Male carer changing daughter’s nappy

[FirstTimeMummyHK]

AIBU to expect the nursery to tell me in advance that a man has now joined the nursery and will be changing my daughter’s nappy? We have been with this nursery for a while and there were only female carers there. The other day I went to pick up my daughter and there was a man sitting in there and I asked the nursery manager quietly
whether he changes my daughter and she said yes he would do. The nursery manager was very grumpy that I mentioned it. I was very nice and
polite to her. I felt that her reaction to my
question was unnecessarily grumpy. I am part of a religion where it’s quite a big deal to separate men and woman although we are not orthodox. I understand that nurseries wish to preserve equality etc and I am
a huge supporter of
men taking on caring roles. However AIBU to expect to be told in advance that a man would be changing my daughter / taking her to the toilet/ wiping her private area??

My older dd's nursery had a man join the staff. I thought it was great they weren't just seeing women all day. If you have a religious reason for not wanting a man doing intimate care for your dd then I think that's a fair request. Just be mindful how you word it.

No one will be touching her vagina though, the vulva is the external genitals, vagina is only internal and self cleaning, so no wiping there.

@Ace56 Not even if a teacher in Early Years? Where there is a significant number of children not toilet trained?

I've had male nurses wiping my arse, I had a male midwife deliver one of my kids.
As long as they're competent with their roles I couldn't care less.
Same for whichever sex changes my kids nappies.

I disagree, the dynamic is completely different with a male caring intimately for a woman in a vulnerable position than the other way round. (Although I would still be supportive if a man wanted male-only care for dignity purposes, completely understandable!)

Of course they exist I suspect male staff at nursery is more rare occurrence.

You have completely missed the nuance of my post here. My husband is in a caring role, working with children.

He isn’t choosing not to do personal care on little ones due to “stereotypes”, but because he would find it uncomfortable/not appropriate/a feeling that most parents would prefer this NOT be done by a man. In other words, he is respectful and conscious of the feelings of others. And it just doesn’t appeal to him in any way.

For what it’s worth, this logic applies in other areas of society. For example, female social workers can be assigned male or female children. Male social workers are only assigned male children. I bet many of the posters here would rant and rave about how wrong that is. But actually, you are all incorrect. It is basic child safeguarding and common sense.

I think if something feels uncomfortable to you as a parent then you should be able to voice that and act upon it. I went to see a brilliant nursery and I couldn’t get past a male nursery worker changing my child’s nappies so I didn’t send my child there I fully accept they may be excellent but I wouldn’t be happy for any male to change my kids nappies apart from their dad. I accept that most people have different views (although in reality many would agree with me too).

Given the high profile cases this week of the way children are let down in the care of supposed responsuble adults both at nursery and school settings and despite other adults witnessing horrendous actions on their part I am fully happy to go with my gut instinct. To the op you are not unreasonable and absolutely have the right to place your child somewhere you feel comfortable and if that means you have to move them so be it.

Hmmm... it's a bit of a grey area. I can see why you might be concerned. Personally, I always ask to see a female GP if it's anything intimate. I don't see how being a 'professional' makes a difference.

I think it's ok for men to work in a nursery but I'm not sure about changing children (of either sex tbh).

I absolutely agree with you OP. As does my husband (just asked him) and he said absolutely not too.
Our daughter is 6 months old and we definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable with another male we do not know changing her nappy. We would consider changing nurseries over this. Simply due to the fact that males are more likely to abuse or go into positions in places with vulnerable children for this reason and we wouldn’t want to put her in that position, even if it is a unlikely scenario.

@ticketproblems I find it quite upsetting to be called insane. Is that really necessary? I am a mother seeking views of other parents. Why so nasty

You cannot insist on a "female staff only" nursery!!!!!

You don't need to get your head around anyone else's religion! It is irrelevant. Any woman should be able to request a same sex carer and also for a baby/ young child.

Why do men want to work with children? It's fun, rewarding, great to be part of a team, varied, creative, you get great hugs, exciting, surprising, and massively well paid. (I may have lied about one thing.)

Sad to see so many people who think that childcare is women's work, but prejudice is all around and is the problem of those who have it.

Tbf the majority don't choose to take on the primary child care role in their own home with their own children, so I'm not sure they're victims of sexist gatekeeping.
Childcare, like all caring roles is hard work, for low paid and relatively low status, and men typically don't want to do jobs like that.
Realistically if they did, given they've had the greater power to pick and choose their occupations for centuries, leaving women to do the jobs they don't fancy, they'd have monopolised the field and pushed us out way before now.

WannabeHealthier puts it v well.
the fact is that in the vast majority of indecency, men are the predators and women or children are the prey.
it's just the facts of anatomy and physical disparity of strength that makes this so.
it's not the same as saying all men are dodgy or untrustworthy.
but i quite understand OP's concerns and she ought to be able to opt out of this, just as one can request female medical care.

So any man can too, right?

I imagine changing nappies doesn't appeal to most people, women included. It's just something you do if you're a parent and/or look after small children in a caring role like a nursery.

My DC had a male keyworker in the baby room and he was excellent, he changed his nappies and I never thought it was strange. It's part of his job. I'll be requesting that he is twin DC's keyworker when they start nursery too.

It's not about toddlers not having dignity or a rights. But while a disabled, adult woman might feel more comfortable with a female carer but a toddler isn't going to know (or care) the difference are they?
You are indirectly insinuating that a man in this profession is somehow dodgy or has ill intentions. But look at the press this week - women are capable of doing awful things to young children too.
Putting your kids in nursery means trusting whoever is looking after them. I don't think the sex of the caregiver applies in this scenario. They will all have had the relevant checks carried out.

I think I may have miscommunicated the religion thing. I am not religious. I meant to say that I think my beliefs might stem a little bit from my upbringing where there are boundaries/I may have been around more religious people/ Middle Eastern parents. I have no idea what the nappy changing area looks like/ whether it’s private or open. I just didn’t feel so comfortable with a 50-something year old bloke who I had never seen before changing her nappy. For little girls the person has to really clean right inside etc. Anyway it’s genuinely been a helpful thread for me. I will have a think and explore whether a nanny may be best suited for my family.

With doctors and nurses it’s completely acceptable to request a female nurse / doctor. If I (or my young daughter) had to have an intimate examination I would select a female practitioner. I recently went to the GP as I was worried I had the start of mastitis and the male GP wouldn’t examine my breasts until a female chaperone was available.

There's no reason why a parent shouldn't be allowed to request that intimate care not be provided by a male member of staff if they are uncomfortable with it or if they feel it would compromise their child's safety or dignity in any way. To me the setting should be able to accommodate that. Some children who have been abused in the past may feel deeply unsafe in that position with a male worker but be unable to articulate it.

I agree with you re having the right to request of course! OP is free to move her child to where there are no males.
A young person uses our services who will not allow any women to work with him 1to1 because he has been abused by several women and girls. Sometimes he cant avail of all of our services each week as we dont have enough men(still a stigma around men doing this job despite it not being around young children) not very many apply.
If our service had no men(and it didn't for a while)we simply couldn't offer him anything.

Not every service is able to provide exactly what each individual needs and expecting them to is unrealistic.
We can always ask but we need to be ready to search elsewhere instead of thinking everyone 'should' provide exactly what we need and want.

He's had many female TAs and most likely will again in September as they outnumber the males in childcare - this thread makes it obvious why. What i care about is my child's dignity and care needs. And yes I'd say the same if my child was female. Their care is more important than what in in their carers trousers.

I've worked in childcare my entire adult life. I have no issue with male carers and in fact I do belive they can bring an element missing in female led care, especially where so many children don't have a positive male role model.

It’s not about the man’s feelings, it’s about nursery logistics. It may not be possible to specify a particular staff member not to change a nappy. Nurseries run on strict ratios and the male staff member is part of that. What if the female staff member is occupied with another child, the male staff member can’t leave the room to go find another female to change a nappy. Another female probably wouldn’t be able to leave another room anyway. The op has free choice to find another setting she is happy with.