To think my parents should just book the flights

[Mastmw7g]

DH and I are in the United States and unable to pay for flights to see grandparents on the school break this year. We let everyone know with plenty of time. Both sets of grandparents agreed to pay. They decided to have my parents pay and then my ILs are going to reimburse my parents for half the cost.

My parents still haven't booked the flights. I spoke to them and they said they are very busy and will book them eventually. DH is getting irritated because he says time is passing and flights are increasing in cost and my parents choice is making this more expensive for my ILs. He says we shouldn't go and just save everyone the money.

I tried talking to my parents, but they were very busy yesterday. I looked up the flights and sent screenshots. I didn't ask for their credit card information because I felt too awkward. I think I'm going to suggest DH tell his parents to book the flights. I feel awful because that means they'll be out of pocket until my parents can be bothered to pay them back, and I know they have less money. But the visit is very important to them, especially since they do not travel to us unlike my parents.

I sent screenshots of the flights and intended to ask for the money, but didn't do it. I don't know if I lacked conviction, but I felt very awkward.

I more think because they have made a commitment that impacts the finances of my in-laws, they should follow through on it. DH wants to cancel. I decided nine months ago not to come and only agreed to come after my parents spent time continuously offering to pay and arguing for the value of the visit. I'm not looking forward to the visit. But I feel obligated. Their procrastination is causing DH to become very irritated, though, because of the impact on his parents.

I looked up the flight information and sent screenshots. I intended to ask for their card details but felt too awkward. I wasn't able to get on the phone with them for even five minutes because they said they were very busy. I've decided to tell DH to speak to his parents and suggest they book the flights and then try to get reimbursed from my parents. It's not a perfect solution, but it might be better than the current plan.

@Mastmw7g

DH wants to cancel. I decided nine months ago not to come and only agreed to come after my parents spent time continuously offering to pay and arguing for the value of the visit. I'm not looking forward to the visit. But I feel obligated.

I think I'm with your husband here. Your parents were pushing hard for this visit to them and insisted on sharing the flight costs with your in-laws but it now feels like they're back pedalling.

If, as it sounds, this is causing your husband and his parents to be anxious and annoyed, I think you need to do what's best for you and your nuclear family, take the heat out of the situation and delay the visit to next year when all your lives have calmed down. Until then you can arrange regular video calls as the next option. Later on you and DH can talk about with your respective parents to arrange a date for next year and book the flights within 3-6 months of travel to get good prices. I think a poster suggested that you make the booking but get your parents' credit card details to input in the booking,then DH's parents reimbursing half of that. Take the stress out and for this year just focus on sorting out your home. 🌹

"Mum, Dad.. DH and I have been talking and have agreed that if the flights aren't booked by the end of this week, we will skip this year's trip. Putting it off any longer isn't fair on my in laws who have agreed to pay half. Happy to discuss if you want to give us a ring"

I think you need to cancel too. If you feel too awkward to get on the phone and say that if we don’t book here and now then it doesn’t work any longer for us then the simplest thing is to tell in laws it isn’t happening this year and don’t mention it to your parents again. If they then mention it you can say oh circumstances have now change and we can’t make it, see you next year.

Don’t get your in-laws to do it, your parents will mess them around and won’t pay them back, then you will end up feeling you have to reimburse the in-laws when you can’t afford to do so.

I think @BrassOlive posted a good response. Too much risk of DH's parents being landed with the bill and it's too much of an ask of them tbh.

Unless you can cover your parents part I don't think I'd let ILs buy the flights. Your parents might drag and drag - because it isn't a big deal to them - meaning you will be in an awkward position with your ILs needing the money and pushing your parents to send it.

I don't know flight prices but is it possible for you to cover the potential diff? e.g right now flights for all of ye are $2,000 so $1,000 per set of parents. If your ILS pay $1k but the flights come in at $2,500, your parents pay $1,250 and you make up the other $250?

And just talk to them. They're your parents. I would tell me mam if I thought she was ripping the piss

I've decided to tell DH to speak to his parents and suggest they book the flights and then try to get reimbursed from my parents.

Only do that if you can afford to pay your parent's share.

To be honest, it sounds a lot like your parents don't want to do this, but don't want your inlaws to see their grandchildren more.

If you don't have the type of relationship where you can ask them; I'm not sure that you've got the type of relationship that this was going to work for. It sounds like it was a lovely offer but perhaps they expected you to decline?

It is awkward, because even though they've offered, they don't seem very committed to actually seeing it through for some reason.

What I meant by asking them for the money first and you book, is just asking them to send you the money to the value of the flights split between them, not use their actual card numbers/credit cards to book.. that would be awkward to organise. If they need to put this on credit cards to afford it (as in they don't have the money in the bank to transfer to you), then they can't really afford it and you should cancel anyway and say that is the reason, no one should be going into debt for this to be fair.

You could just send them a message, saying "I've had a look at the flights and am happy to book them for everyone if the original offer still stands, it will be x amount to pay, if you can transfer it over I'll book them on everyone's behalf"

This way if one set backs out you can just return the money to the others and nothing is lost.

I spoke to my husband and he feels strongly that instead of asking our parents to transfer money we should cancel if my parents haven't booked the flights by Wednesday. I feel awful because my in-laws and the kids will be terribly disappointed.

Have you spelled it out to your parents? An actual message saying,
“We’re starting to really worry about this trip as we can’t afford it and weren’t going to come until you made the offer to pay for flights. My in-laws were happy to split based on the cost of flights at the time we talked about it, but fares are going up and it’s going to cost them more money because you haven’t booked after saying you would. We are happy to skip this visit because we can’t afford it and don’t expect anyone else to pay, but if you’re going to go ahead with it then it needs to be booked today because my in-laws can’t afford for prices to go up anymore.”

I think your husband is right OP.

Your parents don't need constantly to be reminded do they? They're adults and competent enough, it seems, to organise other things they want (eg the cruise) and are prioritising themselves, their funds and their other wants/needs at this time. It's their prerogative to do that, except they're inconveniencing everyone else.

Your DH might want to give a heads up to his parents that the visit may not happen this year with the hope, instead, of 2025, in whichever location works best for you all. 🌹

My parents were unable to book the flights by yesterday. I have been asked to give them more time. My husband says this process has made him not want to go. My children still want to go, though, and are looking forward to it.

You've found the flights, sent them a screenshot, but two retired people are 'too busy' to book them? Honestly, I'd tell them to forget about it. I don't know what the hell is going on with your parents, but I'm with your DH. I'd tell them enough is enough and you no longer want to go, which is the truth.

How were they "unable" to do it. I'd just forget about the whole thing.

They said they've been very busy. My husband is leaving it up to me to cancel since they're my parents. Which means everyone will blame me.

Surely if THEY are booking, they will need all of your passport details, expiry dates, middle names etc etc for ALL of you. What a faff and PITA for them! I'd be worried about a miss-spelling or them getting something wrong!

Either get the money transferred to you and book your own flights, OR save and go next year.

Why would everyone blame you when it's explained to them that your parents didn't send the money/book tickets. Unless you say it's your fault then people (whoever the people are) will know the situation.

Your children and in laws will be disappointed but unless something else is going on your parents don't seem to want you to come over so why would you go and see them.

I agree with your husband that it should be cancelled.

OP put your big girl pants on and cancel.
If anyone starts pointing fingers, direct them to your parents and their faffing.

Instead of paying half the costs for your tickets, could your PIL pay to fly to you instead. I feel quite sorry for them as they seem to have been caught in the middle of this through no fault of their own.

Your parents are unbelievably rude and selfisn. Causing all this stress for no reason.
I am totally with your and would be furious with the unnecessary drama.
If he refuses to visit your parents, it will serve them right.
They are very rude.
You need to woman up. I wouldn't tolerate my in laws being treated so rudely.
This is 100% on your parents. If this causes a huge fallout it is on your parents for their rudeness and you for tolerating it. Cancel now and tell them you are both VERY upset at their repeated rudeness and will not be visiting and they have caused huge upset with the inlaws, all because of unnecessary drama over a booking that should be a straight forward task.

Indeed.

I often get anxious booking me and partners flights, I'd hate to book for someone else. Then all the hassle if anything goes wrong and who deals with it.

I'd always ask them to send money and book oneself.

I’d tell them they do it today or send you the money today or you need to book something else/secure kids summer camp places etc. Takes 2 secs to transfer you the money if they wanted to do it, I vote they don’t have the money and can’t tell you. It sounds like it’s a lot of hassle anyway.