Would you be mad if your child eloped?

[Whattodoab]

DP and I have just gotten engaged. We both want to elope abroad next year. The plan is to go to chosen country for ten days and get married on the third (ish) day and then use the rest of the time as the honeymoon. It’s something we’ve spoken about for ages even before engagement so we know we just want it to be the two of us and we have our hearts set on this.

The issue is DP wants to do a traditional elopement. He wants to go abroad and get married and not tell anyone until we’re back. On the other hand I think we should tell our parents because they will be deeply upset if we don’t even brief them on what we’re doing, I’ve said we can leave it as a surprise for everyone else. We both come from absolutely huge families so there will still be an element of surprise. DP said they’ll get over it and we’ll just have a party at some point when we get back to celebrate. I said that isn’t the same and there’s the potential for a lot of heartbreak.

I’ve told my family and friends for years I don’t want a wedding but now the engagement has happened the questions are already starting.

Just asking for opinions about what you would do if your child eloped? Would you be utterly heartbroken? We have our hearts set on this, I’m just wondering the best way to do it.

YABU- just elope
YANBU- get married alone but tell your parents first

I know MN will tell me it's none of my business, it's their day and their lives. All true

But I would be upset.
I wouldn't have a falling out
And I'd get over it

But they're my feelings and that's how it is

I would be absolutely heartbroken if my child got married without me present. It doesn’t matter if you tell them in advance.

the real question is how good would I be at hiding my feelings. I would try, but I’m not that good of an actress. I’m pretty sure the couple would end up figuring out that they had done something really hurtful, even if I tried to keep my feelings to myself.

I would tell that you're going to elope, so they have forewarning, but don't tell them any dates or details.

Not the perspective you're after, but we wanted to elope and decided to tell our families ahead of time to minimise the upset. My mum absolutely flipped her lid and we ended up having a small registry wedding instead with just immediate families to appease her. It wasn't that bad but it wasn't what we wanted to do. So if your heart is truly set on eloping and you think it might go down badly, my advice would be to not tell them!

Changed my mind /vote once read your update about your mother, just elope!

If my child did this under the age of 18, yes, I'd be upset. If they're an adult and they're happy and with a good partner then no, I wouldn't be upset if they eloped. I think eloping and spending half the amount a modern wedding costs on a fantastic honeymoon abroad is a fantastic idea. It's what I wanted for myself, but my now ex wanted the big wedding.

I would hope my son told me though. I would be happy for him. However, reading your update on yours and your DPs tricky relationships with your respective mothers, perhaps he has a point. If your mum is going to make it all about her (and perhaps try to involve other family members), then it might be an idea to either elope and say when you got back that it was spur of the moment and the timing felt just right and say you'd love her help in planning a celebratory party; or call her (from abroad) when you get married and say you just got married, your happy, you wanted to share the news etc.

Whatever happens, I hope you have a lovely day, OP. I've always felt marriage is about the life you build together, not the ceremony at the start.

To add a few further details. We are both in our late 20’s so no under the age of 18 here! My parents like him and his parents like me. We’ve lived together for a few years and have a joint bank account and split bills etc. This is what we both want, neither of us is making sacrifices for the other is just the idea of telling them or not which we can’t agree on.

DP is very much of the mindset that it is easier for them to deal with the consequences of what has already happened than them possibly making a drama over what is going to happen. I’m worried about a falling out afterwards. DP wants to tell them the night we get married via video call. We plan on hiring a photographer so they will still get photos of the day.

We got engaged so far before the wedding because DP decided to propose. Obviously we have chatted about marriage before and knew we were both on the same page in terms of wanting it and what we want. We can’t get married this year because we need time to save and also need our holidays at work to renew as we have booked them out this year. We want to turn it into the holiday of a life time, which will still be far cheaper than a typical wedding would be! The marriage will be legal in this country as long as we follow all procedures which we will be doing.

If it was what they wanted and they were happy I would be happy for them. It would raise no questions of closeness or how my child viewed me either.

I would be sad I didn't get the chance to wear a fancy outfit and show them off 🤣 but I wouldn't divulge that to them and really that's just a light-hearted quip anyway.

I'm so glad my parents didn't make our wedding about themselves.

I think either way your mum sounds like she would cause issues anyway.

My mum didn't care but my MIL was furious even though DH had already had one big wedding.
Didn't matter to us, we had a lovely wedding, spent money on ourselves and things important to us.

We eloped and this was better because when we tried to invite mil to our very small wedding (we couldn't afford anything extravagant) she went berserk and said she refused to come if her boyfriend can't come too.

So we eloped and told her a year later.

We could not be arsed with all the bullshit that guests brought. Fil's partner was also pissy because we said her son (no relation of ours!) Wasn't invited.

He has a point tbh. Once it’s done then that’s it, they can just be angry about it but there’s no scope to attempt to change your mind. Telling them in advance means you could very well be in for an absolute bombardment as they (not just your parents but anyone and everyone else they’d look to recruit) try to do just that.

I have never married and my mum is now dead. But she was always forewarned that in the event I did get married, it would likely be an elopement. I don't think that would have been her preference, but she was well warned.

I wouldn't choose to elope because I didn't like her - she was my favourite person in the whole world. But I am quite shy, don't like to be the centre of attention and would not enjoy a traditional or even smaller scale wedding where so much focus is on me.

If you tell anybody beforehand, you aren’t eloping. You are just not inviting them to your wedding.

^^This
My DD always said that she’d elope, it didn’t bother me one bit. I know she hates being the centre of attention and dressing up, much like me.
DS and DDIL had a wonderful wedding, again their choice.
I would be happy to go along with whatever my DCs decided.

I stopped over in Gretna Green to break up a long journey to North Scotland. We were sitting outside the hotel on the day we arrived drinking coffee and watched a young couple come back from getting married. The bride then phoned her Mum to tell her of the good news (in front of half the hotel), however Mum clearly had no idea this was going to happen and was furious. The bride was in tears and I imagine it put a bit of a dampener on what should have been a very special day.

To be honest, if my dd did this, I'd be quite delighted - none of the faff with organising or the massive expense of it all! We would help them organise a party for after and I'd have a posh frock and it would all be lovely and relaxed. I think I might suggest it to them, actually...

😂😂😁Love it!!! A whole year later!! Brilliant!!

I fully expect my DD to do this at some point with her BF. Neither of them want a big wedding and my DD is way too financially savvy to spend a hard earned fortune on a one day celebration. I totally agree. I just want them to be happy and do life their way. I would be thrilled for them both.

@Whattodoab definitely absolutely 100% do NOT tell them. This is what we did and it destroyed the run up to our elopement as we had endless fall out and screaming rows (not with each other!).

Go, enjoy it and then tell everyone when you come back. Far better to ask for forgiveness than permission ❤️

I might change my vote now that I read your explanations. Either way, it sounds like the family dynamics make an elopement your best choice.

Could you fudge a bit and lie and say that once on your beautiful holiday, you felt so in love that you just went ahead on a lark and got married? They may be upset but then the elopement won't seem intentional, even though it was.

@Whattodoab tbh I think your DH-to-be is probably correct given your specific circumstances.

If you are going to do this, I would tell them after. Before makes it seem like there is a chance to change your mind.

I would not tell them in person. Give them a chance to have their real reaction in private so they can put on a happy face by the time they see you.

I wouldn’t care if my children did & I don’t think my parents would either, but I know my mother in law would be hurt. So it depends on your parents I suppose…

I wouldn’t be mad, I’d be upset.

I agree that this is perhaps how balanced and adjusted we should aim to be, but I don't think most 'normal' parents would shrug and say, "yay, you did what you wanted," in these circumstances.

A degree of sadness and disappointment wouldn't surprise me at all, even with the most supportive and enlightened parents.