Husband doesn't make me my 'best self'

[holybaloni]

Such a wanky phrase I know. But true.
I love my dh dearly. He's a good man and a good father. But I don't feel like he encourages me to be a better person. He supports me with work and things like that but in our private life he's just dull and has bad habits that rub off on me. He's a big drinker which makes me drink. And I know that sounds weak but I do enjoy drinking and when someone around you does it, you find yourself following their lead. He buys booze for us and I just have it.
He doesn't particularly care about socialising and he is happy to look after the kids while I see friends but I end up feeling guilty about it. We rarely go out as a couple. We have fallen into a rut of a bottle of wine and Netflix.
Mostly we just sit on phones on separate sofas.
I'm not saying that I'd be better off without him but I do feel like without his influence I'd probably create a healthier, more productive routine. And people will say 'well do it anyway' but it's hard to break out of bad habits when the person who you're around 24/7 is happy with the easy, boring option.
On the other hand I have a friend who has gotten into a relationship with a really great guy and they are forever going on hikes and holidays and weekends away. I just feel like that zest for fun has gone with us, granted we have kids and very little childcare but I just need to find a way to break out of the rut.
I don't feel like I've outgrown him but I've definitely outgrown this depressing lifestyle.

Has it occurred to you that your husband could very easily have written almost the exact same post?

Not really no. Because he's quite happy with his lot.

I've acknowledged my choice of words in the thread title wasn't the best.
However I believe marriage should be a joint effort. Every single holiday, day out, meal out is researched, booked, planned and totally organised by me. It's draining. If I didn't do it we wouldn't do anything. It makes me resentful and in that sense not my 'best self'.
But I agree that only I can change things for myself - ie choosing not to drink, choosing to spend my evenings more productively whether he wants to or not.
Plenty of posters have understood what I've said and offered helpful and constructive advice, but as always on AIBU there's a great deal who just want to be insulting and stick the boot in. Sad really.

ChooChoo makes valid points. And you posted in AIBU so don't be surprised if some of us think Yabu.

As others have said, you're equally sitting around on your phone, not living your best life. You admit that it's hard to find the motivation. So, your DH may feel the same about you and the marriage.

Stop staring at him expecting him to do all the work of making you a better person.

You're an adult - act like one. It's your job not his.

Buy something non alcoholic and have that with him instead. Tell him you're cutting down for your health and well being. Your choice.

Think up something you'd like to do and arrange that. Invite him. He says no? Go with friends.

Ask him what he'd love to do and ask him to arrange that. He doesn't? See previous point.

You're an individual - stop being passive aggressive and get assertive.

And stop being snippy with people who've done you the courtesy of answering your question with their opinion. YABU.

Your defensive, responses with no self reflection are giving the impression that you are not someone who takes responsibility for yourself and instead projects your issues on to others. If you work in this I promise your life will improve. If you don't you will stay in the same situation.

If you want your life to be different you need to do something different instead of waiting for others to change.

It is entirely to you what you decide to do though.

No self reflection but I've literally just admitted I used a poor choice of words and have agreed that I'm the one who needs to make changes to the lifestyle side of things?
I'm happy to take helpful advice on board, why else would I post? But it seems that some people here just want to insult and attack without offering much else.
The sad thing is dh actually enjoys holidays and days out, he just can't be arsed to plan them.

lol, you seriously blame your husband for your own choices and desire to drink and watch telly? As you’re envious of a friend. You can do all the stuff you wish, you don’t as you can’t be arsed. It’s not his fault,it’s yours.

Maybe he’s influenced by you. It’s not like you’re doing anything different. And maybe you’re together as you’re both the same.

@Sunnyandsilly I'm trying to do things differently. I'm the one who makes plans and executes anything we ever do. It's hard when you have no help or enthusiasm from the person you're supposed to go through life with.
I do enjoy drinking wine and watching telly. But it's about balance isn't it. He would happily do this and nothing else. That's not me but I'm finding it harder and harder to find the energy to keep being chief life planner for the whole family.
It would be nice for him to suggest things and plan things. That's all I'm saying.

I haven't insulted you I've just pointed out that you are in control of your own life and you can change it. If you are reading that as an insult then you don't want to, which is your choice. Not your husband's.

It is hard but he probably won't change. There are a lot of people like this, including my dh. Dh has his good points and bad points, he's generous, supportive, encouraging, hands on but he just doesn't get my love for going out and getting more out of life. I'll organise something and I can tell he doesn't want to go. He will and even in holidays, it'll take him a couple of days to wind down and start embracing it.

If your dh enjoys it if he is out then you may have to accept that you have different roles when it comes to this and just enjoy it for what it is.

I give up on here I really do lol I get it completely OP I left my ex husband because he was sucking the life out of me and I had zero motivation to do anything and he was happy to sit there because he was alright and unless you have been stuck in that situation its not as easy as just "pulling yourself together and making all the changes" despite what some other posters are saying. My next relationship was so so different and he always wanted me to be a better version of myself and encouraged me to try new things and he actually gave a shit about me and wanted me to be happy and it felt like a completely equal relationship and it made me realise that a relationship is about helping each other grow together and I will always love him for that. We got engaged on the 13th February this year and I have never been happier but he unfortunately died on the 28th February which was completely unexpected and of course I'm devastated but I don't regret any of it and he has made me a better person. Just to add that of course it was up to me to change it and I did by leaving the person that took all of my motivation (before anyone starts with telling me it wasn't up to my ex husband to sort my life out lol) it's not impossible to change yourself but it's easier said than done while you are stuck where you are

@Ihopeithinkiknow I'm so sorry for your loss, that sounds heartbreaking for you 💔

I do enjoy drinking wine and watching telly. But it's about balance isn't it. He would happily do this and nothing else.

I totally get you op. Presumably you have spoken to him about this before? Does he tell you that he just doesnt want to make an effort to do what you need? Does he understand you are frustrated by always having to plan things? Have you asked him before if he can put more effort in?

I will say that some people are just shit at thinking of things to do and places to go. If he actually cares about how you feel and putting effort Into your life together, maybe you could help by giving him a list of things you have enjoyed doing in the past, and ask him to research, book or arrange something once per month or whatever.

Of course it would be lovely for him to come up with something good by himself but he probably just isn't as good as you at that.

If he doesn't care about making the effort then maybe the marriage has run its course.

I think you're offloading blame unfairly on your dh for your own choices.

You are calling him dull, but, if you are being honest, might it be that you are dull at the moment?

I think it's reasonable not to be happy with how things are and to try to change them.

Ihopeithinkiknow
I'm so sorry for you loss. You sound like an amazing woman who knows her worth. Well done to you for taking control of your life and going for what you want.

It would be nice for him to suggest things and plan things. That's all I'm saying.

I totally see what you're saying, but if he's happy with his lot, he's probably not got much incentive to try and make changes.

I think, like I mentioned upthread, the issue is that you're starting to outgrow what you have as a couple and that can lead to resentment and frustration.

I totally get you. You want a different way of spending down time and leisure opportunities together. He doesn't. I am in same boat. It's sucking the joy out of life. i don't want to spend every evening eating the evening meal in bed whilst watching shit TV. No chat, no exchange of ideas. Conversations are a one way way effort met with grunts or silence.

I have read what you’ve written.

You blame him for your drinking and his bad habits rubbing off on you.

You are a grown adult in control of their own behaviour.

I know couples where one has smoked for years and the other has never touched a cigarette in their life.

You don’t need to do everything your partner does and if you choose to do what they do, then you need to accept that it is your choice and the only one to blame is yourself.

You cannot blame your partner for your faults and if that’s the case then DH should be blaming you for all of your faults and bad habits.

Can you imagine him coming on here saying that he and saying what you’ve said, he’d be torn to shreds.

If you are not happy in your relationship because you’ve both grown apart then that’s fine and something to ask advice on but you cannot blame someone else for your poor choices.

You cant blame your husband or others this is a you problem.

I hear you too OP.
My DP is similar to the DH above....
It's easy to say do it all for you by yourself but that's why there's such a term as say peer pressure; 'tell me who your friends are ..' etc. (none of which is a perfect comparison but you get the idea.)

Why people complain about others constantly bringing cakes to work...

Yes you / I can do it by ourselves, but with a lot more effort. We are social animals after all.

It would be nice for him to suggest things and plan things. That's all I'm saying.

I really do understand this. It can be very frustrating always having to be the organiser.

However, I think your frustration at this is leading you to treat your husband as someone to blame. You’ve slipped into the mindset that, if your husband wasn’t so lethargic and set in his ways, you’d have more exciting hobbies, you wouldn’t be overdoing the wine, you’d be going off to amazing places etc… It’s become easier to blame him and convince yourself he’s dragging you down than it is to accept that you’re not helping yourself. (Much like it’s easier for you to blame everyone here for being rude/insulting/tetchy and all the other words you’ve used to make out we’ve all got you all wrong.)

This reminds me of a thread about a year back from a woman whose partner was a “fussy eater”. Apparently it was affecting her diet too; it just wasn’t worth cooking anything decent just for her, it was a waste of money, it was sooooo expensive getting different food for him, what was the point of her sad little few bits of veg, she may as well just eat as badly as him… I asked more than once on that thread what she thought single people did and whether we were all dying of scurvy. She never answered - because that would be admitting that she was blaming her husband for her bad diet when she was doing nothing about it herself. Of course, MN hates a fussy eater, so she got support, but the fact remains that millions of single people cook for themselves perfectly well, and have no partner to blame if they “find themselves” eating poorly.

The same is true for you. Yes, you’re in a partnership, so it would be nice if he made more effort in this area. But if you were on your own, you’d have to make all the effort - so why is it his fault when you don’t?

Thank you this is a helpful way of looking at it. I don't mean to blame him. I could easily say no to a glass of wine and take myself off for a walk alone. I suppose deep down I'm not the most dynamic person either and probably do need someone to gee me up a bit for these things. Now that I'm with someone who is even less dynamic than me I am finding that I'm the one trying to keep things exciting and clearly failing.
So yes I'm as much to blame.

Relationships are all about compromise.

Its ok if his idea of fun is staying in and watching TV and drinking and it’s ok if yours is going out and exploring new places etc.

But you both need to have some time doing what the other person wants.

I would suggest speaking to him and saying once a fortnight you want to do something that you want to do as a couple.
And then the alternate weekends he can choose what you do as a couple.

Unfortunately though, you can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to and it may be a case of you deciding whether you’re happy just doing these things alone/with friends and staying in the relationship or whether you want to find a partner who is more like you are now.

I always wonder how couples can get together at a young age and stay together for years because we all grow and change so much.

It may be that you’ve both simply grown apart.

I do not know one woman whose partner makes them 'the best version of themselves.' One definitely encourages my friend to drink more alcohol and more often than she would otherwise (and also burp in company), one makes her feel bad about her completely normal spending habits, others have less time / inclination for hobbies / seeing friends so I don't count being more insular as a 'better version' either.