Would you be mad if your child eloped?

[Whattodoab]

DP and I have just gotten engaged. We both want to elope abroad next year. The plan is to go to chosen country for ten days and get married on the third (ish) day and then use the rest of the time as the honeymoon. It’s something we’ve spoken about for ages even before engagement so we know we just want it to be the two of us and we have our hearts set on this.

The issue is DP wants to do a traditional elopement. He wants to go abroad and get married and not tell anyone until we’re back. On the other hand I think we should tell our parents because they will be deeply upset if we don’t even brief them on what we’re doing, I’ve said we can leave it as a surprise for everyone else. We both come from absolutely huge families so there will still be an element of surprise. DP said they’ll get over it and we’ll just have a party at some point when we get back to celebrate. I said that isn’t the same and there’s the potential for a lot of heartbreak.

I’ve told my family and friends for years I don’t want a wedding but now the engagement has happened the questions are already starting.

Just asking for opinions about what you would do if your child eloped? Would you be utterly heartbroken? We have our hearts set on this, I’m just wondering the best way to do it.

YABU- just elope
YANBU- get married alone but tell your parents first

YABU. You should just do it and tell people afterwards. I know someone who told her mother that she wanted a very small wedding, and the mother laid on this huge guilt trip and said she had to invite her entire extended family. If you have a large family, sometimes telling one person means telling everyone, as well. It is YOUR wedding, and your fiancé's. Not your parents' or anyone else's. If you actively want your parents to be there, that's one thing, but I'm not getting that from your post. I get more the impression that you don't want to rock the boat.

ETA. My friend ended up never getting married to her fiancé! They split up, and at least part of that was the pressure the family put them both about the wedding.

I think you should tell your parents. It's a big deal to them and seems a bit callous not to.

I think the fact that they know you are engaged is enough of a warning. Perhaps put a date in the diary for a party when you get back and announce/celebrate together then.

I am very close to my adult DD, we talk every day and see a lot of each other. She shares a lot with me, and I am happy that she wants to do that. I had a similar relationship with my late DM.

That said, any decisions she comes too about her life ( and a marriage is a big one ) are hers alone. If she decided to do this and then tell me afterwards I would not be upset in any way. It’s her life, and her choice to make.

I have one unmarried DC. I would be disappointed not to be there if they decide to get married but not mad. I think the word "elopement" sounds quite dramatic and if your aim is not to make a big fuss about your marriage why not simply go to a registry office?

As a parent, my overwhelming wish was for my daughter to be happy. She may as well have eloped because she got married at a couple of days notice during the pandemic when it was not possible to travel between the UK and Jordan, where she was living, for many months. It was strange seeing her get married in an Islamic ceremony thousands of miles away by Zoom, but the one thing that shone out was that she was radiantly happy and I couldn't have wished for more for her.

I had a very small wedding when I got married, in a register office rather than a church because I'm not religious. We arranged it with a month's notice and nothing would ever have persuaded me to have had a great big wedding and traditional reception and we did consider eloping quite seriously. I always assumed my daughter would either have a very small wedding or elope as it was just something she never seemed to want.

I think a wedding should only be about what the couple concerned want, and if you want to just elope and get married somewhere exotic, do it!

I think there are some weird ideas about WHY it would be upsetting, that I suppose might be true for some but are totally alien to me. I personally would be very hurt not to be told because to me marriage is far more than joining finances etc. I can’t imagine caring if my child wanted a church and reception, vegas or the local registrar. My children tell me much more minor things (as I do them) so it would be very unsettling in my family.

If you are already engaged I don't think you can describe it as eloping. Isn't eloping when you get married secretly with no one knowing that you're planning to get married? What you are planning is just planning to get married abroad without telling anyone beforehand and without friends and family in attendance.

As to your question, I have never really thought about it before. My children are in their early 20's and aren't in serious relationships yet. I can't say that I have ever dreamed of being the mother of the bride at a big fancy wedding. I don't think I would be disappointed if my child chose to get married in secret, as long as that's what they truly wanted. I would be much more interested in whether my child was happy and whether their spouse was a good partner who loved them and treated them well rather than whether they had a "fairytale wedding".

My kids are little but if one of my siblings had done this I think I would have pretended to be fine but actually been really very deeply hurt.
It meant a lot ot me to share their wedding with them, to see them on their special day surrounded by people that love and support them.
So yes to be excluded from that and only told afterwards, I'd be devastated.
My sister had the legal bit of her wedding about a week before and casually dropped that into conversation a few months before, and I was pretty upset not to be invited to that. In the end I couldn't go to that as it was in a different foreign country (she lives abroad anyway) and we had a small baby. but I was really sad to miss that too

My mum would have been heartbroken to have missed any of our weddings (3 siblings, all married now). MIL would probably not have minded, she had a very small wedding herself.

Because we don’t want to go to a registry office. We will be making a big fuss but it will just be myself and DP.

But it’s not about wanting to be the centre of attention as mother of the bride st a fancy wedding, it’s about wanting to be present to witness my darling child, who I gave birth to, nurtured and love and would sell my soul for, at this joyful moment in her life.

If any of my children eloped and got married I'd just be happy for them. It's their life. I want them to do it in the way they want and not have to consider anyone else but eachother.

We didn't elope although wanted to do that style.We had a quick ish registry office wedding. I didn't tell anyone but my husband told his parents who were not happy. We didn't have the money to do anything else and it was getting later and later as I was heavily pregnant and just wanted to be less vunerable/get it done. We decided to not have any family there as witnesses. As my mum and dad aren't on talking terms/ divorced he had a new girlfriend wouldn't come without her oh the dynamics would of been awful. We also couldn't of just had his parents come.His mum gave me the silent treatment for months. Not him just me. All she could see was her own hurt. Not a 22 year old women extremely vunerable/ pregnant without any support. I never want to be that kind of MIL!

Just go and do it. People get over it but it's not worth rocking the boat beforehand unless you're really sure they will love and support you in the way you need. In my experience it goes downhill very fast or snowballs and everyone under the sun wants to tell you how you should get married.

It's bonkers to me anyone else thinks they are entitled to have a say. It's not their wedding.

I totally get that, and you will note that I didn't say anything about me wanting to be the center of attention. I said that I have never dreamed of being in the role of mother of the bride. I truly don't know how I would react if one of my daughters was engaged but then got married without telling me. I assume that if they were engaged I would have had at least one conversation with them about their plans for the wedding, so hopefully it wouldn't be a complete surprise!

To be honest, if you actually like your family, you will be pretty disappointed with eloping and your parents will be sad. The whole point of eloping is to escape relatives you don't like or various pressures for a white wedding. I can't imagine anything more boring than saying our vows then just carrying on as normal. The whole point of these things is to celebrate!

It's not big expensive white wedding vs nothing.

DH and I had a gorgeous registry office ceremony (some of the registry offices are lovely old buildings and they go to a lot of effort to make it a nice ceremony) and lovely meal at a nice restaurant afterwards, we had 15 people there. I was so so happy with it. All the people I loved were there, everyone got to share our celebration, it was a special special day. Consider something like this?

DH and I had a gorgeous registry office ceremony (some of the registry offices are lovely old buildings and they go to a lot of effort to make it a nice ceremony) and lovely meal at a nice restaurant afterwards, we had 15 people there. I was so so happy with it. All the people I loved were there, everyone got to share our celebration, it was a special special day. Consider something like this?

OP has already explained why that won't work, due to the large extended family dynamics.

If it was my child, I'd possibly feel upset initially, but would never let it show. Long term, i know that whatever they want would be fine with me , genuinely.

It entirely depends on your parents and your relationship with them. You say in your OP that they'll be "deeply upset" if you elope, so I think that's probably your answer?

Me and DH eloped and didn't tell anyone. My parents were fine with it, because we knew they would be. ILs were a bit annoyed about it, mainly MIL because it took away her ability to control the wedding. But they soon got over it. The person who was most pissed off was SIL because "it was supposed to be the year she was getting married" (5 months later 🙄)

Don't regret it one bit though. Our wedding day was perfect. We knew we wouldn't enjoy a traditional wedding, and it saved us loads of money too.

Not the same but DH and I were married with immediate family and didn't tell anyone else until it was over. There were lots of family dynamics involved with extended family and we thought it would be easier.
Lots of family weren't impressed but we had the people we wanted there.

You tell your people and swear them to secrecy. He doesn't tell his.

I would be very upset if my child did this and would want to know what I had done to offend them so much that they don't want me to see them get married (even if it's just a 5 min registry office job).

If you think your folks will be upset, then I'd not want that to be something I had to deal with straight from honeymoon. Its an overly dramatic and potentially upsetting start to a marriage that I'd rather avoid just by telling them in advance. Tell them the day before you go so there's no time for interference. And if your partner wants to keep it a secret from his folks, that's up to him.

No, on the contrary, I'd be delighted! Provided, the groom is a good, decent man and my daughter is happy. I personally don't see the point in weddings (not the marriage, but weddings). And I really wouldn't care that I'm not there to 'witness' it, I'd be completely fine with being told afterwards.

I eloped. My dad and brother were happy for me and perfectly fine with it. Mother was furious, but I couldn't care less, since she's partially the reason for my elopement. She's a -zilla type, very controlling (doesn't work on me), my way or the highway type of person and a showoff. She would have wanted the whole overblown shebang, a castle wedding with the whole clan present (about 150-200 people just from our side + groom's), entertainers, doves, fireworks, that sort of shit. Obviously I'd rather scratch my eyes with my own hands than that, so it was just easier to elope and let her rage on her own.

I wouldn't tell my parents exactly because they'd come up with crap like this. "I think you should do it this way, even though that's not what you actually want".

This is the strange bit and I'm not sure why more people aren't focussing on it....

Getting engaged is telling everyone you are going to get married, so once you have done this, it is impossible to elope ... Why did you not keep the engagement secret? You could have then eloped with no one knowing ... all you are now doing is having a private wedding....

And yes, I as a mother would be very sad not to be part of the celebration of getting married... I wouldn't need to be there (but would hope my DD would want me to be)... but would love to be part of the build up and planning. It is a huge thing to hold back from someone you love and supposedly want a close relationship with.

Totally agree with previous poster:
Getting engaged but secretly eloping is a bit contradictory.

Now that everyone knows you intend to get married, I’d say to them you’re going to have a private wedding abroad at some point.

I eloped and both our families were completely fine. My parents did say though that if we had invited anyone but them (like my BIL to be a witness) it would really have upset them. As it was just us, everyone was really pleased for us, and we had a small reception party/drinks at home to celebrate after.