To think my best friend is taking the piss

[Findingthisweekhard]

Me best friends daughter and dd are in the same year at the same school. I have older and younger children too and she also has a 1 year old. She’s got a 1 year old and has recently gone back to work full time, her husband also works full time.
She has no formal childcare. She was due to use the same childminder as me but changed her mind last minute as they didn’t want to pay for it.
Now almost weekly she’s asking me to pick up her school age dd and have her after school until she finishes work. Last week I had a day annual leave with my young kids at the childminder as some much needed down time, the night before she messaged begging me to have her little one for the day as she had no other options and had to go in to the office (she does twice a week). I reluctantly agreed and it was awful. My chilled day wondering the shops and lunch with my sister turned in to me rocking a buggy for hours, eating my lunch stood up bouncing him and just generally miserable.
shes just messaged me again asking to do the school run and it’s given me absolute rage.
ive dropped my hours to part time and pay for wrap around childcare on my office days and a childminder for all my working hours so we have less disposable income but live within our means. She’s taking advantage of this, to their benefit of 2 full time salaries and no childcare costs.
she really is my best friend but this can’t go on, aibu to stop collecting her child from school when I’m there collecting mine anyway?

She’s using you, unfortunately. She should either pay for child care, or at least offer you some reciprocal arrangements. Occasionally helping each other out is fine; this is ridiculous!

She won’t respond. If she does, it will be to fly off the handle I expect. Hopefully I'm wrong though.
OP you couldn't have worded that message any better if you tried, well done. 👍🏻

@Codlingmoths Agreed!

Yeah that message is a lot. If she's unreasonable she may never speak to you again. Why not just say I'm sorry I am no longer able to help with the school and childcare. And leave it at that.

Great message. I recently dumped one of my close friends for years of extreme CF. It's been so liberating and such a relief. I'm sure you and your friend will sort it out 🙏

Years ago I looked after a friend's young children quite often. Before I had my own marriage and children. No pay. Paid the busfare myself. They never drove me home.I really liked her and the children.

One day after spending a night at their house I got a text that she wasn't happy in my company.
Great. I was the one babysitting for free. Not a friend.

Say no. Nothing good will come from carry on.

Late to the thread but her behaviour is outrageous! Her poor kids being shunted from pillar to post with no stability or clear plan week to week. I took pay an insane amount of money for childcare and wrap around for my two but I do it because I need to work. It's just what you so. I hope she apologies!

Can’t believe the bloody cheek of her!
Brilliant message you sent - it’ll be interesting to see what she comes back with . . . 👀

Very good message, OP. The history of CFuckery regarding child care on MN usually signals the end of the "friendship" when the favours are withdrawn. Let's hope for something that bucks the trend.

In my recent experience (where i exploded after being left with two demanding kids until after 8pm with basically no warning, the last of a few long, tedious, no-reciprocated days with extra kids) setting a boundary like this is not well received. But it's also meant I am no longer providing free childcare services that I really had no capacity for, and feeling increasingly resentful, so it was worth it.

Wow. What a cheek

also how anyone can wfh with a 13 month old is beyond me. I thought companies were clamping down more on this now

How long has she been back at work managing working full time with a one year old?

Surely that isn't sustainable and she must be well aware of this?

If I received your message it would take a little time to digest. The bit about calling their child a nightmare, I know that's not exactly what you meant but it's how it may be perceived. Also the way you've broken down what you have done and how much it's costing you could be seen as too much information when less words may have done. However. You have clearly been taken advantage of and sometimes that bearing around the bush approach just dormant land the message as intended.

I hope your friend takes the message as intended, sorts childcare, perhaps offers you a peace offering to thank you for your help so far and that you both move on with your friendship.

Hopefully she will come back and apologise even if she's upset by your message. It is very hard when you are struggling for childcare support but if that arises because you've chosen not to spend money on the appropriate care then that's your own decision and your own fault. You can't expect others to bail you out except in an emergency.

I’m not surprised to be honest. It was a really unkind message where you judged a scrip per her apart. You absolutely shouldn’t be doing it but that wasn’t the way to tell her.

You are raging about something you are choosing to do.

Well done!

An (ex) best friend of mine tried this crap on me. I wfh and have no kids so she thought she would help me to change my selfish ways and land me with her childcare. I have had a tough childhood and sacrificed a lot for the life I have so I just said no. She didn’t like it and flounced away from the friendship. Good riddance.

she now has another best friend, a really lovely woman who is at her beck and call for childcare, money lending and other cf demands.

Your 'idea' was not better.

Btw - people you lie to know you're lying...and as much as they may swallow your pish to avoid conflict, they think you're weak and self-serving.

Try standing up for yourself in a mature, honest manner instead of inventing rubbish.

@Findingthisweekhard

I agree with the general Census

I 🤔 think her attitude towards you your so called best friend is emotionally manipulative abusive terriority
Like spring fayre red buntings galore.

She knows your a soft touch,

you are easily manipulatived she will carry on doing

this until she has her next target in mind sights an then onto another one when that sours eventually etc,

She is mistreating you badly

Treat her accordingly to the way she or anyone else treats you
Act accordingly,

I am wondering has she ever really been a good friend in the first place or is it cause of low self esteem through Shitty 💩💩💩💩 adverse experiences in life particularly in childhood,?

Has done a real number on you hence,

this is how this situation has come about,

Just like this friendship dynamic has gone off Sour and putrid...
It's envitable sooner or later this will happen in a situation like this,

I would question really if a good friend of yours,
had told 🤔 about she had someone like this in her life
What advice would you give her ?

Well done OP, your message is exactly what you needed to say.
To often we sugar things, and not give the true reason why, your friend needed to be told.

Well done for sticking up for yourself. Unless she comes back with a grovelling apology she has some bloody nerve!

I like your message - I know some people think it’s too wordy, but you’ve given her no wiggle-room to try to push back again. There is literally nothing she can argue because you’ve told the truth. She might choose to be offended by her child being a nightmare on your day off - but her child was a nightmare on your day off.

If you don’t hear from her I imagine it will be through shame/embarrassment - she has no right to be angry because you’ve pointed out that she’s doing things that she is really doing.

I hope she can get a grip on her childcare situation and put her pride to one side to make an effort to repair your friendship. That is all on her though - you’ve done enough.

She might be feeling guilty op and speak to you today

That was a great message. Asking you to collect her school age child is one thing - but I cannot believe she even asked you to look after her 1yo when you had a lovely relaxing day out planned with your sis and had booked your twins into childcare. I’d only ever ask that of someone in an absolute emergency- like hospital death bed type emergency! She really is cheeky and I hope she realises and replies nicely and appropriately to your message.

That was a great message you sent. Honestly if you said nothing, you'd end up angry and falling out with her. Seems strange that she thinks her time is more valuable than yours? She needs to reduce her hours or pay for a child minder. She seems a bit greedy trying to save her money at your expense. Update us op, let us know what she says.