Male carer changing daughter’s nappy

[FirstTimeMummyHK]

AIBU to expect the nursery to tell me in advance that a man has now joined the nursery and will be changing my daughter’s nappy? We have been with this nursery for a while and there were only female carers there. The other day I went to pick up my daughter and there was a man sitting in there and I asked the nursery manager quietly
whether he changes my daughter and she said yes he would do. The nursery manager was very grumpy that I mentioned it. I was very nice and
polite to her. I felt that her reaction to my
question was unnecessarily grumpy. I am part of a religion where it’s quite a big deal to separate men and woman although we are not orthodox. I understand that nurseries wish to preserve equality etc and I am
a huge supporter of
men taking on caring roles. However AIBU to expect to be told in advance that a man would be changing my daughter / taking her to the toilet/ wiping her private area??

Most male carers would treat your daughter with respect and not be pervy

Oh cool, as long as most of them do, that should be fine then.* *

Weird reply.

Why are you shrieking about catholic priests?!

No idea how you've missed the crux of my post which is that if this was a big deal to the mother she should have spelled it out when enrolling with the nursery. Id est, exercising her autonomy.

She has said she didn't want her child cared for by men in the first instance due to religious not safeguarding reasons. So why didn't she make those clear? It's hardly crystal ball territory, two sexes (whatever others may think about gender), female child, strong beliefs, this was on her. Same as any dietary requirements.

In personal care and clinical practice, male and female staff work interchangeably unless requested, what's your point? That's what i said. That's never changed in recent years as far as I know.

The point is the mother knew all along she didn't want male care for her child and didn't think to mention it. Based on her own assumptions that men probably wouldn't be employed. Why not? She's dropped the ball, not the nursery.

This is the type of prejudiced attitude that really annoys me. I've had good friends giving up teaching in nursery because they've had comments that there must be something wrong with a man who teaches small children.

Realise that there are female caregivers who abuse kids. The gender of your caregiver is irrelevant. What matters is the quality of care they provide. The only reason there are fewer male nursery workers is the hate and prejudice they face.

As a nursery owner, if you want to offer same sex changing, you have to offer it to te parents of all children, not just the girls.

There's no such thing as "Female only Nurseries"

You're hellishly discriminatory and you could have just cost that Man his job if the manager had taken you seriously.

I'd laugh you out of my office if I was the manager

So how does that work with someone who has learning disabilities or Dementia for example ,?
I used to be a nurse working in a dementia care ward ,I had to provide intimate care as part of my job ,many patients couldn't consent and didn't like being cleaned and changed, and could be agessive ,but the alternative would be to leave them wet and soiled and that's neglect
My son is severely autistic and still needs assistance with personal care now ,he' not keen at all on me showering him and keeping him clean but what's the alternative?

What astounds me on here are the amount of posters who genuinely believe there is such as thing as a "Female employees only" nursery! You can't be serious?!!

Would those be like the safeguarding measures in the nursery where Kate Roughley was in charge? What could possibly go wrong, eh?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-69048043

@Hellodarknessmyfriend Some people dont have the sense they were born with

I hope the male Nursery worker got to keep his job. It'd be a shame if he didnt, my kids both loved the Men who took care of them (Nursery workers and teachers in their old school)

When children get a bit older obviously some boundaries and separation of the sexes is necessary. However, I think you need to be a bit more realistic where babies are concerned. When my dd was born I was in intensive care and she was looked after by the male midwife who happened to be on duty at the time.

Respectfully but your post ticks off many cliches of this thread.

You mentioned “Vanessa George” like so many others on this thread. The female offenders stand out and we can often remember their names because they are rarer. If you listed all the male perpetrators your list would be much longer. Nobody said women don’t offend, least of all me. I actually really struggled coming to terms with my baby’s nappy being changed at nursery in an all female one. I don’t understand why people are struggling to understand the statistics that men are far more likely to sexually abuse. Does this mean I trust women entirely? Of course not. Why do people need this nuance pointed out and explained?

I do realise sexual abuse is mainly carried out in the home, yes - my husband was abused. A male child by a man. In answer to your “What about male children?” So yes, boys are abused too obviously.

As for your question, “Shall we ban fathers from taking care of their own children?” surely you don’t need the difference pointed out between a parent and a man working as a nursery nurse in a role that could (note the could as some are struggling with nuance) be attractive to someone who wants to gain close access to children.

@MyNameIsFine Male Midwives are amazing. Sometimes more caring than female ones.

We need more men in caring roles

The analogy is intended only to challenge the idea that just because NAMALT, women should not excercise caution around strange men where their children are concerned. I'm sorry you didn't grasp that and for some inexplicable reason thought I was talking about new boyfriends offering to change nappies.
The fallibility of a DBS check in showing only past convictions and not future behaviour or past behaviour for which an individual has not been caught, has been pointed out numerous times by multiple posters. And it should surely go without saying that professional training doesn't train pedophiles not to abuse children.

I clearly meant the attitude that the OP
is stating about women remaining untouched until marriage. I am not sure why this would be used as a reason to not have a male care giver.

The OP has stated that the objection is religious/ cultural. My point is that this approach is somewhat out of step with the modern society.

It surprises me how many people think a DBS check is foolproof, it only catches out predators with previous convictions. If they have never been caught then nothing will show up.

I have to go. I'm reeling. More people that ever going to university: easier than ever to access detailed information. Still so many people who don't have critical thinking skills or critical reading skills: so little nuance or evidence of any real thought.

Here's a few reasons why they are totally different.

Doctors and nurses undertake lengthy, ongoing training to gain a professional qualification.

Many HCP have protection of title.

They register with a professional body in order to practise.

They have the potential to have a very lucrative career.

Of course there are no guarantees, but the stakes are high. If they are struck off, the consequences are dire. Career/work/reputation.

Nursery workers are in high demand, low wage, little training. If they're fired they get another low wage job.

If it's a cultural need that you have for your daughter to only be changed by people with certain characteristics, it's your responsibility to mention that. It's not the nursery's responsibility to pre-empt it. How should they know if you never told them?

No you absolutely don't.

If a parent approaches you with an individual request based on their family's culture or any other reason, you can choose to accommodate that request if possible. It's between you and them.

Just like you might try to accommodate dietary preferences and the kid who needs Blankie for nap time and the millions of other requests, petty or otherwise, that parents make, without making a public announcement to the rest of the families.

My daughter works as a Nursery Practitioner and there is a long term male member of staff working there, and also on an ad-hoc basis the Manager's son. Gender of staff should not be an issue anywhere these days. There are male Obstetricians, Paediatricians and Midwives in the work force, so why not in childcare? Your young daugher would most likely not notice the difference anyway.

Good luck with changing to a 'female only' nursery - most nursery places are going to be in big demand and short supply in coming months thanks to new goverment policy re; more subsidised under 3 places, so you had better start looking asap if you really feel so strongly about it.

I agree with the OP. I also think it's worrying how little people respect her right to religious beliefs which are protected by law. A male appeared one day at my child's nursery and honestly, I was concerned. I was relieved when he wasn't there the next day. That might not be PC but that's how I felt. Further, a nursery we viewed had had a male member of staff go to prison for having indecent images on his computer. It was in the local news. My children are my first concern, not men's feelings.

But she didn't mention her religious beliefs to the nursery.

Why would they tell her/ check with her about male staff without knowing that they needed to?

If she'd actually said that she held this belief I am sure the nursery would have done their best to accommodate it.

But if she never mentioned it she can't complain after the fact.

The general assumption is that if staff are working at a nursery they will be changing nappies and are qualified to do so.

If someone wants something different/ specific, they have to say!

Male Midwives are amazing. Sometimes more caring than female ones.

Sometimes? So sometimes less caring than female ones, then? What point are you making exactly?

I despair at the level of critical thinking in this thread.

I think unless the nursery is advertised as female staff only then you should have had an expectation that there may have been a male member of staff at one point. If it was important to you to know in advance then I think you should have mentioned this to the manager when you started.

I don't think she should have been grumpy as you asked politely, though.

I think it is your choice to not want your DD to have a male carer but I'm not sure if any nurseries could accommodate that. As a note, you only clean the vulva when changing a nappy, noone will be touching her vagina.

I hope you can find a way forward so you feel comfortable with your DD's care.

Exactly this- even down to asking my husband and his repsonse.

There are far too many people on here that are either very naïve or are trying to come across as 'cool' and could, unwittingly put their DC at risk by doing so.