To think my parents should just book the flights

[Mastmw7g]

DH and I are in the United States and unable to pay for flights to see grandparents on the school break this year. We let everyone know with plenty of time. Both sets of grandparents agreed to pay. They decided to have my parents pay and then my ILs are going to reimburse my parents for half the cost.

My parents still haven't booked the flights. I spoke to them and they said they are very busy and will book them eventually. DH is getting irritated because he says time is passing and flights are increasing in cost and my parents choice is making this more expensive for my ILs. He says we shouldn't go and just save everyone the money.

What conversation have you actually had with them? I cannot imagine any parents would still not bother to book it if you’d said all the stuff you’d been advised to say. Have you told them your in-laws can’t afford the increase and it’s just getting worse? Have you told them you’re cancelling the trip if it isn’t booked?

Do you talk to these people at all?

For goodness sake, OP, just stand up to your parents and cancel it. Nobody really wants this to happen, do they? And even if they do blame you, so what? It's really time that you put your husband's wishes ahead of your parents.

Oh come on OP - stop being so wet!

This is overly complex, the four grandparents should have wired you the money to book your own tickets. If you need to move a flight, add luggage, or pay to select seats your parents will have to manage anything involving payment of additional costs.

Plus to book tickets, your parents will need all your passport info.

Why couldn't they just have transferred the funds to you in the first place, so that you could book your flights yourselves?!
If they really wanted you to haul your kids there on a certain date, they should have tried harder to help make it happen.
I'd suggest you now tell them that you won't be able to visit this summer/ while the cousin is there, but will stay at your new home and finish the garden off instead. And invite your DH's parents to come and visit and see it (and their grandchildren) using the funds they would otherwise have contributed towards your travel costs.

There’s got to be something going on here surely? Can they not actually afford it, or have they changed their minds? If that’s the case tell them fine, you now can’t come. If they say they really do want you to come say they have to book it right then when they’re on the phone with you, or transfer you the money at that second - or if not you can’t come. If they are toxic people who are hanging this over your heads or something - obviously don’t go. But why you can’t just say on the phone ‘look if you really want us to come we need to sort it out right now, this delay is really annoying me and DH and it’s nor fair on DH’s parent me to pay more than they expected to pay at the time this was agreed.’

In 9 days they would have found the time to book thr flights if they had wanted to.

I am surprised that you don't have a credit card after living in the US for over 10 years, as surely the easiest thing to do would be for you to find the flights, enter all the details, pay on your credit card and then have your parents and in-laws send you half the money before your card payment is due.

If you don't then next easiest thing would be for you to price up the flights, parents and in-laws send you half the money, you book the flights.

They are either reluctant to do the legwork - which is easily avoided as above - or they are reluctant to spend the money, which would be entirely reasonable but frustrating that they won't just say so - or they are the sort of people who put off making arrangements - which seems strange when they are travelling between properties and arranging cruises. There is a reason they are not prioritising this.

I'd be gently breaking the news to in-laws and kids that the trip this year isn't happening and would crack on with making other plans for that time.

Having a lot if experience of families like this I think OP’s parents offered to pay in order to show off and control the visit but having the inlaws pay half left them feeling like they didn’t fully own the visit. The OP snd her DH wouldn’t be grateful enough and would obviously also be visiting the inlaws.

The most sensible thing to do is to ask the inlaws to spend half the money by flying to see OP and DH in America. Half of five tickets should be the same as two tickets and you can book far enough on advance for it to be affordable.

Tell your parents “you snooze you lose” . I think you will find they will spend the money only if you are not seeing your i laws.

Cancel your visit to your parents.

If your in-laws were willing to pay half towards 4 of you flying anyway, could they possibly pay for flights for your husband and one child (which would be approx the same cost) and you foot the bill for the other child, and DH goes to see his family? You stay home and sort the building stuff.

I understand that they can't come to you.

Your parents are behaving appallingly, holding everyone hostage like this. It's very very arrogant behaviour on their part.

You and your DH are the common element between the two sets of grandparents and the grandchildren, the onus is on you to sort this out. You have to cancel. And you have to say why.

To your parents: you've put me in a very awkward position wrt my DH and his parents, everyone has lives they have to plan around and despite repeatedly moving the deadlines you haven't booked the flights which you took responsibility for doing. Everyone has to get on with their lives, we all need to know where we stand, so we're going to cancel this year's trip. DC are very disappointed and so are my PILs, and DH is really pissed off that his summer plans still haven't been determined by almost-June, but you've put us in this position now. We'll talk about our next visit after the fall, and we'll organise and book that according to where our finances are. Clearly it's too much relying on you for this.

To your PILs: I'm so sorry about this, my parents have dragged their heels again and again and it's become impossible for us. I really wish they hadn't done this. We thought it best to give you certainty, and let you know we're cancelling this year's trip. Instead of 50% of our airfare, can you spend the money on coming to visit us?

Book it and put it all on a credit card. As long as you get reimbursed within the 6 week interest free period, it will all be ok.

You can just say it was £1k and you'll pay the rest.

Honestly OP just cancel. People will get over the disappointment. It doesn’t sound like anyone is that invested in the trip except perhaps the DC.

FWIW I think the booking side of things would do my head in if I was your parents. I wonder if there’s some resentment towards your in laws that they are expected to do all the admin?

They don’t owe you an explanation as to why they’re too busy to book the flights. Just accept they don’t want to do it, cancel the visit, take a deep breath and relax!

You don't need any of that information to book a flight. Just card details and names which I'd assume they know! Passport info only needed before check in

Your parents don’t actually want to pay for it, they want you to come so have offered but are hoping you’ll just pay for yourself in the end. My mum does this to me, says “oh you should visit and I’ll pay, I’ve already spent multiple times that on your brother and his child this year” but then I get radio silence when booking so I book with my card, mention it’s booked and cost ‘x’ and get silence - if I bring it up it gets very ratty (I’ve gotten remarks like ‘did I not pay that’ or ‘I don’t remember saying that’, she transfers the money but it feels like I have extorted money from her when I am only going cause she wanted to see her grandchild) so now I don’t tend to go when I can’t afford to. When she asks us to visit I’ve told her to come to me as it’s much cheaper for one adult to travel.

I would send a message along the lines of
“I’m so sorry but we really can’t afford to visit this year, we simply do not have the money for the flights. It was very kind of you to offer but it is a huge cost and you seem incredibly busy. I worry that you may not have time for our visit and it may cause you stress. I think it would be better to visit in a year when you are less busy and we are in a better financial position”

But doesn’t that have to be done by the lead booker?

@Mastmw7g

They said they've been very busy. My husband is leaving it up to me to cancel since they're my parents. Which means everyone will blame me.

Seriously OP - grasp that nettle and tell your parents it's off. Your husband has the right idea so just take a deep breath and pull out. He can tell his parents. Your children will get over it. 🌹

Can I recommend that you get involved in the HOA and start to disband it from the inside out? Those organisations are jumped up and are trouble.
There should be some rule or article of association where by the HOA can be disbanded if it goes to a vote.

Sorry - every time I hear of a HOA it sets me on edge.

I think you should give your parents a week to book the flights and if they don't, just tell them that it's no longer suitable for them to visit you in 2024 and you'll only be able to have them visit in 2025. See if it focuses their attention span.

Might depend on the airline but generally the booker would only have to do that if they want to insist on keeping the booking reference secret.

I’ve done bookings for others in the past, then told those traveling the booking ref and delegated the APIS stuff to them..

Cem82 may be right - perhaps your parents were not sincere in their offer to pay?

I agree with this. Ask them to transfer the money by x date, so you can book the tickets. If they fail to again, then yes cancel the whole thing. You'll see them next year.

Just tell your parents the in-laws are sending them a set amount (ie half of what the flights cost now, or did when your parents first said they’d book) then if they end up paying more than half because of price increases, it’s their own fault.

I understand that your parents' prevarication is very annoying but I don't see why you expect your DH to ask his parents to book the flights when you feel "awkward" about asking your parents to transfer some money to you. Just get a rough idea of flight prices and ask them for an advance so you can book. Alternatively, you haven't done the work to your garden yet so could you not buy the flights with that money and get paid back?

As others have said for most airlines the booker (who doesn’t need to be traveling) does not need passport details at time of booking…those can be entered by the traveller themselves after booking but prior to departure.

I wouldn’t trust them to book the right thing after all this palaver. They need to transfer you the money for you to book. Say if you can’t transfer the money by x date we unfortunately will have to cancel the trip.