Male carer changing daughter’s nappy

[FirstTimeMummyHK]

AIBU to expect the nursery to tell me in advance that a man has now joined the nursery and will be changing my daughter’s nappy? We have been with this nursery for a while and there were only female carers there. The other day I went to pick up my daughter and there was a man sitting in there and I asked the nursery manager quietly
whether he changes my daughter and she said yes he would do. The nursery manager was very grumpy that I mentioned it. I was very nice and
polite to her. I felt that her reaction to my
question was unnecessarily grumpy. I am part of a religion where it’s quite a big deal to separate men and woman although we are not orthodox. I understand that nurseries wish to preserve equality etc and I am
a huge supporter of
men taking on caring roles. However AIBU to expect to be told in advance that a man would be changing my daughter / taking her to the toilet/ wiping her private area??

The checks are easily fooled.

Men are, provably and factually, by far the most likely to be a pedo and sexual abuser.

It is very unusual indeed for a man to want a job where he has access to the genitals of small children.

No leaps, just logic and facts.

@SuspiciousLampshade you can be pro-safeguarding and also believe men are capable of safely caring for children and have something to contribute. Please ignore fleshwound, they're not worth your time.

The number of female pedophiles/sex offenders taken as a percentage of the number of females working in any area of care giving is miniscule compared to the percentage of male offenders. Unfortunately, even small boys are more often abused by men, so the counter argument that boys' nappies should not be changed by women doesn't really work. It isn't about tarring everyone with the same brush, but about parents trying to minimize the risk of their child being abused as much as they possibly can. How this translates to hiring practices is a different matter. But OP has grounds to be concerned.

I agree with this, just as my DD was leaving nursery a young man started working there and I was uncomfortable with it, no religious reasons, I just don’t understand why a decent man would put himself in that position, if I had a son I wouldn’t want him doing that job because I know what people would think.

We need more men in early years

Do we? I can see the case in primary, where intimate care is not really required. But in a nursery setting with children who are not verbal? Absolutely not.

There are lots of male doctors for example no one rushes to assume they have any malintent

Actually, there are usually safeguarding rules in place. We cannot automatically trust male doctors, that’s how a Larry Nasser was able to abuse so many girls in his care.

Thanks. As I mentioned I have 2 kids myself who are in (a different) nursery, so I know how worrying it can be thinking about who is taking care of your child. But I just don't think it's fair to tar all men who work in childcare with the same brush. We have some wonderful male workers in our nursery and the kids love them!

Statistically children are more likely to be abused by women.

this is probably due to women being primarily the main source of care.

your child is also much more likely to be abused by a family member or faith leader.

if we want to reduce the pay gap we need to stop judging men who decide to take on any caring responsibilities.

@FirstTimeMummyHK this has been asked several times but would you feel the same about a woman changing your son's nappy?

@FirstTimeMummyHK YANBU.

Come off it, MN is full of posters who are desperate to show how cool, modern and laid back they are. I don’t believe for a minute that all of these posters would be so casual if it were their own baby daughter being changed by a male caregiver.

Men working in nurseries is unusual as it’s typically rare. Of course not all males are predators , but we would be foolish to ignore the very real fact that it is usually men who abuse children. The statistics speak for themselves.

OP you are getting a hard time here but you’re right to listen to your protective instincts and to have asked whether the male worker will be providing intimate care to your DD. Now you have that information, you can make an informed choice as to what you do with it. We should all have the choice.

No. People are saying that because SOME men are pedophiles and pedophiles are attracted to environments where there are young children, and the lack of resources and supervision in many nurseries means intimidate care MAY provide an opportunity for child abuse, the risk is from an unknown man is too great for their comfort.
Few people would suggest that men be banned from these roles. Most would be satisfied if men did not provide intimate care for women (unless the woman explicitly consents) or change babies nappies.
Personally I think the lack of critical thinking and 'utter craziness' lies in defending the 'rights' of a tiny proportion of men in childcare roles to carry out an unpleasant and menial part of the role that I'm fairly certain most would be more than happy to avoid, just because you think it will hurt their feelings.
A policy that men don't change nappies, applied to all, doesn't cast aspersions on any individual male employee. Just as not allowing junior staff access to the company credit card doesn't label them all as thieves. The decent men in childcare know there are other men who pose a risk. They'd understand.

Also would like to add that it's common practice here in the country I live to have 2 workers present when nappies are changed. I'm guessing because some people are uncomfortable with the idea of what could happen (with BOTH male and female workers). So perhaps OP and others worried about this could ask their nurseries about implementing a similar policy.

I agree

Don't be fooled. None of those on here saying they would not have a problem with a male carer for babies would request a female doctor does a pap smear test on them, or that a female nurse does intimate care for them.

You should ask how many of them have ever stayed in hotel with children and accepted a male babysitter. Or you could wonder how many hotels hire male babysitters. Indeed you could ask how many of the women on here use male babysitters.

For the record, I dont give a damn if a male doctor conducts a papsmear on me as along as the protocols of having a third person, female, in the room are observed. I bluntly told a male student of mine who wanted to work in a nursery that he would be viewed with a certain amount of suspicion by parents and that it was justified by the crime stats. His presence in childcare facility also increased the work load on the female staff - they had to take over all the bathing etc. It was not that I thought him capable of harming children - I simply do not know. None of the women who so spiritedly defend male carers, some them colleagues and relatives, really know either.

I genuinely hope you never have to realise just how little protection a man being DBS checked or an employee of a nursery/school actually protects children.

It's the best that can be done, but is woefully inadequate.

It wasn't enough to protect my niece and now an entire family's life is ruined. DBS checks didn't pick up on his violent child rape 'porn' stash. It didn't even make the news, just a little piece in the local papers facebook page when he was sentenced.

After I looked in to it the numbers were shocking.

100% agree.

And those saying that it’s disingenuous because women change boys all the time:

For better or for worse, women have been the “standard” / default carers of little children for millennia. There is therefore a bit of a default assumption by many people / in many cultures.
That doesn’t make OP’s reaction “right” but it certainly explains why some people do not have the same reaction when the sexes are reversed.

And this is simply a rather personal matter. It is about a person’s private parts, who gets to touch them (in an entirely appropriate manner/when providing care) and how that relates to sex and gender.

Most of us will have some preferences when it comes to this. I happen to strongly prefer my female gyno. I would therefore assume that any potential future teenage daughters of mine would feel the same.

People want to do with is best for their children which is informed by what they believe would be best for themselves.
And if OP believes that she herself wouldn’t want to be wiped by a man, is it in any way surprising that OP applies that preference in matters pertaining to her daughter?

why? Because all men are sexual predators?

Are all male nurses and doctors too?

Obviously nobody cares about that because women are much less likely
to sexually abuse children.

Will you be seeking a nursery staffed only by men if you have a boy child?

ENOUGH male doctors and nurses have committed horrific sexual assaults on women patients - even those in a coma or the morgue - for many countries to have safeguarding protocols. The level of stupidity with the arguments here is astounding.

YANBU.
It's a shame for the genuine and committed men who want to work in nurseries, but it is silly to pretend that males don't present a hugely increased risk. The matter if your cultural background is relevant too.
If the nursery won't respect your wishes move to one with all female staff.

if we want to reduce the pay gap we need to stop judging men who decide to take on any caring responsibilities

Accept the higher risk of sexual assault for your children (and yourself in old age!!) to close the pay gap!

….is what this argument sounds like tbh

Why can’t we just acknowledge that people’s sex matters??

@EasternEcho seems to be your 'statistic' would be drastically different if more men worked in childcare, which they won't because the disgusting judgment. And so, sexism and gender roles are alive and well..