Male carer changing daughter’s nappy

[FirstTimeMummyHK]

AIBU to expect the nursery to tell me in advance that a man has now joined the nursery and will be changing my daughter’s nappy? We have been with this nursery for a while and there were only female carers there. The other day I went to pick up my daughter and there was a man sitting in there and I asked the nursery manager quietly
whether he changes my daughter and she said yes he would do. The nursery manager was very grumpy that I mentioned it. I was very nice and
polite to her. I felt that her reaction to my
question was unnecessarily grumpy. I am part of a religion where it’s quite a big deal to separate men and woman although we are not orthodox. I understand that nurseries wish to preserve equality etc and I am
a huge supporter of
men taking on caring roles. However AIBU to expect to be told in advance that a man would be changing my daughter / taking her to the toilet/ wiping her private area??

I wonder where all these people are when women are being berated for allowing their new boyfriend to babysit their children? Because, y'know, not all new boyfiends are pedophiles and you can't go through life not trusting men, can you?

I would be happy if the new boyfriend has also gone through an interview and background check, provides references and a dbs.

Would it help if you thought of nursery workers as being akin to medical professionals, @FirstTimeMummyHK? Basically they are undertaking a caring role that involves personal care of children, which seems very similar to the personal care carried out by a nurse or carer.

Commenting on this thread is very difficult.
It's a no win situation.
In my view, a male carer is an unusual occupation, to say the least.
However, the worst wouldn't necessarily jump into my mind.

Did your sons go to a nursery? Did you allow the female staff to change their nappy’s and clean their areas? If so what’s the difference???
women can be just as bad as men!

OP should be given the option to whether she wants a male worker to change her daughter

But virtually nobody would get an option about whether they want a female worker to change their son. If it's about dignity, and not the fact that "all" men are perverts, then it should work the other way round, too. But it can't because nearly all staff are female. Also, there are a lot of people around in a nursery so there are effectively chaperones.

DBS checks aren't worth the paper they are written on, mind you. Just a tick box exercise. All they prove is that you haven't been caught (yet).

women can be just as bad as men!

Lol no. Have you seen the stats on CSA? Not remotely comparable

It’s so gross to suggest that men only do that work if they are sexually interested in kids.

Please link to any post here that says that.

What those of us with an understanding of safeguarding are saying is that men intent on abuse seek out careers that will give them greater opportunities to abuse. Being a motor mechanic or working in a factory won't. Training as a social worker and then focussing on working with vulnerable children will. So will working in a nursery. That is a very long way from saying 'men only do that work if they are sexually interested in kids'.

100%. This. The naivete displayed here is shocking. I bet the same women who scream sexism at the Op will answer the bear and man in the woods question very differently.

Objecting to a man teaching your child based on his sex would be discriminatory yes. Objecting to a man performing almost any other role based on his sex would be discriminatory. Objecting to a man working in a nursery as a blanket profession based on his sex would be discriminatory.

But nobody, nobody, nobody gets to touch someone elses genitals unless there is consent. And if that consent has been denied - for ANY reason - then it doesn't happen. Full stop. Even if those reasons are flagrantly sexist, or racist or homophobic even - no one should have their consent removed in this way for this particular situation. I can't think of any other situation where I would be respecting hateful or discriminatory views but this is different on a fundamental level.

So if OP does not consent to a man changing her daughter then it doesn't happen. And I would even go so far as to say that if there are alternate provisions available (which there are as there are female staff members) then I think it should be illegal on the nursery's part to refuse to accommodate this and say that the parent look for another setting. The onus should not be on the parent to move their child if their only alternative is having their consent on this matter overridden.

What is your source for the assertion in your last paragraph please? How many female teachers is 'numerous' and how much is the 'far greater rate' they offend at than male teachers? I've had a quick Google and I can't find anything at all to suggest the number of female offenders is higher than males. With the exception of the trial in the headlines at the moment, links seem to take me overwhelmingly to cases involving male sexual misconduct towards female students...?

women can be just as bad as men!

If this is so, why are 96-98% of people convicted for sexual offences male? Think rationally.

You’re completely right. But even though the nursery had great changing stations that would make abuse very difficult I was still sick at the thought of a male changing my baby because of my past. Sometimes we should be entitled to our feelings. If the nursery couldn’t have accommodated me then I would have switched nurseries as it was too difficult for me to get over

I totally understand that you have to be very careful with female children and male men but you're giving all men the wrong impression!

Most male carers would treat your daughter with respect and not be pervy. The same if you had a son and the carer was female, she could be pervy too!

You are 100% being unreasonable . So do you think boys can only be hanged my male
staff ?

What about male children?

All those female teachers convicted recently, Vanessa George .

You di realise that the majority of sexual abuse is committed by family members don’t you.

Should we ban fathers from taking care of their own children?

100% unreasonable.

You'd be happy for your new boyfriend to babysit your children if he could provide a DBS (which is the 'background check' not a separate additional thing) to prove he'd never been prosecuted for crimes against children, and could provide a couple of previous employers to say that to their knowledge he wasn't a pedophile? Because you do realise that encompasses huge numbers of random men?

Many years ago my daughter's nursery had a male member of staff. He was phenomenal. Everyone adored him. The nursery had a policy that all children were taken to the toilet with 2 staff members, however the children didn't attend before the age of 2 and a 1/2 .

Total man bites dog story but it is sadly giving people the wrong impression

If you were going to object on religious grounds, it’s up to you to make that clear to the nursery in advance. It is not up to them to discriminate against male employees.

One of the nurseries we used had a male member of staff.
He was amazing, a real asset. He was around 50.
All staff have DBS checks.
It's really important that DC learn that men can do caring roles with DC as well as women.

The analogy is as stupid your attempt to draw a parallel between a random new boyfriend, presumably offering to change a nappy and a trained professional that has been background checked to provide that service as part of a job role.

We have a male nursery worker, he's fantastic. It's never crossed my mind to be bothered.