To think my best friend is taking the piss

[Findingthisweekhard]

Me best friends daughter and dd are in the same year at the same school. I have older and younger children too and she also has a 1 year old. She’s got a 1 year old and has recently gone back to work full time, her husband also works full time.
She has no formal childcare. She was due to use the same childminder as me but changed her mind last minute as they didn’t want to pay for it.
Now almost weekly she’s asking me to pick up her school age dd and have her after school until she finishes work. Last week I had a day annual leave with my young kids at the childminder as some much needed down time, the night before she messaged begging me to have her little one for the day as she had no other options and had to go in to the office (she does twice a week). I reluctantly agreed and it was awful. My chilled day wondering the shops and lunch with my sister turned in to me rocking a buggy for hours, eating my lunch stood up bouncing him and just generally miserable.
shes just messaged me again asking to do the school run and it’s given me absolute rage.
ive dropped my hours to part time and pay for wrap around childcare on my office days and a childminder for all my working hours so we have less disposable income but live within our means. She’s taking advantage of this, to their benefit of 2 full time salaries and no childcare costs.
she really is my best friend but this can’t go on, aibu to stop collecting her child from school when I’m there collecting mine anyway?

Is this relationship with your friend currently making you feel happier or more stressed? The answer to this will tell you what you need to do.

The friend doesn't have to accept anything. If the friend decides that she doesn't like the judgments the OP has made about her or is hurt by the accusation that she has taken advantage of her (rather than thinking best friends help each out occasionally or when desperate) then she might not want to remain friends with her.

It is the OP who has said she wants to keep the friendship, so it was in the OP's best interest to handle this in a way that would enable that. But what's done is done. All she can do now is hope that her friend will be ok with being friends with someone who thinks of her like that.

It would take a really measured person with some insight into their own behaviour to take that text well! From what you’ve said, your friend is not like that at all and doesn’t think of anyone but herself.

If you were too worried about her reaction to saying no to giving up your day off to look after her child why are you now bold enough to completely refuse all future childcare and write a long message about why her lifestyle choices are completely wrong? Surely you know it’s friendship over now?!

Her silence speaks volumes!

im ordering if her dh normally does the drop offs.

Let me get this right: you took a day's annual leave so that you could have some much needed down time?

And she then abused that - I'd go as far as to say "stole" that - by asking you to spend your day off (for which, effectively you have paid) looking after her child, for whom she hadn't wanted to pay to have a childminder (but it's ok to use you)

I think your message was very reasonable - you've been constructive with solutions that don't involve you and honest about your feeling. If that permanently damages your relationship with your friend, then that's on her, not on you.

Unless there is something else going on behind the scenes that you're not aware of? In which case, she needs to tell you, not try to continue to take advantage of you and leave you effectively paying for her childcare (since you are the one who chose to reduce your hours).

I hope you do get a reasonable response from your friend, once she's had a chance to think about it

Exactly I cannot get my head round someone treating you badly and you’re supposed to not mention it, to preserve the friendship. What the hell is that all about. Why are women still being given these messages.

she’s treated the op badly. The right for the op to do is explain the issues and her feelings. Not sweep it under the rug to preserve the friendship.

wtf?

It’s interesting your annual leave day coincides with when she HAD to go into the office….

Does she have to go in on set days or are they flexible? If the latter she may have taken advantage of your good nature to score free childcare or even given herself a child free day. What would she have done if you HADN’T been available?

Read your posts saying she wfh or husband has baby. I think you were played so she/they have day off. Which says a lot about the value she places on you and your own precious free time

What a fucking skinflint not paying for childcare she desperately needs.

She is treating you like a mug.

I kind of agree with this. She is absolutely taking the piss and I do agree a strong message was needed but I think it's too long and heaped with judgment.

I'm not saying that judgment isn't fair at all but it will be quite challenging for her to move on from.

I kind of feel this is a message I'd send if I wasn't hoping to keep the friendship.

I doubt it, I suspect more she picked her day in the office to coincide with the op being off, so she could have free childcare.

@Findingthisweekhard just coming on to say well done to you. That was a difficult message to have to send and was really well-written. x

Are you the friend......

Yes. I am also a man, a MRA, AI, a troll, and your MIL. 🙄

I can’t believe you’ve been tolerant tbh. Take it from us that she’s no friend of yours if she has an issue with that message!

I hope she comes back with a serious apology.

However I do think it’s a bad sign that she didn’t immediately reply with anything even basic like “I’m so very sorry, I will make this up to you and have a good think about all this” or anything at all.

if you lose the friendship over it, you were better off without her anyway.

I'm a bit surprised at all the posters saying they hope she replies gracefully. Surely anyone capable of behaving like this in the first place is very unlikely to be graceful when confronted, however politely?

I totally agree. The friend and her husband both "work from home" but are actually looking after a baby and have refused to get stable childcare for their children because they don't want to pay for it. They'd rather palm them off on others last minute than have them settled somewhere with a paid professional. That is a crap parent, crap employee and crap friend to be perfectly honest.

If she is cheeky enough to repeatedly ask you to help with childcare, particularly on your day off then I would not be expecting any sort of reasonable reply to your message. No reasonable person would have asked in the first place.

I imagine someone who's quite happy to WFH with kids there and up until this point hasn't made suitable arrangements for their situation, and has already exhausted what's acceptable as favours from a friend, has little guilt around taking the piss. So don't give your guilt.

You definitely weren't wrong to address it. But she probably won't apologise and the friendship probably is over. It's common for relationships to fail when the person being taken advantage of applies a boundary.

There's nothing you could have done/said better to avoid that. You've denied her of your usefulness. She'll not see past that. You've every right to judge her by the way, given you've been expected to provide solutions to her self inflicted problems.

best friends help each out occasionally or when desperate

In this situation, as @Findingthisweekhard explained, it’s neither. A regular request, precisely because the friend chose not to pay for her own childcare when she works, and neither her or her husband willing to inconvenience themselves or their employers because of the choices they have made.

It’s a blatant assumption that OPs time is not as valuable as hers.

Cheekyfuckery 101.

It is not YOU that isn’t being a good friend here. The fact she was happy for you to take her 1 year old for the day, when she knew you were meant to be having a child-free day with your sister and paying for childcare for your kids- that isn’t something a good friend does! And her response to that message should have been an immediate ‘god you’re right, am so sorry, things have been a bit crazy but you’re right I need to sort it. Definitely don’t want it to spoil our friendship.’ But no- she’s seen it, and is just- annoyed with you, because you’re setting a boundary so is ignoring you. Don’t back down OP!

f the friend decides that she doesn't like the judgments the OP has made about her or is hurt by the accusation that she has taken advantage of her (rather than thinking best friends help each out occasionally or when desperate)

whatever are you on about. This is far from helping each other out occasional when desperate. I can’t see how any one can read the op and come to this conclusion.

Yes, but the point is the OP WANTS to stay friends with this woman. IMO life would be much easier if people could "tell it like it is" and have everyone accept and respect that. But we all know that is not how the world works. You should only "tell it like it is" if you don't care about the outcome. The OP has taken a massive risk by "telling it like it is" because SHE cares about the outcome. SHE wants to continue the friendship.

A decent friend would have texted back straight away apologising.

No contact proves she's guilty.

Move on from this friendship op

Basically op, you've been paying for her childcare. That's what it is. It's on your buck