To think my best friend is taking the piss

[Findingthisweekhard]

Me best friends daughter and dd are in the same year at the same school. I have older and younger children too and she also has a 1 year old. She’s got a 1 year old and has recently gone back to work full time, her husband also works full time.
She has no formal childcare. She was due to use the same childminder as me but changed her mind last minute as they didn’t want to pay for it.
Now almost weekly she’s asking me to pick up her school age dd and have her after school until she finishes work. Last week I had a day annual leave with my young kids at the childminder as some much needed down time, the night before she messaged begging me to have her little one for the day as she had no other options and had to go in to the office (she does twice a week). I reluctantly agreed and it was awful. My chilled day wondering the shops and lunch with my sister turned in to me rocking a buggy for hours, eating my lunch stood up bouncing him and just generally miserable.
shes just messaged me again asking to do the school run and it’s given me absolute rage.
ive dropped my hours to part time and pay for wrap around childcare on my office days and a childminder for all my working hours so we have less disposable income but live within our means. She’s taking advantage of this, to their benefit of 2 full time salaries and no childcare costs.
she really is my best friend but this can’t go on, aibu to stop collecting her child from school when I’m there collecting mine anyway?

Talk about victim blaming!

Are you the cheeky fucker friend @HollyKnight ???

OP your message was perfect, covered everything, which is important rather than have to clarify things with further messages and you've drawn a clear line in the sand - no more being taken advantage of. Well done.

You are definitely going to have to put your foot down and say no! Otherwise you are stuck doing this for years and it will mentally wear you down. She is taking the piss and no way would I be doing this.

Someone has already asked that. Do keep up.

Bravo to you for sending that OP, I could never. Also not sure how I’d feel about receiving it, even though I agree it was the right thing to do. Hopefully your friend will reply soon and all will be well.

I don't think it's fair to say op has made a 'judgement' of her because its not occasional help she's asked for. I think a reasonable person accepts what op has explained is not occasional help but a complete lack of awareness for someone's time. It is not OK to impose on a friend this much and it is not OK to expect your friend to have your child when she doesn't even have her own kids that day. Where as I think the message sent won't be taken well and if it were me I don't think I would have said things like 'relying on me to bail you out', this won't be taken well but in ops defence her friend has essentially been offensive with her behaviour and if you act rude then expect rude back.

I sadly agree

If I'd received a text like that from my friend I'd be straight on the phone to apologise.

I helped out in a similar way but the "favours" kept expanding, bit by bit. When I told her I couldn't continue, she was absolutely furious because she saw me as deliberately costing her money and actively cutting into her income. All my previous help counted for nothing in comparison with that fact.

But I still think that the OP's message was clear, direct and stops this situation from mushrooming, since by choosing not to book any childcare at all The Friend has made it clear she expects OP to fill in for nothing, because she's available and --- friendship.

So I think the OP didn't have much to lose by sending it, as If she let this go too far, friendship would be so unequal and blow up anyway. It was better and more honest to be direct. She's also said that she values the friendship.
Its time for the friend to cool down and recognise it was asking too much. If they can have a conversation about it, they may be able to continue being friendly.

The cheek of some people. Glad your stood up for yourself OP.

I agree with a pp. While she's taken the piss with her requests, you need to take a bit of responsibility too and your message to her is attacking her for something you agreed to.

Why did you have her baby on your day off then get angry with her about it? That's on you, for saying yes.

I hope you're OK Op, even if she was being a pain it's not easy to tell a friend off

That was a great message. Hopefully you receive an apology and the friendship can remain in tact. She could potentially just move on and find someone else that she can use for free childcare, but you're better knowing that and enjoying your days off in peace.

I suspect this friendship is now over.

Genuine friends can be honest with each other and then move on. As she clearly isn’t capable of it I suspect there’s nowhere to go from here.

I helped out in a similar way but the "favours" kept expanding, bit by bit. When I told her I couldn't continue, she was absolutely furious because she saw me as deliberately costing her money and actively cutting into her income. All my previous help counted for nothing in comparison with that fact.

All too often, if you call out someone else's bad behaviour, they end up blaming you!

She likes her Money
more than she likes you.

tell her you are happy to help occasionally with after school, but not full child minding. She needs to sort out her life & money.

“you sound really pissed off. I just thought we could make do until September (to get the funding for y) with some help from friends and family but that was so stupid, im doing work and mumming badly. You’ve obviously done way more than you were comfortable with so sorry you feel like I’ve taken the piss. I do really appreciate your help. I know y ruined your day with your sister the teething really didn’t help I suppose!!! It’s so hard juggling it all and now the childminder said she’s full. I’m a twat. I should have taken the space. Now it’s even more of a mess!!!! I’m going to try and sort childcare and flexible working asap. Can I take you to spa? We can have a wine and laugh about how naive I was

**changed a few identifying details but obvs if she reads this she will know it’s her anyway!

I feel like this is the ultimate level of adulthood. I am always such a people pleaser I never stand up for myself so I guess it took her a while to get over the shock of me putting myself first and she values our friendship enough to be accept my perhaps harsh but true message?

That's good - friendship might be salvageable?

That's a really adult response from her and she is definitely a friend worth keeping. She's recognised where she's gone wrong, feels bad and wants to make it up to you.

You are both seem really nice.

Not "might be salvageable" - their friendship is totally fine! What a result OP. Great work standing up for yourself

Fab message to your friend and a nicely adult response from her. Hopefully this is enough to draw a line and move on with your friendship.

I'm glad you got an apology, albeit a bit of a limited one. I don't like the use of I'm sorry you feel that, when clearly it's more than that, and blaming teething on your day out being ruined.

But when all is said and done she has apologised and offered a way forward. I'd say yes to the offer of the spa - she owes you financially and time wise - but I'd definitely not be doing any more childcare at all.

She is taking advantage of your 'friendship'. If she asks again on a day you have taken as a holiday say 'no' - I'd even have something booked to do that I could not cancel, too. And stop picking up her DD from school and having her at home. You are not a childminder but if anything happes to her DD who is responsible? Don't do it. They can afford childcare - if not, then she can give up her job.

Well, that message back from her is alright, I suppose. Slightly deflecting as she says she's "sorry you feel like she's taken the piss". I'd accept the "apology" and definitely take her up on the spa.

That's a decent and honest response, so pleased for you!