Manipulated by women that “can’t”

[Mistressofpemberly]

Professional in my fifties with friends and colleagues of same age.
I’m increasing noticing that I’m expected to fill the gap at work and in friendships by women of my age who have fixed ideas about what they can and can’t do. They are all high flying professionals in responsible roles. They are all single.

The feeling that I’m being imposed on has been creeping up on me. I have had a bit of a light bulb moment and recognised that their behaviour is manipulative and I feel that I am being controlled.
AIBU in this? Is it a ‘thing’. Anyone else seeing the same? Examples following….

Why would that be ironic? I’m trying to answer people’s questions. I think you should look up the definition of irony.

"Examples following"

That was the irony.

Well it gave me a giggle anyway, although it clearly didn't crack your face 🤭

I posted the examples nine minutes after the original post. I didn’t want to do it all in one post as it would have been long and sometimes my phone refreshes and loses the post while I’m still typing.

I often feel this way with certain friends/ family members I have.

My mum for example was a stay at home mum, learned to drive quite late in life, but was always terrified even of roundabouts, let alone motorways. She has anxiety about going anywhere far from home and couldn't do many of the practical things you mention. She relies on her husband completely.

It's frustrating at times because I wish she could have a better life and be more independent.

But really I mostly feel sorry for her. I'm so much more capable in so many ways. It's a privilege I have had in my life to not experience that kind of crippling anxiety, and to have built a resilient personality, and not to be trained to depend on a man.

I've been given all the tools and opportunities I need to be independent. Some people are not.

I'm thankful for that. And I don't begrudge her if she can't change a lightbulb or put air in her tyres.

No, I haven't come across this was a general thing. I have come across the odd woman in the workplace who is consciously unable to do things and that woman is always described admiringly by men as being like a man. Most women can do most things in my experience.

Why did you feel you had to mention they were single? In my experience, people who are single are much less likely to say they cant do something, because they have no choice but do everything themselves.

Yes.. that’s exactly how I feel with one friend in particular. I’m all for good boundaries and not doing things that you don’t want to do where there is a choice in personal life.
But she is very pushy about us meeting up or going away together - except whenever we try to sort out what to do it’s made impossible unless I will organise and travel and meet her and baby her. It’s exhausting.

We are going away on holiday in a couple of weeks and I thought I’d cracked it but now she’s resisting suggestions for what we will do when we are there - no buses, no walking, etc etc. so we are staying the hotel unless I drive / organise taxis.

This thread is helpful as clearly others don’t experience this and I feel inclined to deal with it head - on instead of being irritated and baffled.

Well tbf I avoid driving at night. (I'm 66). My night vision is rubbish although my specs prescription is up to date and I've had two cataract ops. I just don't have very good vision in the dark.

Why do you have to "make life bearable for the rest of us" - making life bearable for other people at work is not your job. Don't do it, you'll just be irritated, not saying you are wrong to be irrtiated but if you don't see any of it as your problem to solve you will remove or reduce the irritation. Play bingo, silent cheer when they come out with the oh i can't.

Make life bearable for you, no one else. It's the choosing guilt or resentment choose guilt every time thing isn't it.

Add to this-the washing powder warriors 😂

My workPlace will not manage such people so I try to keep my head down and do what I can to make life bearable for the rest of us…

If they are professionals and not being "managed" the chances are they are good at their jobs/high billers/not seen as a problem - ime HR expect professionals to be able to manage sideways and upwards, so they may see this as something you could manage? I don't know, difficult to say without knowing your job. I made a comment upthread about how a colleague did something for me when I said I "couldn't" but NB I hadn't asked them to, or asked for help, I didn't mind but it was not incumbent upon them to step in - are you are taking on more than you should? Does their lateness directly impact on your work, and if so have you talked to them about it?

I was chatting to a lady Grace in her 60s, who has taken up with a mutual acquaintance, Henry an extremely practical widower. Henry's skills are legion. I heard Grace say her front lawn was like a field because she 'doesn't do electric things' e.g. a lawn mower or strimmer. My money is on my widower friend cutting her grass before the week is out. Gentle manipulation but manipulation all the same. OP, your friends are the same. Just tell your holiday mate you are going on the bus. If she doesn't like it, she can stay in the hotel.

I have a friend who keeps asking me to wake her up in time to catch a flight because she sleeps through alarms. I always ignore her text. I think it comes from a desire to be babied like her mum used to do.

I completely get you and have felt the same for much of my life Friends who can make efforts as needed are gold dust.

My colleague was regularly hospitalised by pupils at school wearing strong deodorant/perfume. Her classes were all warned that they must not wear aerosol deodorant if they had her lesson that day. Close colleagues had to stop wearing perfume/aftershave. It is a serious allergy, if not a common one

Have you asked her outright?

I would be saying "Look, this is meant to be a holiday for both of us but how can it be when everything we do must be done your way for your convenience? Do you really think that its fair that your self imposed restrictions should also restrict me?"

OK you may fall out but if you do then is it really a loss as she obviously in that case cares more about her wants and preferences than your friendship.

As you note, others don't experience this, and certainly I don't. Good luck with how you plan to tackle this.

The strong perfume (or other strong smells) is the only one I have some sympathy with.

Not everybody is comfortable doing everything. Some people don’t like driving at night. Other people don’t like making a speech to a large crowd even though they know how to speak. Some people can’t limit the amount of food they eat even though they thought they should. Just accept that people are different.

I don’t know a single person of any age who’s as incompetent as that, or pretends to be.

I said ‘in my experience’ and I’m not being ageist, I’m older than you! Lots of capable women I know now live very self-restricted lives due to lack of confidence or maybe they’ve worked out what they want out of life. Good for you that you’re a global traveller but I don’t think you’re the norm amongst 50-something women!

I'm one out of that 🤣🤣

@Mistressofpemberly I completely agree, it's totally irritating. I'm shocked that there are people who haven't come across people like this. Although maybe if you aren't aware of other people like this then you are the person like this 😂

I think men/women who describe themselves as "passenger princes/ses" fit in this category.

Are you suggesting you’re driving your colleagues to an airport for their weekend away?

this is confusing

No experience of this.

I do and I think it comes down to them letting other people do the hard because they dont want to.

They could if they put the effort in but far far easier to let someone else do it and they sit back. Its just selfish laziness in disguise