Would you be mad if your child eloped?

[Whattodoab]

DP and I have just gotten engaged. We both want to elope abroad next year. The plan is to go to chosen country for ten days and get married on the third (ish) day and then use the rest of the time as the honeymoon. It’s something we’ve spoken about for ages even before engagement so we know we just want it to be the two of us and we have our hearts set on this.

The issue is DP wants to do a traditional elopement. He wants to go abroad and get married and not tell anyone until we’re back. On the other hand I think we should tell our parents because they will be deeply upset if we don’t even brief them on what we’re doing, I’ve said we can leave it as a surprise for everyone else. We both come from absolutely huge families so there will still be an element of surprise. DP said they’ll get over it and we’ll just have a party at some point when we get back to celebrate. I said that isn’t the same and there’s the potential for a lot of heartbreak.

I’ve told my family and friends for years I don’t want a wedding but now the engagement has happened the questions are already starting.

Just asking for opinions about what you would do if your child eloped? Would you be utterly heartbroken? We have our hearts set on this, I’m just wondering the best way to do it.

YABU- just elope
YANBU- get married alone but tell your parents first

I only have one dd, I'd be upset if she did this.

I wouldn’t be mad - I’d be utterly broken hearted.

Why though?

And what would your reaction be when she told you?

I have 6 kids and of course if any of them marry I would love to be there but ultimately, its their day and their choice. I know that my eldest DD is very likely to elope if she marries her partner. He has ASD and hates being the centre of attention, hates loud parties etc. ETA she is a very low fuss kind of person and very practical. She would hate the idea of spending thousands on a big wedding when it could do something far better for their lives. They would go, get married and that would be it, no party or anything.

His mother would hit the roof. I would not. I would be sad I couldnt have seen it but I love my daughter and her happiness is more important than mine.

For me it wouldn’t be the elopement, it would be the not telling me they were planning to elope part.

I’d be sad not to see them get married but I can accept that they might want it to be just the two of them etc. I’d be hurt to find out we weren’t close enough for them to tell me they were even considering it though. I wouldn’t have an argument about it or anything, I’d just feel a bit sad and small.

It seems that most would want to know it was going to happen. I really seem an outlier having a very strong preference to be told after the fact, when dwelling on what I'm going to miss isn't a possibility.

But I'm a fairly private person, so I understand and respect my kids having their privacy too.

Also I suspect I'd feel slightly differently depending on where their wedding was. If they got married on a foreign holiday I'd cope with any mild disappointment very easily. Because I wouldn't be on their holiday anyway.
If they'd got married at the local registry office, I might feel differently. Because could have been there, in a practical sense. So leaving me out would seem more deliberate.

This!

I'd be relieved....I hate weddings!

I didn't elope but had a very small wedding, only the 2 of us and 2 friends.

I'd been through the whole "white wedding " first time and really experienced some diabolical behaviour from my parents.

My partner hadn't been married before but had a previous relationship where the ex was still extremely involved with the family, despite some very challenging behaviour. My , now MIL, invited her to everything, mentioned her at every opportunity and would have been insisting that she was invited as she was now "a friend ".

We both knew there would be pain and nonsense, so we just booked the registry office, had a lovely ceremony and beautiful day, and then went off on holiday. Been happily married for 15 years.

I now have a great relationship with my MIL. It's a shame she put the ex first for so long, but she did and eventually saw the issues for herself.

Both MIL and parents were unhappy at the time but neither could acknowledge their behaviour meant we couldn't do it their way. It just wasn't the right time for them.

Everyone knew in advance, they were welcome to their reactions in private, but on the day I was so happy.

I think I would be upset. Not if they wanted to elope, that’s fine and their wedding their choice but to not tell us that would hurt!

I got married abroad, Las Vegas 🤪. We told both sets of parents and to be honest mine never expected me to have a church wedding or wear a traditional wedding dress, bit of a Tom boy.

At the end of the day I think you should do what’s good for you, and not have the pressure of pleasing everyone else, plus it costs a fortune.

We thoroughly enjoyed our ceremony in The Little White Chapel, not for everyone I know, the whole event was just for us and an absolute hoot, we had the honeymoon in California, San Diego, which is absolutely beautiful.

My daughter is 28 and god forbid she marries the muppet she lives with, but if she does I have no problem if she wants to bob off somewhere on their own.

My mum laughed and said she thought I'd done it years before! My ever so proper grandmother also laughed like a drain apparently, though she was in a home and medicated by that point. We had a big party afterwards. My dad made a lovely speech. It was all fine, though I was nervous telling my parents!

Would I be hurt? No. Not my wedding, not my decision.

You should do what's right for you, period.

As someone who wanted to elope but was forced into a horrible, massive, soulless family wedding that I will always regret by my jnlaws, I’ve brought my DD up to know that whatever she wants it’s her day and I’ll support her 100%. I would tell your parents but explain your feelings and how important it is to you and how it would make you feel if you had to do something you didn’t want. I still hold it against my in laws to this day and my DH now so much regrets not sticking up to them, he says he can’t imagine himself being so weak-willed now, neither can I really but we are stuck with that memory and some resentment now.

I understand why you want to do it

its not really anyone else’s day but yours. I think you should keep it a secret until after the holiday

I'd be gutted, but I'd get over it if it was for a good reason

I wished we’d done it. I hated my wedding day. It wasn’t us at all. We don’t like being the centre of attention and all the faff that goes with. I have never been the kind of girl who coos over planning their wedding and picking a dress, I hate dresses and a massive tomboy. I felt really uncomfortable from start to finish and it felt like it was for everyone else’s benefit and not ours. Family creating issues and making us feel guilty. One big family networking exercise and we didn’t know 50% of the people who arrived at our night do. We left it very early and drove to our hotel 40 mins away, put on our scruffs, played cards and drunk beer ignoring our phones! Best part of the day.

None of mine seem to want to get married but I’ve said to them that if they want to disappear off to Greek island (or absolutely anywhere) get married on a beach then just get on with it. I have no desire to be a mother of the bride or groom.

We did that, didn't tell anyone until we came back. No-one was at all bothered, as we still had a huge party. And, because we were eloping, my wedding dress wasn't a traditional dress & I have worn it about a dozen times since.

I have often admired those who have had small weddings, especially if they are being true to their beliefs or should I say non-belief as atheists or of no formal religion. All of those I have known who have done this are still married, some over 30 years later.

I would be a hypocrite if I objected to a family member doing the same. I'd only be unhappy if I thought for some reason they were unsuited to each other.

I'd be secretly quiet pleased if DS did it.

I wouldn't mind about the going abroad but and doing it without me but I would mind a lot about not being told beforehand! It's rude imo.

If your DP is trying to push the not telling before bit on you that's not the best note to start marriage on is it really. He should be willing to compromise not his way of the highway.

Did try to persuade mine to elope. Think it’s rather romantic. But they’re determined on doing the whole hoo-ha. Do what you want to do OP.

DH and I did it, we told his parents a couple of days before we were leaving, his DM was very upset, and to this day, 25 years later, doesn’t like to talk about it. However my DM died at 52, my DF actually gave us some spending money, he was relieved I think! SIL, DH sister had the big white wedding, sadly her marriage didn’t last. I don’t regret it at all, if either of my DC want to do the same thing they have our blessing. Not spending out on a big do meant we were able to afford deposit for our family home.

We got married abroad. And then we got married in Gretna Green, Scotland 6 months later.

Why? Because it turns out you need legal documentation easily obtained, such as when in the 2007 national flooding, all your legal documentation gets destroyed.

Seriously, as much as we wrote off for a copy of our wedding license abroad - no reply.

But as far as the UK government is concerned our Gretna Green wedding is valid.

So what is your objective?

Is it no fuss?

Is it little expense?

Is it just the two of you?

But you probably should also factor in a Gretna Green wedding. It's very low cost. It's very legal. They can easily send you copies of your marriage license. And as much as the wedding abroad was amazing, so was gretna green and just the two of us.

I wouldn’t be upset as long as my child was happy. But your parents might be, and only you can decide that.