Husband doesn't make me my 'best self'

[holybaloni]

Such a wanky phrase I know. But true.
I love my dh dearly. He's a good man and a good father. But I don't feel like he encourages me to be a better person. He supports me with work and things like that but in our private life he's just dull and has bad habits that rub off on me. He's a big drinker which makes me drink. And I know that sounds weak but I do enjoy drinking and when someone around you does it, you find yourself following their lead. He buys booze for us and I just have it.
He doesn't particularly care about socialising and he is happy to look after the kids while I see friends but I end up feeling guilty about it. We rarely go out as a couple. We have fallen into a rut of a bottle of wine and Netflix.
Mostly we just sit on phones on separate sofas.
I'm not saying that I'd be better off without him but I do feel like without his influence I'd probably create a healthier, more productive routine. And people will say 'well do it anyway' but it's hard to break out of bad habits when the person who you're around 24/7 is happy with the easy, boring option.
On the other hand I have a friend who has gotten into a relationship with a really great guy and they are forever going on hikes and holidays and weekends away. I just feel like that zest for fun has gone with us, granted we have kids and very little childcare but I just need to find a way to break out of the rut.
I don't feel like I've outgrown him but I've definitely outgrown this depressing lifestyle.

My first husband didn't drink too much, had a healthy lifestyle, and so did I, but I wasn't my best self, I realised later that he needed me to be 'less' than him. My second husband drank too much, and smoked for the first 5 years of our relationship, but he was so proud of me, and my achievements, and encouraged me to do things I was nervous about. He really did help me towards being my best self, and I hope I helped and supported him to reach his best, before he died. However being your best doesn't always start with giving up drinking and lazing around. Doing something that interests you, and that you enjoy would be a start.

I don’t agree, I would be seriously upset and miserable if this was my marriage! It sounds joyless. You may as well be single if you have to plan a whole other life without him.

You can't blame him for your inaction. Go and do what you want. Marriage should not mean doing everything together or relying on the other person to be happy with life and yourself. You're still individuals.

Just that small matter about having kids and dissolving their home life with both parents because you got bored of your dh doing exactly what you've been doing.

I'd take this advice and see what happens.

@holybaloni I know what you mean about being influenced by the behaviour of the person you spend all of your time with, but the reality is that works both ways, both of you have the power to be that “better” influence- not just him.

If you want to start living a healthier lifestyle, less alcohol, eating better, hiking, exercise etc, do that! As you’ve said yourself, most people are influenced by the person they spend most of their time with, so you can be that influence rather than waiting for him to mind read and be that influence. You may find that actually if you stop drinking/eat better/start exercising more then he takes your lead and then you can encourage each other on.

Always good to have a scapegoat for your short comings to look across at and think "if it wasn't for you, I'd have written that novel"

Sounds like you and your dh have lived life a certain way. Now you are seeing your friend in a new relationship and it’s new, exciting and different to yours and you are a bit jealous.

And instead of looking at ways you can improve your life, you are placing the blame at his door. You are at the point where you feel in a rut. But instead of doing something you expect him to also want to change, because you now do.

You are in the mindset that you want to change. He isn’t. He is doing what’s been the status quo. You want change so it’s your job to lead on it. Which includes talking to him to about what you feel is missing and find a way to make you both happy.

You can’t expect him to just magically know you want to change things up and know exactly how you want to.

and you might be married but you aren’t the same person. Changing it up may not look the same to him as it does to you.

People are being very harsh. I have a husband like this, and it's like swimming against a current. You know you should make headway on your own, but it's harder because you're being subtly pushed in the other direction.

External motivation only goes so far and relying on someone else to change your habits is rarely going to work in the long term. After all, these are your habits too not just your husbands. You need to find your intrinsic motivation to make changes for yourself, you might even start to motivate your husband to make some positive changes once you aren't enabling the bad habits. Could you start with an open conversation with your husband around some healthy changes you could both make as a team?

I suppose the point is though, BOTH people in a relationship are capable of being “the current”. It’s not the case that one person sets the current and the other just has to wait to be pushed, you can reverse that and start subtly pushing back.

Weirdly, it doesn't seem like he's being influenced by your behaviours, he's doing what he wants, what makes him happy.

You're the one who's not happy, you're the one who needs to change your behaviours. If you want to get out and do stuff, then get out and do stuff. If you want to stop drinking and be healthier, then stop drinking and be healthier. Stop using your husband as an excuse to be lazy yourself.

And yes, maybe that means that you grow apart, but that sometimes happens with couples, and you deal with it when you need to.

Your husband is not responsible for your happiness. Noone is but you. Take control.

I hear you, too. It’s very hard to motivate yourself in those circumstances - and when you’re tired and overworked. I do understand. Maybe try for one small change first. Just one evening where you sign up for a walking group or some such thing. You might find it inspires you.

Good answer

imagine you are not together- what would you be doing differently when you are stuck at home with your kids of an evening? How would you feel if he met someone else and your kids have another home and step mum?
I think the thing is life can get monotonous and boring when you have young kids. You’re in control- you need to think about what you want and what you want to do. Obviously it’s hard to go out together but try and do something with friends regularly. Life is what you make it.

I opened this thinking it would be about arguments or something.

He is not responsible for your life being boring. I can relate to this, still. But it's a you problem. You do what you want to do. Don't rely on him to be your everything.

If you love socialising then it shouldn't really be a problem for you to go out with friends or start a new hobby. Plan something nice and take the initiative yourself, come on!

I agree, it’s difficult to change your life without changing your environment/husband.

In terms of changing husbands, do remember the grass is not always greener on the other side. Frying pan into the fire situations exist, too, be careful of that and midlife crisis ideas.

My husband is a bit like this and older than me too so a double whammy! He does like fishing though which I don’t like. I was feeling a bit meh about life and lacked confidence so started to force myself to say yes to more things, I’ve ended up in a couple of weekly fitness groups and doing some volunteering work, I’m on a committee and help out at sporting events, I’m now really busy! I feel 100% better and my husband is bemused by my flurry of activity but generally supportive as long as he’s not expected to do anything! We got a campervan, my son and I go off hiking up a mountain, my husband has a wander round lower levels, maybe takes a grandad nap and cooks something nice for our return when we are hungry and tired, everyone is happy and has something to talk about.

… and who sounds horrific to be around,

At least you’re DH isn’t harassing you about your lifestyle. The ability to do something about it is there and it lies with you. It seems to me that a reasonable rephrasing of your post might be “ should I leave my DH because I lack motivation to live the way I want to?” He doesn’t sound as though he’s stopping you. I know a bit of solidarity can help; but I’d rather the motivation came from me not a DH nagging/shaming/ bossing me into it.

Kindly, I think you’re blaming him to let yourself off the hook.

What would your DH say if you spoke to him and said you'd like to come up with some healthier routines and do more and is he on board and could he make some suggestions? Maybe he feels similar or there are things he'd like to change?

I have the same to some extent with DP (although partly because he works so much so needs downtime when he's at home) and I totally get it's hard to break out of routines (especially drinking) even when you are by yourself. If you have another person very wedded to the routine, it's very very hard.

Can you make small changes gradually? The Kindness Method book is really good for making gentle changes with an emphasis on being kind to yourself and has helped me a little although I need to revisit it!

Individuals aside, someone needs to find their marriage rewarding and enjoyable in order to feel happy and want to remain within it.

Op why not post here what you have done towards a change each day? I’m sensing you might be the type ( I am) to enjoy a collaborative approach, which is maybe what you feel he is not providing.

It sounds like you are the bad influence and perhaps you don’t make your husband the best version of himself.

Perhaps focus on yourself and stop blaming everyone else for your faults and take some responsibility for yourself.

Maybe if you sort yourself out, then your DH can finally be the best version of himself.

Do something he enjoys alone and give him FOMO!

Sigh. Please try and read what I've written before becoming personal. So depressingly predictable.