Husband doesn't make me my 'best self'

[holybaloni]

Such a wanky phrase I know. But true.
I love my dh dearly. He's a good man and a good father. But I don't feel like he encourages me to be a better person. He supports me with work and things like that but in our private life he's just dull and has bad habits that rub off on me. He's a big drinker which makes me drink. And I know that sounds weak but I do enjoy drinking and when someone around you does it, you find yourself following their lead. He buys booze for us and I just have it.
He doesn't particularly care about socialising and he is happy to look after the kids while I see friends but I end up feeling guilty about it. We rarely go out as a couple. We have fallen into a rut of a bottle of wine and Netflix.
Mostly we just sit on phones on separate sofas.
I'm not saying that I'd be better off without him but I do feel like without his influence I'd probably create a healthier, more productive routine. And people will say 'well do it anyway' but it's hard to break out of bad habits when the person who you're around 24/7 is happy with the easy, boring option.
On the other hand I have a friend who has gotten into a relationship with a really great guy and they are forever going on hikes and holidays and weekends away. I just feel like that zest for fun has gone with us, granted we have kids and very little childcare but I just need to find a way to break out of the rut.
I don't feel like I've outgrown him but I've definitely outgrown this depressing lifestyle.

Yeah you'll get a load of "take responsibility blah blah blah" - but there's a saying, if you want to change yourself, change your environment.

@holybaloni you are responsible for yourself and the choices you make.

I see your wanky 'best self' phrase and I raise you, 'be the change you want to see'.

You are really not taking enough responsibility for your own life here. It's easy to blame DH and that you're being led along but the truth is, it's easier for you this way.

End your marriage or don't but you'll always end up with yourself and it's unlikely you'll be a picture of health.

This! Stop blaming other people for your choices and make things happen for yourself.

Have you thought about how you can be an influence on him?

Not that my relationship is perfect, but we know when to be strong willed and when to compromise. For instance I had gestational diabetes and something that changed was eating wholemeal - especially brown rice. We make lots of rice based dishes. I decided to keep the brown rice in my diet, he hated the idea. So I said I will buy my own rice, and make brown. If you want white you will have to make it yourself. Now he will have brown rice. If he happens to cook white rice, I’ll still have it but he is less fussy about it now.

You could maybe go for a walk in your own, and have that as a routine, then eventually ask him to join. Or maybe you could have a family trip once a month - it could be a museum or farm or something. It’s difficult with children but focus on one task that you can do as a routine and stick to it whilst bribing the family along eventually.

Why is it his fault and not your own?

Do something about it!

"I't isn't my fault, a big boy made me do it"
No, lovey, this is all down to you. No-one is responsible for making you your best/worst/mediocre self
No-one is responsible for your career, salary, teeth, personality, nor are others to be blamed for your own fecklessness.
Your poor husband.; he probably things you have a great relationship. Little does he know how much disdain you have for him.

I do get it OP, but I also agree with those saying it's important to look at your own part in it.

You can do all the things you want to do yourself. It's all within your power.

It sounds like seeing your friend's new relationship is making you reflect on your own, but you can't really compare.

For one thing, that relationship is still in the new exciting phase, whereas presumably you've been with your husband a few years at least - it's not the same and they may well fall into similar patterns as you in a few years time. It's normal and happens to the best of us.

If you want to make a change, you can't expect your husband to do it for you - you need to initiate it yourself. No one else is going to 'make you your best self'. You need to do that yourself.

Do you actually want to be hiking in your free time (in which case just get out there and do it!) or is the real issue that you want want your DH to be more proactive, plan some activities and invest more effort in the relationship? It sounds like you've both stopped making an effort and are drifting and that is something you should address.

Also if your husband is perfectly happy with your situation/ relationship, why would he initiate any kind of change? He probably doesn't even know that you are unhappy. You really do need to take ownership, OP.

If this isn't the life you want then it's not your husband's responsibility to change it, especially if he is perfectly happy with it. It's up to you.

Have you had a proper discussion with him about what you'd want to be doing? I can well imagine you've both slipped into these habits together. I.e., if whenever he buys drinks you drink them with him, he's going to think you also enjoy drinking. If he's having a laze around and you always join him, he is going think you're happy lazing around.

Maybe you just need to be leading by example so he can be his best self?

Hmm. I definitely see where you’re coming from. But it’s the classic thing of the only person you can change is yourself. Are YOU trying to liven up your life and get away from the wine and Netflix? I hate when people answer like that and put it back on the woman, but in this case literally we’re all only in charge of ourselves.

Just thought I’d add some ideas/examples - date nights, at home date nights (portrait night, pottery night, game night, no-phone movie night).
Go out for an evening walk together or alone.
Put music on while you both do jobs and THEN sit down on the sofa - obviously polishing a turd there but music and co-operating on a task can lighten the mood.
Join a club and leave him on the sofa so he can enjoy his wine and telly.

Do it, difgicult yrs, but not impossible.
Take the children on hikes and cycling.
And have an orange juice while watching TV.
But the worst is to sit to watch tv with someone and being on the phone! Why that? And in a different sofa to your DH. Change one thing at a time and you will get there.

I know what you mean OP. I think that DH brings out the best in me and it is one of the things I love about him.

Sorry about that: all those letters mean to say "difficult, yes" Lol

I do see what she means of course it’s up to her that’s obvious but those in your life do have influence that’s undeniable.

Im the opposite Dh is super fit and ripped if I was with someone more low key I would definitely do less exercise

I think, in this case, OP is going to bring out the best of him.

Does nobody make themselves their best self anymore?

Maybe she isn't making him his best self.

Why do we have to be our best selves? Why can't we just be normal and stop haranguing ourselves all the time?

If your friend’s relationship is new, the fun activities and trips may well tail off.

If you can afford weekends away would your husband refuse to go? If not, it may mean that you will be the one doing all the organising, but it would be a start.

Unless he is an alcoholic, he may be drinking from boredom too.

Seems like a good conversation about a relationship overhaul is needed

DH and I went through a phase like that. It’s hard when the kids are younger, but ours are teens now. Last year we jointly decided to do something more creative with our evenings - DH likes cooking and music/playing guitar and I either do gardening, embroidery, reading or writing.
We sometimes just go for an evening walk by the sea or into town.
When the kids were younger it was mostly activities that they could do too like breakfast out followed by a countryside walk.

Why do you need another person to live the life you want? This is your problem; not his/

Or study for something? I’ve done a couple of qualifications in the evenings.