not drinking Anymore and only buy enough for himself.
I think you are just bored, tell him to stop spending so much money on drink every day as you want a date night once a month.

Also make him so for a walk in the evening or a jog if you're up to it.
Go to the cinema or galleries or something, make him do stuff you both like.

Wow. Harsh responses on here!

OP I get it. Your partner massively influenced a you and their behavior naturally rubs off on you. It can be so tough to always be the “motivator”. Sometimes you want your partner to suggest things, organise things, or just WANT to do fun stuff. But some men are just not like that. They are lazy/lack motivation and that’s just who they are. Given the barbed responses on this thread, clearly that works both ways and there are plenty of women like this too!

He isn’t going to change, unfortunately. This is who he is. Try not to compare your relationship too much to your friend’s btw - they are in the honeymoon stage where is everything is fun and new and exciting, so naturally they’ll be wanting to go out and do things together.

If you want to stay with your DH you’ll have to rely on yourself. Don’t expect him to help or contribute. Make the life you’d like to have, try and include him, and focus on getting yourself out of the rut you’re in. And then try your best to accept he’s not got your level of motivation.

With young DC and no babysitters your life as a couplewill be constrained just until they are teens. However you have a built in babysitter unlike single parents so you can develop yourself.

Sounds like the two of you need a serious chat on drinking - not healthy for either and you could free up funds without it

So many people are happy to tell you just ch age and sort your own life out you're a grown women or even leave the marriage. If it was that easy you would have done it by now.

Have you actually talking to him about how he feels. He may feel the same as you and there you have a place to start from. It doesn't help that you don't have childcare. We don't and are in a similar rut.

It's a difficult time when you have children, life does tend to get more dull.

Have a chat with him about your relationship and how you're feeling. He's probably a bit the same.

See if you can find ways to connect again.

It's a nice weekend this weekend. Find somewhere to go and tell your dh that's what you're doing this weekend.

Imagine you're 15 yrs down the road and your kids are teenagers and doing their own thing. How do you want your dcs to remember their childhood?
I made it my goal that my dcs remembered lots of adventures and fun and I feel like I've done that. We don't always spend much. There are amazing places locally and lots up to a couple of hrs a drive away.

It's not only about the kids. It's about you too. How would you want to look back on your time in 10 yrs time? That you sat around drinking or that you did stuff and went places?
It's the only life you get as well.

Oh dear I could have predicted some of these replies.
Obviously I am responsible for my own choices. I am a grown woman. But when you are around someone 24/7 you can become influenced by their behaviours. It's not so much about his effect on me - clearly he doesn't have a duty to sort my life out - it's about becoming aware that we are quite mismatched.
Unsure why so many posters are being quite so tetchy really.

Well, you are hardly mismatched. You do exactly as he does. Apparently your ideal self doesn't match with his everyday self.

If he's always been this way, it sounds more like you're beginning to outgrow him rather than he's holding you back.

Exactly this. You’re a perfect match. You just wish you weren’t.

You're right, maybe being around someone 24/7 who relies on others for the motivation has made him lose his too?

I don't need him to live my life but as a married couple I assumed we'd be living more of it together. Not me going out and doing things alone or with friends because he'd rather be sat in his armchair drinking.
HTH.

(Think people have taken the title of this thread to heart and actually it probably was badly worded. I don't expect him to make me a better person but I do expect a joint effort to live a good life).

@saltinesandcoffeecups You’re a grown ass woman with agency. Any of your shortcomings is in your own head. Take some responsibility and make yourself the better person.

This ^ x 100

Doing things as a couple is harder when your children are young, but they won't stay that way for long. When they're older, you'll have plenty to of opportunities.

Suggest something to do with your dh, just you and him and find a baby sitter.

Because you are putting the blame on him. Go out and do stuff without him.

Have you actually sat down and had a clear to the point conversation about what you’re unhappy with and what you want to change?

That’s your first step. You can’t blame him if he doesn’t know you actually want change.

You need to be clear that you want less alcohol in the house, that you want to go out on date nights and have quality time, that you want to go on family walks on the weekend etc.

If you ask and then he doesn’t change, you have a problem but until that point you are just as much of an issue.

I do see what you're saying as my DH is content to sit at home everyday and I prefer to be out and about from time to time. I still go for long walks with the dogs but it can sometimes feel lonely and sometimes a bit frustrating. I don't feel like I need to be with my partner every minute of the day, but there is something refreshing about doing something outside your usual routine together.

I would probably start by asking him not to buy you wine sometimes, then have an activity planned for the next day. Like a hike with a friend or something which isn't fun when you're a bit hungover. Cutting back on the booze, eating better and getting outside can be really helpful in breaking the cycle of feeling stuck in a rut.

I think that what the poster is saying is that they’re a couple, she would like a happy married life, doing things as a couple and as a family. Not just going about her life doing stuff away from the family as if she’s 25 again. I absolutely get what you’re saying and hope life will get better for you. You need to talk openly and respectfully about what you want and how you can see that things have slipped in your marriage. Talk it through as much as you can. You have a husband and partner- he needs to see that your wants are as important a deal as his are. You have both gone into a malaise, but you can make changes. Getting out of the house, and doing anything together, is key - try that one first and the very best of luck.

Do you go out together with the DCs at the weekend - I would start with that, a walk,swimming,cinema if old enough.
I think if you break the mould so that you are more active it will be easier to take yourself out to whatever -especially on lovely summer evenings.

OP I get it - this could be me 18 months ago. My DH - great guy, but relaxes by sitting on the sofa, watching Netflix and drinking wine. Trips out would be (in my mind a great walk on the beach), but the reality would be 10 minutes walking and then we would have to stop for lunch, or a coffee, or the loo. I reached utter boredom point, couldn't believe this was it and then realised it wasn't. I decided to start doing things for me and stop waiting for him to suggest something.

I love art, but have never done it in my life so I bought some very basic watercolours, put on a YouTube video and gave it a go one weekend, and then started doing it in the evenings too. I arranged to stay with a girlfriend for a weekend at hers. We went to art museums, went out for dinner etc and had huge fun. Gradually DH saw that I was getting on with life, and to a certain extent he was being left behind. He now makes suggestions on activities for us and actively plans and participates. Last weekend was to a stately home and park - we had a great time critiquing admiring the decor and furniture and strolling the grounds. I started looking at something for this weekend, and he's now taken over to finalise our plans (hiking in a nature reserve).

I'd say your DP needs to see you doing stuff. To visually remind him that there's more to life than watching movies of other people doing stuff - it can be him too. Take encouragement from the fact that you've actually realised life is slipping away and that you know you need change. Now take the next step and organise something for you - invite him if you want, but if he doesn't want to come then you go anyway. And keep going. At the very least it will move you towards the person you want to be.

You haven't outgrown him until you're making different choices. What if he thinking the same about you?