Husband doesn't make me my 'best self'

[holybaloni]

Such a wanky phrase I know. But true.
I love my dh dearly. He's a good man and a good father. But I don't feel like he encourages me to be a better person. He supports me with work and things like that but in our private life he's just dull and has bad habits that rub off on me. He's a big drinker which makes me drink. And I know that sounds weak but I do enjoy drinking and when someone around you does it, you find yourself following their lead. He buys booze for us and I just have it.
He doesn't particularly care about socialising and he is happy to look after the kids while I see friends but I end up feeling guilty about it. We rarely go out as a couple. We have fallen into a rut of a bottle of wine and Netflix.
Mostly we just sit on phones on separate sofas.
I'm not saying that I'd be better off without him but I do feel like without his influence I'd probably create a healthier, more productive routine. And people will say 'well do it anyway' but it's hard to break out of bad habits when the person who you're around 24/7 is happy with the easy, boring option.
On the other hand I have a friend who has gotten into a relationship with a really great guy and they are forever going on hikes and holidays and weekends away. I just feel like that zest for fun has gone with us, granted we have kids and very little childcare but I just need to find a way to break out of the rut.
I don't feel like I've outgrown him but I've definitely outgrown this depressing lifestyle.

My dh bring out the best in me, it’s a 100% possible and normal in my circles.

While I don’t think anyone should be held responsible for a spouse/partner not being ‘the best version of themselves’, DH has certainly contributed to me living a bigger, braver version of the life I would have been capable of without his support. We’re both WC kids who were the first in our families to stay at school past 15, far less go to university, and we met as students and supported and challenged one another into having lives we could never have imagined.

Mumsnet regularly has posts about people feeling lonely. If it was as much fun to do stuff alone eg walks, theatre , pub. Then no one would be lonely - it’s more usual to do stuff with a companion- not necessarily all the time but I think posts are a bit disingenuous implying everyone can happily go it alone.

This in spades instead of sitting on here complaining that your husband isn’t making you your best self try making yourself your best self if you want to go out for a walk then do it or find a bunch of like minded people to go for a walk with if your dh is happy to take care of the kids while you go out. Ask yourself this what is holding YOU back from doing the things that will make you happy because I can guarantee it’s not your DH it’s you. You know you don’t need your DH to be your cheerleader be your own cheerleader so put down the glass of wine and get out for some fresh air while we have the lighter nights. I do get what you mean my DH is the exact same just without the drinking we go on once a month cinema dates that are all planned by me our holidays are all planned and paid for by me I would love it if my DH one day surprised me by planing a date night or a mini break but I know that’s not something he will do but he does little things for me in his own way so I can accept him never planning anything that’s just the way he is.

I think people are being a bit unfair to you, OP. Marriage is meant to be about companionship and living a shared life. Of course you don't want to be too clingy and stifle each other, but it's not a shared life if you always have to look for personal fulfilment and that 'spark' in personal relationships (and I'm not talking about this in a sexual sense, more those friendships and human interactions that energise you and leave you refreshed) outside your marriage. If you just go and do your own exciting thing, and he stays at home and does his boring thing, eventually you'll just be housemates who share your children.

Doing things alone definitely beats sitting at home drinking and watching Netflix, when that's not what you want to do.

You'll get experiences that you would otherwise miss out on if you refuse to go because friends or partners don't want to join.

Life is for living, don't waste it because you don't want to do things on your own.

I stopped expecting much from DH years ago, he’s perfectly content doing very little (and nothing that includes me) so I do my own thing and am much happier for it.
I will no longer do all the work for going on holiday unless it’s just me going. He was so bloody miserable when we were away last year I nearly killed him!
I have got myself a dog, we go out everyday and she’s far better company.
Maybe I should have left years ago but it’s me who’s been the main breadwinner, me who’s bought virtually everything in the house and me who does housework, gardening etc

Is he disabled or perhaps suffering from learning difficulties?

If you are his carer and pay all the bills, what is his contribution?

Sounds like a classic cocklodging situation, he must be incredible in bed with a penis made of gold glazed with diamonds.

@PremiumListing none of those! I honestly wouldn’t remember what he’s like in bed, haven’t shared a room for many years!
He does have health conditions (as do I), he’s just like his father unfortunately.
I’m content doing my own thing, I have enough money to be reasonably comfortable, and I love my house and garden.

Is he disabled or perhaps suffering from learning difficulties?

@PremiumListing what the fuck?? Where did you pluck these thoughts from?

I do understand your point OP, living with someone their behaviour does affect you, and can drag you down. If your DH is a nice person with the flaw of being a bit slothful I wouldn't break up over that especially if you have kids. It really comes down to if you get on and he is good to you, I don't think you should stay with someone who isn't nice to be around or takes advantage of you. If he pulls his weight with household chores and contributes to the family income and so on but is just lazy and a bit dull when it comes to leisure time then I think you could work with that.
Firstly it sounds like he is happy to stay home with the kids while you go out which gives you the opportunity to do some kind of hobby, join a club or class, great for being your best self. Don't feel guilty as this is making life better for both of you rather than you starting to resent him. If you go to something organised like a class it will give you that motivation that you don't get from him.

The other thing I could suggest is having some kind of routine for doing things together that are a bit more active than Netflix and wine. If it's something regular he may get used to it and start to like it and it will be less effort for you in planning compared to doing something spontaneous. I would try to make it something fairly chilled so its not too much for him, but still a step up from the sofa. Maybe you could go out to dinner once a week and have a couple of regular places you choose from, Sunday afternoon could be set aside to do something a bit more active such as if nice weather a shortish country walk, if rainy a browse round the bookshops and a coffee. Once thats a routine you could add in a bit of a longer walk sometimes or something like that. Fitting round any activities the kids do, of course.

What is it that keeps you in? There must be something.