Male carer changing daughter’s nappy

[FirstTimeMummyHK]

AIBU to expect the nursery to tell me in advance that a man has now joined the nursery and will be changing my daughter’s nappy? We have been with this nursery for a while and there were only female carers there. The other day I went to pick up my daughter and there was a man sitting in there and I asked the nursery manager quietly
whether he changes my daughter and she said yes he would do. The nursery manager was very grumpy that I mentioned it. I was very nice and
polite to her. I felt that her reaction to my
question was unnecessarily grumpy. I am part of a religion where it’s quite a big deal to separate men and woman although we are not orthodox. I understand that nurseries wish to preserve equality etc and I am
a huge supporter of
men taking on caring roles. However AIBU to expect to be told in advance that a man would be changing my daughter / taking her to the toilet/ wiping her private area??

Working with children is one thing, but changing them is quite another.

I find it odd that people trying to make out that men and women are essentially the same. Men are sexually very different to women.

(I have gone down the nanny route in my own home partly because I feel more comfortable knowing who is looking after my daughter).

Yes @Hellodarknessmyfriend

"Sexually different" in what way?

So many posts like this saying "I've had a male nurse/caregiver and I didn't care a jot"

That's great you felt fine about it. Would you be telling op she's insane or sexist/ stereotyping if she was writing a post saying she was uncomfortable with a male nurse providing intimate care and would it bu to ask for a female nurse? Imagine giving that response to a woman who's been abused in the past. Highly, highly doubt you'd be saying the same.

Just because you feel fine with it doesn't mean other women have to. It also doesn't mean that parents have to feel OK with certain types of care for their child because you feel its OK for yours. Surely that is where parents are entitled to personal discretion. There's things I do with and for my son every day that my parents think I'm mad for doing, that my friends wouldn't necessarily do for their kids of the same age, and there's things they've all done that I don't feel is the right fit for my child and my family from diet, to discipline, to feeding or sleeping. All basic aspects of care. Why would this be the one area where parents need to bow down and say, this feels highly wrong to me and I don't feel its right for my child but go right ahead?

Right, then. So considering that, of men who are abusers (women too, but we'll leave that for now), they are far more likely to be living with and/or known to their victims than a stranger/in a non-home setting; in order to minimise the risk to our children, we must forthwith:

Refuse to allow fathers (or grandads/uncles/adult brothers) to take responsibility for looking after their child alone;

Never allow a male family member to change a baby's nappy - this is a job for women only;

Never allow a male family member to get up to care for a waking child whilst the child's mother remains asleep - the man must be encouraged to remain sleeping whilst the woman does every waking, even if she has work in the morning and he doesn't - this is the only safe way;

Never allow a divorced/separated dad to look after his child alone - children must live with and be the sole responsibility of their mother 24/7, when not in school, no matter how much she might fancy being able to go out to work or have any time for herself.

Welcome to 2024, folks - these are so much fairer, more enlightened times, when men are no longer allowed to resort to sexist ancient stereotypes in order to justify their laziness and selfishness...

Don't be so obtuse it's clearly very different having your own children to choosing to work with them at such a young age. Unfortunately I do get the points the devil's advocates on here are trying to make - it seems very cruel and insulting to suggest all males interested in this role are predators. I'm not saying all of them are as a blanket rule but I work in the justice system and I have bags of real life examples where they have been and it really isn't worth the risk. It's a red flag from me and in these sort of situations being potentially an overprotective, illogical, insane or not particularly woke, even sexist ( I think someone called the op this ) parent is so much less dangerous than being bullied into being a cool mum. As for the person above who quoted me saying her male colleagues were brilliant, great I hope they were but predators don't usually act up or make it extremely clear that they are sinister and frankly an ex colleague thinking they're brilliant is just giving people that do have ulterior motives exactly the sort of reaction they need - 'oh but they were always lovely', well yes they won't want hostility will they. Again, I'm not saying all are but a fair amount are and that is based on fact. Also dbs checks means fuck all, just means you haven't been caught for anything.

Of course she can?

If I’ve hired a female childminder, and one day I arrive at the house and an unknown man is changing my daughters nappy, do I have to just suck it up? Do I have no control over that as a parent? Why is that any different from OP, who chose to send her child to a nursery with all-female staff, and didn’t realise it had changed?

She can state who is allowed to change her child. She can move nurseries if she does not trust them to comply. She is in control here and its her right as a parent.

I worked in a nursery where there were only ever two permanent staff and we drafted in additional help if needed. It was in a high support setting and at times the other staff member would be needed for something. So I'd have taken over whatever she was doing to free her up. There's no reason why that couldn't happen here since there shouldn't be a male worker on his own anyway. The male staff member should be able to take over for the female staff member if needed. Going on this post many parents would be fine with nappy changes by a male staff member so it's not likely to be completely unmanageable.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. If I found out a man was changing my daughter everyday I'd pull her out of the nursery.
Too many pedo men around these days

Who cares what you do or don’t do before marriage. You chose your religion. Not the nursery.

Why would you expect other people to adopt the sexism observed in your religion?

@SirAlfredSpatchcock
Absolutely this.
My husband works in social care working with a wide range of incredibly vulnerable people; both men and women.
He is one of the very few men in his team and I am very proud of him.

Obviously a bloke any bloke, your husband, dad, brother, nephew, son is gonna see a poonami and have sexual thoughts while he's changing 60+ nappies a day while on nappy duty. Because the revolving door of bum changes is that exciting.

Tbh we should be concerned when they are on food duty, they might slip drugs into their quiche or formula...

And no paedo women?
Or female nursery staff who abuse and kill the kids in their care?

@YellowCloud Because no nursery setting is legally allowed to specify they will only employ women!

1 in 10 children have been sexually abused, many women and men are survivors of sexual abuse. The vast majority of abusers are men.

this is true and the very vast majority of the we male abusers are family members…… fathers, brothers, uncles, grandfathers would you object to them giving your daughter a bath or changing their nappy on the same grounds?

Given that paedophiles (who are almost always men) will take jobs that give them access to children, it seems remarkably naive to say "he's a professional" and that it's some sort of insult to not want a man delivering intimate care to a little girl.

Bit of a low blow isn't it to bring the one off death of a child into it to make a point about women? Nobody's said women can't be predators but just that the op has a right to be extremely worried about this particular male in her daughters nursery.

No, she cannot insist on a female only nursery. If a nursery refused to employ male staff, it would be discriminatory and illegal.

Thank youuu. And if someone is a predaotor like this they LOVE the women who are trying to out cool everyone on this thread sticking up for them, perfect grooming targets.

@SirAlfredSpatchcock you don't see any difference in your child being cared for by a known trusted male who you've lived with and possibly been cared for yourself, than a man you don't know at all? In a setting you aren't completely familiar with?

The reason WHY men who live with a child are more likely to abuse them isn't because of their relationship with the child. It's about their level of access to that child. My son spends 5 full days a week in nursery. So by that logic he would spend more waking hours with a male nursery worker than with his own father.

The problem with your post is that you're essentially crying "not all men" ... we aren't stupid. We know it's not all men. We do know it's more likely to be men with access though. Noone in this thread that I've seen has made the giant leap you've made that suddenly fathers can't parent their child and grandparents can't babysit and that single dads can't have custody. Although again, funnily enough in every one of those situations that's based on the safety of the child and the right of men to have that access to the child still doesn't trump the child's right to dignity and safety. Which is why some parents decide that its not safe for their kids to be at grandparents. Which is why some men don't get custody arrangements.

None of the above is about punishing women or dialling back equality. It's about YOUR right as a parent to speak up if you feel uncomfortable on your child's behalf. I imagine that's something you'd not want to lose - but that means you can't argue that op doesn't have that right just because you disagree with her particular reasoning.

@19lottie82 Oh my gosh. My husband is also a stepfather to my two sons as well as a bio father to our daughter.
Sometimes I go out and leave them alone with him.
I'm a truly terrible mother.

I'm sure there are nurseries for DC where they just happen to have all female staff. I have 3 DC and none of their nurseries had male workers. You could try to find one for your DD. Sadly, it is known that although there are female paedophiles, most do tend to be male, and they are often drawn to occupations where they have access to DC.

YANBU I wouldn't be happy one bit and would very likely change nurseries.