Would you be mad if your child eloped?

[Whattodoab]

DP and I have just gotten engaged. We both want to elope abroad next year. The plan is to go to chosen country for ten days and get married on the third (ish) day and then use the rest of the time as the honeymoon. It’s something we’ve spoken about for ages even before engagement so we know we just want it to be the two of us and we have our hearts set on this.

The issue is DP wants to do a traditional elopement. He wants to go abroad and get married and not tell anyone until we’re back. On the other hand I think we should tell our parents because they will be deeply upset if we don’t even brief them on what we’re doing, I’ve said we can leave it as a surprise for everyone else. We both come from absolutely huge families so there will still be an element of surprise. DP said they’ll get over it and we’ll just have a party at some point when we get back to celebrate. I said that isn’t the same and there’s the potential for a lot of heartbreak.

I’ve told my family and friends for years I don’t want a wedding but now the engagement has happened the questions are already starting.

Just asking for opinions about what you would do if your child eloped? Would you be utterly heartbroken? We have our hearts set on this, I’m just wondering the best way to do it.

YABU- just elope
YANBU- get married alone but tell your parents first

I eloped. Didn't tell anyone first. My parents weren't upset - they were just relieved they didn't have to pay for my wedding. My husband's parents were more upset, but I didn't know that at the time, he assured me they'd be fine and I hadn't really met them (he's not close with them) so took his word.

TBH we both chose to elope because we didn't want our parents at the wedding. I have a complicated family situation, narcissistic parents, a father and stepfather who hated each other and couldn't be trusted not to ruin my wedding day, and also, none of them are particularly arsed about me tbh. I couldn't face having them there, or having to deal with who was paying for stuff, and then having a wedding that I wouldn't have particularly wanted anyway as never had the big white dress fantasy etc, so just avoided the lot by running off to Las Vegas. I still don't regret a thing.

We told our families beforehand and they more or less insisted to come along (was in the UK). So just be warned. In fact, my in laws made a massive drama over it... and this coupled with a few other things means we no longer speak to some of them.

I would say to please yourself, honestly. If people can't be happy for you and have to make it about them... that's their problem.

I've told both my children I don't care who else is at their weddings should they have them but I would be very upset if parents are not included even if it's a legal registry office and they go off on their own to a beach or something.
As a parent I've supported my children through everything good and bad if they hated me so much they didn't want me or their dad at the most important step of their lives It would feel like a slap in the face.

I’ve mentioned this in passing as a possibility for me and my (very long term) DP, if we can ever be bothered to get around to organising anything, and my DPs are both perfectly fine with the idea. Both think it’s a great idea, and I’m pretty sure would prefer not to have the hassle of a wedding to help plan and attend. You both know your parents best though, so it’s for you to assess. I’d hope that ultimately both sets of parents were just happy for you both if that is what you ended up doing.

I'd think it was lovely and romantic. I wouldn't mind having a little house party or going out for a meal with close family to celebrate when they got back though, to sort of share our happiness for them.

From what you have said both your parents are going to be mad and make it all about them anyway.

you could video call them from the holiday and go ‘oooooo! Guess what we’ve just done ! So crazy’ and by the time you have got back they’ll be over it or still chuntering on.

@Aquamarine1029
I am giving a perspective based on my relationship with my dc and how I think I'd feel. I didn't say I'd make a song and dance of it. I would be heartbroken but if I knew my dc was happy I'd give my blessing (then go and cry on my own 😭).

The op's update gives more information and it's clear she doesn't have that great a relationship with her parents, so it's probably not going to be a huge shock to them.

My cousin eloped,my dad is forever ranting about how could anyone possibly to that to their own mother and said he would be devastated if I even considered it

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest. In fact i'd be delighted. Call me miserable but I think weddings are overrated, outdated, lead to arguments and people falling out with each other, and that's before you get to the ridiculous amount of money spent on these things. I would far rather the money was spent on making a nice home and being able to live comfortably. I've nothing against marriage (or weddings if you can justify all the hassle and expense) but these days they are so over the top and 'must have'.
So no , I wouldn't be upset or disappointed. I think I would be proud.

We eloped.
MIL was annoyed at first, but got over it when she realised she was able to tell everyone the news before us! We didn’t want her to, but she did to spite us and for a bit of control back I think.
What I wasn’t expecting was I lost 2 friends over it. They were good friends that I’d had for almost 20 years. I saw one of them 2 weeks before we eloped. I didn’t tell them we were eloping and told them when we got back . It ruined the friendships. I think I had inadvertently made them feel not important enough to know, even though nobody else knew either.
So, it can cause problems. But other people do it and everyone is fine about it. So you never know.
If my DC eloped when they were older I would be happy for them, I would be a hypocrite if I wasn’t.

My DD and fiance eloped a couple of years ago. A lot were shocked but they stood by their own wishes. They had a traditional evening reception a couple of weeks later and they wore their wedding outfits.

Telling everyone and being firm was definitely the way forward.

I would be relieved.
I am secretly nervous they’ll have some sort of big fancy wedding and I’ll be forced to grin and bear it (and dress up and be in photos etc).

Why did you get engaged so far ahead of getting married if you are eloping?

DH’s brother wanted to get married with just his future bride abroad with no family/friends. MIL was reasonably fine with this, as long as no-one else was invited. DH and I were also engaged, so there was a prospect of one wedding to go to. But bride’s mother was distraught and demanded that she would be invited to the wedding. It all then kicked off! In the end BIL and bride changed wedding plans and got married in this country with friends and family. However, with family dynamics it was a very fraught day (this was the reason they wanted to get married with just the two of them there). For that reason I wouldn’t tell anyone in advance. Although if you have booked a long holiday I assume people will guess.

Will you be legally married where you are having the ceremony?

I must confess I would be sad if DS chose to get married without us being there, but would obviously accept that is what he wanted and not tell him I was sad. His happiness more important

You're a grown up. You can do as you choose.

Would I be upset? No, not if DS was happy. That's all that really matters.

ultimately so is getting married. Marriage is a legal and financial contract, a wedding is entirely optional and arbitrary and weddings being a sign of love and romance is a fairly modern invention. Historically they were about religion and ownership of women.

Honestly, if my parents had been the types to be "devastated" and think a wedding is the most important day of my life (I can think of about 100 things I've done that are more important to me than getting married) then I'd be even more inclined to elope and not tell them. Surely most parents want their children to be happy and confident to make their own choices in life, not impose their views and wants on their kids to the detriment of the kids' own beliefs?

@RoseMarigoldViolet although I might be sad if DS eloped I would also struggle with a huge fancy wedding!

I'd love it.
No fuss, no waste if money....
You could also just say nothing, then add, much much later. "oh we got married years ago".....

I think you should do exactly what you want to do.
Having said that, a young person in my family got married last year without telling anyone and their mother cried for three days. (For ‘young’ read early 30s. I’m in my 60s and I was railroaded into a wedding that was a lot larger than I’d wanted, I should have eloped!).

Still paying the price with my inlaws!! Told my parents in person a few days before and they have never had any problem :)
Eloping was the best decision ever ♥️

I'd be more than happy if my daughter did this! She and her partner have their own home and the cost of living the way it is, I'd prefer to see them happy and some lovely photos of the day than know they've saddled themselves with thousands of pounds worth of debt for the sake of one day and keeping people happy!

I think eloping is fine but I think it would be kind to tell your parents. Admittedly my Mum was totally fine when a sibling did this (but I’m one of a larger family and the rest of us had got married before so I think she was mostly relieved). I also have a friend who did this and it shattered their relationship with their parents - they didn’t speak for a long time and it’s been fractious ever since. If he doesn’t want to tell his parents that’s fine but if you’d prefer to tell yours that is your prerogative- if he has an issue with this what’s going to happen down the line when compromise is inevitably needed for other issues?!

One of my DDs did this. Neither family had a problem with it when the marriage was revealed many months later.

We always encouraged our children to do whatever is right for them and not to do something they wouldn’t be comfortable with/couldn’t afford just to please other people.

All of my DDs have had non traditional weddings - all were equally enjoyable and more importantly they enjoyed themselves too.

Go for it!

We did and yes they were pissed,but they got over it.
We didn't want the attention, money spent on it, we're both chronically ill so a long day would kill us, etc.
Best thing we ever did. Even if we had a wedding, someone would be pissed at us for something.

It would be so much worse telling them in advance. They'd be begging to come with you and so pissed when you said no, it would ruin the build up to going away. "Just us!" Then you end up with the same problem as regular weddings that you have to invite parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, so as not to offend anyone.

If they find out where you're going, they might book tickets so they can be there anyway. Avoid.

I'd want my girls to do what's best for them. Enjoy your elopement. Throw a party wearing the dress, when you get back and hire a photographer to take photos of your mum and you.

We married without telling anyone. We had good reasons and it was right for us, but I do regret not telling my parents beforehand. I think at the time I wasn’t brave enough to say “this is what we want”, maybe I thought they would be hurt not to be invited. Actually I think springing it on them was possibly more hurtful.

As you’re engaged (we weren’t), you’ve created an expectation. I would suggest coming clean about your wedding plans and being resolute about it but go all out with the celebration afterwards.