Would you be mad if your child eloped?

[Whattodoab]

DP and I have just gotten engaged. We both want to elope abroad next year. The plan is to go to chosen country for ten days and get married on the third (ish) day and then use the rest of the time as the honeymoon. It’s something we’ve spoken about for ages even before engagement so we know we just want it to be the two of us and we have our hearts set on this.

The issue is DP wants to do a traditional elopement. He wants to go abroad and get married and not tell anyone until we’re back. On the other hand I think we should tell our parents because they will be deeply upset if we don’t even brief them on what we’re doing, I’ve said we can leave it as a surprise for everyone else. We both come from absolutely huge families so there will still be an element of surprise. DP said they’ll get over it and we’ll just have a party at some point when we get back to celebrate. I said that isn’t the same and there’s the potential for a lot of heartbreak.

I’ve told my family and friends for years I don’t want a wedding but now the engagement has happened the questions are already starting.

Just asking for opinions about what you would do if your child eloped? Would you be utterly heartbroken? We have our hearts set on this, I’m just wondering the best way to do it.

YABU- just elope
YANBU- get married alone but tell your parents first

Because in modern day eloping doesn’t mean just running off to Gretna Green without telling anyone. Times have changed and that word has much more flexible meaning.

https://simplyeloped.com/blog/modern-elope-definition-before-vs-now/#:~:text=them%20getting%20married.-,The%20Modern%20Elope%20Definition,do%20on%20their%20special%20day.

I think you know that if you tell your parents before hand that you won’t be “allowed to elope alone . .

If people already know your wishes and are pestering you already then that shows what they expect .
This isn’t about anyone else though is it .
If you want your parents there then tell then , if not then elope alone as you and dh to be have planned all along .

Absolutely not. What is there to be upset about?

Call your parents from wherever you are the day before.

I think it depends. If my DC saw it as a bit of admin then I wouldn't be sad to miss it. If it was important to them then yes, I'd be sad. I wouldn't be angry though, and I wouldn't take my sadness as a reason not to do it. I'd be sad because I love my DC and I'd much prefer to celebrate with them. Just as I'd be happier to spend Christmases, bank holidays and birthdays with them, even as adults. It doesn't mean that I'd expect it or make a scene, and I'd certainly respect their wishes.

For context, I would love an elopment. I dream of getting married up a mountain in a beautiful Ghost dress followed by a pub lunch, and never telling a soul except my husband and whatever admin forms are needed. In my case I would have to never tell anyone though because my mum really would be devastated. I wouldn't tell her in advance because I know she'd spend the day sobbing.

I must admit it seems attention seeking to tell them in advance, like you want the build up shared without sharing the actual wedding. I'm with your DP, the point of an elopment is you just get on with it and announce after.

I can see one of my DC doing this if they ever marry and it’s fine.

DH and I married with only 2 witnesses, my family were relieved I think as one of my siblings weddings was a bit ‘What are you paying for then?’ towards my parents when they couldn’t afford to contribute much.

DH’s family on the other hand were fuming, crying etc and our relationship has never recovered. Even though I’d never mentioned it previously at all, they just presumed we’d have a big wedding. His sibling blanked me afterwards for anges and told people how angry they were that they weren’t involved or told . They can get fucked, I’ll never speak to them again.

Whose benefit is the ‘not telling them’ for? Your fiancé doesn’t mind your family being upset because they will look shocked before it upsets them? I don’t get it. Whose the surprise for?

As long as i loved their partner and their relationship was good loving and stable then i would be happy for them ,i wanted a 'secret' wedding with my bro as witness but he wouldn't do it as he was sure our parents would be upset so i didn't do it , if i had to do it again i would definitely elope .

Me too.
If one of my 4 'ever' got married (to a nice person obviously) I'd be over the moon and take them out to celebrate asap.

So as long as you're invited 😂 that's not an elopement then and someone else along the chain will be upset instead. It never ends.

Be very careful. My friend wanted to do what you're planning. Holiday and registry office and lovely expensive restaurant afterwards all booked etc. They told their parents first as it felt like the right thing to do. Out of the blue her mother lost her mind about the whole thing and insisted she HAD to be there, weeping and sobbing that her heart was broken etc. Totally out of character for her. That then meant that they invited all the parents to keep the peace. Except her dad was adamant he would honour their wishes and refused to go and said the other 3 should too. They then had to change their dog sitting plans as her husband's parents were going to do it but now they were all going away the same weekend. So they had to rope in siblings to help but didn't tell them why. When siblings found out afterwards they were all upset as the parents had been invited and they felt snubbed. She really regrets telling them first and didn't end up with anything approaching the day they wanted.

I would be delighted if they did that and spared us all the wedding shite. Their friends who are getting wed are all having increasingly big 'productions' and the cost must be astronomical. The last one they went to had something like 14 bridesmaids!

The only time I saw my wonderful, accepting and laid back MIL upset, is when SIL told her that she and her partner were going to get married at a registry office (in SIL's new home city two hours away) with just a couple of colleagues as witnesses and no-one else.

In the end SIL went with the plan, but agreed to a blessing ceremony followed by a small get together for family and close friends, at MIL and FIL's a week later

But the twist was that SIL confessed afterwards that her mum had been right! In the event, she'd found the register office thing soulless and she and BIL felt deflated afterwards with no-one to celebrate with. They went on to really enjoy the blessing ceremony and party!

Been there, done that. Parents seemed fine. We had researched beforehand and advised to hire a photographer to ensure everyone could feel like they'd experienced the day with us. Highly recommend that.

I'd fear that by telling people first, some may express their disappointment which has the potential to sway your plans or at least put a dampener on the eloping. I'd keep quiet.

Well I wouldnt mind, would secretly be relieved to b e honest, but then I am not an attention seeking drama queen who thinks everything should be about me. Having encountered people like your mum OP, I would tell her when you get back, that way she can be as mad as she likes but crucially, you will already have had you perfect wedding day so she cant spoil it. If you tell her beforehand and she reacts badly, you may well feel that is sours the day for you especially if she is sending nasty messages for example.

I think I'd be secretly relieved...dd has been to numerous massive weddings the last couple of years and it just seems to be a big expensive game of one upmanship. The last one they went to was a three day event!

Everyone is different though and I know some of my friends would be devastated.

If you tell them beforehand they’ll want to be there and you’ll possibly get a lot of grief. If you want to elope then do it in secret deal with the inevitable fall out after.

I would be very happy if either DC wanted a wedding abroad without any fuss or guests - although DD is already married
I would prefer to know in advance and help if asked either with money or preparation

There is a compromise to be had here.

Do it DHs way, as long as you have a date and venue booked for the party.

Then you are coming back and saying Surprise! We got married BUT we want to celebrate with you because you're important to us and this is the specific date you can all look forward to and get excited with us and plan for".

It's a lot better than coming back and saying its done but there might be a party at some time (SUBTEXT- if you can be bothered to arrange it now that the important bit is over)

We eloped. Did have a party later. Older relatives were not really pleased, but it wasn't about them. Don't think my mum was really that bothered.We wouldn't have been able to afford a wedding anyway, as buying a house was more important and prices and just rocketed. Been married nearly 20 years, so we're not doing too badly.

The only thing I regret was my dress. I liked it at the time, but I'd have looked fucking amazing in a slinky wedding dress.

Well I wouldnt mind, would secretly be relieved to b e honest, but then I am not an attention seeking drama queen who thinks everything should be about me

There's a fair amount of space between not minding and being an attention seeking drama queen.

I'm sure that there are a lot of people who'd be sad or would mind, who are perfectly decent non-attention seeking people who recognise that it's not really about them.

We eloped so no, wouldn't mind if any of the kids did.

The question is should they tell before eloping, or not.

They've already decided to elope - and I don't blame them

I realise that, and I think that my mother would have been gutted if my sister and I had done this, but she would have kept her feelings to herself or at least, said it in such a way as to communicate her hurt without nastiness.

I was only referring to the OP's mother. I think that either way they do it will cause a massive tantrum but crucially, one will happen AFTER they have had the wedding they want and therefore they will have the memories of such a special day. The other will happen before and could potentially taint it with emotional blackmail, outburst, possibly nasty messages etc sent on the day to try and spoil it......

Personally I would let the tantrum wait until afterwards.

@5foot5 you can be important in your DDs life without having to witness a marriage, if she doesn't want an event of any sort. It's got nothing to do with your importance or otherwise.