Would you be mad if your child eloped?

[Whattodoab]

DP and I have just gotten engaged. We both want to elope abroad next year. The plan is to go to chosen country for ten days and get married on the third (ish) day and then use the rest of the time as the honeymoon. It’s something we’ve spoken about for ages even before engagement so we know we just want it to be the two of us and we have our hearts set on this.

The issue is DP wants to do a traditional elopement. He wants to go abroad and get married and not tell anyone until we’re back. On the other hand I think we should tell our parents because they will be deeply upset if we don’t even brief them on what we’re doing, I’ve said we can leave it as a surprise for everyone else. We both come from absolutely huge families so there will still be an element of surprise. DP said they’ll get over it and we’ll just have a party at some point when we get back to celebrate. I said that isn’t the same and there’s the potential for a lot of heartbreak.

I’ve told my family and friends for years I don’t want a wedding but now the engagement has happened the questions are already starting.

Just asking for opinions about what you would do if your child eloped? Would you be utterly heartbroken? We have our hearts set on this, I’m just wondering the best way to do it.

YABU- just elope
YANBU- get married alone but tell your parents first

This. I would be deeply hurt rather than angry, and would struggle to understand it. It wouldn't matter to me whether you told me in advance or not because I would want to be there to watch and celebrate you get married.

My DD eloped and didn't tell me for a while. I think she was worried about how I'd react. I was okay till she showed me a photo and when I saw a bunch of complete strangers smiling in the background it made me really sad that I'd missed a rite of passage. But I never let on

I would have been absolutely delighted!

My parents, actually no, my mum would have been upset, hurt and furious if I'd done that. If either of my DC elope, I will be happy for them and slightly relieved we have been saved the cost and fuss of a wedding! Would not be at all surprised if DD did this 😂

I would be hurt and upset.

A traditional elopement 😃

You either elope or you don't and telling even one person means it becomes a hush hush wedding and will potentially put a lot more noses out of joint in that some people 'knew' and other didn't.

Go and get married just the two of you and tell everyone when you get back. This is about what you and your partner want. Congratulations by the way.

I wouldn't tell them obviously But I would be really disappointed that they didn't WANT to include me in their day x

If you do this then why should anyone be expected to care when you come back and tell them. I've seen this before. Don't want anyone to witness the marriage or celebrate it but then come back and tell everyone and expect them all to be pleased and interested in the wedding. Of course it's going to hurt your parents, but crack on and do what you want.

Not everyone has a great relationship with their parents. I certainly don’t. I’m also autistic so the idea of a big wedding was horrific to me. This seems to be an alien concept to most people that I know. My husband and I eloped, his best friend and mine were our witnesses and I have no regrets.

When I eventually told my mother (I was led to believe if she cared for me she would be happy, I should have trusted myself) she launched into a huge rant and attacked me with her walking stick.

Im so bloody glad I got married the way I wanted and she didn’t get to marr the day for me. For once her behaviour didn’t overshadow my happiness and I’ll never be anything but grateful that we did what we wanted that best suited us.

You’ve got one life, do what works best for you and enjoy it.

We got married abroad. We told everyone what we were doing but were clear that no-one was invited. Planned a party for the weekend after we were back.

I don't think it would have gone down well if we hadn't been honest and I don't think I'd have enjoyed and relaxed on the say - sounds like you wouldn't be comfortable either.

Enjoy doing your wedding your way, but that includes letting people know if you want to. At least my parents could raise a glass at the appropriate time!

The logical side of me would say the words "It's your day / your life / your wedding, so your choice about how to do it"

but, inside I would be gutted that I meant so little to my dc that they didn't want to share such an important occasion in their lives with me.

As you say you are doing it anyway, I'm not sure why you didn't put in your title that you are eloping anyway, and the question is should you tell parents before you go.

DP is very much of the mindset that it is easier for them to deal with the consequences of what has already happened than them possibly making a drama over what is going to happen

I agree with your dp. If you are doing it anyway, then just go, don't advertise the fact you are going to get married without them, just present it as fact once you've done it.

Yes, I'd be disappointed because I'd be sad to miss such an important occasion in their lives, and find it hard to understand why they would want to. However, I can't imagine my dds doing something like this as they really appreciate family celebrations.

I don’t think I’d be mad but I would be really upset.

One of our group of very close friends eloped 20 years ago. Everyone was hurt. Yes, ppl get over it, but it's it still comes up.

I'm a firm believer in the 'do wahts best for you' view but a wedding ng is bit inky yours and his, in reality. Parents, siblings, close friends and family are also invested and assume they'll b part of your special day.

I would be a little upset but not to the point id hold a grudge or never speak the couple and if it makes them happy so be it their adults its not my job now to tell them what they can and cant do.

I wouldn't be upset. I'd be happy for them

Do it how you both want to.
And then maybe have a little celebration when you get back and have a friend oversee some sort of vow renewal, so everyone else can feel like they celebrated it with you.
Have a wonderful time!!

We eloped, we told family and other people only if they asked. We told everyone who knew the country but not the hotel as we didn’t want any surprise guests 😂
I wouldn’t have changed it for anything! Congratulations and have the BEST time!

I don't see the point in eloping and all that upset and then having a party.

Either Elope or have immediate family wedding & big party.

I am in DHs camp, it’s your wedding and life - not for other to dictate or manipulate how you plan your wedding. In response to Qs about wedding, I would drop very strong hints that there will be no big wedding, and in fact you might just slip off and do it. Lay the ground with parents but you don’t need to tell them anything specific.

No, not at all. Their wedding, their choice.
I’m their mother and I’ve done my job by bringing them up as best I could. I can now take a much needed back seat and let them make their own choices. I join in when I’m invited.

OP I have read all your posts although not the whole thread yet. On the basis of what you've said about your relationship with your mum, I think I agree with your dp that telling them after the wedding, is the way to go.
Personally I wouldn't even tell them the day of the wedding, as you risk her making it about her own feelings and ruining it for you!
You don't want to be under pressure to set up live video of the ceremony, if it's really important to you and your dp to do this just the two of you.

Personally, I think a wedding is an agreement between two people, and is a private commitment and something which is very intimate, so I've never really 'got' the idea of it being a big public thing. To me it's enough that it is legally binding - you don't need that witnessed by everyone.

I wish I'd eloped - my own wedding was somewhat ruined by the expectations and behaviour of my in-laws. I would much much preferred to go away with dh and just do it.

I eloped and told my parents beforehand, but they had a very low key registry office wedding themselves back in the 80s and I knew they wouldn't be too fussed.

The people saying they would be devastated if their child eloped should understand that the cost of a wedding has become ridiculous, and unless they are willing to personally pay the £1000s for their child to have a traditional wedding, they should respect their child's decision to do something more sensible with their cash, like saving for a house deposit.

My first wedding was as small as legally allowed in a register office. No guests at all. It lasted less than a year.

My second wedding was the opposite. In a church with 150+ guests with a massive party afterwards. It’s still going strong years later.

Needless to say, I don’t think there is any real correlation between the size of a wedding and its longevity.

This is what I think too.

Either - you think a wedding is a private thing between the couple, or even just a legal thing - in which case just elope, and you don't need to mention it to anyone.
Or - it is something for family and friends to celebrate with you, in which case invite them to the ceremony.

This "we're running off to get married without anyone, but expect you to celebrate with us and make a fuss even though we haven't involved you" thing I see on MN occasionally doesn't make any sense.