To think my best friend is taking the piss

[Findingthisweekhard]

Me best friends daughter and dd are in the same year at the same school. I have older and younger children too and she also has a 1 year old. She’s got a 1 year old and has recently gone back to work full time, her husband also works full time.
She has no formal childcare. She was due to use the same childminder as me but changed her mind last minute as they didn’t want to pay for it.
Now almost weekly she’s asking me to pick up her school age dd and have her after school until she finishes work. Last week I had a day annual leave with my young kids at the childminder as some much needed down time, the night before she messaged begging me to have her little one for the day as she had no other options and had to go in to the office (she does twice a week). I reluctantly agreed and it was awful. My chilled day wondering the shops and lunch with my sister turned in to me rocking a buggy for hours, eating my lunch stood up bouncing him and just generally miserable.
shes just messaged me again asking to do the school run and it’s given me absolute rage.
ive dropped my hours to part time and pay for wrap around childcare on my office days and a childminder for all my working hours so we have less disposable income but live within our means. She’s taking advantage of this, to their benefit of 2 full time salaries and no childcare costs.
she really is my best friend but this can’t go on, aibu to stop collecting her child from school when I’m there collecting mine anyway?

I think the message read well. It's all things which need saying. If she takes it badly, that's on her. It would be a shame to lose the friendship but she's using you and you need to stop this happening before it's been too long and become more established - it would only be harder.

Good message.

Honestly its INSANE she has no formal childcare and works FT.

While a "hard to receive" message it is more than fair.

If she sends anything other than a positive message / apology I'd be reviewing the friendship

I'm incredulous that you've done it so far & said no.

I think your message is very good. It says everything it needs to say, and ends on a friendly note.

I can’t believe you had her 1 yo on your precious child free day off! How could she even have the nerve to ask?

I also feel sorry for her 1 yo - being juggled by parents who are also trying to “work from home” is not start in life for a child.

Not your problem though. You now need to start saying no any and every time she asks again.

This is really rubbish behaviour. I’d only ask a friend in an emergency. Not as essentially routine childcare. Tell her you can’t have them again.

Great message and hopefully she'll read it in the spirit it's meant and give herself a kick up the bum for being so cheeky.

Bravo OP 👏 can’t have been an easy message to send

This is not your fault. Do not feel guilty at all for her not responding!!!!

It's absurd they cancelled childcare and are now depending on you, and her working from home with the baby.

She should be showing up with flowers and a bottle of wine to apologize.

YANBU someone tried this with me once many years ago. Took a job, no childcare provision and was sending her daughter to my house an hour before the children left for school. I responded by sending the child home (a few doors away, I knew mother hadn’t left for work) and telling her my daughter would call for her on the way to school. Did the trick, childcare was miraculously in place soon after.

Your friend is taking ridiculous advantage of you!

If you want to avoid conflict just make something up - like you've had extra work given to you/need to cover for long-term sick leave etc.

You were right to say something OP. I wouldn't be happy having a day off with my kids at nursery if I were looking after someone else's child. Why should you pay for childcare so that your friend can use you! I do think your message to your friend was unnecessarily long and could have been more to the point but hope she understands and your friendship isn't ruined.

Eek - just read your message to your friend.

I think my idea was a bit better...oh well.

This ^^
OP. Its the good old "If you don't help me out with free childcare, you are not my friend" routine. They always have a desperate last minute emergency and you are always the ONLY person that can help them out. There will be a lot of people on this thread who have experienced this.
I see that a lot of people have advised telling her that you can't pay for childcare to look after her child for free, and I agree. She probably will kick off about this because like most CFs, she is entitled, everyone owes her.

You summed it up yourself when you said
I've dropped my hours to part time and pay for wrap around childcare on my office days and a childminder for all my working hours so we have less disposable income but live within our means. She’s taking advantage of this, to their benefit of 2 full time salaries and no childcare costs.

You took a salary cut and pay for wrap around childcare so that you could devote your time and attention to your own child, your own life. Why should you make those financial sacrifices and then be expected to subsidise her lifestyle? She booked the childminder and then decided she did'nt want to pay - because she thought she'd use you for free instead.

Those are not the actions of a true friend.

It's not a nice situation to be in OP, and it will be hard to tell her, but you'll have to nip this in the bud or it will weigh you down.

Sorry OP. Just spotted your update. Well done. I hope she recognises that you valued the friendship and that you get a reasonable response, but in any case, you've been very clear.

I think OP's message was spot on and much better than...lying. Oh well, everyone has their own approaches I guess.

Well done op. You are too good for her. 💐💐💐

Why do people allow themselves to be used so much? I am sympathetic to you and you are clearly a nice(r) person (than I am) but why why did you agree to having her kid on the day you were meant to be relaxing with your sister? Come on! Please just say no.......'no sorry, that doesn't work for me!' I even tell my class this phrase and they are 9/10 years old. Although when I give them their homework sheets and they say it....:) but anyway, JUST SAY NO!

....but that said, kudos for your message! Well done- job done!

@@SheerLucks

Eek - just read your message to your friend.
I think my idea was a bit better...oh well

Why should OP have to make up a lie to a 'friend' who's taking the piss??

What’s better about lying and being weak? OP used her backbone and will feel much more confident nipping these types of situations in the bud after this.

Well done for sending the message op.

her response will be extremely telling. Either she will apologise profusely, in which case you can move forwards. Or she will say you are mean/start begging/whining etc - in which case, she’s not a friend at all, just a user.

I don’t mean to be rude to you, but you sound like a people pleaser.

This will not serve you well in the long term (believe me, I’ve been there).

OP needed to say no to inappropriate requests for the sake of her own mental health and the sake of her own children. She has done the right thing sending that message.

Please don’t let people trample you SheerLucks and don’t let them make you into a liar. Telling little lies like that is classic people pleasing and it’s very bad for you in the long run.

Imagine how entitled you’d have to be to read that message and think anything other than ah shit I’ve been taking the absolute piss haven’t I??

Precisely. Which is why her response will be so telling.

Is this the first instance of CF-ery?