To think my parents should just book the flights

[Mastmw7g]

DH and I are in the United States and unable to pay for flights to see grandparents on the school break this year. We let everyone know with plenty of time. Both sets of grandparents agreed to pay. They decided to have my parents pay and then my ILs are going to reimburse my parents for half the cost.

My parents still haven't booked the flights. I spoke to them and they said they are very busy and will book them eventually. DH is getting irritated because he says time is passing and flights are increasing in cost and my parents choice is making this more expensive for my ILs. He says we shouldn't go and just save everyone the money.

I said we would be making other plans for the summer because the dates for the visit is less than a month away and they haven't booked flights. The response I have is that I may feel that way but they will still be booking flights and it's a shame if we decide not to take advantage of the tickets and still come

So let them - not that it's going to happen, because if they've not sorted it already what would be the point of doing so if you've got other plans made?

Frankly it's getting a bit silly now and becoming a control thing rather than a pleasure for anyone. Doubtless they'll whine about how you "wouldn't come" when they "did everything they could to help", but let them get on with that too

The game only continues if there are two (or more) players, so quite simply I'd bring it to a close

RTFT: OPs parents made all the decisions and forced OP and DH into this stupid position. Every time a perfectly reasonable solution was suggested to OP parents they rejected it or subverted it. Some people cant be reasoned with.

They’re juggling their own credit card bills. They’re moving to their own timeline, because it suits them.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t suit anyone else. Your family doesn’t dance to their tune. Your in laws don’t dance to their tune.

Make it crystal clear you won’t be coming. “Mum, Dad - I want to be 100% clear: we are not coming to the UK this summer. My ILs won’t be paying for any portion of any flights. Do jot book these tickets unless you want to throw money away”.

Leave any explanations etc for another message. Make this clear. Put it in writing.

Your DD doesn’t get to call any shots. She gets what she’s given, she’s a child.

Your primary duty is to your nuclear family in this situation, not your parents. The proposed trip is under a month away fgs. Do your parents think you’re hanging around just waiting for them to tell you when to jump into action?? Life doesn’t work that way. You’re a parent and a wife. You have to take responsibility for your duties to your husband and children.

Disgraceful behaviour on your parents behalf.
Your husband has every right to be furious.
Your lack of firmness with them has created this situation.
If your husband refuses to visit them again, it is their own fault.
I would be furious to be messed about like this.
Tell your daughter that this is her grandparents fault.
Your poor in laws.

I would suggest that you read the full thread to be honest, because OPs parents don't seem to have forced anything, and no suggestions have actually been made to the parents apart from going at a different time (which didn't suit the parents), apart from keeping asking them about booking the flights.

In the OPs posts it says that she made the decision not to go 9 months ago, but then her parents insisted and said they would pay for them to come because they want them to spend time with OPs sister and children who will be there at the same time.

At some (unspecified) point the trip has been changed(?) to OPs family seeing both sets of parents and the Parents in law have 'arranged' for OPs parents to pay and they will pay them back their half.. this is the bit that isn't clear to me and definitely isn't specified in OPs posts.. she also said earlier in the posts that last time they went over they spent much longer with the in laws then her own parents.

Maybe her parents only wanted to pay so you would come and visit them and they've now decided they don't want to have to pay half the money for OPs family to go and spend more time with the in laws then with them? OP even said she wasn't looking forward to seeing her parents, it was out of obligation only, but it was a good opportunity to see the in laws as MIL can't travel to them. Maybe OPs parents think they won't get paid back and OP will spend most the time with the in laws? But why not just say they've changed their mind?

Either way, OPs parents obviously don't want to book these flights, and any suggestion to the OP to ask for half the money from each set of parents and then book the flights herself, which seems the most logical and surely is the easiest way of doing it anyway, has been completely ignored by OP?

They DID do that fairly early on.

You’ve spoken to your parents, but your husband isn’t happy with their response putting you in the middle. Can’t he speak to your parents?

Wow, this is weaponized incompetence.
"Hard work"? Really?
Meal selection, how on earth would they cope?

Your parents' behaviour is bizarre. They offered, they still want to do it, but they won't do it? It's just odd. I don't understand why they are leaving you hanging ?

Fuck me stand up for your in-laws and your family to your parents. You're letting th down with your cowardice

What if you and your in-laws pay for DH and DD to go and see them, as per original plan? Money will be saved on your ticket, and your in-laws won’t miss out on seeing the family.

they've been too busy to speak with me

This whole thread screams that they don't want this, and you let them walk all over you. When you do feel that you've made a stand, you pin it on your husband.

A lot of that will be learned behaviour, but you've got a family now. It's time to stop pandering to this.

My parents booked the flights four or five days ago. I said we wouldn't go and my children want to. So I need to decide if this is something I'm going to do.

Well I think even though they have annoyed you I would go. It will be a chance to see them face to face and hopefully put this behind you. Also your children want to go and I am sure ILs will be pleased.

I get the not wanting to go after they messed you about but I think everyone suffers from that. It was annoying tell them it was. But then move on.

I would be sticking to not paying anything towards the flights though.

How did they resolve the payment issue?

I think you might need to reframe the issue so that its not “I won’t go” but “ we can’t come up with the enormous half of the ticket my parents require in partial payment.”

Stop letting yourself be pushed around by “what the children want.” You are giving that way too much headspace and its going to make you and your children miserable. They can’t always have expensive things.

I sense in this story a very long and unseemly family history of parental favoritism and of your parents using money to favour ir punish or coerce you and your siblings. If you let them jerk you around with this trip and n behalf of your children you will be starting this game of divide and conquer all over again for the next generation.

How old are the children?

Will you have to pay half?

I think you need to enforce your boundaries here op. Otherwise nothing will change.

This is their fault, not yours.

There’s no way around it: if you go, you’d be allowing your parents to mess you around like this (fine, your choice), but also mess around your husband, your children and your in laws. Not to mention the division it would sow in your marriage. What message would you be giving your husband if you caved and went (presumably hiding behind your children’s preferences)? And what message would it give if you said no, we told you we weren’t coming, you’ve brought this upon yourselves. He’s your life partner, he’ll be there long after your parents are gone. And what would it all be for? Because you can’t say no to parents who treat you like you’re 12? Who prioritize themselves over literally everyone while you also prioritize them at the expense of your husband and children and in laws?

It’s not about the power trip. It’s about self-respect. You have a whole life separate and away from your parents. You are a person with relationships just as important as, if not more important than the one you have with your parents (who, it seems, don’t rate you or your relationships as highly as they rate themselves). You’d be dragging all those people into this messed up dynamic with you, simply because you can’t say no.

As for your children wanting to go: which child wouldn’t? Of course they want to go. But would they pay the price? Would they suffer the consequences? They’re children. They should be responsibility-free. Which means they don’t have the right to dictate either.

And who’s going to pay your PILs’ share of the fare?

Were the flights significantly more expensive than they could have been?

OP could it possibly be the case that they were waiting for the funds to be able to pay their half but were too embarrassed to tell you that they didn't have the money at the time?

OP, so you are controlled by your parents and children?
Why are your children even a part of such a conversation?
Nothing to do with them.
Your parents are an absolute disgrace but are clearly well used to treating you like this and you are accepting it.
I wouldn't go and I would tell them that it is absolutely because of THEIR behaviour. I would tell the children it isn't happening because these things happen sometimes.
I would apologise profusely to my in laws for my parents being rude inconsiderate people, and do the same to my husband.
I would think long and hard about the message I send out to my parents that makes them think they can be so bloody rude to me and how my accepting of their awful behaviour impacts others.

If I was your husband I would be apoplectic at you for allowing your parents to be so rude and inconsiderate of our family and my parents.

It's my in laws who originally offered to pay half the flights. My parents haven't asked them to reimburse half the costs and my husband said he'll tell them not to pay if they're asked. The flights cost 30% more because of the delay in booking. I'm surprised it isn't more.

My husband is leaving the decision to me on whether or not we go. I do feel like my in laws would be the real losers in this if we didn't go, since they don't travel and haven't seen the children for a year.

I don't think so. They don't work and always seem to have money for what they want to do. They recently went on a cruise to Australia and are planning another cruise now. It's possible that they were trying to be economical with their travel plans.

The flights cost 30% more than when I sent screenshots. I don't know if they would have been even cheaper had they been bought three to six months before travel.

My retired parents are also always incredibly busy! Between their social life, holidays and trips and shopping they're non-stop!