Male carer changing daughter’s nappy

[FirstTimeMummyHK]

AIBU to expect the nursery to tell me in advance that a man has now joined the nursery and will be changing my daughter’s nappy? We have been with this nursery for a while and there were only female carers there. The other day I went to pick up my daughter and there was a man sitting in there and I asked the nursery manager quietly
whether he changes my daughter and she said yes he would do. The nursery manager was very grumpy that I mentioned it. I was very nice and
polite to her. I felt that her reaction to my
question was unnecessarily grumpy. I am part of a religion where it’s quite a big deal to separate men and woman although we are not orthodox. I understand that nurseries wish to preserve equality etc and I am
a huge supporter of
men taking on caring roles. However AIBU to expect to be told in advance that a man would be changing my daughter / taking her to the toilet/ wiping her private area??

Nope I wouldn't be happy with this op x

The only one I remember hearing about was years ago, and shut down because of lack of demand.

Ps 'untouched' does sound a little gross sexualizing a baby. Reminds me of a book called 'the purity myth'

@Unexpectedlysinglemum My guess here is that this is quite possibly the case?

God I hate these threads.

We need more males in caring roles. When I was a nursery supervisor, we had a male worker. He was great. The children and parents, alike, loved him. He was better at his job than at least half of the women who were only there because the hours fitted round their own kids going to school, not because they wanted what was best for the children. Statistically you’re more likely to be abused by a relative than anyone else.

I can’t stand this notion of “men who go into caring roles are weird.” It’s so narrow minded. DS2 is a charge nurse, and has worked with children. I hate that people might be thinking that about him. He’s such a kind, caring, empathetic, gentle soul. All he’s ever wanted to do is nurse, and he’s brilliant at it. He’d never make anyone feel uncomfortable or do anything someone didn’t want. People should stop tarring everyone with the same brush.

Incorrect, and showing no knowledge of how the childcare sector and other bodies that work with children eg social services work. But that’s okay.

Equality is great until it goes against your views - then it’s terrible and men should stick to fixing cars and working on oil rigs. 😅

I agree with you op and I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. I would not want a man changing my baby. In your case I’d move nurseries if they can’t accommodate your wishes.

There was a time not so very long ago when boys were fiercely discouraged/banned from playing with dolls. Apparently, a lot of people had severe issues with children who would grow up to become 50% of all parents being allowed any kind of early-years play that modelled parental caring for a baby.

Presumably this was so clearly to prevent those precious sons from 'catching' perverse pursuits, as babies are solely the responsibility of (and the hobby of) mothers - the man's only role is to allow his wife to have the new baby that she's so desperate for, to make her feel like a proper woman, and then step back entirely, chucking her a few quid out of pity every now and then whilst he goes down the pub.

It's really the fault of modern mothers expecting far too much of their Very Important Husbands and not knowing their own proper place...

No, not at all. I only trusted 3 people to change my baby's nappy and that was my husband, my mum and me! We need to keep our babies safe

The thread is about personal choice. OP asked about choosing for her daughter not to be changed by a man, and she has been crucified by some posters for it, and called insane. Do you not think women should get to choose who performs personal care tasks for them? Do you not think parents should get to choose who cleans their child’s privates?

It does not matter if you personally don’t mind a man changing your child. That’s good for you. A woman who is from
a conservative Muslim background, or a woman who was abused by a male in a childcare setting as a child, might want to make a different choice. That is THEIR choice.

I would gladly and happily have your son care for my daughters in a medical setting. However, I hope that your son would graciously understand if a family asked for a female nurse to perform an intimate procedure on their daughter. Maybe you should ask him. Because I’m sure he is a professional and would explain that he would not mind at all.

Nursery should not mind such a request from OP. It should have been handled professionally. The nursery manager’s reaction was wrong.

Well I can't be too far wrong, as if OP had signed an agreement that Julia at Little Stars Nursery would exclusively care for her child, then this situation of a new unknown person sharing the responsibilities of caring for her child would never have arisen, be it Steve or Stephanie.

@Deathbyfluffy Why would a man possibly want a hug unless for sinister reasons? Or to work with children? Especially as it is rarely well paid and men ought to be the main/sole breadwinner. Because they're men and us women should be able to stay at home if we want to and live off their money.

Gosh mumsnet is confusing.
Most of the time you’re all accusing every man of being a perverted predator, yet today you think OP is being massively unreasonable to be upset by a man giving intimate care to her child.

Indeed. A very large part of all that is wrong with the world is disgusting men wanting to live in a society where they think that love, kindness and affection is something that is at all relevant to them - when they know they should be engaging in more positive, proper male pursuits such as walking right up behind lone women at night, shouting sexually-charged threats at young women and catcalling them, or driving a van aggressively and ignoring all red lights and double yellow lines.

The very worst part of them persisting in this refusal to act like proper men is that their sons will see them being kind, caring and compassionate and start to assume that this is how a man should actually behave in society.

Maybe some of us somehow think that there's a bit of a difference between basic childcare - in the close surroundings of multiple children and other adults at that - and child abuse?

...that wasn't necessarily aimed at you, but at the mindset that you're highlighting.

@TheFairyCaravan I've worked alongside many fantastic males who are very dedicated to their work with vulnerable young people.

I've also worked alongside 6 men who have been redeployed or investigated and let go for grooming and inappropriate behaviour towards children. There was clear evidence against them and some were quietly phased out so not even reported. I'm not saying that women can't do the same. But to personally know 6 is a lot. Most people I work alongside have had a similar experience and its because those men were drawn to and actively pursued a career that put them in a position of trust with vulnerable children.

It's not a reflection on the perfectly innocent and safe and lovely male staff out there, it's a reflection of the impact of harmful male behaviour on our society which is predominantly impacting on women and children particularly girls. It's unfair to blame parents for reacting to a big social issue. You can't say it doesn't happen and they're being ridiculous because we know it absolutely does happen in childcare settings. My dh also works in a caring role with children. He understands that it sucks when people are judging him but he also understands why it happens. And that's a problem that's been created by harmful men in the first place. You can't criticise parents for responding to that and wanting to make sure their child is safe when out of their care.

Stereotypes exist because of this sort of thinking.

Maybe you should learn to read? I quite clearly said that he doesn’t do anything that makes anyone feel uncomfortable or do anything that someone wouldn’t want him to do.

Why?

@SirAlfredSpatchcock I do believe my husband is not a real man as he took shared parental leave after the bitrh of our daughter (and enjoyed it far more than I did!) His favourite film is "The Sound of Music", he does nearly all of cooking at home, and he cried when his cat died. Oh, and he also works with a huge team of women in social care. Doesn't earn much.
Considering divorce.

Maybe YOU should learn to read OPs original post then? Because that is the exact kind of respect she is asking for from the nursery, which the manager responded badly to.

This is all great. What about the men who do actively seek out these roles to gain access to vulnerable children though? Are we just going to pretend they don't exist now? Because that's not the real world unfortunately. Your dhs, like mine, are not part of the problem. But they should still be aware of their responsibility as men to ensure they're being respectful (which it sounds like they are) and I still don't see why we'd be judging parents for being cautious when we know there are predators who seek out this line of work.

I'm not actually as I said up thread I work in the justice system and day in day out it's men who are committing heinous crimes against children on the most part. It's also a crime that is enabled heavily by adults who are either groomed by them also or are negligent. I couldn't care less about the so called high school culture, young women who need a bit more life experience to do a truly terrific job are less of a threat than a male sex offender.