Would you be mad if your child eloped?

[Whattodoab]

DP and I have just gotten engaged. We both want to elope abroad next year. The plan is to go to chosen country for ten days and get married on the third (ish) day and then use the rest of the time as the honeymoon. It’s something we’ve spoken about for ages even before engagement so we know we just want it to be the two of us and we have our hearts set on this.

The issue is DP wants to do a traditional elopement. He wants to go abroad and get married and not tell anyone until we’re back. On the other hand I think we should tell our parents because they will be deeply upset if we don’t even brief them on what we’re doing, I’ve said we can leave it as a surprise for everyone else. We both come from absolutely huge families so there will still be an element of surprise. DP said they’ll get over it and we’ll just have a party at some point when we get back to celebrate. I said that isn’t the same and there’s the potential for a lot of heartbreak.

I’ve told my family and friends for years I don’t want a wedding but now the engagement has happened the questions are already starting.

Just asking for opinions about what you would do if your child eloped? Would you be utterly heartbroken? We have our hearts set on this, I’m just wondering the best way to do it.

YABU- just elope
YANBU- get married alone but tell your parents first

It's your wedding. Do what the two of you want. Do not compromise your day for anyone else.

OP I plan to elope one day for the same combo of reasons as you so I'm reading with interest. If you tell your parents beforehand, do you think they'd:

• Make a drama out of it, with the risk it will negatively impact your day? Eg sending messages trying to guilt you, or even trying to come along.
• Be quietly upset, but not affect your enjoyment of the day?

If the latter, i would tell them in the hope that it reduced their upset. Quite a lot of people would be less hurt by not being present on the day than by not being informed at all, and if they're mature enough to handle being told in a reasonable way, you can do that. Plus it might be nicer for you without the question of how they'll react hanging over you.

I would be sad as I would hope my kids would want us involved in celebrating their happiness even if they didn't want a big party.

I wouldn't mind at all. I eloped. Although we did tell parents and siblings, one of my siblings was a nightmare and kept asking 'well, you could just ask me to come, nobody else', never realising she was one of the main reasons we were eloping in the first place. You don't owe anyone a wedding ceremony; do whatever suits the pair of you.

Truthfully I'd be really gutted that I wasn't going to get to share in such a big and exciting moment in my sons life, but ultimately I'd understand that it's for him and his future partner to decide what the best way for them to get married is and I'd be sad for myself but happy for them and totally supportive.

Personally, if it were me I'd tell them in advance so that they can still be involved in some elements of planning like dress shopping etc. Those are moments that I think can be very important to a mother but ultimately op it's your decision and you need to do what's right for you both. I think if you surprise them with it you might also risk not getting the response you're hoping to get as they might react badly out of shock if they are disappointed. So letting them know gives them a chance to prepare themselves so they can be present for you both. I don't think it's an unfair compromise to make if that's what you want to do.

Both my children are married. They both had quite large weddings which were their choice and both occasions went really well. However, if either of them eloped then that would have been absolutely fine as they can make their own decisions. Do whatever you want.

We eloped in our hometown as soon as Christmas lockdown was done (May 2021). Had just bought a house and our child was almost two. Sent ‘we eloped!’ cards that morning and there was a ton of backlash. Wouldn’t have changed it for the world. Spent £400/500 in total (photographer, town hall etc), no stress or anxiety and memories for just us. Highly recommend.

I think I'd try to make the best of it and throw a big party for them when they came back, on one way they'd have saved me a load of money!

It would be a bit sad though as weddings are usually community events.

I think you should both wait until you are 18.

We eloped abroad but told everyone before hand, still had a hen do and family came with me to choose a dress. Also had an evening do when we got home so still had some family aspect but the actual day was relaxed and just about us. No one minded at all and we spent a “wedding budget” travelling as our honeymoon.

How close are you though, that you know she's so unforgiving. That, for me, would be extremely cold.

We did it and never told anyone 😂 27 years so far...

I would be bloody delighted, but I rather enjoy people doing slightly outré things. (And, indeed, doing them myself.)

I've never been a stickler for tradition, so I relate. It would be typical for a mother like me to have a child who ends up being entirely the opposite: like Edina and Saffy! (Disclaimer: dedicated follower of fashion I ain't).

If that does turn out to be the case I'll still be happy with whatever makes them happy. I never want my child to feel duty bound to do what I want them to do on pain of my being upset. (I hope they won't emigrate, but in the end that's their decision and I've had my wing at that, too).

Surely that is a parent's job?

Your wedding, do what you’d like. You don’t owe anyone a giant wedding celebration

I'm years away from this being a possibility, but I think I would be secretly devastated at missing such a huge life event. I'd pretend to just be delighted for them though.

I'd just do it. I was planning this with my last ex and it actually simplified a lot, was far cheaper and was much more exciting that the long drawn out planning you have to do for a traditional wedding.

My best friend and her husband also did it, so I think it is far more normalised than you'd think. Plus parents and guests don't have to spend hundreds on clothes/hotels on top of the wedding costs. You can have a party when you get back to let everyone know and celebrate with you.

It sounds like you’re in for some drama either way! Think ahead… if you don’t tell them you’ll be left in peace until after the wedding- but will you have a feeling of dread about their reaction in the pit of your stomach? I think I would but that’s just me as a worrier, so that alone would ruin the lead up to the wedding.

If you tell them then maybe have a concrete date set for a party and heavily involve them in the planning. Play it down, saying you‘ll do the ‘legal bit’ abroad and this will be the main celebration (even if you know yourselves that it isn’t). Maybe even have a blessing or something so it feels more ‘weddingy’.

Given your update, I'd elope then tell everyone. You'll get drama regardless from both mothers, may as well have a lovely ceremony just the two of you before it all.

I would be sad. DS and my lovely DiL had a beautiful wedding. We were not involved in any of the planning, despite offering help with practical stuff, and giving them a hefty whack towards it. I would have loved to feel more involved.
If/when DD marries I would love to to choose the dress with her and help with organising as much as she would like me to.

@Whattodoab -Well, it isn't an elopement if you tell people. Any people. It is a private wedding between the two of you, abroad. Having read your update I think your DP is probably right. Your Mother and possibly his, will definitely give you grief beforehand if you tell them and won't be happy if you don't.

So just decide that you'll deal with the grief after, instead of spoiling your own build up to getting away before it would be my advice

BUT if you think it would help the possible fall out, when you return, would there be any mileage in not telling them before you go, but get married abroad, and then phone/text them as soon as you are, and say you decided to get married on the spur of the moment, you're very excited but you are now going to be taking the rest of your holiday as a Honeymoon so you won't be contactable until you come home - but you'll arrange a party once you come home for everyone to be able to celebrate with you? Then just enjoy your honeymoon?

Seems to me, feelings would likely be more hurt, knowing that you had planned it in advance and not said, than they would be if they thought you had done it on the spur of the moment more or less. Not saying they won't possibly still be hurt, but maybe you'll get less grief when you return. Plus they will have a week to calm down before you get home? Just a thought and it'll depend where you are planning on going and how much time in advance it needs to be arranged etc

If my DC announced they were going to get married without me there, I would be fine with their decision, support them however they wanted, and buy a nice present.

If they turned up for lunch one day and announced that they had got married in secret, I would be hurt that they had planned something so important without mentioning it, then were judging me on my reaction.

@ObliviousCoalmine
Umm the op specifically asked 'would you be heartbroken in this scenario'. I gave an opinion.

Honestly I think it’s more like having a baby without telling your parents. I would be utterly unmoved by anyone signing a mortgage or opening a business as they’re financial not personal decisions.

Currently not getting married because we want to elope and keep it really simple.
But the grief I would get from my mother for having my ideal wedding and not hers probably means we will never marry. Which is sad really.

In your shoes. If you are confident their sulks will not dull it for you then tell them before. If you think it will tell them after!

Parents should be happy if it makes their kids happy to do that. If its an elopement noone is being excluded from anything.

That's not what everyone wants though. It's their wedding they shouldn't have to put on a show to please their family.

Some friends of mine got married abroad. Told their DC who 2 teens and 1 10 they were going on holiday. Got married over there with only their DC in the wedding party. They had put it off for years to save to buy a house.